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PaulAsaran


Technical Writer from the U.S.A.'s Deep South. Writes horsewords and reviews. New reviews posted every other Thursday! Writing Motto: "Go Big or Go Home!"

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Aug
30th
2018

Paul's Thursday Reviews CXXIX · 8:55pm Aug 30th, 2018

And so I must bemoan the lack of a particularly pleasant AJ/Rares picture on my user page. I wonder if I should decorate it with images just to make it more pleasing to the eyes, even if it is already pretty crowded. Or I could start adding an unrelated image to the top of these review blogs. I dunno, have to think about it.

In the meantime, my reading/reviewing schedule has hit a crunch. The ratio of small (<10k) to medium (10k - 70k) to large (>70k) stories has been heavily skewed towards the medium and large range these last few weeks, and that’s been pushing me closer and closer to my deadlines. It’s gotten the point that my October 4th blog (yes, I schedule that far ahead) reviews stories read that day, which hasn’t happened in so long I can’t even remember it.

With this in mind, I’m taking necessary measures to rebuild my lead. For the next few scheduling sessions, I intend to put a strict 70k limit on the wordcounts of each week’s review set. I read 210k/week on average. I’m not moving/rescheduling the large stories, as they’ve been sitting there waiting in their time slots for months for me to get to them and I adamantly refuse to move them, so that takes away 70k-140k every week. Even so, by limiting what goes into each week with the large stories I can effectively read 1 to 2 blogs’ worth of material a week. It won’t happen quickly and it will force me to rearrange when some small/medium stories get read/reviewed, but for the sake of not *shudder* falling behind I think it’ll be worth it.

That’s all I’ve got for today. Reviews!

Stories for This Week:

All The Bitter Remains by Arcelia
Strong Bad Receives a Friendship Report by RTStephens
A Time to Remember by Dull Mist
She's Dazzling by ellie_
For the Good of Equestria by brokenimage321
The Story of a Forgotten Prince by KorenCZ11
The Nightmare Omen by TheKissoftheVoid
Save the Records by TheBandBrony
Swimming Lessons by reynard
Grading on a Bell Curve by Novel-Idea

Total Word Count: 102,428

Rating System

Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 6
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 2
None: 0


Everything I expected, nothing I hoped.

Apple Bloom – who has apparently changed her name to Applebloom – decides to visit Sweet Apple Acres many years after the farm was sold by the Apple Family. There’s really nothing more to it than that.

On the one hand, I can see what Arcelia is trying to do here. There’s a solid effort made to generate a strong atmosphere regarding the nostalgic, painful loss of childhood. Sometimes it was on the mark, but in many parts I felt the author wasn’t quite there. A great example is when Scootaloo’s abandoned scooter comes up and gets a single sentence that doesn’t do near enough on its own. Minor grammatical issues also get in the way, although I’ll grant some of them may have been on purpose (I do that myself on occasion). As the story moved on, there were points were I felt like Arcelia was trying too hard, but it’s hard to put my finger on why half the time. Word choice? Style? Formatting? It all contributed to leave me strangely underwhelmed.

Then Apple Bloom started talking to Applejack, and things sorta went downhill after that. Arcelia needs to practice her dialogue a bit, methinks. It came out unrealistic, seeming almost like a script. The best example, to summarize: “I miss Big Mac too, now let’s go home.” Doesn’t exactly sound like AJ, does it? Sounds more like that mean aunt who keeps you around so she can live off that inheritance you got.

All of this should be taken with a grain of salt. Arcelia put forth a good effort, and I can see the start of something great in this. It’s not there, but nobody pulled it off the first time. I aim to read Arcelia’s more recent material to see if there are any improvements (especially now that she’s so closely associated with Cerulean).

Bookshelf: Needs Work

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Tea Party With a DraconequusNeeds Work


Ah, Strongbadia. I can’t tell you guys how many hours my sister and I wasted on that silly website. Don’t have a clue what I’m talking about? Then go here. Beware, the main page alone can keep you busy for a while. You’re welcome, by the way. I highly recommend the email section, it’s a nonstop stream of entertainment.

In this story, a prank by Rainbow Dash unintentionally leads to one of Twilight’s letters going to Strong Bad instead of Celestia, and we get to watch his perfectly in-character and highly amusing response. I can tell RTStephens has seen a lot of Strong Bad Emails, and I thoroughly approve.

