Paul's Monday Reviews XIII · 10:03pm May 18th, 2015
Yay, lucky number 13! No, really, I'm one of those silly people who actually grins when he knows he's approaching, say, Friday the 13th. I'm not exactly supersitious, but it does amuse me.
Howdy folks. Ready for some horse words reviewing more horse words? We got some good stories coming this week, and one in particular is shamefully underrated. No, seriously, this is a story that needs more attention. I put it in my favorites for a reason, people.
Stories for This Week:
The Pale Stallion by Yellow Sub Zero
Hidden Voices by Harmony Charmer
A Heart Encased in Stone by The Fan Without a Face
Amnesia: To Err by JLB
Unicorn Horns are Made of Candy by ocalhoun
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 0
Not Bad: 1
None: 0
The Pale Stallion gave me a bad first impression. One of the very first things you encounter is a 59-word sentence. I immediately worried that this would be a story were every sentence stretched on into a confusing eternity.
Luckily, Yellow Sub Zero didn’t make the same mistake too often.
This is the story of a pale stallion who meets Sweetie Belle at a lonesome train station. After she gives him her scarf – just because he looks cold – the stallion proceeds to tell her a story about a stallion who fought in the war between Celestia and Luna a thousand years ago. When the stallion’s love and fellow hero is killed on the battlefield, he confronts death directly and duels the spirit for the chance of bringing his beloved back.
This tale was excellently crafted, displaying both a strong sense of worldbuilding and a flare for the dramatic. Although the whole ‘try to cheat death’ idea is old hat, it was interesting to see it applied to the world of Equestria. About the only thing I didn’t like was that the conflict with Death wasn’t as clear as it could have been; at one point I had no idea what I’d just ‘seen.’
Other than that, an excellent story that was well worth my time.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
This would be my third read of a story by Harmony Charmer, but only the second to be reviewed. Hidden Voices is a sequel for the story First Date, which appealed to me with its general cuteness and the fact that Button reminds me of myself when I was little. This still still holds true, although this story is less cute than its predecessor.
Hidden Voices has Diamond Tiara challenge Sweetie Belle to see who wins the upcoming talent show in Ponyville – that’s right, the same one as in The Show Stoppers, only a later year. The prize? Button Mash, whom Sweetie has been dating since the last story. The only problem is that Sweetie has horrible stage fright and is terrified of going onstage by herself.
For the most part, this was a pleasant little story. The characters were spot on, the humor was tasteful and effective, and in many ways this would have made a great episode. There were a few issues, odd and repetitive word choice being the most frequent; Hidden Voices could use an editor, if only to catch some of the simpler, more common mistakes that littered the story. It was just enough to distract my attention.
The only big thing that got to me, though, is Diamond Tiara. Don’t get me wrong, she was perfectly in-character. What we don’t get is her motive, which is nonexistent. We know she likes Button to the point of jealousy, but we have no idea why. Is she after him simply because Sweetie’s got him? Is there something specific about Button that appeals to her? We have no idea. It would be nice if we could get an idea of exactly what it is that makes Diamond want Button to herself. It could be that this was brought up in First Date, but if that’s true then I just can’t recall it.
Still, that’s just a small bit of trouble in a generally good story. It won’t ‘wow’ you, but it was still a pleasant little read.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
A Heart Encased in Stone
By The Fan Without a Face
Requested
A Heart Encased in Stone is one of those stories that tries to handle itself a little differently. It begins with Sunset Shimmer accused of being ‘Anon-A-Miss’ and her fleeing into Canterlot High’s art room. There she meets Coalstone, a young man with a very hard view of life who has concluded that all friendship is meaningless. Coalstone proceeds to explain his cold worldview and encourages Sunset to abandon friendships, only for her to reject his premise and promise – to herself, at least – to turn him around.
My appreciation and comprehension of this story is greatly hindered by my complete lack of knowledge regarding this ‘Anon-A-Miss’ situation. Apparently it happened in the comics, which I make a point of neither reading nor accepting as canon. As a result of my ignorance, I found Sunset being abandoned by her friends way too sudden and pointless. Still, that’s not the fault of the author at all, it’s just me limiting my source of information.
The Fan Without a Face did a few things right, most notable being that he avoided monologuing. Now, that sounds really simple, but it’s actually not, because Coalstone does monologue, and at length. What makes it work in this story is that the author took the time to apply narrative at appropriate positions to ensure the monologue remained interesting. For getting right what most authors tend to get horribly, horribly wrong, I am pleased.
