Tea Party With a Draconequus

EA Chaotic Reunion
MLP: FiM
Slice of Life
Fluttershy arranges for Discord and Scorpan to reunite, at their very own tea party.
Fluttershy
Discord
Other
Arcelia · 3.3k words · 14 0 · 593 views

Source

Fluttershy and Rarity's weekly tea party is disrupted when an unexpected guest arrives in the form of an old, newly reformed friend.

Many thanks to Cerulean Voice for editing!

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Mr Minty Lightning

Mr Minty Lightning #1 · Oct 21st, 2014 · · ·

I loved this! :D

Arcelia

Arcelia #2 · Oct 21st, 2014 · 1 · ·

5166746

Thank you.

Arcelia

Arcelia #3 · Oct 21st, 2014 · · ·

5167714
Thank you so much for your feedback, I'm really glad that I wrote Discord's character okay. I was really nervous because this is my first time writing about him and I wasn't sure how I would do. But as long as one person likes it, I'm happy.

Carapace

Carapace #4 · Oct 21st, 2014 · · ·

Hi there! My friend, Cerulean Voice, recommended this to me earlier today, and mentioned that you were hoping for some feedback. Unfortunately, I'm on my phone so I'll have to keep it brief. Overall, I greatly enjoyed the story itself. You really captured the characters well, especially Discord. The only thing I might suggest is that you work just a bit on pacing out the story so the reader can be fully immersed. Just my opinion though. Also, on the subject of immersing the reader, it might make sense for Fluttershy to interject sooner to try and stop Discord, but have her pleas go unheeded.

As said, this is a good story! I look forward to seeing more from you!

Amm

Amm #5 · Oct 21st, 2014 · · ·

Enjoyable story, badly paced. My impression as a reader is that Discord came out of the blue to slam into Rarity and hurt her with all the intent of pre-reform Discord. And then he feels bad for some reason. We also have no perspective into his mind as to why he's being an asshole in the first place. The character had Discord's voice but that was about all he had.

Rarity seemed fairly in character up until she forgave Discrod too quickly and then got over what he said fast enough to be joyful at the dancing tea party for inadequately explained reasons. If those parts had been expanded to have Rarity more hesitant and sliding into getting over it then it would feel more natural.

Fluttershy was out of character for the simple fact that she didn't really exist in the story. Unnecessary except to frame the reason for the tea party. Other than that, she got annoyed at Rarity too early and stepped in to try and stop the person viciously attacking her friend to late.

So, in summary, you got Discord's voice and Rarity's character for the most part, but need to slow down the pacing and describe what the characters are feeling more.

And, of course, remember to take my criticism with a grain of salt. Besides the fact that I am simply an individual; I've been reading the closest to epic fantasy I've come across on this site, so my perspective may be skewed.

Arcelia

Arcelia #6 · Oct 21st, 2014 · · ·

5168588
5169054
Thank you very much for your feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed my story, but I'm sorry you found some major errors in my work. I'll take into consideration what you have said and I hope you look forward to my future works.

Carapace

Carapace #7 · Oct 22nd, 2014 · · ·

5170195 Don't misunderstand. For a first work, this is not bad at all. There's some stuff to improve on, but no one is excluded from that. I have a couple friends who tear my stuff apart to help me improve. Just try to take it as stuff to keep in mind next time around. Your writing isn't actually that bad at all. I was genuine when I said I look forward to what you do next because I want to see you grow as a writer here. So, keep it up.

taterforlife

taterforlife #8 · Oct 22nd, 2014 · 1 · ·

For a first story, especially with Discord, I think you did very well! I read your other reviews, and when it comes to how you can improve, I agree with the pacing and getting into the characters' mind. Why did Discord pop into the party? His intention seemed exactly to be how it read: to annoy Rarity and make her cry. So the fact that he felt bad, well, it made me a little confused. I also think Fluttershy could have had more of a part in the story, and I couldn't imagine her getting angry at Rarity for being distracted and missing her question. But I think you have the characterization of Discord and Rarity down pretty well, for the most part. I think you have a lot of potential, and while there are improvements that could be made (as that's how it is for all pieces of writing--and your chapter has fewer grammatical errors than mine usually do, it looked beautiful), I would love to see more from you. Especially if it has Discord and Fluttershy in the equation! Upvote for you, definitely!

Arcelia

Arcelia #9 · Oct 22nd, 2014 · · ·

5171281
Thank you for your feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed my story and I will take what you've just told me into consideration as I continue to grow in my skills.