Paul's Thursday Reviews XCVII · 10:19pm Dec 14th, 2017
The hardest thing in the world right now is not poking fun at the total internet apocalypse that didn't happen today.
Anywho, time for a break. No, not from pone stuffs, but from real life stuffs. One good thing about working for the evil Big Business, LLC is paid vacation, and I aim to not do a darned thing productive until January. Never before in my life have I been allowed to go for such an extended time doing nothing and still get paid for it. I think my first priority is finishing my visual novel before I get inevitably dragged to my parents' place for over a week.
Oh, and research for my novel. Mustn't forget that!
Allow me to celebrate my temporary freedom from office warrior drudgery with some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Storm of Secrets by Beware the Carpenter
Little Lyra and You by Smexy Sombra
Riverdream at Sunset: A Manuscript by GroaningGreyAgony
I Don't Deserve Forgiveness by Jonah Smith
Violet Blues by Snowybee
Changeling Blood by Wise Cracker
Total Word Count: 200,021
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 3
None: 0
Storm of Secrets
129,721 Words
By Beware the Carpenter
Curiosity killed the Paul. Curiosity killed the Paul dead.
Storm of Secrets takes place in a dark AU, and the author makes this clear right away by showing a Rainbow Dash who left her friends behind to lead the Wonderbolts and a Rarity who exemplifies every bad trait anyone has ever accused her of. Fortunately, Rainbow at least has the decency to feel guilty about her decisions, not least because the Wonderbolts have turned out to be horrible, horrible individuals. Longing to quit and go back to Ponyville, she bumps into a red stallion named Storm, promptly and for no clear reason falling head over hooves for him.
Things get complicated from there: Shining Armor gaining more magical power than Celestia, him performing a body swap with Storm, a centuries-old war with a bunch of fear-eating monsters unimaginatively named terrormongers, ongoing government shenanigans to keep that war secret, teleportation gems sending an unwitting, ignorant and entirely useless Cadance to the front lines… yeah, the opening deluge of information might confuse you if you’re not paying proper attention. What it all boils down to is this: Cadance and Storm-in-Shining’s-near-death-body are trapped deep in the enemy’s territory, and Shining-in-Storm’s-body, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are going on a mission to save them.
The first and most obvious issue is the opening sequence of events, many of which don’t really have much to do with the primary story save setting the scene and goes on for a bit too long. Heck, I think Rarity’s one and only appearance was added just for the sake of the author demonstrating his view that she’s an elitist bitch. Some of the events were certainly pertinent - Rainbow meeting Storm, for example – but a good deal of it seemed like a lot of effort for minimal gain.
But this doesn’t kill the story in and of itself. In fact, the overall content of the story is great! We’ve got a new AU to explore, significant worldbuilding, truly suspenseful action, and some generally decent character growth. The plot’s a little burdened by Rainbow’s apparent penchant for love-at-first-sight to a stallion she hung out with for maybe two hours without learning anything about him, but it’s only one hiccup in a long-ranging story of interesting material. There’s even some really nice moments where things are going well but you have trouble believing it because you’ve come to not trust any given situation.
But the delivery is shoddy at best. We can start with the horrible grammar, which includes frequent and incorrectly used semicolons, the occasional missing comma or period (or existing where they have no right to be), and inconsistent spacing formatting. That’s just the stuff I recall off the top of my head, I’m sure there’s more.
Lump that with some of the worst stylistic decisions an author can make, including using bold, caps, italics, multiple exclamation marks and different font sizes for emphasis… at the same time. Seriously, Beware the Carpenter throws this stuff around like a child who found his dad’s keyboard and started banging. The easily recognized worst part comes in the chapter War Drum of the Forest, in which the author throws in needlessly long paragraph spacing and more than 1,400(!) combined question and exclamation marks in what is by far the most amateur attempt at conveying shock I have ever seen, and that’s before adding in the poorly chosen show screencaps of Rainbow and Twilight. If I didn’t have my little rule of always finishing what I start, I’d have stopped reading the story then and there.
