Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXVIII · 10:14pm Jun 22nd, 2017
Well, the weekend with my parents was bust, but I fully expected that. Ignoring those days, I am pleased to say that I have stuck to my guns and managed at least 1,500 words/day for two weeks running. I've had to knuckle down and ignore all the distractions that so easily come up. Proving that I still have it in me to do it gives me a sense of pride, not to mention a feeling that my goals are as attainable as ever.
Of course, things are only going to get harder. I spent the past four days reading 50,000+ words for my reviews despite not being in a week demanding that. It was something of a test run to determine whether or not I could keep up my writing even when overloaded with reading demands, and the test was clearly a success. So now I know that when I hit July and that long period of several weeks with nonstop 50,000+ words/day right into late August, I should be able to keep up. I can't tell you people how happy I'll be to be able to say I not only kept my writing schedule, but maintained my lead during this coming rough patch of continuous simultaneous long stories. And no worries, I've got a reading vacation scheduled in there too, so I shouldn't burn out before the end.
Back on topic: no reviews next week. It's my regularly scheduled break week, and I intend to make full use of it knowing what's coming the week after.
But for now, today's reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Putting the 'Harm' in Harmony by chief maximus
Adolescence by Scout Feather
Those Who Live Forever by Moose Mage
Friendship is Hypocritical by Jonah Smith
For the Hive by Law Abiding Pony
Total Word Count: 217,797
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Putting the 'Harm' in Harmony
24,106 Words
By chief maximus
A story in which Rarity and Gilda are forced to work together for a week? That sounds very new and interesting and I am so there.
Assuming I interpreted things correctly, this story takes place shortly after Suited for Success and before The Best Night Ever. In it we find that Rarity has been invited to Canterlot’s annual fashion show as a guest of honor to showcase her newest fashion creations. When she gets to her hotel, however, she’s found that the princesses are requiring she have a bodyguard, although why mystifies her. And who should the hotel assign to her than their newest guard, Gilda! Neither are too happy with the arrangement, and they both expect to spend the next week doing nothing but being annoyed by each other.
Until, that is, someone decides to make an assassination attempt on Hoity Toity.
This story was interesting in a variety of ways. Alternating between Rarity’s and Gilda’s perspectives, it provides a bit of show-like quirkiness with some slightly more serious consequences on the side. And yet it also sports a touch of realism in the nature of Gilda’s and Rarity’s ever growing relationship, with neither of them hitting the traditional milestones one would expect in a story like this and yet steadily growing more comfortable around one another anyway. If the story is nothing else, it’s fresh.
I really enjoyed the characterization of both Gilda and Rarity for this one. That said, there were some nitpicks. The most notable is that the dialogue is sometimes… shall I say undersupported? At times a character will make a statement, and we have no idea the manner of said statement. Is it meant to be sincere? Sarcastic? Angry? Thoughtful? Sometimes you don’t get a handle on how the characters are saying things until you’re several lines of dialogue into the conversation, and by then the damage is done.
All in all, this was a fun and interesting piece. I enjoyed myself for its more original character setup, the development of said characters, and the oftentimes amusing style that ranges from bloodletting swordfights, self-aware jokes and discussions regarding how true villains are meant to act. By all means, give this a go and have fun!
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Adolescence
18,438 Words
By Scout Feather
Adolescence is the sequel to a clop story called Scootaloo and the Pillow, which I didn’t read but understand is about Scootaloo discovering masturbation and thus officially entering puberty. The sequel caught my eye because it seemed to be something other than clop, and my instincts proved correct in this matter. The story turns out to be a coming of age tale in which Scootaloo comes to understand the nature of sex and decides to pursue her first crush: Sweetie Belle.
Let me just say that I can think of no character better for a story of this type than Scootaloo, which is a big part of why this story’s concept appealed to me. It’s a combination of her tomcoltish nature, her avoidance of all things warm and fuzzy, and her ‘sisterhood’ with Rainbow that seems to make her fit the role well, and I can see someone making a solid and interesting story around this old concept.
Scout Feather plays it straight, starting us off with a little extra… *ahem* self discovery on Scootaloo’s part after she gets ‘the talk’ from her very understanding father (seriously, that guy only shows up for one scene, but he struck me as pretty cool as far as fathers go). Then things quickly escalate to her recognizing but not understanding her feelings for Sweetie, and then a bit more experimentation. While the sex is explicit, it’s not what one would call ‘hardcore’ and neither is it the focus of the story. It’s tasteful, and for that I approve.
And yet, the story does stumble in a number of places. Nothing in this story is original, and at times it felt like the author was doing little more than following the obligatory steps of a childhood/teenage romance, complete with the whole “win the girlfriend a prize at the festival stall” and “romantic ride on a ferris wheel” routines. Is there some romance 101 book out there dictating that these things have to happen?