Of course, if you don’t know the Homestar Runner series then this might not do anything for you. You should fix that by learning about it immediately.

The one and only thing that I didn’t like about this story is the opening in which RTStephens apparently felt obligated to inform the audience that they do not own MLP or HomestarRunner.com. Yes, thank you, author. I honestly thought you were a CEO of Hasbro and the owner of a popular and unrelated website at the same time. I never would have guessed that you putting fanfiction on a website blatantly dedicated to fanfiction implies you don’t actually own what you’re writing about. Come on, people, don’t assume the readers are idiots. There is no legal obligation for you to do this and it annoys me every time I see it.

Ignoring that one admittedly minor hiccup, this was an amusing blast from the past. If you know the referenced material, by all means jump in and laugh. If you don’t, then learn it and then jump in anyway. You won’t regret it.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good!

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author! (wait, seriously?)


It’s the Summer Sun Celebration, and usually Spike the Librarian and Princess Twilight of Ponyville spend the day together. But Twilight is late, and Spike’s beginning to wonder if something is wrong. So he heads off to her castle across the city to investigate…

I was hoping this wouldn’t be yet another “Immortality Sucks” story, but that’s exactly what I got. This time it’s layered with an extra element of the “Our Memories Make Us Who We Are” theme. There’s nothing new here, and if you’re sick and tired of seeing the same ideas paraded around ad nauseum then you might as well skip this one.

As for the story itself… it’s not bad on the whole. Really, it’s got a lot of the things a good story needs; decent intro, rising action, strong conclusion, awareness of the setting, so on and so forth. But it struggles with a lot of mistakes and could use a good editing run. There many words missing or sometimes the author says chooses different words without deleting the original ones, and a few times there, are commas where they don’t need to be. The sense of perspective is shaky at best, and I sometimes saw references to the show that were incorrect even at the time of writing. On top of all this, the author leans on adverbs like a crutch and, at least to me, seemed to work too hard at conveying emotion, making said emotion come out overblown.

So, again, I must declare the story good but the delivery ramshackle. With the topic already as old as dirt, I’m sorry to say this doesn’t have much going for it.

Bookshelf: Needs Work

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Me, You, and a Library for TwoNeeds Work


She's Dazzling

1,009 Words
By ellie_

Alternative Title: You Knew That You Fell

Over the last couple years I’ve grown more of an appreciation for the Equestria Girls setting, and especially of the Dazzlings for their character potential. And yet I still don’t know why I was so looking forward to this one story.

She’s Dazzling has Sunset Shimmer attend a Dazzlings concert. That’s it, really. The story feels almost like a practice run at making big moments, because it’s entire focus is on Sunset’s intense emotional reaction to seeing Adagio performing on stage. From beginning to end, it felt like I was reading the epic climax of something long awaited and built towards and stirring.

ellie_ pulled it off. The sheer energy of Sunset’s emotions bleeds out of this, and I am impressed. It’s not at all what I expected, but it does everything it needs to do.

Only one thing bothers me: where’s the AU tag? The Dazzlings clearly still have their powers as of this story and, obviously, can still sing. So it can’t be set after Rainbow Rocks. Yet it’s made pretty clear in Rainbow Rocks that Sunset had never seen the Dazzlings before, and here she’s depicted as a longtime fan having been to several of their concerts. This story and Rainbow Rocks are incompatible with one another. All of this is fine… if we’re given fair warning that we’re seeing something outside of canon, which we aren’t. Don’t get me wrong, this little snippet is still a great piece, but not providing the note/tag that this is an AU leaves a lot of room for confusion that hinders the impact of what is otherwise a wonderful bit of writing.

At any rate, I will be reading the sequel. I don’t expect it to hit the mark as well as this one did, but I’m not about to stop here.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good!

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sweetest Day EverPretty Good
An Apple for Ya TroubleWorth It


Twilight Sparkle, prominent librarian and teacher, has died. She was Celestia’s best friend, and her death is the straw that broke the Princess’s back. When castle employee Posie sees Her Highness entering a severe depression, she refuses to stand by and just watch. So she sneaks into Celestia’s room with the hopes of doing something about it, even if she has no idea what. What follows is a discussion in which Celestia, for the first time in centuries, tells her story.

