Paul's Thursday Reviews CXXXV · 8:37pm Oct 18th, 2018
Remember back when I was fretting over writing reviews right before or even on the day of publication? This blog is the first one resulting from my efforts to correct the problem. To be specific, I intentionally rearranged my review order so that this blog would have less than 70k words of total wordcount reviewed. I did the same with the next blog and less than 90k with the one after. The good news is that it appears to have paid off. The bad news is that I’m currently in the midst of a 21-review week, and next week I’ll review 27 stories. The wordcount-per-week hasn’t changed, but when all you’re reading is short stories they tend to pile up, and sometimes writing the review can take as long as or longer than the actual reading.
So… yeah. Busy weeks ahead. But it’ll be worth it if I can regain my lead!
In the meantime, I’ve got an October short story (sadly not horror-themed) that is in the hands of my pre-reader volunteer. Once that’s out, hopefully this weekend or early next week, I intend to hold off on writing any short stories for a little while. I’m pretty far behind on my release schedule and would like to devote a few months to catching back up. The question is whether I can maintain the necessary willpower to abstain from said short story distractions for long enough to do so.
So. Shall we do some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Things Best Left Unknown by FoughtDragon01
Fluttershy's Tail by Alexstrazsa
Twilight has Writer’s Block by Selbi
The Sanctuary of Lights by SapphireStarlightPony
Spitfire's Pet Unicorn by Beware The Carpenter
Little things... by Smexy Sombra
Eventide by DivinePanzer
Run from Here by HerpDerp
The Old Hound by TheWritingWorkshop
Life Is Not Fair by Slate Sadpony
Total Word Count: 66,292
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Things Best Left Unknown
9,120 Words
By FoughtDragon01
Through copious begging only the most respectful and appropriate methods for a princess, Twilight convinces Zecora to let her have the potion of past sight from Princess Twilight Sparkle for research purposes. Her first test sends her to a past event where she gets to watch Princess Celestia perform an act that leads to one of the darkest times in Equestria’s history. Now there’s only one question worth answering: Why did she do it?
The theme of this story is one often encountered when dealing with the relationship between Celestia and Twilight: Celestia isn’t perfect. It’s both about the consequences of a leader’s actions and the bond that these two have. FoughtDragon01 does a decent job of showcasing both subjects. The conversation that is the centerpiece of the whole story is nicely worked and I have no complaints whatsoever in that regard.
The strange thing is that, while the author did everything well, I was never really pulled into the story. It’s hard to say what went wrong in that regard, though I suspect it has to do with a weak hook at the start. But it can’t just be that, because long after the confrontation starts I still wasn’t getting into it. Perhaps it had to do with the descriptions, which were more tell than show. Whatever the case, the end result is that I liked the story, but wasn’t impressed by it.
This one isn’t bad, but neither is it special. I like the premise on the whole and how FoughtDragon01 approached it, but it needs something more, something I’m having trouble placing, to be better. And for that lack of suggestion, I can only apologize to the author.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
"Ultimate Power is Finally... Mine?" — Pretty Good
Fluttershy's Tail
4,438 Words
By Alexstrazsa
In this one, Fluttershy’s tail has grown to such great lengths that it now accumulates things from her passing. This leads to such unintended pick ups as Twilight’s quills, the Alicorn Amulet, and the Triforce. “Wait, what?” Yes, you read that third one correctly.
This is a story with… I suppose ‘subdued humor’ would be the appropriate term. It’s given in an entirely straight-laced fashion with no apparent effort made to be humorous despite the premise obviously being meant for that effect. That doesn’t stop it from being funny now and then, but the general lack of wit in the narrative doesn’t do it any favors. The one time it tried to go into exaggerated behavior/hijinks came out more ridiculous than funny because it didn’t match with how the story was written at all.