There are also some scenes that might have been golden, but ended up getting skipped entirely, and for that I was saddened. For instance, in the very first chapter Scoots gets caught after the act by her parents, at which point her father decides she needs to be told about the birds and the bees. Now remember, this is supposed to be a story about Scootaloo coming of age and understanding her own sexuality. As such, I imagine what her father has to tell her should be a critical part of that journey, something for her to fall back on when confused or scoff at and come to learn later was completely accurate. It is certainly not something that needs to be skipped in this instance, but that’s precisely what Scout Feather chose to do. For blowing off what could easily have been a lynchpin moment in the story’s plot, the author fails to recognize the tools that their disposal.
Then there’s the real burden of the story: the dichotomy of Scootaloo’s comprehension. Scootaloo spends much of the story scared half to death because she’s a fillyfooler, thinking she’ll be ostracized by society or perhaps kicked out of her house or any of a hundred horrible, horrible things. She’s got the idea locked in her mind that being gay is bad and she’ll be in a lot of trouble if anypony finds out.
But then her father’s cool with it. Her mother seems to be cool with it (assuming her father mentioned it to her after the fact). Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle are cool with it. Rarity is cool with it. Heck, she spends one scene talking to Lyra, who is married to Bon Bon and tells her outright that nobody cares. And yet Scootaloo goes almost to the very end of the story still thinking everypony cares and there’s something wrong with it.
And here lies the fundamental problem of the story. Everypony is shown, clearly, to have no care at all about the subject of homosexuality. There’s not an ugly look, not a snicker, not a single curse. Scout Feather has painted a picture in which Equestria is completely tolerant of the concept. So where did Scootaloo’s fears come from? Clearly, somepony in her life has beaten into her skull the idea that fillyfoolers are terrible, terrible ponies, otherwise why would the idea be so deeply ingrained into her psyche? But there’s no clue given in this regard.
The only alternative I can think of is that Scootaloo was born predisposed to thinking that way, but if that’s true then she and Sweetie have a rough time ahead. I’m not buying it though, because if that was an issue then why would she be willing to pursue a relationship with a filly in the first place?
Point is, Equestrian society as he author has presented it isn’t lining up with Scootaloo’s awareness of it, and that’s a problem. It feels as if Scout Feather is throwing the doubts in there just for some needless drama, or perhaps because it’s expected in human societies. Because the apparent problems don’t match the apparent universe background, I am left questioning the validity of the entire story.
Adolescence isn’t bad. Its writing style is mediocre and the plot is predictable, but I think the idea is great with Scootaloo in the leading role. Still, the author needs a bit more practice under their belt before they can tackle this subject matter effectively.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Those Who Live Forever
5,242 Words
By Moose Mage
Recommended by Titanium Dragon
Ah, yes, waitress? I’ll have one kick in the feels please, extra hard. Thank you.
There’s a story idea that shows up every now and then, just enough to be considered ‘common’: the pony that Twilight Sparkle replaced. I usually see this with Trixie or, sometimes, Starlight Glimmer. Note that I don’t mean ‘replaced’ in the same sense as she did Sunset Shimmer, but in that there was another little pony of equal or even stronger magical ability that, by sheer luck or circumstance, didn’t get to be Celestia’s prized pupil because of Twilight. This is one of those stories, but changes things up a bit by making the story be not about the unfortunate filly, but said filly’s mother and how she copes with her ingenious daughter’s blatant ‘passing over’.
The end result is beautifully sad. We get to watch as a mother, determined to do anything to ensure her daughter can be whatever she wants to be, and facing the future when her reach just isn’t high enough. And in the end, is she content? Is she, at the very least, accepting of the hand life has dealt her daughter?
One part a showcasing of the cruelty of fate, the more interesting part of this is an example of a mother’s love. How fitting that I read this on Mother’s Day.
There are deeper connotations within this story. Lessons about life, about legacies, about success and failure. I’m sure different people will take different things away from it. Frankly, I’m not one to dig into those intricacies – I tend to think I don’t have the head for it. Suffice to say that this is a think piece, and a very good one. As sad as it is, I came away smiling.
Definitely read this.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Friendship is Hypocritical
1,782 Words
By Jonah Smith
Requested by Jonah Smith
If I remember correctly – and I note that I could be thinking of an entirely different story – Jonah Smith asked me to review this because it was receiving some heavy downvotes and was trying to figure out why. Whelp, after looking through it, I think I can point out a few reasons.
Friendship is Hypocritical operates on one basic premise: Twilight is no better than Starlight in the realm of mind control. It has Starlight go to Princess Twilight with two examples of Twilight mind controlling other creatures in order to fix things, specifically Bats! and Keep Calm and Flutter On, while Spike walks in to add Lesson Zero to the mix.