Add to that a generally good characterization of Sunset Shimmer, a mostly satisfying (if uneventful) conclusion and promises of future stories and I’d say the author did a decent job.
Well, I would, if not for a few issues. The Fan Without a Face needs to work on some things, particularly grammar and sentence structure. There were a few incomplete sentences:
I thought that after everything we’d been through, after all the progress I made.
This didn’t happen often, but when it did it really jarred me.
Worse and far more common were the lengthy and complicated sentences:
A rather deep and somewhat dry sounding voice, almost sounding like the individual had rocks in his throat, managed to break Sunset out of her mind enough to look up, some tears still leaking from her eyes.
A long sentence is fine every now and then, but in cases like this it’s a confusing information overload. Sentences structured like this were all over the place, and the effort required to keep track of everything being said often made short work of any emotional attachments that the sentences were meant to conjure.
In the end, A Heart Encased in Stone isn’t the most interesting story, but it could have been a decent one if not for the awkward writing style.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Holy shit, people. I have read many stories that aim to recreate or emulate madness, but never have I seen it done so well. This story is a crossover of the Amnesia horror game series, specifically the second one, Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs (sadly, I haven’t played that one, instead having played only The Dark Descent). Remember how I mentioned how not to do crossovers last week?
This week we shall see how one should do crossovers.
Amnesia: To Err tells of a unicorn who wakes up in pure madness and without any memory of who, what, where or why he is. As he begins trying to make sense of his senseless world, he comes under attack by eldritch monstrosities that literally drive him to madness by their very presence; when they create sounds his ears bleed, when he looks at them his mind fragments. The world itself is a confusing mishmash of nothingness and everything all rolled into one and constantly changing, all while voices sound off in his head and memories come back fleetingly to reveal that something – or perhaps somepony – has done something horrible.
And all along he reminds himself that nothing is wrong.
JLB has shown that he understands the concept of insanity. The one great problem with this is that he drops the reader directly into that insanity from the perspective of a character who himself is clueless and perhaps just a little crazy himself. The result is that the story begins with alarming suddenness, plunging the reader into a confusing mess of unreality with no time to stop and pick up the pieces. As a direct result, the first two or three chapters feel like a muddled mess of confusion and randomness that will scare off those less determined to understand what’s going on.
On the one hand, this is really bad for JLB, because it means losing a lot of potential readers. At the same time, there’s no way he could have started the story any other way; as one pushes on and our lead character gradually comes to figure out his surroundings (or not), one realizes that the beginning makes sense in its senselessness. Those with the drive to read on and learn the truth will be richly rewarded.
Amnesia: To Err takes a number of elements from the game its is inspired by, both in terms of plot and certain gameplay elements. Yet the similarities are threadbare: enough there to be recognizable, but enough avoided to make this story belong entirely to JLB. The end result is something familiar but fresh and wholeheartedly, undeniably interesting.
Here and there a few technical issues reared their ugly heads, but the only significant one is that sometimes JLB can be a bit more wordy than is necessary. He likes to go on these long extrapolations, just to remind you of how very wrong everything is (even though “nothing is wrong”), and at times they become too long winded to be worth it. There were more than a few times where I found myself losing track of the main character’s rambling narrative and slipping down to the next paragraph. Lengthy descriptions like these might perform well for setting mood and intention, but JLB uses them a bit too much.
There was one other thing, and JLB informed me that it was this and only this that kept Amnesia: To Err from getting into EqD: all dialogue is written with dashes. Like this:
- Whoever did that, - Fixer coughed, spraying blood and saliva over himself - should get a freaking medal.
Frankly, I don’t blame them for making the decision. It was a terrible choice and, although JLB has attempted to, I’m afraid there simply is no way to justify it. Even so, I don’t blame him for not going back to fix it; aside from this being a long story, trying to identify where characters are talking would be a horrid chore due to the very flaw that makes this decision a terrible one.
That being said, after putting up with it for a while I stopped minding. Not because it became easier to read – it didn’t – but because in a universe where madness is the norm, something crazy and senseless like that in the text seems oddly fitting. It’s like a constant, eye-catching reminder that even though “nothing is wrong,” something is definitely, unsalvageably wrong.
