Paul's Thursday Reviews CXXXIII · 8:49pm Oct 4th, 2018
We’re at the home stretch, folks. In less than a week, Bulletproof Heart will be fully released. It’s been a fun ride with a lot of interesting commentary, but it can’t go on forever. Good news is that a sequel’s currently in the works. Bad news is that it’s coming at a grindingly slow pace. I seem to have hit an unfortunate state of writer’s block. I’m trying to muscle my way past it, but only time will tell how long it will take to get out of this slump.
In other news, today marks the first time in recent memory I’m writing reviews on the same day I’m publishing them. That’s… annoying. I’ve been taking some extra steps these last few weeks in an effort to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Anyway, if you see more typos and weird phrases than normal this go-around, just know it’s because I haven’t had time for my usual pre-publish editing run.
That’s it for today, folks. I’ll do a proper ‘end of the story’ post when the story’s actually over. For now?
Have some new reviews.
An I mean very new.
Stories for This Week:
Caught by Apple by Borsuq
A Nice Night For It by Robolestia
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories by Piquo Pie
Twilight Sparkle's School of Harmony by Venates
Autophobia by Ice Star
366 Hours by Dandereshy
Their Hearth's Warming by ThunderChaserCreate
A Small Moment by Tramper
Quizzical by JMac
Those Left Behind by the7Saviors
Total Word Count: 185,125
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 4
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Caught by Apple
1,380 Words
By Borsuq
Set in the AU world created by artist kilala (seriously, look her up on DA, her work’s awesome), this story follows Apple Bloom’s daughter Api as she tries to find somepony to blackmail. No, you didn’t read that wrong. It seems this tiny filly is eventually going to get a cutie mark in blackmail, because it’s something she’s really good at.
There’s not much to this story at all. It starts, gets to its point, and ends. It also is dependent on its audience already knowing all the characters of kilala’s universe very well. If you don’t, this will mean nothing to you. And even if you do… well, it may still mean nothing to you, because nothing really happens. I’m afraid it lacks the charm of its origin material, which it really needs to pull of its otherwise basic premise.
I’m sorry to say this did nothing for me. Which is a shame, because I really like this AU and its colorful cast of characters.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
When the Stars Align — Pretty Good
A Nice Night For It
1,055 Words
By Robolestia
In the newly reformed Night Court, Princess Luna idly waits for nopony to petition her. Bored and fearing that her status in Equestria hasn’t been improved, she ducks out for a while to speak to an old friend about her fears.
This was… curious. It’s extremely short, jumping to its main point more or less instantly. The pacing isn’t bad and the subject, while old, is perfectly suitable. It strikes me as curious that the author chose to use an OC instead of an established character, thereby making it much more difficult for us to relate to anything he says. A self-imposed challenge on Robolestia’s part? Or maybe just a desire to not resort to what everyone expects. I can’t be sure, but I do think that, without a character with an established history to fall back on, the story loses a lot of its potential weight.
This isn’t a bad story, but neither is it very memorable. Luna is bored, talks to a friend, then goes back to court. The end. I can’t help but feel that a much longer conversation – something to really press home the relationship between Luna and this OC – would have given this more effectiveness.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Pale Stallion — Pretty Good
Y’know, I expected this to be dumb. I just didn’t expect it to be this dumb.
I thought I was walking into a short story anthology. What I got instead was a nonsensical tale in which Rainbow turns into a stallion and the rest of the Mane 6 (sans Fluttershy, I note) are various degrees of nutso. Rarity’s got a radiation lab in her basement, possibly with plans of world domination, Applejack can’t so much as think about male anatomy without acting like she’s being attacked by Tirek himself… and, well, I guess Twilight’s just a slightly more OCD variant of herself. But the worst part is that we’re expected to believe Rainbow Dash has literally no concept of the difference between males and females. Yes, Piquo Pie comes up with an excuse, but frankly, I’m not buying it.
The good news? This dumb story was written with the express intention of being dumb, so it achieved its goal more or less perfectly. This even lets me care less about the constant stream of typos and grammar mistakes.