Starting with the defeat of Discord and concluding with the loss of the Crystal Empire, this may be one of the most realistic and well-made Celestia origin stories I’ve yet to see. It avoids worldbuilding and the like and instead focuses almost exclusively on Celestia: where she came from, what she’s done, and how she got through the first two centuries of her rule. It takes a few unusual routes for this story type, such as making Luna the premier diplomat of the duo for a change, but it always does these things in a manner that feels believable.

The story is well-paced, at times emotional, and does a great job of normalizing Celestia without seeming to take any great effort to do so. That last point is, in a story like this, a critical element, so it’s great to see brokenimage321 pull it off. Combine that with fascinating recounts of the fights against Discord and Sombra, the latter of whom had my blood curdling with his methods. This may be the best rendition of Sombra I’ve seen, making him more than just a random villain with a low voice and an obsession with crystals. He’s clever, he’s charismatic, he’s intelligent, and most of all he’s unrepentantly evil for a purpose. Solid approval here.

In the end I had only two complaints, and they are related. The first is that the story doesn’t really… end. It’s conclusion is more like a breathing point, a place to take a break and continue later. This was intentional, given that the author added a “to be continued” at the end, but it still felt underwhelming and a little disappointing.

Not so disappointing as the lie. brokenimage321 promised a sequel. Instead he writes a couple what if side stories and a notes collection of events. And somehow the author claims they “can’t” continue the story. Which is another lie, because they are still clearly writing stories – big ones, and recently – and yet want us to believe this one’s not going to continue. Yes, I read that blog, and it’s fine to take a hiatus for a while, but to deny the potential for continuing a great epic worthy of more attention even after the writing continues? I expect more for someone of this caliber.

But the story is solid in every way I can think of aside from the ending, and at least there is something like a continuation, and that eases the annoyance a bit. It doesn’t excuse the lie, but it does make it easier to tolerate. This story deserves a great rating and I’ll give it one. I’m just… so disappointed.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good!

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Celestia XVIIWHYRTY?


In an AU where Luna is dead, Prince Blueblood believes himself to be Celestia’s proudest, most loyal supporter and the worthiest of her bloodline to be named a prince. So when he and his fiancee attend a royal ball and he overhears some commenting on Celestia’s naughty mating habits, he’s quick to leap to her defense sword-first. But as time goes by and more ponies work to convince him that Celestia might not be as chaste as he believes, he steadily comes to a horrible realization: Equestria is littered with Celestia’s unaware spawn. And what’s worse, some day one of them might prove his better by virtue of that bloodline. And then there’s this supposedly lowborn Twilight Sparkle...

This was a fascinating story marred only by its rushed pacing. Here we get to watch a Prince Blueblood who is a bit more reasonable than he is in the show but still every bit the haughty, self-important noble. Unlike what we see in the show, this version of him is talented, magically powerful, and loyal to a fault. All of this starts to die away, however, as he steadily comes to realize not only the truth about his beloved Queen, who raised him like a son, but of the many potential heirs who may someday outshine him. The revelations turn him into a bitter, violent pony, bringing out all his worst tendencies.

Overall? An excellent concept. And it’s even decently delivered; in terms of writing, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. This one shows that KorenCZ11 has a solid grasp of showcasing emotion and steady character growth.

The problem I have is that the whole story is rushed. While each scene is unto itself nicely paced and realistic, there are significant gaps in the story as we transition from one scene to another with little thought for a sense of the passing of time. The only exception is the first transition, where it’s made clear that a few months have gone by. But from that point on, I have no idea. Was his duel with Twilight a week after his discussion with his friend? Was Twilight’s ascension a day later or months? We have no way to know.

Far worse is what we aren’t allowed to see. Blueblood clearly adores his Aunt Celestia. What does Celestia think of him? Oh, yes, he says that Celestia raised him like a son, but not once in the entire story do we ever see proof of that because not once does he actually interact with the princess. Is even that aspect of his life just in his head?

Why aren’t we given the chance to see when Twilight wins the Morning Star? It would have been the single most powerful, defining moment of Blueblood’s character and thus of the entire story and KorenCZ11 just skips it?

Then there’s his wife Pristine, who is given the last line of the story. It’s made to look like a pivotal line. Except that she only shows up in the story twice and we know absolutely nothing about her. This is Blueblood’s wife. You’ve ended the story in a manner suggesting she should be an important character, perhaps the most second to him. So why hasn’t she been treated like that up until now? Seeing her watch as her husband descends to pride-fueled madness should have been a major element of this story, but instead she’s just… sorta… there.