And for some more frustration, let’s add very important information about ten chapters after it would have been good to know, such as Celestia having left Equestria on an emergency diplomatic mission. Without checking, I can almost guarantee that this was done solely because people in the comments were asking why Celestia wasn't nipping the ongoing problem in the bud like she so easily could. And let’s not even start on the question of where Luna is in all of this – I don’t think the poor mare got so much as a passing mention.
And the final nail in the coffin? Extrapolations. Over and over and over again, the author insists on going on extra long tangents, sometimes whole chapters long, that don’t do anything for the story. Okay, so Derpy was once a war hero. Do we really need to hear her entire life story, from foalhood to crippling, especially considering the mare herself makes no more than an extended cameo? No, no we don’t. An entire chapter wasted.
If Twilight needs to cast a spell on the spur of the moment, we don’t need five paragraphs explaining how the spell works and where she learned it. If Shining Armor mentions something about his and Cadance’s history, we don’t need four paragraphs explaining the intricate details of the moment he’s referencing. Yet Beware the Carpenter keeps giving us this stuff. Again. And again. And again. And gain. And again.
Okay, the presentation is rough. Very rough.
But the plot of the story is still pretty good on the whole. It’s got action, drama, romance, even a bit of mystery. And plenty of suspense to keep it all running along: I don’t know how many times things were finally calming down but I refused to believe it. The terrormongers, despite their meh name, are effectively portrayed as a legitimate and disturbing threat. When the fighting was over, I usually found myself thinking “it’s just another trick” and waited for the shoe to drop. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn’t, and that made the effect all the better.
Despite a lackluster conclusion and poor writing on the whole, I am pleased with the story showcased here. If Beware the Carpenter can take some grammar lessons and get an editor/prereader, we might see some great things from this author. Not a bad first try. Considering the author wrote this in 2012, I’m interested to see if their more recent material shows improvement.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Little Lyra and You
1,349 Words
By Smexy Sombra
I am troubled.
Little Lyra and You is a very simple story. It runs on the exact premise the cover art suggests: you’ve got a tiny, 5-inch tall Lyra living in your home. Is she a pet? A friend? It’s hard to say, especially considering she can’t talk, but at least she’s still intelligent, being able to write and understand everything you say. And, of course, she’s mind-numbingly adorable.
Where you, apparently, are a nobody. You’re not good at your job, you have no friends, and when you get home you spend all your time watching TV and playing video games. What a loser, You.
Personally, I’d rather have a Coco Pommel.
At any rate, there’s nothing to this story. You come home, spend some time doing absolutely nothing of value, and Lyra is cute. The end. Couple that with bad grammar and abuse of keywords like ‘adorable’ and ‘cute’ and so on. As much as the concept makes my inner fanboy squee, the delivery could really use some work. I would suggest making the ‘You’ character interesting, for starters, and expanding the story such that You and Lyra do things that don’t involve a couch.
But if you really want to make something like this good, don't write it in second person in the first place.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Riverdream at Sunset: A Manuscript
7,791 Words
By GroaningGreyAgony
Recommended by horizon
Ah, and now we find something curious. Riverdream purports to be a copy of a manuscript written by one Lord Dunsany, in which he relates how he came upon a world of ponies while drifting down a hidden branch of the Thames River. Taking place some 100 years prior to the events of the show, the story imagines Equestria has having been created by Celestia with the blessings of Apollo. Lord Dunsany proceeds to explore Equestria with the aid of the locals, but gradually comes to realize that the last thing Celestia wants in her realm is a wandering human.
This story was nothing like I expected, and yet does everything right. It is written in a style true to its claimed origins, which I imagine was hard for the writer. It has that slow, ponderous, philosophical and verbose manner that was so common of stories written in the early 1900’s/late 1800’s. It does this remarkably well, yet still manages to evoke the author’s wonder and joy at his new discovery.
The caveat of this is that the casual reader may not like this carefully crafted homage to decades gone by. I don’t suppose I can hold that against them; the style is certainly not for everyone.