Personally? I wasn’t as amused as I’d hoped I’d be. But people looking for less mature humor full of terrible puns will probably get a kick out of it, and don’t let me stop you from having your fun (not that I could). I can’t in good conscience place it high on my bookshelves, yet I know there are plenty of people who will enjoy this way more than I ever could.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend — Pretty Good
Twilight Sparkle's School of Harmony
23,027 Words
By Venates
Was this written in reaction to the announcement that Season 8 would feature a school, or did Hasbro steal the idea? Given the nature of big, money-grubbing organizations, I’ll assume the latter and move on.
Celestia raises the idea of the Mane 6 creating and teaching at a School of Harmony. Once it’s clarified that it’s only going to be a one-day thing, the girls are more than happy to give it a go. It is very quickly revealed that none of them have the faintest idea what it takes to run a school.
This was ridiculous, but in a good way. Each of the Mane 6 get to teach their class of six not-so-enthusiastic children and problems arise more or less instantly. From Rarity unable to teach due to the sloppiness of foals to Twilight trying to understand something beyond mortal comprehension (and being mildly supremacist in the process), we get to watch as chaos reigns. And yet it’s not 100% nonsense. There are genuine moments of clarity and learning, seen rarely and slipping right under the teachers’ noses half the time.
Really, the only thing I didn’t like was how things in the final chapter became inconceivably nutso. I can understand Whoopsi Daisy’s antics, they were set up from practically the beginning, but the timberwolves? The phoenixes? Where did they come from? Seems like the author shoehorning in additional stuff because they could, if you ask me. On the other hand, watching everything that’s happened up to the end and seeing fairly strong dialogue and reasonable behavior (er, so to speak), I’m willing to believe that the story’s ‘villain’ has mastered the art of pretending in a way the Mane 6 may never manage.
This isn’t amazing, but it’s certainly amusing. Especially when blue apples get involved. Read it if you’re after a chuckle.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Pinkie Pie and The Quest for Missing Smiles – Pretty Good
The Longevity Theory — Pretty Good
Autophobia
6,033 Words
By Ice Star
Requested by Ice Star
As Canterlot is being constructed as the new home of Equestria’s now-sole Ruler, a heartbroken Celestia wonders what happened to bring about the Nightmare. Desperate for answers, she leaves the construction to her loyal ponies and heads north, to the place where she and Luna were taught magic by Starswirl the Bearded. Maybe there, at the beginning of their lives, she can piece together why her sibling was filled with so much hate.
I’m always self-conscious when it comes to reviewing poetry. It’s not my medium by any stretch of the imagination. Generally speaking, I’m pretty crummy at it, both writing it and interpreting it. I certainly couldn’t tell you if a poem’s form and structure is good or bad. So I won’t bother going into those aspects; we’ll leave more poetry-minded folk to do that.
What we find inside is a terribly damning look at history in which Starswirl is a monster and Celestia allows herself to follow in his hoofsteps. Everything about it is so drastically un-Celestia that it defies belief, but I suspect that’s the point. Even so, I don’t know how a loving sister could do the things Starswirl got Celestia to do. And if she could do the things she did, then the fact Luna became a monster and had to be banished really shouldn’t have bothered her because – let’s face it – she became the monster Starswirl wanted her to be. And that’s a roundabout way of admitting that I have trouble believing the content of this story as is given.
But ignoring that, this is a very emotional (perhaps overly so) piece about a pair of sisters and how they fell apart. It all hinges upon Starswirl’s and Celestia’s treatment of Luna during their growing years, and upon seeing it one wonders how nopony saw Luna’s corruption coming. Ice Star does a great job using imagery and visuals to paint a vivid picture in spite of the poem format, and while not everything rings with clarity there was far more than enough to make the story easily followable.