I can sympathize; I know how hard it is to write something meant to be entirely comedic in nature. Not a bad concept, and it made me smile every now and then. But the ‘normal’ writing style just doesn’t suit the intended nature. You might get a chuckle out of it, but I wouldn’t expect more.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Talk — Pretty Good
Twilight has Writer’s Block
2,665 Words
By Selbi
We’ve all been there. You can’t think of anything worthwhile and it frustrates you to no end. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly where I’m at at the time of writing this review, so this story is perfectly timed. In this case, Selbi writes about Twilight having writer’s block, which leads to Twilight writing about A.K. Yearling having writer’s block, which leads to…. Yeah, I think you get the idea.
Selbi plays the game simply enough… at first. As it turns out, “writing anything so long as you’re actually writing” can sometimes lead an author down ridiculous paths. But hey, you’re putting words to paper. That’s the most important thing, right?
I enjoyed this, even with the nonsensical ending. Just knowing the underlying point behind it is enough to make the silliness worthwhile. I especially liked Twilight’s subconscious shipping tendencies. If you have writer’s block or have experienced it before, you can’t go wrong reading this one.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
You Cannot Give Up Again — Pretty Good
The Sanctuary of Lights
31,364 Words
By SapphireStarlightPony
Situated in the Frozen North just below a region of eternal night, the town of Glendale is the single northernmost community of Equestria. And it is about to come under attack by an ancient evil: a dragon named Insomnia and her horde of wolf/dragon hybrids.
I am… disappointed. After the decent story Featherfall, I really hoped this would be something epic and fun. What I got instead is little more than a mess. The characters and events are universally uninteresting, the villain doesn’t even bother to speak, and events happen at a blurring speed. Much of this is due to the writing style, which makes little to no effort at atmosphere, pacing, or background development.
This story is rough and, frankly, wasn’t entertaining. There was a lot that could have been done with this, and instead SapphireStarlightPony blasted through it like a rocket. There were so many unanswered questions. Where did this army come from (the ponies, not the wolven)? What happened to the griffon? Why the heck do Celestia and Luna not know what’s going on? Why has no effort been made to notify them? How much time is passing? Why are we ignoring the most potent character growing moments in favor of summarized rushes of nondescript action? Who is Brindolar? What happened to Wrath?
The problems keep mounting. I’ve barely touched the surface, but I don’t want to make an essay out of this. The good news is that I’ve read Featherfall, and I know this author has improved significantly since writing this. But as for this one? I’m only barely willing to assign it a place in my bookshelves.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Featherfall — Needs Work
Spitfire's Pet Unicorn
2,031 Words
By Beware The Carpenter
Storm Of Secrets was a bit of a mess; a good idea and story ruined by amateur delivery. Ah, but note that point: despite the huge number the issues in the writing and style, the story was still good. Spitfire’s Pet Unicorn is a short prequel to that story, in which we learn the reason behind Spitfire’s odd behavior. To be specific, she found the Weak and Desperate Trixie at a talent show and hired her to murder Rainbow Dash in order to get her top spot in the Wonderbolts back.
Suddenly that opening magic show in the other story makes a lot more sense.
This one is decent in the overarching plot. I’d even say it takes its prequel job seriously, keeping the ending open as an unspoken invitation to read the main story. I consider that a smart move, all things considered. In fact, I consider this entire story a smart move; it reveals pertinent information to clarify the main story’s events, and does so entirely on its own instead of as an overlong tangent in the main story. A shame BtC didn’t maintain that method for the dozens of other overlong, needless tangents in the main story.
The big plot issues that gave Storm of Secrets so much trouble are gone here, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything; it’s entirely possible that’s only because the story’s shortness didn’t leave any room to make them. The grammar is still atrocious, with overlong sentences, incorrect comma usage, incorrect and over-frequent semicolon use, multiple punctuation marks, and so on. Grammar enthusiasts will want to give this one a pass, as I imagine this would be their equivalent to showing Dracula the Cross.