The story lead to a lot of questions. For example, if all the places and characters have Greek etymology and names, why do we know of them all in direct English terms? Of course, the answer could be as simple as the medium - the means of our discovery of this world via television - translated the native language to something more easily consumed. It does work remarkably well in explaining why so many of the creatures and places in Equestria have their basis in Greek mythology.
The story is a worldbuilder’s playground, with tangents regarding the origins of the Everfree Forest, references to the Smooze and Flutterponies, and even hints regarding lore and culture for the three races. Heck, we even get a surprisingly believable explanation as to why Zecora lives in the Everfree and everypony feared her at the start. It’s a remarkably informative story.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this one. The intentionally dated style, the ceaseless worldbuilding, even the little comedic elements (“He’s going bald!”), it all works. This is a magical story that I wish I had discovered ages ago. Well done, oh groaning one.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
I Don't Deserve Forgiveness
1,818 Words
By Jonah Smith
Requested by Jonah Smith
Diamond Tiara sits at the CMC clubhouse so she can talk to Apple Bloom about why she’s been forgiven for three years of being a Grade-A bitch. And… that’s it.
I’m sorry to say this story suffers from a number of issues. I’m not sorry to say that it is still an improvement over the other two stories I’ve read by this author. Told from DT’s perspective, it is entirely focused on the conversation between her and Apple Bloom, and mostly involves Apple Bloom explaining how she could have been like Diamond Tiara.
There’s nothing wrong with the general idea of this story. The real problem comes in two parts. First off is the grammar, which is struggling throughout the majority of the story. It didn’t seem so bad at first, but gradually the missing punctuation, random capitalization and so on begin adding up. Once again, Jonah, I strongly advise looking for a proofreader.
Or an editor, which brings me to problem number two: pacing. Events just sort of… happen. One at a time, but quickly and without giving us time to absorb the arguments Apple Bloom is making. I believe this is because Jonah didn’t try to create any sense of the passage of time. Now, to be clear, this isn’t something as simple as saying “he stared for a while” or anything similar. It’s a combination of elements: punctuation, word choice, spacing, etc. It’s a complex dance that can be hard to master.
In this instance, I think the pacing would have been improved by lessening the focus on dialogue. Not by removing or reducing the amount, but through the application of more narrative.
Apple Bloom started speaking again, “How much do you know about my sister?” She asked, her eyes glazed as if she was immersed in some dream.
Ignore the grammar for now and look at what is being told to us. “[...]her eyes glazed as if she was immersed in some dream”. Expand upon this. Give us a better sense of AB’s appearance, her mood, and Diamond’s interpretation of these things. Give us a sense of scene. It doesn’t have to be much, another sentence or two at most. These kinds of things can ease the pacing, give the reader a greater sense of the importance of the moment, and perhaps provide value to what comes next.
Of course, the opposite problem is to go way overboard and describe too much. Like all things, it’s a balancing act, and it takes practice.
Ultimately, my feeling here is that the story moves far too fast to let us grasp Apple Bloom’s explanation or the value in it. I could be critical regarding the argument itself, but in this case I think it is secondary in importance to the presentation of that argument. Learn to set a scene, paint a picture, and give a sense of weight and presence to the characters and their dialogue.
Don’t be dismayed, Jonah. Like I said, I’m seeing improvements. Grab editors, look for more feedback. Development comes with practice and patience.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Violet Blues
5,131 Words
Snowybee failed to provide cover art.
In the immortal words of my dear elder sister: “Ptoo, ptoo! What the heck is this?”
84 views at the time of this review. 84 views. Snu, you’ve got to write more.
Utilizing Snowybee’s flare for the mysterious and indirect, Violet Blues tells the story of a stallion who has been met, seemingly at random, by this crazy mare named Rarity. He’s never met her before, but she knows his name, his intentions, even the contents of his dreams. Who is this dame, and why does she insist on following him around and being all friendly with him?