I know this makes it sound like I’m dissing poetry in general, but I’m really not. I’m just saying that I personally have trouble with it. And with that being said, I would argue that this is a great poem overall (again, ignoring the technicalities of its writing, of which I am in no position to judge). The subject, which is as old as the show, is made fresh and interesting by a change in format and a strong focus on the emotional aspect of everything that is happening. I enjoyed it more than I normally would for poetry, which is more than enough for me to give it a passing rating.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
366 Hours
24,475 Words (Incomplete)
By Dandereshy
Requested by Dandereshy
Deep in the Frozen North, Fluttershy is on her way home from a personal vacation when the train she’s on derails. With everypony else dead save for the pegasus Blue and both of them grounded by their injuries, they must find a way to survive in the frigid, unforgiving wilds until rescue comes. Things only get harder when they learn that they are being stalked…
Reading Incompletes is always a little frustrating, especially if they’re good ones. Now I’m doomed to have to re-read all of this again when and if it’s ever finished, because I certainly want to know how it ends. Fluttershy and Blue, both fairly normal ponies, combine their individual knowledge well, each aware of crucial survival skills the other lacks. Dandereshy also plays the game well by gradually increasing the difficulty on our protagonists, each night giving them more and more issues to have to deal with. The result is an interesting story that makes me curious to see each new development.
There are some issues, of course. For starters, why are they ignoring one of Fluttershy’s most intrinsic and valuable assets? She can talk to animals. It’s shown in-story that there are birds she can commune with. So why isn’t she asking said birds to show her where to find some food, some water, some shelter is? I get that Dandereshy wants to make things a challenge, but you can’t ignore a vital and blatantly obvious advantage without at least providing a good reason to do so.
The story also has problems with exposition. A great example is when, in chapter four, hypothermia becomes a problem. Did we really need to see a paragraph-long explanation of all the symptoms of hypothermia? Especially when the next several thousand words are dedicated to showing us those symptoms anyway? No, no we don’t. Nor did we need a long explanation as to why it is Blue and Fluttershy have never seen the Northern Lights before.
Dandereshy, if the material needs to be explained, do it while the story is advancing. You did this just fine while Fluttershy and Blue were fighting off hypothermia in chapter four. It was good development; the characters were doing things, the situation was dire, and the information was being steadily fed to the reader via the characters’ actions and dialogue. Try to do that with all situations that call for more information. Information dumps ruin the mood, don’t advance the story, and oftentimes give out more information than the reader actually needs.
The next issue I had is subjective, so feel free to ignore it: I didn’t like the shifts to the predator’s perspective. Why do we need to know what the creature is thinking and seeing? I get it, there’s a desire to create some tension with this, but I honestly don’t think it’s necessary. After all, the duo found its tracks. They know it’s stalking them (Which brings up the stupidity of their decision that leads to first encountering it. They both should have known better.). You can easily create tension just by having them linger on the subject at the right moments instead of jumping to the perspective of some monster watching them from the woods. I also didn’t see any advantage in showing the monster’s thoughts seconds before its first attack. I prefer to keep the perspective to the main characters and nobody else.
But again, that’s a subjective thought, so consider it strictly a suggestion.
The only other issue I found is that their individual knowledge seems odd given what is known about Fluttershy. Take for example, the idea that predators don’t like fire. This knowledge comes from Blue, and Fluttershy claims to have had no idea. Uh, what? First of all, this is Fluttershy we’re talking about. Second, she literally just spent some quality time with a pack of wild wolves in the Frozen North (yes, that’s in-story). In any case, how could she possibly not be aware of this? That’s just one example; there were others that popped up. It’s not a game changer, didn’t ruin my appreciation of the story, but it is a bit of quirkiness that takes me out of the immersion a little.
Now, with all of this being known: I still enjoyed myself. The story certainly needs some polishing, but it’s not a bad start by any means. I’m looking forward to seeing where this story is going, if not having to re-read it all from scratch when it’s done. Because I will be doing so in time. As such, and as part of my usual rules for Incompletes, I won’t be giving it a rating just yet, but I will say that if I did it would fall firmly into the “worth it” category. Perhaps when it’s done it’ll climb into the “pretty good” bookshelf, but only time will tell.