Despite all that, I’m glad I read this for the clarity it brings to the main story’s opening events. BtC has good ideas, of that I have no doubt. They just need to figure out how to present those ideas in a way that isn’t offensive to anyone with real knowledge of properly written English.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Storm Of Secrets — Needs Work
Little things...
1,286 Words
By Smexy Sombra
Alternative Title: All The Small Things
When a random writer suffers from a lack of ideas, a horde of tiny ponies show up to pester him into writing and help him.
There’s no point to this story save to be silly and have a small army of finger-sized ponies be cute. And I suppose I’m fine with that. I’d have been far more fine with it if the story had even the barest concept of grammar, which it does not (and this after a final line remarks on the importance of proofing).
I don’t have much to say about this one. It’s short, it gets to its point, it’s done. Oh, and it’s got terrible grammar (to be generous). It does have the idea of pint-sized horses going in its favor, but otherwise it’s all a bit meh. I’m willing to forgive that since, obviously, Smexy Sombra never intended this to be anything more than a bit of nonsense.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Time Well Spent — Worth It
Little Lyra and You — Needs Work
Eventide
1,289 Words
By DivinePanzer
Requested by DivinePanzer
Alternative Title: In Which DivinePanzer Seeks Troll Status
Those downvotes are well earned… but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t smile.
This brief bit of trollery (that’s a word, shut up) comes immediately after Celestia banishes Luna to the moon. Infuriated by the Elements doing that instead of, y’know, getting rid of the Nightmare, she breaks her connection with them. This apparently leads to a rip in space and time, bringing a human into Equestria. He promptly moves to comfort Celestia.
Sound dumb and trite? You’re deduction is entirely correct. It’s both those things and more. And when the very first thing I see is all caps at size x16 or so, I’m immediately inclined to dislike the story. But after that the story was going decently enough, even if the whole E=MC2 tangent annoyed me, and the writing wasn’t all that bad.
Then the ending hits, and I am at the same time disgusted and amused. I feel like I’ve been trolled, and yet I can’t bring myself to hate DivinePanzer for it. I’m not one for pranking, and even I have to admit this was a pretty good one. And then I realize that the atrocious all caps monstrosity at the beginning of the story may have been a subtle warning that things were going to go bad, and I am even more amused.
This isn’t normally my cup of tea but, for whatever reason, I liked it. If you feel like experiencing the rug getting pulled out from under you, give this one a try. Clearly, people’s reactions are polarized, and I think that’s perfectly understandable. Some will love it and some will hate it, and as such I’ll put it on the middle ground.
But I’m still amused.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Run from Here
3,331 Words
By HerpDerp
Recommended by Pascoite
When a mathematics teacher from Canterlot gets invited to teach at an elite Hoofington Secondary School, he jumps at the opportunity. But not long after arriving, he starts having nightmares. The staff and students all behave oddly, and he can’t shake the feeling that something is… wrong about the school.
This little piece of Weird fiction is a nice addition to my horror story collection. At no point will you ever learn what the reality of the situation is, but it’s blatantly clear that there’s something monstrous going on. The entire story comes in the journal format, and HerpDerp handles it wonderfully (which is probably why Pascoite recommended it). As the story moves on and the teacher grows steadily more unnerved, we can see the effects it has on him through his writing, which gradually becomes more unfocused and error-ridden.
The Need to Know crowd will likely frown on this for its blatant refusal to answer any questions they may have. This is a story that accepts the idea that the questions are more important than the answers, and does so with great effectiveness. It’s creepy, it’s confusing, and it uses the confusing part to enhance the creepy part. Not a bad show, if you ask me.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Old Hound
5,466 Words
By TheWritingWorkshop
Recommended by paul
This story is basically set on earth right before America enters World War II, except Earth has been ponified and America is Equestria. Seriously, it seems the author wrote an original fiction and inexplicably decided to ponify it. The story ends up being about two ponies, once lovers and now bitter ‘frienemies’, meeting at a cafe when the stallion learns that the mare intends to go to Paris specifically because of the coming war.
