Writes on occasion, plays a bunch of video games, has a backlog of reading taller than he is, still needs to figure out why kids love cinnamon toast crunch, will try to reply to your comments.
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A mathematics teacher from Canterlot Secondary School receives an invitation to teach at the obscure Hoofington Academy. He starts having vivid nightmares involving his coworkers and students. They start coming true.
Entry for the EQD 2013 Halloween Fic Contest thing.
Winner of this fantastic award in the 2013 EQD Halloween Fic Contest thing.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I approve. Stand by for a longer review.
Longer review as promised.
Grammar:
A few smaller mistakes but good overall.
Nice descriptive words.
Pacing:
Nice and slow. Leading us into the story while giving us enough to be intrigued but not enough to spoil it.
Plot:
It intrigues me... It has much mystery... I like it...
Overall score: 8 out of 10
Note: This story needs some exposure, add it to some groups and you'll get some more follows.
Also put the music at the beginning of the chapter if you want people to listen to it while reading your story. Otherwise they will be like me and get to the end and go, "Oops, oh well, I'm not gonna read that again."
3347166
Well thanks!
Point the grammar flaws out and I'll correct em.
As far as the music goes, that's just what I was listening to while I was writing it. Listening to that while reading would kind of spoil the mood. It's not exactly a fitting song for the story.
3348323
Oh, okay for some reason I read "read while listening to"
And I'll get on those few corrections soon.
Don't forget to add this story to some groups!
Wow. This story still has no exposure. I don't get it.
3397030
So was it you who added all those other groups? Thanks for that by the way.
But yeah, as far as actually getting more exposure goes, I'm gonna actually submit this to eqd today sometime. Before it was just in that contest that I didn't win. Oh well.
I think my description is kind of lackluster as well. Gonna rewrite that when I get a chance. Books 'n covers 'n all that after all.
3398193
Yeah, that was me. Guilty as charged.
You description doesn't really have anything wrong with it (from that I can tell).
Example: Two of my stories have ONE SENTENCE descriptions and they have 64:2 and 37:2 likes dislikes ratios.
I think you are just a casualty of chance.
3398227
Hm maybe. Either way, fic submitted. We'll see what EQD says.
And I dunno, I just kind of felt that the description was kind of lackluster. Oh well. "You are your own worst critic" after all.
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO WRITE MORE STORIES
Wow that was something different for sure. I for one love the change of pace, the story was really well written and the way it led to the end was just...mmmph.
Okie dokie, pretty good! I myself can't write horror. I stink at it. Just a few things...
1. I think this story would serve better as a stand-alone original horror in epistle format than a MLP fanfiction. I mean, there's really nothing in here that necessitates its "needing" the MLP universe. I'm just of the opinion that if a story doesn't require residing in a fan universe, don't try to put it there. Take pride in it being an original.
2. I'm a bit confused about the nature of this story. To be honest, I originally thought it would be in the same vein as the "premonition" scary stories. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. To use the archetype that appeared in an episode of "The Twilight Zone" (...don't laugh at the pun), a woman in a hospital has a recurring nightmare where she finds herself drawn to the hospital morgue in a particular numbered room late at night, and always sees a frightening woman telling her: "Room for one more, honey." She's terrified by these dreams, and, finally, when she's cleared from the hospital, she's going to take a vacation and heads to the airport. However...her flight number is the same number as that of the morgue, and when she moves to get on, the stewardess is the frightening woman from the dream and she says: "Room for one more, honey." Terrified, she refuses to get on the plane...and watches as it blows up shortly after takeoff, killing everyone on board. I figured that the dreams were a warning that everyone who he saw in his dreams was going to die of the flu outbreak, including him if he didn't leave.
However, when that turned out to not be the case, I couldn't help but feel that I might have been reading a story from an "unreliable narrator"...in other words one who was progressively going insane. I mean...to me...there seems no other logical reason to stay there when he starts seeing the faculty and staff getting the deranged, inhuman looks. It's like that classic Eddie Murphy comedy bit about the ridiculousness of families in scary movies remaining in haunted houses:
NEW HOMEOWNER: (walking in) Wow, this is a real nice house!
