Paul's Thursday Reviews CXXIV · 8:49pm Jul 19th, 2018
Ah, reading vacations. Normally they drive me crazy, because I get so used to the routine of reading 30k horse words a day. But the break is absolutely necessary. I learned long ago that I am blind to burnout, so this is the only way to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Burnout sucks. Strangely, I often end up with vacation weeks and break weeks happening side-by-side. Weird, but I won’t complain.
So my latest monthly story is all written and ready to go. Alas, I run into the same problem I always do: the cover art’s owner is not bothering to respond to my inquiry. I’m past the two week waiting period now, and my usual rule is to take that to mean they either don’t care or have abandoned DeviantArt. I’m probably going to use the art this coming weekend or next week. I don’t really have much choice, as there there is practically no art out there that would be suitable to this story. The only other (better) one I found the artist wouldn’t let me use because it was already attached to their own story, which is fair enough.
And this all serves to remind me of a time when I had enough disposable income to simply commission any cover art I needed. I miss those days. I’ve only done that for one story in the last few years, and that one is Bulletproof Heart (because it’s a rather big deal, at least to me).
No point here, just felt like talking about it. But it does remind me to note that I won’t be producing a monthly short next month. Why do that when I’ve got BPH coming out?
Alright, then. To the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Unexpected Confessions by Dianwei32
Breath of Fire by Shahrazad
Pinkie Pie's Last Nightmare Night by Admiral Biscuit
What Society Expects from a Princess by cursedchords
Lovey Dovey and the Business Pony by Crystal Wishes
A Flame in the Darkness by Othynrix
The Iridescent Iron Rat by horizon
Sundowner Season by Cherax
Celestia XVII by brokenimage321
Equine, All Too Equine II: The Days of the Prophets by stanku
Total Word Count: 431,045
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 3
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Unexpected Confessions
218,269 Words
By Dianwei32
Alternative Title: The Kinder, Gentler Green
This story starts off as everything you’d expect from the title and the cover art. Rarity and Rainbow Dash confess to having romantic intentions towards Fluttershy… at the same time. The simultaneous revelation turns the two of them from pleasant, patient friends to fierce competitors ready to do anything to win the romantic contest, leaving Fluttershy with the terrible burden of having to choose between them.
0 out of 10, not enough shipping. At least Green had the common sense to include the Princesses in the antics.
I kid, I kid. But seriously, this story treads the same ground as Steel Resolve’s dominant no-holds-barred (oh-la-la!) love fest. All of the Mane 6 get involved in a web of love triangles that have a lot of trouble at first untangling into proper relationships, provided you consider two polyamorous relationships ‘proper’. Yes, ponies will make profoundly bad decisions. Yes, there will be intense melodrama, broaching but never quite getting to suicide. Yes, it all gets to be a bit ridiculous. But if you’re into romance stories – really into them – you won’t care a lick about any of that because the ship is so strong with this one.
And there’s the caveat: you need to be a fan of romance. If you’re looking for anything else, you probably won’t get much out of this. And that’s fine, because it’s obvious who Dianwei32 is writing for here.
The story does have its troubles. It could use a proofreader to catch some common issues like repetition, and the author leans a little on LUS at times. Every now and then a strange plot hole will appear, like the time Rainbow and Fluttershy went on a date to Canterlot no Cloudsdale Canterlot, definitely Canterlot. There’s also a small number of unanswered questions, some of them significant – the topic of Rainbow’s dad being a huge one.
But overall, this is a great romance story for those who are romance connoisseurs. It’s got pretty much everything the shippers crave, from the overdramatic love triangles to the reward of tender scenes once all the kinks in the relationships are worked out. One does have to keep in mind when this was written (Fluttershy is still a doormat that jumps into a bush to hide when you call her name (yes, that literally happens here)), but as long as you can do that there’s nothing to significant complain about. Non-shippers, though? Walk away.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Breath of Fire
16,204 Words
By Shahrazad
Spike randomly develops a voracious appetite and starts sleeping at all hours. That might not have been so bad if he also didn’t start breathing fire in his sleep. No, not green ‘send letters to Celestia’ fire. The ‘burn the entire library down on accident’ kind of fire.