If ever there comes a point when you want to write creepypasta or – specifically – to project a world gone wrong, read this. Amnesia: To Err is a study in madness, a fantastic tale, and filled to the brim with unnerving, anxiety-inducing visuals. If you can get past the first few chapters and start to understand the world JLB has conceived, then you may just be rewarded.
But you best be prepared to throw away your sense of logic for a little while. Don’t worry, it’ll come back… though you might shiver at the realization of what you’ve learned. Just remember:
Nothing is wrong.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
I have no regrets.
After coming from the madness that is Amnesia: To Err, I pleasantly wallowed in the silliness of Unicorn Horns Are Made Of Candy. This is a madness that most people can get behind – a Pinkie Pie madness.
This silly and decidedly pointless story has Pinkie accidentally get a taste of Twilight’s horn due to one of Rainbow Crash’s signature crashes. Pinkie is surprised and overjoyed to find that Twilight’s horn tastes like grape candy and, concluding that all unicorn horns must taste like candy, promptly goes on a mission to sample the taste of every unicorn in Ponyville… leaving a lot of very angry and violated unicorns in her wake.
This was fun, amusing and, might I add, perfectly Pinkie. The great thing about this story is not that it’s silly, but in that it’s something that Pinkie would almost certainly do if an episode were made around the concept. There is nothing I don’t like about this, save perhaps that Luna responds to the “Pink One” by fleeing rather than using her undoubtedly considerable might to put Pinkie in her place (as Celestia did).
But who cares? Certainly not me.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week
In the Place the Wild Horses Sleep by Lucky Dreams
The Box by lunabrony
Queen of Queens by JawJoe
Elegy of Emptiness by Bad_Seed_72
A Cause Worth Dying For by Signas
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Monday Reviews III
Paul's Monday Reviews IV
Paul's Monday Reviews V
Paul's Monday Reviews VI
Paul's Monday Reviews VII
Paul's Monday Reviews VIII
Paul's Monday Reviews IX
Paul's Monday Reviews X
Paul's Monday Reviews XI
Paul's Monday Reviews XII
Well I'm pretty happy to hear about Amnesia. I wanted to read it but I was on the fence owing to its low rating and view count.
3079193
I noticed the story when it first came out and lamented the fact that it was incomplete at the time, as I am a fan of the original game. JLB assured me that it would be finished soon (at the time), so I chose to take a risk and forgo putting it in my Incomplete bookshelf in hopes of getting to the story faster. I'm glad I did. The fact that the story doesn't have more views is a veritable crime.
Oooh! Next week you become a real reviewer by passing the milestone of covering In the Place the Wild Horses Sleep.
3079464
That makes me a real reviewer? Meh, if you say so.
3079495
Nah, it's just the most reviewed story ever.
Well, ponyfic story anyway.
Well, I wasn't expecting a review this favorable. Pretty surprised, even though I still think that the dashes thing is giving you a bit too much ire, more than is reasonable. One thing you've got right is that I know insanity well.
I've a question, though. You mentioned you had worries about a possible plot progression halfway through the story, but then that never happened. What was it?
3087407
When I kept seeing the 'Orb' mentioned, I thought it was going to end up being a reference to the Moon, and thus I figured the villain responsible for all of this would be Nightmare Moon. Or, to be more accurate, the darkness that possessed Luna and made her into Nightmare Moon. The big giveaway to me was that the main character thought it weird that the Mare in the Moon was no longer present on the Moon's surface, which told me that this was an AU where NMM won via possession of him and the world was going to shit as a direct result. This also directly conflicted with the later revelations that Twilight had already moved to Ponyville, so he should have been well aware that there was no longer a Mare in the Moon. This discrepancy can largely be blamed on his amnesia, but because it was there I ended up expecting the wrong thing.
Bear in mind that I had no idea you were taking the 'Orb' from the game, as I'd not played the second Amnesia to know that the Orb existed in it. I only found out it was from the game after reading the story; I avoided doing any research for fear of spoiling myself.
3087461 Curious. My assumption was that you thought this'd have been Discord, based on the grey text. Now that I think of it... yes, it would have been a very lame twist. And I'm glad to see that you put honest research and effort into reading my story. It's the little things that make you feel appreciated.
For the record, the mention of the Mare in the Moon was to state that Fixer's story began before Season One, and when this all went on, it was just past the opening two-parter. He completely missed the whole commotion around NMM coming back.