The idea is sound – Twilight has indeed made some mistakes – but the arguments made are weak for a number of reasons. First, with Keep Calm and Flutter On, Starlight informs her new mentor that attempting to use the reformation spell on Discord would have led to a world of perfect order, which would have in turn led to the world being just like Our Town. The problem with this is twofold: first, Jonah Smith assumes that the reformation spell turns the victim into their polar opposite selves. It is, in their mind, exactly like what Discord did to all of Twilight’s friends in The Return of Harmony. Unless there is proof that the reformation spell would have done exactly that in the comics, this idea is based purely on headcanon and cannot be declared universally true. As such, this argument will hold no water with anyone who doesn’t share Jonah Smith’s headcanon, which is likely to be almost everyone.
So, problem one: Arguments based purely on one’s headcanon are not valid without something in canon to back them up.
The second problem is that Keep Calm and Flutter On and Lesson Zero both took place before Twilight became Princess of Friendship. She’s grown a lot over the seasons. Just because Twilight made the mistake once in her comparatively distant past doesn’t mean she hasn’t learned her lesson. Twilight is perfectly suited to the moral high ground specifically because she made the mistakes before and now knows better. Pointing them out doesn’t advance Starlight’s theory of hypocrisy, it only reminds us of why Twilight is qualified to make the argument in the first place.
In Starlight’s defense, she has no way to know for herself if Twilight really has learned her lesson in such matters. Even so, problem two: The arguments ignore Twilight’s development as a character over the course of six-seven seasons.
Then we get to the third problem, which is directly related to the first one and Bats!. In this argument, Starlight points out that Twilight used mind control on the fruit bats to save Applejack’s farm, and this resulted in the fruit bats’ extinction because their diet had been completely rewritten. First off, this assumes that the fruit bats in AJ’s orchards were all the fruit bats in existence, which is just silly. Second, it assumes that Twilight kept the spell in place even after Applejack agreed to create an orchard for them. Even if we grant that we never see Twilight undo the spell she cast on the bats themselves, why would Applejack even bother with fencing off a special orchard for the bats to live on if she didn’t? The change in plans would have been pointless if the bats still couldn’t eat apples at the end of everything.
Problem three: The arguments are developed around a headcanon that fails to account for or outright ignores signs of alternative results. Without addressing these alternatives, the argument opens itself up to failure.
Okay, so the logic is flawed. What about the presentation? Not bad, I suppose. Jonah Smith had a point to make, and made it. But the writing is also very simple. The frustrating bit for me is that it’s 90% dialogue. The author makes no attempt whatsoever to develop mood, atmosphere or setting. We’re in Twilight’s castle library – end of setting. Starlight feels smug – end of mood. Twilight said, Starlight said, Twilight said to Starlight – end of atmosphere. I suppose it’s fine given what Jonah Smith wanted to do with the story, but it doesn’t make for an engaging read by any stretch of the imagination.
In the end, I came away from this one with little more than a shrug. It largely consists of lackluster writing and poorly chosen arguments. However, I’m willing to forgive Jonah Smith on the former, because it seems clear to me that this is a new author testing the waters. I have nothing but support for someone in that position and can only encourage them to keep trying, as one never improves otherwise. But for this story, I’m afraid I’m not very enthusiastic.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
For the Hive
166,015 Words
By Law Abiding Pony
Sequel to Of the Hive
Of the Hive showed Twilight’s relatively peaceful (compared to most stories) joining with a changeling hive, going on to become a royal and upcoming queen. For the Hive takes place four years later and jumps right into the next step, with Twilight going to the Queen’s Council to convince the royals to name her a changeling queen in her own right. But before she can retain the title in full, she has to grant some gift to the whole of the changeling race, something that will further the cause of changelings both good and bad.
The first thing that I note coming away from this story is its peculiar lack of finality. Although there are two major conflicts and both get resolved by the end, it never felt as if we were truly at the end of the tale. This may have been an intentional element on Law Abiding Pony’s part, especially considering the number of entries that already exist for this franchise. But it still felt awkward to me, as if this story deserved something more. What I’m trying to get at is that this doesn’t really feel like a story so much as a retelling of events, and it left me with a miffed feeling. It’s not necessarily bad, but I’m not sure if it’s good either.
That having been said, the story brings forth a lot more of what made the first one so good. The worldbuilding is nothing short of impressive, ranging from new cultures, hidden histories and unexpected enemies with startlingly grand powers. To the literary explorers out there, this is some tasty candy.
Then there’s the action, which is exciting but never over the top (godlike villain notwithstanding). I think Law Abiding Pony’s most exemplary skill can be identified right here, with every battle being interesting, exciting or worrisome. The battles – and yes, we can safely refer to at least some of them as ‘battles’ instead of ‘fights’ – utilize classic MLP magic and weaponry with modern advancements like guns and artillery to great effect. In this area, I have nothing but praise.