This one is intentionally deceptive, but I feel the deception was more of a hindrance than an asset in this case. Basically, the author wants us to believe Spike’s new issues are due to him growing up. To aid in this delusion, Spike is given some strange personality quirks. Everyone who witnesses them agree that Spike isn’t behaving properly, and it’s painted in such a light as to make us assume he’s turning into the likes of Garble, which of course leads to certain insinuations. If Shahrazad had stuck to that angle, this might have been an interesting, potentially emotional tale.
But we don’t get that. Instead we get some hair-brained concept of belching flames as an energy exhaust for eating too much. Which doesn’t explain the constant sleepiness. Or the odd, crude new behavior. Or the wild emotional swings. Those things just ‘are’ and I guess you’re supposed to accept them? Dragon anatomy, am I right?
I don’t mind a little deception every now and then, but there was a potentially powerful story to be had here and instead we get something vastly weaker and less interesting. The deception is more interesting than the reality, and that strikes me as a huge misstep on the author’s part, to say nothing for the plethora of unanswered questions left in the story’s wake.
Add to that clumsy dialogue, an uncomfortable reliance on Mane 6 behavioral tropes, poor transitioning between scenes, and unclear pacing. Follow that with a hamfisted attempt to paint the whole thing as a metaphorical lesson about healthy living that falls tragically flat. The end result is a story that opens with promise and stumbles on take off.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Roll in the Hay — Pretty Good
Pinkie Pie's Last Nightmare Night
1,358 Words
By Admiral Biscuit
I expected this to be stupid silly. And… well, it was, but not in the way that tends to turn me off. It is a little deceptive with its title, and yet I don’t mind. It is exactly what the cover art suggests, so a summary is entirely unnecessary.
For once, I have nothing to say. The story is brief, generally well written, and gets to its point quickly. It’s not the most amazing story ever, but then it’s not meant to be. If you want a few minutes of pointless, silly fun, go ahead and give this a go.
Just don’t expect anything memorable.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
What Society Expects from a Princess
41,417 Words
cursedchords failed to provide cover art.
Set between Seasons 3 and 4, this tale brings us to Twilight & Co.’s second invite to the Grand Galloping Gala – an honor they were denied the year before on account of how poorly their first one was received by the nobility. Twilight is a princess now, and Rarity has it in her head to make sure everything goes smoothly this time.
With this one, we get to see Rarity behaving very poorly. Which is great! I’ve seen so many stories lately of her being awesome that it’s about time we got another look at her bad qualities. In this case, those qualities include a perfect willingness to suck up to the arrogance and whims of high society – and trying to force Twilight into that same mold. It results in both of them learning valuable lessons, and I came away quite pleased.
But… funny thing. If you went by the story description, you’d think that’s the only important thing of this story. Turns out there’s a lot more going on, from a slightly important member of foreign royalty crashing the party, Luna struggling to keep the Gala going in her sister’s absence, said sister’s gleeful disregard for her responsibilities, the true story of one stallion’s sordid reputation, and some struggle in the romantic life of everyone’s favorite musician ponies. That’s a lot of ground to cover in a mere 40k words. To their credit, cursedchords handled the assorted issues well.
Mostly.
Vinyl’s and Octavia’s supposed issues are largely ignored almost as soon as they are brought up, and are never really given a conclusion other than an unsatisfying handwave. I suspect the author forgot all about them for a while, only slapping on something at the end upon realizing their mistake at the last minute. Poor form, I was really looking forward to seeing the results of this, and we don’t even get to see the two of them in the same scene together!