The primary drive of this story comes from the mystery. Like Fern himself, the reader has no idea what’s going on, and the extremely limited perspective greatly hinders our access to clues. To compensate, the Snu delivers unto us an almost whimsical prose, a cantankerous protagonist, and the uncertainty of a familiar face. In the end, it winds up being a showing of the levels Rarity is willing to go for the sake of generosity. Snu’s writing style is unusual, at times confusing, but altogether fascinating.
Of course, the story is also a curious look at Rarity herself. Not only her as a pony, but also her willingness to sacrifice for others. Rarity is outright hurting herself to keep this stallion company and save him from – himself? his mind? his family? – what ails him. It’s a curious case where the struggle is more defining and important than the outcome.
This is one of those hidden gems. If you didn’t know Snowybee, it would probably pass you up completely. And that’s unfortunate, because this is a stellar example of how good this writer can be.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Changeling Blood
54,211 Words
By Wise Cracker
Sequel to The Trial of Faux Pas
The previous story tells of the changeling War Engineer Faux Pas, who sacrificed his life in a futile fight against Queen Chrysalis in order to allow a small group of changelings to escape the hive and seek sanctuary in Equestria. In Changeling Blood, we meet Faux Pas’ young nephew Bastion, one of the refugees. Due to his high status in the Hive, Bastion is unable to stay with the rest of the changelings in their new village. Instead, he is adopted by Lyra and Bon Bon and goes to live in Ponyville. All the ponies there are super nice to him.
Except one.
This is a story about cultural differences, misunderstandings and how assumptions can lead to big problems. It follows Apple Bloom as she tries to rectify how everypony treats Bastion compared to the treatment he may actually deserve and need. The story carries this misunderstanding to its furthest extremes by intentionally finding ways to keep even the readers in the dark to what is actually happening. While I like the intention, it came with the caveat that no foreshadowing was available, and as such the ending seems to come out of nowhere.
Still, the concept behind this story is pleasantly ambitious, and for that I have nothing but approval. Wise Cracker had a purpose to this story and manipulated everything to make that purpose shine through at the end. The fact that he doesn’t quite pull it off is a minor inconvenience, and one I would argue isn’t entirely the author’s fault.
In fact, I would go so far as to say the ending is the author’s gravest mistake. The fact is, the ending available now isn’t the ending the author originally wrote for the story. The story was meant to showcase Apple Bloom’s and Bastion’s positions equally, without going into all the heavy details of Bastion’s background – which were incidental to the story’s purpose. But then the comments poured in, and lots of people didn’t agree with Wise Cracker’s ‘vision’. They wanted to hate on Apple Bloom (effectively ignoring her personal growth) and focus everything on Bastion and his background.
Wise Cracker’s great mistake was to concede to the will of the ignorant masses. An author should never, under any circumstances whatsoever, make changes because the general public wishes it so. It doesn’t matter what they argue or how they argue it, the story isn’t theirs. The only person in control of the events of a story is the author. If people want something different, they should write their own stories. The ending felt very strange to me, and now I understand why: it’s not the ending that was meant to be. Wise Cracker should have stuck to his guns, and for not doing so I can only shake my head in disappointment.
Having said all that, there are still some issues which need to be addressed. The first, as I said, is the nature of the events shown. The explanation that Apple Bloom finally gives regarding her apparent dislike of Bastion feels… off, for lack of a better word. It didn’t make much sense in the context of everything seen up to that point. I think the reasons are twofold: first, that the ending isn’t the ending we’re supposed to see, and second, because there’s no indicators whatsoever throughout the story to hint at these reasons. There are other possibilities, though: 1) emotions are complicated things and Wise Cracker gets them better than I do, or 2) Wise Cracker just didn’t explain the overarching situation effectively. I couldn’t tell you which of my theories is correct, of course, so I’ll leave that up to individual interpretation.
The second major issue is in the writing style of the story as a whole. It basically comes down to this:
Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Narrative Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Narrative Dialogue Narrative Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue Narrative Dialogue Dialogue…
I think you get the idea.