Combine those great elements with lots of drama, most notably Twilight’s ‘family issues’ and Rainbow expanded role in the Hive, and a smattering of changeling political scheming courtesy of Chrysalis. The end result is not something to scoff at. For the Hive might not feel like a full story on its own, but it provides plenty of great storytelling elements. Things look to only get more complicated, if the shameless (by the author’s own admission) sequel bait of an epilogue is anything to go by.
There are two problems, and to some they may be significant. The first is the writing itself. Simply put, the story is loaded with problems, from typos to lost words to wrong words to LUS to a near-continuous practice of tell over show. Either this was all present in the last story and I didn’t notice, or the writing quality of this story fell dramatically compared to that of its predecessor. If it’s continuous enough that even I start to get annoyed by it, you know something is wrong.
The second problem appears to be a lack of any narrative control. Law Abiding Pony hops perspectives like Frogger hops gators. At any given time, readers can expect to go from Twilight’s mind to Rainbow’s to Cadista’s to Aegis’ to Twilight’s to Chrysalis’s to Twilight’s, all without warning or transitioning. This has grown to become one of my pet peeves, and I stifled a groan every time it happened. This author has got to learn how to make a scene good with one perspective, rather than relying on this amateur bouncing around like a pair of training wheels.
So, how does this story compare to its predecessor? Quite well on the whole. In fact, I would say that this is vastly superior, at least from a plot perspective. But the author’s writing skill needs to develop quite a bit if I’m going to move farther than the next sequel, which early reports from others suggest is a step down from here.
But I’ll make that judgement call for myself.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
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Man, I just started coming up with more and more reasons why the logic in that Starlight fic is off.
First, the reforming spell from Keep Calm. Aside from the fact that we don't know what, exactly it does, A) she never used it, and B) it wasn't Twilight's first choice. This wasn't a case of "The Princess wants us to reform Discord? Okay, one mind-wipe coming up!" Had Starlight been in her position, I have no doubt she'd have done exactly that.
Number two: the spell from Bats! and a similar one from Swarm of the Century (seriously, he missed one!) Counterargument? Rewriting a species' instincts is not the same as taking away the free will of a sapient being. Not at all. Nowhere near the same level of activity. Plus, what happened in Bats was stupid and didn't make any sense at all, so I'm willing to just completely dismiss it as a case.
Number three: Lesson Zero. What Twilight did in there was unquestionably wrong, on the same level as any of Starlight's given mind-altering outbursts. It's part of the reason I hate that episode. But even though Twilight was completely off her rocker by the end, like, not even close to thinking straight, mind control was still not her first course of action. She tried messing with people in numerous other ways, hoping to force a friendship problem. The Want It, Need It spell was a last resort. I posit that, for Starlight, the only thing that would have stood in her way in such a situation would have been a plethora of other spells that do the same thing. Also, this is the one time we have seen Twilight do anything similar to what Starlight has done on, what, at least three separate occasions?
In conclusion, Starlight Glimmer is an evil, lazy pony whose knee-jerk reaction to any situation involving the least amount of conflict is mind rape of all involved parties because she can't take the heat. I may be a little biased, but if we're gonna go with this argument, yeah, Starlight needs to shut her mouth. :V
Not trying to justify the Starlight fic (I haven't read it), but some stories are completely based on headcanons. Do you not like those?
"Putting the 'Harm' in Harmony" is the only one of these I've read, and it was a fun piece with good character work. He's a solid author, and I've enjoyed several of his stories.
Let me just say thank you for this review. I originally thought that the story was pretty good. Looking at this review though oh god was I wrong, I didn't think all these things through and as such I guess my story greatly suffered. I subconsciously created headcanons without even knowing it which ruined all semblance of logic and now it just looks like a bad accusation fic made to put starlight in the right. I screwed up royally so thanks, thanks a lot for this review, I think I might need to take a break to learn from the mistakes you pointed out, again, thank you.
4580453
I can't imagine how you jumped to that conclusion. Friendship is Hypocritical isn't bad because it's based on headcanon, it's bad because it's trying to prove an argument through headcanon. Big difference. It is practically impossible to write a fanfiction without some level of headcanon, and thus it is practically impossible to not like a story solely because it is based on headcanon. To suggest anything else would be... well, hypocritical.
4580456
Alas, I have read only one story by chief maximus other than Putting the 'Harm' in Harmony, and all the incompletes I'm following look like they never will be. I'd love to rag on chief maximus about that, except that I am in no position to do so until I've finished my own.
4580474
Don't feel too down. I think most authors fall into the headcanon trap at some point. Heck, I have a 'fix it' story of my own that, while popular, is loaded with its own mistakes.