I also find it absurd that Celestia – who apparently spent the entirety of the Gala wandering around the scene with an invisibility spell – never noticed Gilderoy in attendance. What, did she somehow manage to move among exactly the wrong rooms for four hours? If it weren’t for the clear surprise she’d shown at the end of the story, I’d be accusing her of intentionally trying to make her sister, Cadance, and Shining Armor look bad… and I’m still not convinced that isn’t the case.
But if we ignore these two slips, I’d say this has been a resoundingly successful story. Strong characters, good lessons, an entertaining smattering of events, all rounded out by effective prose and pacing. A good show, and one for which I’m glad to have given a chance.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Legend of the Scorpion Queen — WHYRTY?
Lovey Dovey and the Business Pony
9,904 Words
By Crystal Wishes
I can’t help but imagine her as being voiced by Andrea Libman.
Lovey Dovey is a love counselor based in Ponyville. Her special talent allows her to literally see ‘love lines’ that connect a pony to their special somepony even if they haven’t met them yet. She’s never seen her own though, which means either her special talent can’t be self-directed… or she’s destined not to have one. To Lovey, being alone is the Worst Possible Thing™. So when she learns of a stallion in Manehattan who is absolutely determined to not have a special somepony, she makes it her personal mission to fix his perspective and find him one.
To be sure, this is a story intended purely for those looking for romance. There’s a bit of comedy in the form of Lovey’s frantic antics, but not enough to justify showing up without the interest in romance too. So if romance is your thing, come in and have some fun! Otherwise, might be best to steer clear.
On the whole, I enjoyed the story. I’m into romances, so I would. But this isn’t Crystal’s Wishes, and as such lacks a lot of the same depth. For one, in this story love is less about growing together and learning to live with one another’s faults. Love is preordained. It is destiny, and you get no choice in the matter. That seriously deadens the impact of the story, and I do not approve. For me, knowing that two characters will be together because fate demands it takes a lot of the ‘romance’ out of a romance. Where’s the reward of risks taken and wrongs made right if it was all going to happen that way anyhow?
Despite all that, this is still a fun little story about a not-quite Pinkie Pie main character that I thoroughly enjoyed meeting again. If you like fun characters and romance for the sake of romance, give it a go. The ending’s a bit sudden and underwhelming, but hopefully the sequel will help with that.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Crystal's Wishes — WHYRTY?
A Flame in the Darkness
3,739 Words
By Othynrix
Requested by Othynrix
Alternate Title: Let Me Tell You a Story
This starts out with us witnessing a seemingly random town of bat ponies being slaughtered by normal ponies. This apparently took place right after Luna’s banishment. After this extremely short scene, we watch Princess Luna walking through a slum near Canterlot where bat ponies live.
This story is something of a mess. For starters, what is the purpose of the introduction? In a mere 277 words, the scene flashes past with no clear reason for existing. I get what the author was trying to do, but the scene fails to be interesting, exciting, or evoke any sort of horror/ sympathy for the thestrals.
Othynrix, if you really want something like this to work, you can’t just blow past it. You tell us everything, but show us almost nothing. Take, for example, the collapse of the town hall. That could have been an effective image… if it hadn’t been done in a single paragraph. We’re not attached to anyone. With no characters to get to know or appreciate, we’re left with an overall feeling of “huh, well that’s sad”. Then we move on, scene forgotten as (hopefully) more interesting ones make themselves known. The introduction would have been better served if it had been given a sense of presence: atmosphere, a clear protagonist/ antagonist, and more personal consequences.
Then we get to the rest of the story. I need only quote one sentence to show how weak the writing is:
She wiped away a tear that silently shed itself without her permission quickly.
Wow, but that’s a mess. Let’s try to parse this out, shall we? First off, tears are always silent. You will never hear someone shed a tear. You will hear someone cry, sob, moan, sniffle, and so forth, but the tear itself is always silent. So why are we describing the tear as silent? First lesson: don’t use descriptors that tell the reader something they should already know.