99% of this story is dialogue. Indeed, it is so dialogue heavy it spends a lot of time as talking heads. There are few attempts to try and impress upon the reader a sense of scene, atmosphere, pacing, or pretty much any of the things necessary to properly manage the emotional aspect of a given scene. It’s just ponies talking, oftentimes without even bothering with saidisms. It turns every conversation into droning, emotionless drudgery. The entire story suffers from this nonstop, turning what could have been some endearing, disturbing or exciting moments into a single endless and uninteresting voice. If Wise Cracker needs to learn anything, it is to utilize narrative properly.
All in all, Changeling Blood is a story with an ambitious and heartfelt concept marred by dialogue-intensive writing and an ending dictated by whiners. With some polish and a return to the author’s true vision, it could be far more than what it is. But it was still a worthwhile read for the idea and intention, and I hope to see Wise Cracker improve, both regarding the writing faults and the ability to stand up for their ideas.
Bookshelf: Worth It
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So you don't think anything bad just happened today?
4749054
It's not good, but it will take a while before people start taking things up the butt from the cable companies. Maybe it will be reversed come 2019, or through the courts. It will definitely be gone come 2021, unless the Democrats nominate Hillary again.
4749058
I'm just making sure that I understand that what Paul is saying, here, in this post, is that whatever happened today is something to laugh at. Nevermind that lots of people are upset about it, that many are working their asses off to try and make sure it doesn't get any worse, we're just going to sit back and laugh about it because We Don't Care. Is that right?
4749067
I think Paul is poking fun at overreaction to the situation, though I agree I haven't seen much overreaction. If anything, most people aren't aware and motivated enough to take action on an important issue. The gouging of customers is much less of a concern than the ability of cable companies to select which services you can and can't use, because they'll naturally favor services for business reasons. If that Comcast/Time-Warner merger had gone through, you'd better believe CNN would be streaming to your computer faster than Fox News. That's a tremendous problem when most people have absolutely no choice in cable providers for high-speed internet.
Whoever controls speed controls access, and nopony should be controlling user access to the internet. Period.
4749067
Not because "we don't care", but because of all the vastly overblown expectations. The internet, the economy, and the world are not over because of this.
I probably shouldn't have said anything at all though, because I know a lot of people are needlessly panicking over the things this won't do. Nothing I'll ever say will convince them of anything; the scare tactics are just too effective.
4749080
Well, at that point it becomes a question of who we trust more, the businesses or the government. In my opinion, both are equally dangerous. At least when the businesses are at it they have the potential for competition.
And let's not forget the Federal Trade Commission, which is supposed to exist as a policing agent against wanton malevolent business practice in the first place.
4749089
There's nothing needless about it. It's happened. We couldn't prevent the vote. So now it's a question of getting enough action together to counteract what's been set in motion. Sure, we could do nothing and maybe other people will take care of it for us, completely outside the influence of the populace. But do you really want to bank on that? I mean, if you care so little about the internet, why even bother using it?
It's just flabbergasting to me. Laughing about this doesn't make you smart, or better than anyone else, or less likely to be affected by the machinations of an uncaring bureaucracy. It makes you an asshole. And you've never struck me as the kind of person who qualifies as an asshole, so I'm feeling just a little angry and hurt right now, thanks.
4749104 Yeah, I'm baffled at why people have lost their nut over this. Seriously, we're going back to Title I instead of Title II, which is the same way the internet in the US was regulated since 9600 baud hardwired connections between universities in the 80s up until 2015. (If you still have an email address with more than three '!' signs in it, you may be an Internet Fossil. Guilty.) Every panicked pronouncement of hyper-charging doom has already been treated by the FTC using Title I pre-NN, so the only thing we're going to be missing is the massive regulatory fees the ISPs were going to have to pass onto us for being regulated like the Bells.
4749104
That makes no sense. Net neutrality has absolutely nothing to do with 'trusting the government'. The ruling is transparent and publicly available.
It's between trusting cable companies (not businesses, only cable companies) with unchecked ability they shouldn't have vs. not trusting them. Literally the only supporters of killing net neutrality are cable companies. Every other company that does business on the internet is opposed to the changes, as are all consumer advocacy groups and all freedom of speech groups. It really is a no-brainer, unless you take your cues directly from the talking points of cable lobbyists.