A heavily character-focused piece, this was an interesting tale that demonstrates how to reveal so much about characters without ever telling us the details. As the conversation that is the centerpiece of the story unwinds, we gradually come to learn who these two ponies are, what they once had together, and what they think of one another now. The result is both chaotic and emotional, a delightful example of how the “show vs. tell” idiom can work so well. Our two leads are brimming with character and never grow tiring.
I’ve nothing to complain about. This was an interesting piece with interesting characters, and the fact that it’s basically an original fiction ponified doesn’t hurt it much in my eyes (although one has to wonder at the why). If you’re okay with using only OCs and want a good example of ‘show’, this is a great place to start.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Life Is Not Fair
5,302 Words
By Slate Sadpony
Recommended by Pascoite
As the description over-explains, this is a story about Rainbow Dash getting into a particularly bad crash and, while stuck at the hospital, meeting a young colt with leukemia. As the weeks of recovery go by, she steadily grows attached to the colt.
On the one hand, I appreciate what Slate Sadpony is trying to do here. The conclusion, while predictable (and also spoiled in the description), is heartfelt and meaningful. It may even be indicative of a new chapter in Rainbow’s life, one that might be worth exploring in greater detail.
The problem is in the delivery, which struck me as dry and much too focused on dialogue. It can be hard to get a grasp on what a speaker’s emotional state is. Just having a character say “I’m scared” is not enough to make someone like me feel any impact. The scene that suffers the most from this is when the nurse is informing Rainbow of Ivy’s death, which comes out as cold, uncaring, and generally bored. I’m confident that’s not what Slate Sadpony intended, but that’s how it read thanks to zero atmosphere.
That all being said, the author’s Rainbow Dash came out pitch perfect. It helps that the story is told from her perspective so we get to witness her thoughts and feelings firsthand. She still suffers a little from the problems already mentioned, but her character came out loud and clear. That was apparently one of Slate’s major goals for the story, so well done there.
This one has a decent, if unoriginal, idea but doesn’t quite hit all the right notes in its presentation. It’s not bad, but it won’t turn heads, either.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
Together Forever by Snake Staff
Forever and Again and Again by Titanium Dragon
The Mysterious Misadventures of Sassaflash by Desavlos
“Cumin,” Sighed Rainbow Dash by GroaningGreyAgony
The Hanging Hat by Snowybee
Precious Gem by OleGrayMane
Closing Time by MalWinters
A Change of Seasons by Portmeirion
Hearth by Tramper
She's Shimmering by ellie_
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Regarding "Troll Status"...I can't really deny it.
Eventide is what happens when you get annoyed by one too many 'slut princess' stories. You know, where Princess Cadance/Celestia/Luna will raise their tail and fuck the protagonist because they're the "first one to treat me like a mare'. So it was meant as a parody of that.
THEN I got the idea of a Twilight crossover on March 31st and that finally convinced me to stop being lazy and write something. Because really, it's perfect for April Fool's Day. I have never felt like such a bad horrible person while smiling in my life.
On serious notes, though I think I wrote it on GDocs, I never paid attention to the word count, and it wasn't until years later that I realized it almost shouldn't have been approved on word count alone. (It was rejected the first time because I didn't have the Crossover tag, as well...it was only at the end of the story and would likely ruin the punchline.) I guess, you didn't like the E=MC2, but was it too much of an aside, not explained enough, too explained? I half want to recycle that concept, but hopefully integrated it into the story more organically. Couldn't come up with a way to do that with Eventide in an hour.
I think it's passable only because of what I set out to make it(an April Fool's Take That to easily romanced Royalty), but people have added it to their favorites which boggles my mind if I try and think about it, so I don't. Thanks for the somewhat positive review!
Edit: also regarding the all caps, I had to go back and check the story. Was it just because that's the first thing the eye notices when you see the story? Should I have used something else to try and denote rising emotions?