Second, what is the point of “without her permission?” Are you trying to indicate that there are moments where Luna forces herself to shed tears to fool people into thinking she cares? There’s absolutely no need to emphasize the legitimacy of Luna’s crying. If anything, it suggests that Luna is a deceitful character who needs to have her emotions clarified as real at all times in order for the reader to know when she’s being honest about her emotions. But I doubt you intended to do any of that, so the point: keep an eye out for words and phrases that either add nothing to your sentence or, far worse, tells the reader things you never intended.
Then there’s “quickly”. Why are you putting this at the back of the sentence where it has almost no impact? Worse, it is completely disconnected from what is meant to be ‘quick’, in this case “wiped away a tear”. Not only have you taken away from the image and made the sentence a confusing jumble of words, you’ve actually defied the very meaning of the word ‘quickly’ by having it be the very last thing the reader sees. The point: try to keep your adverbs as close as possible to the verb they modify.
That’s three corrections. For one sentence. And these kinds of things run throughout the entire story. There are many other issues with the writing that make themselves known, such as frequent repetition. The primary thing that Othynrix needs to do is practice a broader vocabulary and pay close attention to just what the words in their sentences mean.
Now let’s get into things like this:
She flew quickly with a bright smile, a single tear rolling down her face in happy realization.
Apparently, Luna is emotionally unhinged. She cries at the slightest provocation, and frequently about things she has no reason, happy or sad, to cry for. It feels unrealistic and, worse, like the author is trying to cram emotion down our throats. There are other methods of demonstrating emotion and a far wider range of emotions available to choose from. There’s absolutely no reason for Luna to start crying over the fact she just decided to take in four bat ponies she’s known for maybe five minutes.
Now let’s get to the plot logic:
Luna worried that this area might bring bad memories for [her guards].
Why would the slums bring bad memories to her thestral guards? Are we supposed to believe they were alive a thousand years ago when this town got slaughtered? Those are some old bat ponies. Or is there some terrible event in the recent past that they lived through? If so, it’s pointless to reference it when none of the readers know what it is and why it would bring up bad memories.
The servants hated bat ponies, Luna heard a solar guard talking about them in a bad manner[...]
Uh, excuse me, but isn’t this Equestria, Land of Harmony? If this kind of racial hatred still exists against bat ponies, why is it donkeys, griffons, zebras, goats, and pretty much every other sentient creature in the land seems to be accepted in canon? Furthermore, that kind of hatred should have the wendigos all over the place. How are we supposed to believe that, somehow, Celestia – that bastion of harmony and peace and all-inclusiveness – has willingly turned a blind eye to the suffering of an entire race?
I’m not saying these things can’t happen. What I’m saying is that, given the context of the show, these things require explanations. If none are given, then we are left wide open windows for doubt and disbelief. Right off the bat, the concept has cracks.
The door creaked open, Luna looked over to see Celestia quickly trot in. “What seems to be the problem, Luna? Why did you want me to get four bowls of soup for you at this time?”
So Celestia is Luna’s servant now? Why would she bring Luna things when they’ve got an entire castle full of staff who are actually paid to do this? It’s not like Celestia making an appearance gives any extra insight into the story. This cameo was pointless beyond suggesting Celestia has somehow become completely subservient to her sister.
A far better solution would have been to make a servant do his or her job and bring the food. This would have been a prime opportunity to showcase the wall of racial bigotry and corruption present in the castle, giving the reader a solid idea of exactly what Grem will have to face in the future.
There are other issues, such as weak, rushed dialogue, but I think I’ve said enough. A Flame in the Darkness is in need of a lot of work before it becomes recommendable, and its current form leaves me with little enthusiasm. I encourage Othynrix to keep trying and develop their style. I’ve seen enough poor writers become great writers to know it’s possible.
Good luck, author.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Iridescent Iron Rat
9,423 Words
By horizon
Recommended by Titanium Dragon
Set centuries after the events of MLP:FiM, The Iridescent Iron Rat stars Jimmy the Grey, a pegasus and thief. Jimmy lives in an age when crime has largely been wiped out from the world, thanks in no small part to the magical advancements pioneered by Princess Twilight and the Five Friends. As such, only ponies with skill, ambition, and a love for the job have any hope of being a criminal. Fortunately for Jimmy, he’s got all three in spades.