UNSEEN DEMONIC VOICE: GET. OUT.
NEW HOMEOWNER: (turning right around and walking out) Too bad I can't stay!
It also would explain why the faculty and students didn't immediately "spring" on him as opposed to waiting an extended period of time first. As well as what exactly is "malevolent" about the school other than hideously grinning students and faculty.
3. I actually thought it was all in the narrator's head until that last entry...but that one seems to not make a terrible amount of sense. It seems to be "confirmation" that what we just read was indeed real by pointing out another would-be teacher vanished. However, the fact that the letter was found indicates that any authorities searching for the missing pony would know where to look first: Hoofington Academy. The opening entry indicates that not only is Hoofington Academy "known" but is actually recommended by others as opposed to being a "phantom school" that ceases to exist for the rest of the world. Granted, any authorities could have checked it out and found nothing...but the implication is that the school is constantly looking for "new victims" as well as leaving "paper trails", and it would only be so long that teachers would continuously transfer to this school and then vanish before someone would smell something fishy.
Don't know if there's an alternative "final entry" you can make to that, like a classified or something. Perhaps a new first entry in a different person's journal? (Similar to what Stephen King did in "Jerusalem's Lot")
Last but not least, if this is a "one-shot", you should remove the "Chapter 1" designation in the title.
Other than that, once again, good job! Genuinely spine-tingling, and the "misprinted" entries looked legitimate too!
3400032
Heh, I try to be different at least, glad to know you liked it! And I was actually pleasantly surprised myself at how the pacing turned out, but it is still a bit short to me. Oh well.
Thanks for reading and the fav!
(aaaaa why do they have no happy Fluttershy emotes here?!?!? EDIT: Guess I wasn't looking hard enough.)
3400073
1. That occurred to me as I was writing it, and I was going to edit it to make Equestria more central to the plot, but it was for a contest and I had put it off til the day of the deadline, so oh well I guess.
2. I hadn't even thought of that as I was writing. I haven't seen too much Twilight Zone (or at least not that episode) but it sounds like the first Final Destination movie copied that storyline for the beginning of their movie. I mean, that's almost what this story is, I just hadn't thought of that til you pointed it out. And this was definitely a case of "Unreliable Narrator". I like that stuff, seeing the story through the eyes and viewpoints of the person telling it.
3. EDIT: I JUST REREAD YOUR COMMENT AND I COMPLETELY READ IT WRONG THE FIRST TIME HAHAHA
Yeah, now that you mention it, that would seem
a bitreally fishy, but as far as I'm concerned, nobody ever found the letter to the pony who disappears at the end and no one cares. Maybe whatever they do to the ponies erases them from living memory as well? Dunno. Too lazy to really iron that bit out, but a journal entry from the next victim does sound like a better ending. I think I went with the letter for the end of this because I wanted to change the format up a bit from the rest of the story, make you feel like it was still going to happen but leave you in the dark as to how or how quickly. I think I like how the letter bit turned out though, if just because it's not from the victim's perspective like the rest of the story is. /editAs for the "Chapter 1" designation, that's just fimfiction's default chapter title. I didn't put one in and felt that using "Run From Here" as both the Story and Chapter title would be a bit much. I dunno. I guess "Diary of Steady Quill" would be acceptable, since that's what this is. I'll probably change that now. good idea.
And I spent a good deal of time (relative to the time I spent on the rest of the story at least) on the misprinted entries. I even went through a few different versions of the October 22nd one. I was going to try to find some way to change to font to some sort of handwritten script or something so the hoofwriting could get steadily worse as he got crazier, but again, time constraints.
As for the idea with doing a first entry in a second pony's journal, I may do something longer as a continuation of this with more tie-ins to MLP. Now that you've got me thinking about it anyway. Hmm. I honestly hadn't considered touching this again after this was published before now. (EDIT: I now have a page of notes for a sequel. WELL I GUESS THIS IS A THING NOW
)
Anyway, thanks be to you for reading! Makes me feel good that people actually appreciated this
You can has review!