I know, this all makes it sound like The Story of a Forgotten Prince is bad. It’s not. It’s really not. The author took a generally unliked (or at least meme-worthy) character and made him into a real individual in a tragic fall from grace. That’s good stuff. By itself, the story is actually quite enjoyable and I highly recommend it. But in order for it to be more than just “good”, it needs keep in mind some of the elements the story itself insists are important.

Even so, this is a great start for an author I’ve not noticed up till now.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!


The Nightmare Omen

8,025 Words
By TheKissoftheVoid
Recommended by Pascoite

Set prior to the arrival of Nightmare Moon 1,000 years ago, this story follows Celestia’s personal student when her favorite dream is set upon by none other than the Nightmare itself. Nightmare Moon wants to send Celestia a message, and who better to do that than her favorite pony?

This is a cruel tale and an atmospheric feast of the senses as the main character struggles to escape the Nightmare in its own domain. If one looks at Equestria in a darker light than the show does then I can definitely see something like this happening. Well written with a strong sense of visuals and emotion, the story is certainly more than I expected.

That said, it is a grim and ominous one, and the happy ending crusaders will not be entertained. Read this only if you’re willing to accept that Bad Things™ happen.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good!

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!


Save the Records

2,771 Words
By TheBandBrony
Recommended by Bad Horse

Alternative title: An Insane Griffon Raves About Music and the End of the World

Stories like this annoy me. Not because they’re bad – they aren’t – but because they make me feel stupid. There’s a complex goings on of music and the end of the world with no reason or flow that I can see, but I know that there must be and I’m missing it but I don’t want to have to re-read this story five times and stop to think about every paragraph in order to really grasp what’s going on. In the end, it sounds like… well, see my alternative title.

Has the world actually been destroyed, or is this guy just some nutbar on the street corner? Is this story meant to be a big love note to music in general? It does openly question why we always think to save paintings or books or statues but not music. And then there’s the musical notes; are we meant to be hearing the music as we move along? I was in choir for many years, but I couldn’t tell you the difference between a B-flat and a C-sharp – I just followed the rise and fall of the notes that came naturally. So you try to throw something like that at me – and most of the audience, I’ll bet – and I’ll react with a blank stare.

My point is, this is a story that seems to have deeper intentions, and it may be obligatory to understand music in the way musicians do in order to understand the story itself. I don’t, so I’m left confused at best. I can’t tell you if this story is a good or a bad one, I can only tell you that it is a story. As such, it is only reasonable that I abstain from giving it any of my normal ratings.

Don’t let that deter you. If you feel as though you can grasp the intentions here, by all means try. Let me know if you figure it out.

Bookshelf: Missed Audience

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!


Swimming Lessons

16,625 Words
By reynard
Completed Story

Seven-year-old Sunset Shimmer is good at everything. When Celestia assigns her a task, she knows the filly will get it done in record time. Which is all well and good. But then a little casual event at the Royal Pool reminds Celestia that her favorite student can’t swim, and she decides this needs fixing. Turns out there’s at least one thing Sunset can’t learn naturally…

This is a delightful story showcasing the Time Before™ when Celestia had an entirely different little pony to educate. Filly Sunset proves every bit as interesting to watch as Filly Twilight, and it’s nice to see her get a little of this brand of spotlight for a change. Along the way we get nice hints at Sunset’s past and even get to delight in poor Kibitz watery misfortune from time to time. By the end of it we see a more confident Sunset and have a fresh look at her relationship with her teacher.

I’ve got nothing to complain about. This story was everything it needed to be and didn’t overstay its welcome. Definitely a must-read for fans of Sunset who want a look into her old Equestrian life.

Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!


And so we return to Novel-Idea’s doomed (but it sure doesn’t feel like it yet) AU where Sunset never left Equestria and continues to rebuild her life around the tenets of Harmony and Friendship. In this case she runs into Cheerilee in a teacher’s lounge. After a brief chat, it is revealed that Cheerilee is doubting her choice of profession. Sunset won’t stand for that nonsense.

This story had the odd and probably unintended effect of making me realize how much I appreciate Cheerilee as an individual in the MLP universe. Listening to Professor Clear talk about her filled me with a strange and wholly unexpected sense of pride for Ponyville’s resident teacher. But beyond that, this is a simple but pleasant story about Sunset, for the first time ever, doing something good just for the sake of doing it (and maybe inflating Cheerilee’s ego).