Good luck, author.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Their Hearth's Warming
7,536 Words
By ThunderChaserCreate
Recommended by Pascoite
With Hearth’s Warming on the way, Twilight notices everyone in the Apple Family acting a little odd. She eventually learns that the Family has never bothered with Hearth’s Warming because, alas, they never have the money to do so. Twilight and her friends come to the unanimous decision that this simply will not do.
This was a delightful little tale. It fits the holiday spirit wonderfully, taking on those things that make the celebration important and nothing that doesn’t. There’s really not much to say about this. From the characterization (Pinkie in particular was great) to the pacing to the final message, I have nothing to complain about. There’s even a delightful little mystery at the end, leaving questions I don’t really want to have answered.
What else can I say? Forget the the time of year, this is a worthwhile story any time.
I should make a note that I’ve got a ‘thing’ for good Christmas/Hearth Warming stories. Almost as much as I do for Halloween/Nightmare Night ones. So this might be just a liiiiitle biased.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Small Moment
2,592 Words
By Tramper
Recommended by paul
Rarity spends all night working on a special dress, in spite of nightmare-suffering little sisters and a hungry cat.
I have the unfortunate feeling that this one’s trying too hard. It wants to be a character study of Rarity, but at the same time it appears determined to get that wrong. I enjoyed the atmosphere of it, to be sure, but it stumbles in a number of areas. The biggest one to me was having Rarity make big, seemingly selfish demands of ponies without an explanation, even though the explanation is wholeheartedly good. I could understand this if the demands would end up helping the pony in question, but they don’t, and as a result it makes no sense to me for Rarity to keep her reasons secret. I suppose that’s a subjective issue, though.
It also leans heavily on exposition, keeping everything nice and mysterious until, suddenly and for no reason, throwing us a wall of information we didn’t necessarily need. Why her parents are fighting is a great example.
Tramper also seems to have a lot of trouble with the writing, such as not being able to decide whether it’s spelled Sweetie Belle or (sigh) Sweetiebelle. There are a lot of common phrases thrown around incorrectly, which results in them meaning something the author most certainly didn’t intend. And a frequent lack of commas where they are definitely needed. And a subtitle that suggests this is going to be a story about generosity but it’s really nowhere to be found.
I’m not sure what Tramper was trying to do with this one. Showcase Rarity’s sense of familial obligation? Attempt to define the concept of generosity in an extremely roundabout manner? Just drift through Rarity’s thoughts for a night? Seriously, I’ve no clue.
I don’t know, maybe if I had a better idea of what the author intended with this one I could get something more out of it. As it stands, the constant grammatical issues coupled with a lack of purpose leaves me less than enthusiastic.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Substance — Pretty Good
You Got Me — Pretty Good
Making My Mark — Needs Work
Quizzical
26,980 Words
By JMac
Sequel to "I'll Take That One."
In JMac’s very first FIMFiction story, we meet a filly who can best be described as Maud Pie and Twilight Sparkle rolled into one. Bear in mind that this was written before there was such a thing as a Maud Pie. At any rate, Quizzical is Princess Luna’s personal student, and she has applied to become Twilight’s new research assistant in Ponyville. She’s basically there under the same instructions Twilight was under: make friends. Unlike Twilight, Quizzical takes to her new life with great eagerness. Not that you could tell.
I enjoyed this one. Quizzical was fun to watch, a mini-Maud with the added benefit of Twilight’s neurosis and a profound lack of self-esteem. It doesn’t take any time at all for her to gain the attention and affection of the usual subjects, including a filly trio and the lisp-addled filly everybody forgot exists. Watching Twilight take on a guardian role was nice too.
The story certainly has its issues, ranging from typos to a pace that’s a little fast, not to mention a leap of logic or two and some mildly frustrating exposition. All of this is to be expected given how early in JMac’s writing career it originates from and the author’s usual issues. I’m willing to forgive much in this case specifically because of my awareness of how much the author’s improved over the years, and I must admit I’m curious to see where this AU is going.
