Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXX · 10:36pm Jul 13th, 2017
That Feature Box run brought to you by the awesome Georg, who went and did me a solid with an unsolicited feature of Friendship = Evil. You cool, bro. Have a long overdue follow.
Additional thanks to Super Trampoline, who was kind enough to give the story a cursory pre-read. You get one, too!
I tried something different this time, and I'm honestly starting to think it was a bad idea. I wanted to not respond to comments and just hit everything in a single blog. Of course, having not been in that kind of spotlight in a while, I went and underestimated how many comments I'd be getting. Especially considering the story was featured on the site for nine days. As with Tyrant, I don't know whether to be proud of the success or disappointed that none of my other, more time-consuming stories managed it.
I can't possible get to everyone, so let me just hit on a few of the comments that best caught my eye:
Ice Star said:
Cute! I liked how you captured the speech errors of Twilight.
This is something that worried me, actually. How do you paint a filly who is clearly well-read and highly literate for her age, and yet still have her able to mispronounce/misinterpret words? I'm still not satisfied with how I handled it, but nobody else pointed it out, so I guess I did okay.
LucarioFan2066 said:
Book of the Sun and Moon
So...an astronomy book? Biographies about Celestia and Luna?
Doubt it's the second one; Celestia's done her best to turn Nightmare into a mere legend, and Luna with her.
Actually, my thought process here relates to the quote "money is the root of all evil", which comes from 1 Timothy 6:10 of the King James version of the Bible (at least s far as I am aware). So I was thinking, what might be a quasi-equivalent book in Equestrian culture? Perhaps a some historical book relating to Celestia and Luna! Calling it the 'Book of the Sun and the Moon' helps hide the fact Luna exists (since nopony seemed to know about her in episode 1). All of this comes with the acknowledgement that the show has never suggested any sort of religion in Equestria.
Mantech1 said:
Maybe it's just me but I half expected a scene at the end with Celestia ushering Twilight out of the library with one of her wings, incidentally blocking her students view of Shining Armor and Cadence decked out in armor and ready to lay siege to the Book Palace.
I'm... kinda disappointed I didn't think of something like that. But alas, I don't think it would have fit with the story as told.
Cross Lament said:
I think I found Celestia's response in the end of the story to be somewhat...off-putting. Presented with her young student who's done a fairly interesting (if hilariously incorrect) bit of reasoning, and who is quite proud of this, she fails to refute Twilight's argument and instead projects a tone of "I reject this and I'm possibly mad at you for thinking of it."
I had a similar thought cross my mind before I published the story, but at that point the main event was done and I was determined not to blow more than a day writing on it. I decided it was worth the hit to let me get back to work on my major projects.
For those of you calling for a sequel:
Not likely. I won't say impossible, but really, I came up with this one on a whim and with little to no intention of expanding it. I can see multiple potential scenarios for a sequel, but if it doesn't hit me as worth my time – and it probably won't – then it's not going to happen.
For all those math gurus out there:
I had a lot of fun watching you guys throw equations at one another. A shame that I've been so long out of my engineering college courses that I couldn't make sense of half of them. Still entertaining, though.
To you who deleted your commentary:
Please don't do that. If you don't like what you said for whatever reason, change it to something else, but don't delete. Nobody can see who did the deleting, and I guarantee everyone will think the author did it because he/she can't take criticism and is a whiny baby about being told their story sucks. That might not have been what the comment was about, but everyone will assume it was. So please, everyone, don't delete your comments!
Alright, I've yakked enough for now. Thanks to all of you who loved my story, but it's about time I got to doing what these blogs are meant for. And on that note...
Stories for This Week:
Austraeoh by Imploding Colon
Method Acting by Pascoite
Twilight Sparkle, Unicorn Economist by mylittleeconomy
Pie Family Weirdness: The Secret Origin by Thought Prism
Princess Celestia: A Brief History by Novel-Idea
Total Word Count: 404,445
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Austraeoh
212,744 Words
By Imploding Colon
Author may or may not be an alt for a particularly industrious character named after miniature dresses and fiery events. Just sayin’.
I first became aware of this excessively long series back when Ynanhltuutr was making its rounds. Once you realize just how far along in the series that story is, you come to appreciate exactly how prolific this author is. Anyway, Austraeoh takes a diverging path from canon with a different ending to The Return of Harmony. For reasons directly linked to this, Rainbow Dash has decided to journey east. Never in any other direction, and never stopping for long; some deep, primal urge keeps her going beyond the edges of lands even Celestia and Luna have long forgotten. As she makes frequent stops to briefly impact the lives of those she encounters, we steadily come to understand where she’s going and why… if not, exactly, what she intends to accomplish.