I would make the argument that if you actually think to yourself “this is my chance to do good for the sake of doing good!”, you’re doing it wrong. A truly good person doesn’t see this as an opportunity. But Sunset gets a pass here because, let’s face it, she wasn’t a very good pony at all most of her life and almost certainly needs that bit of self-affirmation. She’ll get there. Eventually. I hope. If Equestria isn’t destroyed first.

This story feels less like a major chapter in Sunset’s redemption arc and more like an excuse to introduce Cheerilee as her latest friend. I’m perfectly fine with that; through a combination of setting, pleasant narrative and general feel-good-iness (that’s officially a word now, shut up) the story manages to be interesting and fun in equal measure. A simple tale, but a very well-made one at that. A fine addition to the Wavelengths timeline Novel has been developing, if I do say so myself.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good!

Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Cloudsdale ReportWHYRTY?
Bards of the BadlandsPretty Good
Princess Celestia: A Brief HistoryPretty Good
The Alchemy of ChemistryPretty Good
The Application of Unified Harmony MagicsPretty Good


Stories for Next Week:

Forgiven by ashiida
Broken Butterfly by Manes
Get Clean! by ocalhoun
Sleeping Your Way to the Top by -TGM-
Sol Point by CoffeeBean
Honesty is a Virtue by KorenCZ11
The Path to Paradise by TheCrystalRing
Before Closing by Rambling Writer
Roam-Springa by Pascoite
Den Fjerde Væg by Meta Four


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Comments ( 11 )

The one and only thing that I didn’t like about this story is the opening in which RTStephens apparently felt obligated to inform the audience that they do not own MLP or HomestarRunner.com.

Written in a time and place where something like that was expected of ya, especially from fanfiction.net where I previously posted my stuff to. You'll be happy to know I don't do that anymore. Growth?

New Author! (wait, seriously?)

... Don't expect too much from my stories. My early days were spent making every amateur mistake (including the one above). I'd like to believe I've gotten better but much of my stuff on my profile page has a lot left to be desired. Perhaps you'll think differently if you ever get to them.

Glad you liked this one, though! It's a favorite of mine.

The stuff I'm writing now is on a different account, doing a Final Fantasy VI fusion.

There many words missing

This is deliciously ironic.

brokenimage321 is a pretty good writer, but I appear to have only read one thing by him, and it wasn't this.

I've read Forgotten Prince, and I agree with the pacing and event-skipping making things blur by. In fact, it seems to have bothered me more than you. We almost immediately go from Blueblood vowing to defeat Twilight to him lamenting her death, and this wasn't the only example of mood whiplash. And yes, I also noted now his wife should have been an important character, but she comes and goes with so little fanfare that it's hard to assign any gravity to her choice to stick with him to the end. On the technical side, the dialogue mechanics are consistently wrong. The writing and the premise were fine, but I spent much of it being confused or wondering why we weren't seeing the more interesting parts.

I did enjoy "The Nightmare Omen" for its atmosphere, one of the quickest ways to get me engaged in a tale. It is one of those that feels like it doesn't end so much as stop, though, and the narrative voice doesn't change much between any of the focus characters, which makes it hard to gauge Morning Glory's age. It has a few stylistic problems (telly at inopportune times, repetition), but it did have a strong sense of character and setting, and I enjoyed reading it, which is saying something, since I'm usually firmly in the "prefers nice endings" camp.

I'm a little surprised you hadn't read anything by thebandbrony before. I haven't read this one, but I enjoyed "Three out of Ten" and "The Waters of March."

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Oh yay, Roam-Springa is coming! :D

Oohboi, we got Sol Point coming...

Gosh that feels like so long ago

Thanks for doing this, I really appreciate the feed back. It's difficult to progress without direction and I've mostly been doing this without any since I started.

Funny thing about Forgotten Prince (and the rest of my short stories for that matter) is that they're all usually written in one sitting and set to one piece of music. No plan, no outline, just a mood and a vague idea. This one in particular was a vent piece. I was furious about something that had happened recently, and so I just started writing. Blueblood's rant is actually just my initial venting slightly reworded to fit the story around it. After I'd gone to eat and had time to calm down, I started thinking on my little page of anger. Rather than let the time I put into it go to waste, why not use what I've written to give someone that same feeling of raw emotion? I wondered who I could fit easiest into my shoes or adapt it for, when Blueblood came to mind. The rest just fell into place from there, and so it came together.