As an introduction to JMac as a writer, this one will likely underwhelm. It’s a pleasant and fun little story with a mediocre overall quality. But if you’re familiar with the writer and would like to see an earlier work (or in this case, the earliest), I see no reason not to indulge. Perhaps I’ll be visiting Quizzical again soon.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
"I'll Take That One." — Pretty Good
Being Neighborly — Pretty Good
A Little Game Of War — Worth It
Stand Ready — Needs Work
Those Left Behind
62,796 Words
By the7Saviors
Completed Story
Alternate Title: In Which Twilight Dooms Equestria (Again)
In a flash of burning power, the apocalypse has come. All life has been wiped out in an instant. Every town, every person, every animal. Gone, just like that. But the Princesses of Equestria are immortal, even in the face of global annihilation. Now Celestia, Luna, CadanceCadence, and Twilight Sparkle must figure out not only what happened, but find a way to defeat the lovecraftian monstrosity responsible for it all.
This is a story for those who like getting their souls crushed. No, seriously, it’s a nonstop roller coaster ride of endless pain and agony with no end in sight, ever. If you’re a Happy Ending Crusader, run away as fast as you can.
But if you’re like me and find purpose in the pain? Holy cow, have I got a story for you.
Those Left Behind is brutal. It’s poignant. It’s well written. Best of all, it has an origin and an end that may just surprise you and, more importantly, works really well. When the final chapter showed up and everything came together, I can’t tell you how pleased I was, despite being well aware that things were about to turn to shit all over again (and don’t try to tell me otherwise). Watching the bulwarks of Equestria steadily fall to evil is a distinctly emotional experience and the7Saviors took full advantage of it.
I wish I could go into more detail but, alas, that can’t be done. Not without an inappropriate amount of spoiling, which in this case I don’t want to do. About the only thing in the entire story that rubbed me the wrong way was how the author kept adding little things in the Author’s Notes as if trying to garner extra readers with super dramatic extra words that mean nothing!™. I remember when I used to do this, which makes it all the more annoying. Seriously, folks, if your story alone isn’t enough to keep people reading, adding these things at the end via Author’s Notes isn’t going to help matters. At best, it’ll be ignored. At worst, it’ll drive people away. We don’t need you telling us that the next chapter’s going to be “intense” or that the we’ve reached the “beginning of the end”. Nor is there any need to tell the audience not to worry about this or that happening – that’s what the story’s for.
But ignoring that one (glaring) hiccup, I thoroughly… eh… “enjoyed” myself, to use a common phrase in a not-quite-accurate way. For those of you looking for a gripping and painful experience, this will be right up your alley. It’s a guarantee there are a lot of people who will disdainfully interpret this story as “pain for pain’s sake”, but the7Saviors isn’t writing for them. Everyone else?
Definitely give this one a go.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
The Tempest by Carabas
The Birth of Harmony by AugieDog
Pick Me Up At Seven by Jondor
Love Countdown by Glimglam
Princess Celestia Goes to Costco by Grand_Moff_Pony
The First Flame by Rune Soldier Dan
The Person in the Mirror by Quicksear
Of the Valley by archonix
Innavedr by Imploding Colon
Culling of the Hives by law abiding pony
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Ooh, Of the Valley is a name I recognize! :D
Thanks for the review and your interpretation of the story! The detail you went into was fantastic, though I would like to point out that the flashbacks weren't so much during the early years of Luna and Celestia. They were indicated to have been from some foreign area/teenage foundlings of a sort within the story. If you're still puzzled over the part you've dubbed 'un-Celestia' then maybe you're unfamiliar with the concept of susceptibility? A socially and physically isolated youth caught between a rock and a hard place with a passive personality (and the autophobia of the title) can be made to follow harmful behavior patterns if resolve is broken, etc. Celestia, Starswirl, and Luna's dynamic is based on many abusive parent/sibling kinds of dynamics where one sibling/child can be favored and groomed to harm the other, especially if there is some present mental instability.
