Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXIII · 10:55pm May 18th, 2017
It's just about time for the pain. What do I mean by that? Well, next week is a workaholic week. that means 60k words a day for me, all of which will be devoted to a single story. And after that, I've got a large number of big stories (200,000+ words) coming along at once. I've decided to forgo my usual maximum limits for a few weeks just for the sake of getting these things done and out of the way without sacrificing my lead too much. All in all, I don't mind it that much, save that the amount of reading and review writing I'll have to do is going to eat into my story own development.
But hey, at least I've got a reading vacation coming up. Maybe I can get a lot of writing done then to make up for it!
I've got two new Writeoff stories to post, but I'm not sure when I'll get around to that. I'm more focused on getting the next chapter of Bulletproof Heart ready to go. Who knows, maybe we'll see the new shorts come out this weekend?
And... yeah, that's it. Not much of a news day, really. to the reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Beneath your feet, what Treasures by TheJediMasterEd
A Card for Twist by Allonsbro
A Dragon Whispers Her Name by N00813
Just an Old Fool by Minds Eye
We're All Grey by Imperaxum
Through the Looking-glass and What Pinkie Found There by Ponky
Total Word Count: 52,029
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Beneath your feet, what Treasures
1,444 Words
By TheJediMasterEd
I’m ashamed to admit that, like so many others, the symbolism of this story flew right over my head until I took a look at the comments. Now I’m thinking on it a bit more, and I see it’s one of those stories you really have to either be ready for or just be naturally observant regarding what you’re reading. I am renowned for my inobservant nature and went in totally unprepared. My loss.
In this tale, we find that Spike has a private hoard nopony knows about, not even Twilight. He goes to visit this hoard and, more importantly, add to his collection. As he does, he comes to think on what is important to him and how he might rectify a recent… ‘loss,’ if you will.
The story is extremely indirect, never daring to tell you what Spike’s really thinking about and expecting you to figure it all out on your own. On the one hand, stories that make their readers think should always be praised. On the other, I can’t help but feel this one was a little too indirect, although that may just be me being bitter that I didn’t get it upon first read. Regardless, I strongly advise anyone who jumps into this one to do so with both eyes open and the mind on high alert, because everything that is being shown means something.
And I like that.
This isn’t what I expected, nor is it what I’d hoped. But it’s certainly been worth my while, and a nice look at Spike as he gradually grows up. Put your (undoubtedly dusty) thinking caps on and give it a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
A Card for Twist
3,397 Words
By Allonsbro
The moment I saw this story, I knew I had to read it. Primarily because it involved Twist, and stories about her are all but unheard of. Seriously, it seems nobody writes about her. I’m always on the lookout for uncommon characters, and this fits that bill perfectly.
A Card for Twist follows the new kid in school, Chowder, and his unwitting crush on Twist. When Cheerilee asks her students to create Hearts and Hooves Day cards for their classmates, he resolves to write a ‘special’ one for Twist. But it turns out he sucks at coming up with what to say, and spends all day agonizing over the feat even with the help of the CMC.
The first thing to note about this story is its very simple and direct writing style. This proved a negative to me, as it made everything seem uneventful:
Chowder climbed in the wagon with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom and they set off. They arrived at the clubhouse a short time later.
“That was fun,” exclaimed Chowder. “You’re really good on that scooter, Scootaloo. We didn’t even hit any of the potholes on the way over.”
As we can see, there’s no attempt at atmosphere, generating emotions, or even showing us the events as they play out. The entire story runs like this, so my very first suggestion to Allonsbro would be to slow down and smell the flowers. There’s an entire universe going on around Chowder, show it to us! What does he see, what does he hear, what does he smell? What did he feel like riding in Scootaloo’s wagon for the first time? Building up scenes is the way we make them interesting.
I also have to echo the critique from Equestria Daily, in that we know absolutely nothing about Chowder. He’s got a crush on Twist, end of story. What are his hobbies and interests, what does he want to do with his life, does he even care about any of that stuff? His special talent is interesting, expand upon it! Without letting us know who Chowder is as an individual beyond ‘he likes Twist,’ it’s pretty hard to get invested in him.