This story is fun and fast-paced, and I was more than a little disappointed when it came to an end. It combines excellent worldbuilding with strong characterization and plenty of imagination and mystery. It is apparently a thematic crossover with a set of novels, but you need know nothing about said novels to jump in and enjoy the ride. The story appeals to a range of interests, not least of which include heist stories and science fiction.
I’d like to point out flaws and disappointments, but I’ve got nothing. This story is exactly what it needs to be, no more and no less. In the end, I really have just one problem with all of this: where the hay is the sequel, horizon? No, no. Don’t answer. You have no explanation that can justify this wrong.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hearth Swarming Eve — WHYRTY?
The Last Dreams of Pony Island — WHYRTY?
Social Lubricant — Pretty Good
The Kindest Silence — Pretty Good
The Dragon's Riddle — Worth It
Sundowner Season
21,493 Words
By Cherax
Recommended by Pascoite
Rarity travels alone to the furthest, most isolated reaches of Equestria’s northwestern frontier. Is she chasing something, or running from it? Either way, she has a desperate need to distract herself, be that with curious company or an ongoing existential crisis.
This was delightfully atmospheric. Every moment teems with evocative prose, lovely (or not) scenery, and a ceaseless moodiness. Rarity is a mare perturbed by recent events who faces the loss of her future and friends, and this pain echoes in everything this story offers us.
Which is a long way of saying this is one heck of a sadfic.
It’s hard to describe anything in detail here without slipping into spoiler territory. What makes the story most interesting is how it starts by disguising its purpose. By the end of the first chapter, it’s hard to tell what Rarity’s real goal is. Is she planning to abandon generosity, and her friends with it? Is she simply facing a personal disaster? It’s impossible to say. Then the story keeps going, and we gradually come to realize that Rarity is trying to be deceptive, because she herself doesn’t want to think about reality. I loved the overall approach.
Some readers may be burdened, however. After all, it does take a while for the hints to really start rolling in. It’s possible to grasp what’s really going on in chapter 2 I think, but you need to be willing to read that far. Couple that with the verbose, dense writing style that forces you to pay attention to every line in order to not miss a single important moment. The impatient and those seeking ‘easy’ reads need not apply.
But for my purposes, this was a deep, emotional tale about healing and moving on. It’s an excellent read for those of you looking for something more complex and intricate than that big action story higher on the ‘to read’ list. That’s the one thing I can’t impart enough of with this story: its implementation is smart. By all means, give it a go.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Celestia XVII
56,413 Words
By brokenimage321
Completed Story
This story takes place in an alternate universe where alicorns are mortal and the the Equestrian throne has been passed on from a royal family line of princesses for a thousand years. It stars the titular Celestia XVII, herself only seventeen and thrust onto the throne well before she was ready by the early death of her mother. Her life was already a bit of a pain, but it turned more so the day she arrived: Princess Luna, A.K.A. Nightmare Moon, whom everypony thought was just a legend.
This story was a delight to read from beginning to end. It includes seemingly effortless worldbuilding from the ground up of a universe where Equestria is ruled by a dynastic monarchy. We get to watch as the latest monarch faces the reality of her place in the world, fighting against it with a desperate desire to be ‘normal’. Along the way we witness Luna, here an aged and bitter soul, struggle to rediscover her place and keep Equestria on the proper path, even if her upstart co-princess fights her every step of the way. Indeed, this story is as much about Luna as it is Celestia, and revolves heavily on their ever-shaky relationship.