I think the one I recommended was the only one I've read. I liked it and have recommended it around Christmastime frequently. My only issues with it were fairly small: Twilight's kind of an asshole through much of it, and the story's chief conflict (AJ being too proud to accept help) gets resolved both off camera and almost instantaneously. But it's definitely cute and full of heartwarming goodness.
Hell, I didn't know you were a big fan of Hearth's Warming stories. Given what I said last week about authors' best stories, it's curious that this came up, because 2 of my best stories are Hearth's Warming ones. And a third that, while maybe not one of my best-written stories, may be one of my most interesting concepts.
This is probably some of the best advice you can give someone who’s writing a dark story. If it’s full of suffering make it meaningful suffering. I’m still trying to figure this one out.
*Sees his story on the docket for next week*
I would just like to thank you for your time and feedback, PaulAsaran. I am extremely grateful for your review and hope I can intrigue you again with something better.
How painful is "Those Left Behind", on a scale from 0 to "Nine Days Down"?
4948320
I am indeed a fan of such stories, especially when they’re done well. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Christmas tales. I just never saw the need to advertise the fact. Heck, one of my earliest successes (long before MLP:FiM was a thing) was a Christmas tale.
4948623
That’s not an easy call to make, as they are very different stories in style and purpose. If I were to just throw an answer out, I’d say Those Left Behind is way darker than Nine Days Down, but without context it is an easily debatable claim.
As a story, I would definitely say Nine Days Down is superior in every aspect. Nine Days Down has a whole cast of characters for us to fall in love with and root for, especially Twilight as she struggles to remain herself despite the horrors she sees. By contrast, Those Left Behind really only has four characters, and all we’re seeing is those four characters being broken by an evil entity. Entirely different circumstances in an entirely different format with entirely different results. But Those Left Behind largely relies on the readers already having some connection to the Princesses, whereas Nine Days Down makes the extra effort to help you develop a renewed camaraderie with Twilight, hence her pains are more intimate to the reader there.
And then there’s the simple question: what’s darker? All life as we know it wiped out in a flash, or entering a hellish world where everything wants to kill you and struggling to get out while learning of the tortures others have been through? Granted, Twilight does go through a lot of crap in Those Left Behind, but it doesn’t have anywhere near the depth of Nine Days Down, in any manner that you might define ‘depth’.
But then you get the purpose. Nine Days Down has that in spades, and even has a happy (or at least bittersweet) ending, whereas Those Left Behind is just chapter after chapter on pain with no hope of a positive outcome. So yeah, from that perspective, Those Left Behind is way darker.
4948783
Thanks for the detailed response! That sounds like it's not my cup of dark roast after all, and I'm glad I found that out before I drank of that bitter chalice.
4948775
Well, see if any of these pique your interest, then. Not review requests, not something where you'd take time writing anything up. Just so you can enjoy a quick read to yourself as we get closer to Hearth's Warming season.
Dinkin' Donuts
How Lily Longsocks Spent Hearth's Warming Eve on the Moon
A Wish for the Ages
Those first two are written as children's stories, if that's a turn-off, though I think I remember you liking Lucky Dreams's writing.
For other authors, I liked Gifts Ungiven, If Only in My Dreams, Home, The Perfect Gift for the Perfect Sister, and Yule in a Donut Shop (I haven't cross-checked those to see if you've reviewed any of them already).
Jeez... That was more than 5 years ago.
One of my first stabs at genuine fiction, too. A Small Moment had no ambition or really anything. It was a season 1 thing, when the characters weren't as well developed and I just took a thought I had about Rarity and put it into words. There wasn't anything I tried to say, no genuine statement. At least, none that I remember.
Well, thanks for the review. It mostly points out stuff I already know or knew, so I can't really capitalize on anything. It's an old story by someone who was trying to get better at writing in a foreign language and as such, I doubt it left an impact on anyone. At best, it's utterly mediocre, at worst... It's a grammatical nightmare.
Thank you for your review!! I'm thrilled that you loved the story, it sounds like you really got what i was trying to get across. I've been considering a Revamp(TM) for the holidays based on quite a few reviews the fic has garnered overtime... Perhaps this is the year!!