I will take that trollfic, especially with the addition of the author's comments above. :D
I've been there too. In case you're curious, this is the result:
- MLP: FiM
- Adventure
- Random
Thought Prism gets writer's block, so he creates a character and has her write a story for him.And before I forget again, please add this one to your review queue:
- MLP: FiM
- Random
- Slice of Life
Bits and pieces from the unremarkble life of a pony slightly less endowed in the head department.Seattle's Angel's didn't bite, but this one deserves exposure, trust me.
Regarding "Fluttershy's Tail," I have to take some responsibility for that. It was written for a pre-readers' prompt exchange, and I came up for the prompt Alex used. It was a rather confining one, and he managed it, while I ended up not writing my entry because I found the prompt I got too confining.
Yeah.
So I bet Alex wasn't too into this, but I'm happy he managed to get something a little amusing out.
"Run from Here" was a pretty good story. I had a few problems with it. As we've discussed before, we're both sticklers for adherence to plausible journal format, and this one appears to succeed, at least on the surface. It doesn't sound like a regular story with a "dear diary" slapped on the front, which is the most common way to screw these up. That alone puts it ahead of most of the competition.
What didn't work for me is how hyper-focused it is. It almost requires the protagonist to have precognition of what's going to happen to him, because the journal covers that and nothing else. If you're writing a journal, you write about everything that seemed significant that day, not only the things that in retrospect turned out to be important. So it felt rather convenient how on point it was. Once things get really weird, he might more reasonably concentrate on those, but not at the beginning. And then he writes the last entry... while in the process of being pursued through the school?
I am kind of one of those Need to Know people, so I was a tad put off by not knowing what was going on, but I didn't need a full explanation. I'd be happy to leave it vague, but I'd at least like a little hint, just at the general nature of the thing. For all I know, these kids are hiding a meth lab. It seemed odd that this guy was targeted, too. They went and sought him out to teach there, so why him specifically? What did he have that they needed? Maybe they just wanted a victim, and he hastened the process by catching onto their plans early.
This is something that doesn't typically bother me much, but for those who care, this isn't a very pony story. You could swap them out for humans, and you'd have to change very little.
"Life is Not Fair" was a pretty good story, but I agree with pretty much the same points you made. It does feel kind of distant in the way you said. There was kind of an abrupt jump between the last two scenes, at least for me. I was kind of surprised there was no scene at the funeral, but it didn't necessarily need one. Something to smooth out Dash's change of heart, though.
Also, apparently Eventide=Twilight, so, you know, there's that. Thanks whatever-thesaurus site I used 2 years ago!
4955013
The E=MC2 felt like a big distraction going into way too much detail about something wholly unrelated to a story that, with its tiny size, needed all the space it could get.
Regarding the all caps. I've seen people use smaller font sizes and bold with effectiveness, but not once has an oversized all-caps word or line been anything but annoying and distracting except under extreme and notably stylistic situations. If you want to denote rising emotions, show us the character's physical actions. Describe to us how they look. Play with the grammar a little. There are dozens of skills you could use to make us feel like the emotions are getting stronger like suddenly forgetting your commas and rambling for a while to indicate a person is talking really really fast and italics to emphasize that something is happening and if you absolutely must then for God's sake go ahead and use bold with those big fucking emotional moments but whatever you do do not do... Not! Use all caps and size up!
Oh, and avoid multiple punctuation marks. Not that you did that.
All that said, nice job coming up with a prank even I am kinda okay with.
4955036
I'll throw the Happiness one in my recommendations list, but I've already got one of your stories on the waiting list, so I'm afraid 'Try This' will be waiting a while.
4955039
I did think the last entry where he's running from the whatevers was a little too forced, but decided I was okay with it given how good I thought the rest of the story was. Probably should have mentioned it, but meh, too late now. And I certainly agree that the story isn't very 'pony'. Buuut I never let that bother me in the past, so I try not to let it bother me now.