The character building is superb. Each one is easily recognizable, but also blatantly different in ways that feel refreshing and unique. The Mane 6 get their appearances, but they are little more than cameos and never take up an undue presence in a story not at all about them. Blueblood, here depicted as Celestia’s older brother, is also an interesting character in his own right (also, I want to see more stories where his nickname is Bloob). Watching Celestia grow as an individual and getting to see that lead to the growth of her relationships with Luna, Blueblood, and Twilight is what makes this story so worthy of the praise it has been receiving all this time. Throw in some significant and fascinating Equestrian history and you have a gem of a story.
I can’t think of anything to complain about. Normally this would be the point where I question if there will be a sequel, but bless him, brokenimage321 already has it going. You can bet I’ll be reading it. And you should read this one.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Equine, All Too Equine II: The Days of the Prophets
52,825 Words
By stanku
Sequel to Equine, All Too Equine
In a dark world where the alicorns are dead and Canterlot is the last bastion of civilization, things are not well. It is, as everypony knows, the end of days, but the citizens keep trudging along trying to make life go on for as long as possible. This story starts very shortly after the last one, more or less resuming right where it ended. This time we find Deck Heart, descendent of Twilight Sparkle, as commander of the Citizen’s Guard and, for all practical purposes, in control of the city. We also find a blind madpony recruiting others into a newly formed alicorn cult, griffons desperate for food, and a wide range of lesser characters just muddling their way through.
This story shares a lot of similarities with its predecessor in terms of atmosphere and sheer grimdark. I’m afraid it’s also a little less riveting, and I think that has to do with there being more faces to focus on. Equine, All Too Equine shifted around to a lot of individual characters, and this one does the same. Unlike its predecessor, this one doesn’t manage to make us care about those assorted characters. In fact I can honestly say there were times when I had to stop at some new scenes and think about who the heck this pony was we were seeing things by.
The fact is, there’s a lot going on in this story, and it feels like far more than what was going on in the last one. It all makes sense and is easy to follow, at least in terms of the whats and the whys, but it also feels a little rushed. That may have been on purpose: it’s all happening fast for the characters, so why not the readers? But for reasons I can’t put my finger on, I just couldn’t get invested in the characters like I could in the last one.
My recommendation would be to read this as soon as you finish the first one. It was months between the readings for me, and that made me lose a lot of attachment to the original characters. If you’re not already attached, this story won’t do much to renew that connection.
Still, this was a dark look at the last days of Ponykind, in a good way. It was definitely worth the read, and I can’t help but think this has the makings of a series. That is to say, I find myself expecting a third story simply because this all has the air of an intended continuation. I wouldn’t mind, although I hope stanku can either narrow the focus a bit or extend the length so that all characters can get their due. In the meantime, I shall put this on the middle ground: I don’t see people getting much out of it without its predecessor.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Equine, All Too Equine — WHYRTY?
Stories for Next Week:
It will all be over soon, Princess by Luna-tic Scientist
"I'll Take That One." by JMac
An Adventure Through the Overflowingly Wordy Psyche of the Fair Princess Celestia by Violetta Strings
The Cutie Mark Allocation Agency by Hoopy McGee
Evernight by Wisdom Thumbs
Freak Like Me by Roselucky Seven
Curse, Bless Me Now by Pascoite
Daring Do & The Rookie Editor by Naughty_Ranko
The Armada Trilogy I: The Lieutenant by TheMysteryMuffin
Dashaloo Days: Angry Flight Training by RGLloyd
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Thank you for reading my story! I normally avoid commenting because it seems either self-indulgent or... I dunno. Dangerous! But I wanted to comment on this one and I hope you don't mind.
This story was written A) for a contest, so on a word limit constraint and B) with the intent of being a sort of parody of classic romantic comedies, with its sequel being a more or less "reality check". It's been in serious need of a second pass for a long time now, because I definitely lost some things I intended in the constraint.
One of those things being love definitely isn't meant to be preordained or a demand of fate! This is probably better explained in the sequel, where I didn't have any contest word limit looming over me. Quoting so Lovey can explain better than me (except, ironically, her explanations are tainted by her own views, such as the phrase "meant to be with"):
I definitely apologize for that impression, because it would turn me off, too!