This story regularly alternates between two forms. The first is the isolation of travelling alone, during which time we go through little to no dialogue and lots of description of the world around Rainbow. These segments are far from boring, especially considering that these descriptions also involve the necessary actions Rainbow must take on to survive in the wilds far from civilization. Be it massive mountains, endless deserts or quarray eel-infested caves, Rainbow has plenty of exciting moments to tend to even when she’s all alone. Supplementing these dangerous adventures are periods of introspection, regret and a never ending effort to maintain her spirits.
Then there’s the other half of the story, taken up when Rainbow comes across the occasional patch of civilization. These periods are rife with worldbuilding, cultural exploration and new adventures. Small mining communities battling horrid demon swarms, city-wide industrial complexes, ancient, long-lost civilizations and more are graced by Her Awesomeness’ presence, and each has something to add to Rainbow’s journey. Truly, this is one epic story.
Yet it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. While much of the story is fairly tame, there are a number of instances that demonstrate to us that this world can be brutal should the author wish it. Mountains of bleached foal skulls, established characters violently ripped away by fangs and claws, there are definite times where the shit hits the fan, and Rainbow isn’t always able to save the day. But win or lose, she must keep going east… and so the story moves on.
This has all been a fascinating read, but it’s not without its issues. For one, the sheer scale of this story is staggering. To date, there are eight in the series, each clocking in at least 300k+ words (and one nearly hitting a million!), with number nine having barely even started. Compounding this problem is the fact that the ending of Austraeoh makes it abundantly clear that this isn’t an end at all, just a stopping point. The easily intimidated need not apply.
I also found a few faults with the writing. While a typos and slipups are to be expected, what is particularly bad in this story is an excessive use of bad onomatopoeia, or the writing out of sounds. A simple ‘fwoosh’ or ‘thud’ is fine in moderation and with appropriate timing, but imagine entire scenes cluttered without enough hnnkkkt’s, graaaaughk’s, aaaaaaugh’s, and haaaauckkt’s to choke a dragon (I got all those from the last chapter alone). Couple that with a range of other poor/amateur narrative choices and you have a lot of lackluster writing. Most of the story is fine, but those action sequences? Oy vey.
But I’m okay with this, because ignoring those issues Austraeoh has a lot to offer. With rock-solid Season 2 Rainbow Dash characterization, a constantly expanding world, strong visuals, plenty of drama, a little mystery, and a steady stream of amazing sorry wrong A-wordawesome adventures, this story never lets up. I enjoyed it from beginning to… er… temporary stopping point. I have every intention of continuing this little journey, even knowing that, like Rainbow herself, I may never see the end.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
(Fun fact: GDocs says aaaaaaugh’s is a word. But not aaaaaaugh, apparently.)
Method Acting
2,654 Words
By Pascoite
I went in expecting one thing and came away with something else entirely.
This story introduces us to a seemingly random phoenix who decides, arbitrarily, that the forest near a rock farm would be a great place to build a nest. Why a rock farm? Because this phoenix likes ponies.
It has no idea why.
This was an interesting little story with a subtle mystery that grows steadily. At first it seems like just the daily, casual thoughts of a phoenix, but over time it becomes something more. I find it interesting that the author elected to start the story off as one thing and then shifts gears so completely, so that the beginning and the end feel like they belong in entirely different stories.
This is not a bad thing at all, just a curiosity. If anything, I’m impressed that Pascoite managed to make it work.
I’d suggest reading this story, even if only for the mystery of it. It was definitely worth my time with its completely unexpected twist.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Twilight Sparkle, Unicorn Economist
156,512 Words (Incomplete)
By mylittleeconomy
Recommended by Super Trampoline
This tale is a lot of things all crammed into one piece. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s one third show-like silliness, one third lecture on complex economic principles, and one third serious story. The exact ratio varies depending upon where you are in it, but it has an evolution not unlike the show itself.
In this AU, Celestia’s real claim to fame isn’t raising the sun (although she still does that), it’s to manage the global economy. Twilight is her greatest economics student in three centuries, Fluttershy is a supporter of political correctness and (potentially extreme) animal rights revolution, and Rainbow Dash is a stock market shark – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of changes. What comes out of this new world is a story that I don’t think is ever meant to end, and which changes scope, form and seriousness with each new story arc.