I think I might try and put more into the next story that happens like this one (because there will be another some day) instead of just letting my mood decide the piece like I have been thus far. If this, which is literally a page of anger turned into a story over the course of a quarter of a day, is almost there, then a more indepth story is likely a scene or two away from being great. We'll see what happens though. I've had some ideas swirling around about adding another branch to my virtues, and I may just act on that.

4928704 On the technical side, the dialogue mechanics are consistently wrong.

How so? I've been writing this way for a very long time and no one has ever tried to correct me on it.

4928734
And Paul reads weeks ahead of time, so I've already gotten the notification of which bookshelf it goes on. :P

4928865
I'll go through some simple examples. If I have a short piece of dialogue like this:
"Hi, good to see you."
and I want to add a speaking action to it, there are several ways. I can put the tag first, in which case I need to add a comma after the tag to transition to the dialogue:
He said, "Hi, good to see you."
I can also put it after the speech. In this case, I still need a comma, but it replaces the period at the end of the dialogue, and since the tag is still part of the same sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized:
"Hi, good to see you," he said.
Finally, you can place it in the middle, in which case the tag gets commas on both ends:
"Hi," he said, "good to see you."

Note that the comma in the second example would only replace a period. If the dialogue ends in some other punctuation, it remains unchanged:
"Hi, good to see you!" he said.

So I'll pull a few from your story.

“I see that the lecherous Queen is looking for new blood again. What a tragic figure head she is.” I heard somepony whisper nearby with a laugh.

The period at the end of the speech should be a comma.

“Blueblood! You’re making a scene, put that away!” She whispered furiously.

“You simply cannot go around threatening ponies like that! How will that look on your aunt that you so ‘heroically’ claim to champion for?” She further interrogated me.

The "she" shouldn't be upper-case in either of these.

“Yes, you can, especially if it makes your Queen look worse in the process! You cannot threaten other nobles just because you don’t like what they say. Your family is falling out of favor as it is, if you want to keep your position, I suggest you act with a little more tact than this.” She said, gesturing to my posture.

The period at the end of the speech should be a comma, and the "she" shouldn't be upper-case.

These all come from the first couple of screens, but this kind of mistake persists throughout. Another common kind of error which I didn't see in your story at a quick glance is to apply those patterns to something that has no speaking action. Dialogue tags have to have one. If a piece of narration doesn't, then it shouldn't be treated like a dialogue tag, like so:
Wrong: "Hi," he opened the door.
Right: "Hi." He opened the door.
Or you can insert a speaking action:
"Hi," he said, opening the door.

4928876
4928865
Pascoite is correct in this matter. I noticed it while reading, but neglected to mention it in the midst of everything else I had to say. But I will add one more note on style:

“Yes, you can, especially if it makes your Queen look worse in the process! You cannot threaten other nobles just because you don’t like what they say. Your family is falling out of favor as it is, if you want to keep your position, I suggest you act with a little more tact than this.” She said, gesturing to my posture.

In my opinion – and I emphasize opinion, because there's nothing grammatically wrong aside from what Pascoite already pointed out – this dialogue is too long to throw the speaking action at the end. It's one thing to do it at the end of a short sentence or word, when it can have some perspective benefit, but at the end of a bunch of sentences it shows up too late to have any purpose. We've already read what the character is saying, so any potential effect the bit of narrative could have on the emotion/mood of what is said has been lost. Aside from that, if your dialogue runs this long it should be clear who is speaking by what is being said, making the speaking action redundant. If it's not clear, then something's wrong.

This isn't a particularly bad case, but I've seen people end a 500-word monologue with "he said" and couldn't contain my incredulity.

4928876
4928734

And Paul reads weeks ahead of time[...]

Well, I used to. :fluttershbad:

4928669

The stuff I'm writing now is on a different account, doing a Final Fantasy VI fusion.

It wouldn't happen to be this one, would it? Because I'm watching and waiting for it to be complete and really hoping it does the best game in the franchise justice.

4928968
That's the one! Magical Trevor started it but was losing interest in writing, so I stepped in to take lead author.

Don't hold your breath on when it will be finished. We're making progress but we've still got a ways to go.

4928876
Well that's useful. Forgotten prince is done, so I doubt I touch it again, but for my ongoing story, I might update it with this since I mean to go through it again soon. Thanks.

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