I have Sundowner Season very near the top of my RiL list, so that rating is very encouraging! (However, for the same reason, I only lightly skimmed your review.) Oh, and horizon's story's not that far behind, either. But given pretty much anything horizon writes is likely to be good, that's a given, I guess.
I don't think I've read any of next week's selection, and even some of the authors are entirely unfamiliar to me. Will look forward to it!
Hah! For once, I actually have read a couple of those! :D
Hey, I've read several of these!
Oh boy, another author who changed names. Othynrix used to be known as PBJFanFIction. And... yeah, you pretty much called out all the stuff wrong with it.
stanku is one of those writers who's almost there. In his case, it's usually a language barrier. He has good ideas, and he has a nice style, but there are too many odd phrasings and questionable word choices. If he could have paired up with a good native-speaker editor, I think he would have made a fair name for himself. He's certainly been around long enough. An upstart editor could have gotten quite a bit of recognition for it. But alas, that never materialized, if stanku was even looking for it.
"Sundowner Season." Man, this is the kind of story that really sticks in my head for the wrong reasons. I really liked it, but for two things. One just made me feel like part of the story worked against its format, and the other made me feel like the characters' motivations didn't make any sense.
So first, yes, the writing is great. That can make a reader excuse a lot, since it's a pleasure to read. We've discussed diary/journal/letter stories before and what makes for good ones. And the diary here was playing to an inconsistent audience. At one point, Rarity says she's writing it for whoever might read it in the future, and yet it doesn't sound like something with an intended audience like that. It spends more time rambling about inconsequential personal things, which is the kind of thing a diarist would record for her own reminiscence. It had me off balance as to what her purpose (and by corollary the story's purpose) was. By chapter 2, she's addressing the diary entries to a specific character, but that change comes about in the diary alone, not from Rarity and her (presumably, I hope) evolving intentions toward it.
For my taste, Searcher was pretty annoying, and maybe she's supposed to be, but the conversation with her developed so slowly. Even if I liked her, it would have dragged there, unless the reader doesn't mind conversations that take their sweet time getting to the point. Plus Rarity had a very quick change of heart from liking home to basically accusing her friends of being terrible to her.
Then at the end, the narration really backs off. It's been a limited narrator, so a very emotional Rarity should see a more emotional narration, I'd think, but it actually becomes more stoic. And neither she nor AJ ever really says why they feel the way they do. AJ doesn't say why Pappy is so repugnant that she won't have anything to do with him. But why would Rarity override that? She must feel there's some importance to that relationship to where she thought she should repair it, but I don't see any of her reasoning why. It ends up being really vague to me as to why all this is happening in the first place.
And I agree with you that it takes the story a while to get going. Like 15k long. It was a delight to read from the sheer wordcrafting, and I'd definitely recommend it, but I had trouble buying into the narrative.
Really great selection this time. Couple of personal favourites around here.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing my story! I must say I probably won't be writing a third part to this series since I've sort of moved on from my pony fanfic phase, but I really do appreciate your efforts nonetheless. You definitely are one of the most devoted reviewers I've met on this site -- or anywhere else for that matter.
4903943
Oh, yeah, someone mentioned your story was in a contest. Should have considered that. I shall have to look forward to the sequel then, won't I?
4903990
I've been getting a lot more 'unknown' authors since I started a standalone list for authors I've already reviewed for. I figure it's important to try and give those guys a chance, and I didn't want my RiL to be full of nothing but authors whom I've already read.
4904001
How is it that you've got so many, many more reviews than I do and yet I keep getting stories you haven't read?
Then again, I suppose the same question can be applied on the flip side.
4904078
I definitely noticed a few of those issues with stanku, but they definitely have some great ideas. I'll be looking forward to future stories by them.