The very first thing to note about this story: it is dense. In content, in meaning, in sheer wordcount. For an example of the latter, take this little sampling from the first chapter:
Visitors to Canterlot, Equestria's capital and home to the Bank (for it is always called the Bank, seeing as there is only One), always ask the same three questions, the first being, “Does the Bank give out free samples, har har?” Once the tour guide is finished contemplating a pair of lungs full of water, two further questions are asked: “What made Princess Celestia stronger than her sister, Princess Luna, imprisoned in the moon for a thousand years?” and “Why does Princess Celestia not crown herself Queen and rule from a grand throne of jewels with a scepter of Power and Fun, spreading her majesty over the land like a rainbow, lightning bolts crackling in encouraging messages across the sky with her every word, the very ground trembling beneath her feet in a relaxing sort of massage with each mighty step she takes?”
The answers the tour guides usually give are, respectively, “Bigger horn,” and “Thinks ‘Princess’ sounds prettier than ‘Queen.’” Most tourists leave satisfied, fatter and poorer than they were a week ago.
And from that alone, you have an idea of the collective style of this entire story. Your mileage may vary, especially considering that the entire (admittedly humorous) spiel above is nothing more than a little tangent to a bigger tangent to an entire section that is a tangential moment of transferal from one mostly important scene to another. In short, mylittleeconomist loves his amusing tangents and throws them around like Pinkie throws confetti and cake with a party cannon. That doesn’t mean that these tangents don’t serve an overall purpose – they do – it just means that they are constant, long, and may leave the more serious readers scratching their head asking “why am I reading all of this again?”
You laid back “Who gives a flying feather?” types, on the other hand, will be grinning from beginning to end, assuming you aren’t too busy laughing for that.
Then there’s the story itself, which shifts from childishly silly to heart-stoppingly serious with the change of a plot arc. Like the show, it starts off mostly silly, with the author poking a lot of fun at the characters with the economics-centric background as an effective springboard. The battle against Nightmare Moon is curiously effective as a result.
But then we watch ponies having their eyes gouged out by birds, an existentially questionable spirit attempting murder with a muddy shovel, and beloved characters getting their heads literally crushed in a monster’s teeth (that part shook me something serious). When this author chooses to go dark, they really choose to go dark.
And all of it is layered in that nonstop, joking tone. You might be surprised to learn that the never-quite-serious voice of the narrative only makes the dark parts feel darker.
Then there’s the economics, which overlay the entire story in a blanket of varying degrees of thickness. In the beginning, everything is economics, to the point that it feels as if the real reason the story exists is for the author to try and teach the average reader about complex economic theory (which they probably won’t get or retain). Gradually, the story becomes less about what economics is and more about how it affects lives, and how friendship plays a factor in both. It can be curiously deep.
At times, too deep. There’s a chunk of the story near the end when Twilight talks to a tree (which can actually talk back) about things that are never even remotely clear. Somehow this leads to peace, but I had no idea exactly what the problem was in the first place. All I really understood was that the tree had a problem, Twilight had a solution, and Pinkie and Applejack were the negotiators.
The good news is that confusing aspect is very rare and not enough to really hamper my enjoyment of the story.
In the end, I must confess to liking this one. It’s a bit wif-waffly in its manner, and yet somehow manages to stay on target from beginning to end. It will amuse you, try to educate you, and at times even shock and horrify. But it all somehow works, the mass merging into something interesting and hard to look away from.
I normally don’t rate incompleted stories, but again, I get the impression mylittleeconomy doesn’t intend for Twilight Sparkle, Unicorn Economist to have an end point. It may be one of those stories that just keeps going until the writer decides they’ve had enough and calls it quits. In that light, I think I can plop down a rating…
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Pie Family Weirdness: The Secret Origin
10,611 Words
By Thought Prism
Requested by Thought Prism
Well, I suppose you can all guess what this is ‘about’ in a general sense. But not directly, oh no. Taking place nearly eight centuries before the show, the story introduces us to Elderberry Pie, a young mare who has the great unfortunacy of being born infertile. Having travelled far and wide in search of a cure, she finally turns to the last resort: a pact with a demon of Tartarus. His solution is rather unorthodox: he cures her in return for her living with him in Tartarus as a slave for ten years.
Sure, why not? And while we’re at it, let’s have some nice demonspawn together.
The story is certainly interesting, managing to identify the origins of much of Pinkie’s family’s unique characteristics and throwing in some Tartarus-centric worldbuilding in the process. Curiously, Tartarus isn’t so hideous as one might expect, and the majority of the story is little more than family-raising slice-of-life. A very unusual life that comes out as remarkably normal, but slice-of-life nonetheless.