4749127
Ugh. I've written and rewritten this three times now trying to find a non-insulting way to answer. This is why I generally prefer to keep my opinions to myself: they make people explode with self-righteous fury. I've stood back for years and let people laugh at my opinion and deep-founded fears because I didn't want to become the target of a feeding frenzy. And of course, the one time I so much as hint that I might react to the oppositions' fears in the same way, suddenly I'm the villain. And of course, the immediate refrain if I complain is "Well, your fears are silly, ours are legitimate." Does it matter at all that I might feel the same way they do? Apparently not.
To be clear, I'm not accusing you specifically of laughing at my views and fears. But I have sat back quietly for too long letting people mock and ridicule my unspoken opinion to even consider apologizing when I finally decide to tap my big toe into the same ring for a change.
I do not intend to continue arguing about this. I really shouldn't have said anything. Voicing my political opinion anywhere on this site does nothing but earn me hatred, deserved or not. I should be keeping those opinions away from my pone time anyway. But for the record, I try to be nice. I try not to be insulting. One of the reasons I read and re-read my comments and PMs three times minimum is because I live in dread of inconveniencing other people or being insulting. Clearly, in that goal I failed this time, and for that I apologize.
I'll go back to my docility now. I only hope we can move on from this like rational adults and get back to the pone stuff this site is supposed to be about.
Apparently this comment section is about the net neutrality vote and not the reviews (which are informative as usual). Ok.
These days, it's really hard for anything to result in meaningful change in this country. We literally elected a reality TV show host with no prior experience in governance to the highest office in the land and the nation hasn't collapsed yet. Yes, it's bad news, but will our lives actually be affected? Probably not.
You gave me a good laugh with some reviews, and made me deeply interested in some stories with others. Nice edition to Review Thursday
subtly shies from random conflict on opinion of recent events, whereas opinion isn't even offensive in the least
Rest assured, I've since learned my lesson on reader input. If memory serves (because it has been a while, after all) the ending and epilogue to Changeling Blood that are in place now are the third version, not the second whiner-based one.
One of the issues is with my default writing style, I think, which does lead to a lot of talking heads. If you want to blame that on anything: my main inspiration to even start writing was the Star Wars novels, specifically the Jedi Academy trilogy and I, Jedi. People don't tend to look fondly on those. If I don't plan out specifically to have action scenes in it right at the concept level, things turn into a dialogue-fest. Not sure if that's a taste thing or a quality thing. It comes natural, is what I'm saying. So I try to plan ahead and avoid it where needed. Sometimes a story is an exercise, though, and I'm not 100% sure if Changeling Blood was intended as dialogue practice with the one fight scene as the climax, or if that was trying to repeat the style of Faux Pas, which was also dialogue-heavy with one fight at the end. Probably should've written that down. Its prequel was just contest fodder, as you know.
Changeling Blood was definitely a learning experience, though. Oh, and one more thing: Apple Bloom's response was going to get some more closure in a sequel. Everyone treats her like she's an orphan, like her parents are dead, but they're not. They're in a coma, and she still thinks of them as being alive. In that sequel, Bastion finds her near her parents and she explains "I told you: they're not around. They're right here." So to her, misplaced sympathy feels like someone telling her her parents are dead.
Blame lack of time and motivation for that, along with evolution of style and the show running ahead. Thanks for the review, nice to know it was conceptually sound, at least.
4749281
Well, that's my own fault (er, the comment section, not the reality TV host). I should have known someone was going to blow up because of my offhand remark. Oops.
4749332
Why, thank you! Always happy to introduce people to new material.
4749464
While I think the constant dialogue is poor quality, I must also acknowledge that is probably just my opinion. I just don't see the readers grasping any kind of emotion when all they can see is two heads floating in the ether talking at one another.
Still, the overall concept was great, so I'm looking forward to seeing more at a later time.
4749216
I just hope you understand that, like, mocking people, they've got a right to get angry at you. That's pretty reasonable.
I should go read the damn reviews now.