I didn't feel Rarity's change of heart was that sudden. It seemed to me like she was caught in a moment of frustration and Searcher had given her a means to vent. Especially when looking at where things went from there, I don't even think she actually meant it (which could present its own collection of problems).
I'm surprised you didn't get why AJ thought the stallion was so horrible. It seemed obvious to me considering what he did and AJ's personal values. And those personal values leaking into Rarity thanks to their relationship also explained to me Rarity's intentions just fine. I read that ending and it seemed very emotional to me, and the shift in tone felt very intentional and appropriate.
But meh, different readers, different takes.
4904267
Why thanks, I do try. I'd like to expand my reviews into original fiction, but that has to wait until I have the time, know-how (and let's face it, willingness) to create my own site for the purpose.
4904285
Because there are quite a lot more than 5000 stories on this website, and some of them are actually worth reading. :B
4904285
It's not so much that I didn't get what their problem with Pappy was. It's that I didn't get why Rarity felt it was necessary to try healing that rift when it didn't seem to be causing AJ any problems. She was perfectly happy living without him, and I never understood why Rarity decided for AJ that wasn't good enough, particularly after it was too late to do anything for AJ. This "going to tell an estranged relative someone died" thing is a well-worn trope, and I just didn't find that it developed her motivation for it.
And at the end, I definitely felt Rarity had an emotional response. That comes through clearly enough in what she says and does, but the narrative sentences sound the same they have all story long, maybe even staying more factual. When a limited narrator sounds calm, there's an implication that the focus character is calm.
4904350
On the contrary, I'm not sure that 'healing the rift' was the real reason Rarity made the journey in the first place. That struck me as just an excuse she told herself and everyone around her. The fact that she did get some closure for that ended up being an important moment, but still only a bonus. Then again, I could have been reading too deeply into it (or not deeply enough).
Hmm... I think I'd have to re-read the ending to get a proper grasp of what we're discussing. It's been too long (I wrote the actual review over a month ago) and since I didn't see anything wrong the first time I'm not seeing it now. Perhaps a review would lead me around to your way of thinking.
4904285
Yeah, I get that, definitely. One of the things that makes me happiest has always been finding a story I really like by an author I've never read before.
4904362
Probably better to leave well enough alone. I'll gladly reread a story if I think I'll revise my opinion upward, but not so much if I'd be investigating whether to lower it. Plus the writing on this one is good enough that it wouldn't stand to be lowered much anyway. Hell, I'm the one who recommended it, so I obviously thought it was a good story. (Oddly enough, I didn't like it, but that's not necessary to recognize it as good.)
4904368
I wasn't likely to do it anyway. I've got way too much to read as is without going back and re-doing stories. Unless I decide someday to start doing re-reads as part of my regular schedule again. Probably not. I have considered making a re-read special where I picked a few of my old favorites or big-name stories read ages ago (think Background Pony) for a single blog. Like, say, for my 500th blog or whatever.
Thanks for the kind words!
I'd say that disappointing people through insufficient productivity is a good problem to have (by the standards of disappointing people), but honestly, it feels just as bad as disappointing people through insufficient quality. Rat's continuation is certainly on the bucket list, but there are some other important projects to finish first.
4904501
I understand completely. *Glares at The Silence*
Hope you have fun on your birthday!
4904362
Thank you so much for the kind horse words! And with great timing, I'd just recently been feeling nostalgic about writing this ol' thing. I've never thought much of "leaving a legacy," but seeing two horse nerds debating my authorial intent in a FIMfic comment section, I feel I can die happy. <3
4904350
AJ kept Pappy's letters, which Rarity interpreted as her still having felt something him. I'd agree with Paul that 'mending the rift' isn't Rare's real motivation, but read what you will... In my mind, AJ did still love him, as she was only a kid when he left and couldn't quite understand what was going on at the time, but she hid her emotions from Granny, who hated him outright. Of course, none of this is explicit, heh. Also, I'm sorry, I'm such a sucker for unemotional narration over emotional scenes, in writing and especially in film. Give me my melodrama raw.