Which leads to a couple of strange curiosities. For one, all ponies in this story speak Old English – the quality of which I’ll leave up to people more versed in the subject – whereas the demons speak normally; how it is that a demon and a pony can produce offspring that somehow fail to show any signs of physical abnormality (well, aside from two of them being demons with the traditional variations); or how we fail to really get a view of demonic society, as there clearly is one (although from the little we do get, it’s understandable that Elderberry would want to keep well away).
The one thing that bugged me the most, however, is how the elephant in the room is soundly ignored. It is stated early on that anyone who forms a pact with a demon, as Elderberry did, is doomed to have their soul consumed by the big demon boss guy and live the afterlife in presumed eternal torment. Aside from maybe two offhanded mentions, this reality is completely glossed over. It may simply be that Elderberry and Brimstone prefer to live in the here and now and not think about it, but it’s still a pretty heavy price to pay for children. I can’t help but think the subject would garner a little more attention at some point.
Heck, one of the demonic kids could even turn the event into a sort of family reunion in a few dozen years. “Mom, that you? Wow, long time no see! Finally kicked the bucket, eh? Why don’t you catch me up on everything my elder pony brother has been up to while I go about flaying your soul over this hellfire?”
Yeeeah, this is a subject worthy of investigation.
Then there’s the other curiosity: how did this story come about? Usually tales like these are brought forth by a key, known character introducing us to it. In this case, maybe Igneous Pie passing the tale down to Pinkie or something like that. Thought Prism chose instead to ignore such a plot device entirely. An interesting move, to be sure, which on its own brings about a load of questions, such as: is Pinkie even aware? This isn’t a criticism, though, just an errant observation.
On the whole, this story was interesting in its potential consequences, left a ton of questions in its wake, and comes with some curious storytelling choices. I rather liked it, even as I wish it could have given me a lot more than some quirky slice-of-life. It’s a concept I’d really like to see expanded upon, especially if that expansion could touch upon pony/demon relations (since it appears there is at least the bare basics of something there).
Bookshelf: Worth It
Princess Celestia: A Brief History
21,924 Words
By Novel-Idea
Sequel to The Application of Unified Harmony Magics
The Application of Unified Harmony Magics introduced us to an AU where Sunset remained as Celestia’s apprentice and has been steadily fighting back her… *ahem* ‘tyrannical’ urges. At the end of the story, New Sunset met New Twilight, and it turned out to be a meeting neither of them will forget anytime soon.
Princess celestia: A Brief History starts the morning after the last story ended, with Sunset honoring a promise to introduce Twilight to Princess Celestia. It takes about half the story to get Twilight there – mostly because of Twilight being adorkably Twilight – before we get to meet Celestia, learn Twilight’s Cutie Mark story in this new world and finally get Sunset in Twilight’s position in the opening episodes of the actual show.
Now, I can already hear my readers whining about spoilers. Why was I so willing to reveal all of that? Simple: it’s all blatantly predictable. Twilight’s antics, Sunset’s reactions, the vast majority of the conversation with Celestia, all of it runs in the exact direction anyone would expect given the players and the circumstances. Not a thing surprised me about this story. Not. One. Thing.
What might be surprising is that I don’t mind. I’m all for originality in stories – in fact it’s a driving factor in what I choose to read on my own terms. But Novel-Idea describes the events in such an endearing way that it manages to be entertaining, even with it all being obvious from the start. It is partially because the characters are so well depicted as to fit their canon counterparts perfectly, but it’s also due to the fun manner of the narrative.
All in all, I really had only two things to complain about. The first is that, while the story is pretty easy to follow thanks to the writing style and overall predictability, it might confuse people who haven’t read the first. Characters frequently mention things that happened in the last story in passing, which will be meaningless to anyone who hasn’t read The Application of Unified Harmony Magics. Some of these are pretty important to the discussions that unfold, so reading the first story is definitely recommended.
The second issue: Novel-Idea needs a proofer. There are a number of slipups, from typos to missing words. While I would expect that to some degree in any story, this one has enough of them to become noticeable. It didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the story much, yet it grabs just enough attention to be impossible to ignore.
Still, I enjoyed this story. It’s pleasant, decently paced (if a little slow), full of fun characters with equally fun antics, a great showcase of character understanding regarding Twilight and Sunset, and was just a nice read. It’s not as fascinating as its predecessor, which I honestly liked a lot more, but it held its own and keeps me interested in the series. I’ll be reading The Cloudsdale Report before too long, that I assure you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
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Pie Family Weirdness was somewhat of an experiment for me. I'm honestly not even sure where I got the idea from initially, but once I did it kinda just popped out. I knew the themes I addressed would be uncomfortable for some people, but I certainly did not expect that the someone might find its main flaw to be a lack of their thorough explanation. Despite the premise, I tried to avoid bogging down the pacing with excessive worldbuilding to make sure the focus stayed on Elderberry and her family. While you did just give me an idea for a cameo to throw into a later story, I probably won't write a direct sequel. However, I will try and fulfill your curiosity.
Elderberry probably would have been open to meeting some other demons and learning more about their culture, but it's mentioned in the story that the vast majority of them live in the lower levels of Tartarus, which only dead creatures and demons can access. Addressing the whole 'eternal damnation' thing, I believe I implied that Elderberry was fully aware that it would be her fate should she accept Brimstone's offer, but did so anyway for one reason: she wanted to have children more than she didn't want the endless torment that would follow. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. If your magically-confirmed destiny was to, say, write a bestselling novel which would stand the test of time, but your hands got caught in a woodchipper before you started, wouldn't you do anything to restore them? Sure, you could dictate the story, but you probably wouldn't get the same sense of satisfaction that you would from doing it yourself. It's like that. As for the dialogue discrepancy, that was a combination of laziness and consideration. Most readers would get fatigued pretty fact if literally every character spoke in a dry, old-timey manner. And I would have gotten fatigued writing every character in an old-timey manner.
Thank you, thank you. No applause, just throw money. Remember, the vast majority of the credit goes to the story, not the plugger. If I plug a dud, it just sits there. This one was very cool. Also, I've got an angle on the "Sun and Moon" thing you referenced that I'm using in my 1940 story. Most human mythology has the Sun and Moon as separate individuals. My POV character thought it rather odd that Celestia represented the Sun and Moon, and finds out in fairly quick order just why when he visits Canterlot.
I've followed Mylitteeconomy for quite some time so far, and for many of the reasons you listed. He's bright, quirky, and has a way of looking at things that I didn't think of. Such as:
"...Princess Celestia was not so much the ruler of her domain as its measuring tape, scale, and astrolabe."
"...Twilight took to managing things in much the same sense that a drug addict takes to cocaine, and being asked to manage the NGDP Targeting Festival by Princess Celestia herself was rather like a junkie being asked by Tony Montana to look after his stash for a while."
Just throwing this out there, but that line from the bible is frequently misquoted. Money is not the root of all evil. The actual line is THE LOVE OF money is the root of all evil. Money in itself is just slips of paper or metal. It's neutral, and things have to be acquired in some way, whether by bartering, trading, or buying. It's the people that can be the problem when it comes to money, like if you're willing to kill or scam for something that isn't yours to take. The message is that greed is bad.
That aside, I'm a little confused. I believe you said you were gonna finish reading my story on the 11th, so I thought my review would be up today. Giving the lengths of some of the stories you read it seems impractical to write a review anytime except right after reading it, as it would be easy to forget details.
I was all pumped up too.
Guess I'll have to wait another week.
4601371
You made two mistakes. The first, and entirely forgivable if you've not actually read the story, is to fail to check the author's notes, where I explicitly make the correction you just pointed out about the quote.
The second mistake is to not check the review and/or reading schedule, which I have links to on my user page for all to see. If you had, you'd have seen that your review wasn't scheduled for this week but a later week, but the reading was completed long in advance. You don't really think I wait until the day of the blog to write the reviews, do you? Most are done days, even weeks before their scheduled blog comes out. Alas, you won't see your story on there now, because I delete scheduled weeks from the list once all the reviews for that week have been written. You'll just have to take my word for it that the review is due out next week.
Hmm... I've already explained these things plenty of times, both in blogs and on my user page. Perhaps I'll just start posting the links on the blogs as well, as a means of reminding people they exist. I certainly can't blame people for not knowing the links are there; how often do I thoroughly check anyone else's user page?
4601382 You may think of it as splitting hairs, but those weren't mistakes so much as a misconception.
I haven't read the story, but considering you put the quote as the thought process you based things on I had no idea it actually would come up in it. It seemed like the response was just a sharing of information no one would know unless you shared it. But if you already knew that than why write the response like you didn't?
I forgot how meticulous you were about things, so it makes sense to have a buffer of a week or more for reviews. You gave me a specific date for finishing the story, so I guess I was just a little anxious about things, especially considering I already had a false start the week before due to not knowing the 'now reading' folder is a heads up for authors rather than the exact time you're reading them. Good review or bad review, I just wanted to get it over with so I could stop worrying about it, so I jumped the gun a bit.
Thanks for the reviews friend