There are also a number of minor narrative inconsistencies to watch out for. Take this example:
He didn’t even notice his mom had made a slight alteration to the cheese stuffed mushrooms they were having, adding a bit of saffron, which made it much better.
So if this is from Chowder’s perspective and he didn’t notice the difference, how is it that he’s noticed the difference and can make a judgement call? Try to be wary of what you say and how it affects our interpretation of what’s going on. I know at least one pre-reader out there who would rake you over the coals for a mistake like this.
The only other thing to point out is that some people hate accents, and this would include Twist’s lisp. Since her lisp is constant every time she talks, said people will put the story down and turn away in disgust on principle. I don’t particularly mind it, although it is a bit thick, but I do think it’s important to point out. Just be wary of how you handle accents of any type.
The story isn’t bad, all things considered. It’s clearly written by an amateur author, but considering some of the pitfalls that could have come from that, I’d say Allonsbro is off to a good start. If anything, I’m encouraged to take a look at this author’s more recent works to see if they’ve improved any over the years.
Bookshelf: Worth It
A Dragon Whispers Her Name
12,758 Words
By N00813
I read Schemering Sintel way back when I wasn’t shortlisting sequels and side stories I wanted to read, so I’ve forgotten a lot about the original story this one is based upon. The basics, as I recall, are that Spike gets kidnapped by a black dragon and Twilight spends years travelling the dark world beyond Equestria trying to find him, and losing her innocence along the way. There was one dominant question that even the end of that story didn’t answer: what really happened to Spike?
Enter A Dragon Whispers Her Name. In this story, we pick up shortly after Spike’s kidnapping and learn what he’s been up to since then. It largely involves being dependent on his kidnapper for survival and gradually succumbing to his natural, draconic instincts. Like Schemering Sintel before it, it’s a tragic and dark tale full of blood, regrets and death.
A Dragon Whispers Her Name isn’t as powerful a story as Schemering Sintel, but it’s no slouch in its own right. Told with almost zero dialogue, it is a gradual story that gives the reader plenty of time to understand what they’re seeing. The style is almost contemplative, but knows when to be direct, and the result is some solid atmosphere. The argument could be made that the story goes on for too long, but that’s purely conjecture to be debated by the different readers.
Also of note is that this story can be read entirely on its own. No knowledge of Schemering Sintel is necessary so long as you accept the base premise of “Spike’s been kidnapped by a black dragon.” That knowledge does, however, add a lot more weight to the ending.
Ignoring one or two grammatical ‘oops’ in the form of extra words, this story is solid. Fans of dark and tragic tales will surely find something worthwhile in this one. It’s not quite as effective as Twilight’s journey in the companion piece, but it’s still a great story all on its own.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Just an Old Fool
1,955 Words
By Minds Eye
Recommended by BlazzingInferno
Apparently I’d already read this one ages ago and simply forgot about it. What fortune that BlazzingInferno recommended it, then! Yet another story about a rarely discussed character, Just an Old Fool focuses on Greenhooves, the gardener Fluttershy met in The Best Night Ever. It’s hard to summarize what the story is about without spoiling it in its entirety, so let’s just settle for it being about regrets and lost opportunities.
The story is short, simple, and a little touching. You’re not given much time at all to get to know Greenhooves, but it’s enough to establish a good bit about his one lifelong problem. Sadly, it is a problem he’ll probably never get past.
The story is well written and well paced, going just as far as it needs to without any extra fluff. Is it particularly eye-catching or have a strong hook? Not really, but that’s not the point. The story’s only purpose seems to be to identify just who that strange old coot Fluttershy saw in the Canterlot Gardens really is. From that perspective, I think it does just fine.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
We're All Grey
1,805 Words
By Imperaxum
Recommended by Harry_Jones
Princess Twilight Sparkle comes from a world of black and white: everything is either good or evil with no middle ground between them. Humans are a bit more murky in their designations, and the human representative assigned to teach her about Earth decides to give her that lesson. How? By introducing her to Normandy and La Cambe.
These kinds of stories leave me divided. On the one hand, we have a genuine message of good intentions. On the other, I strongly suspect that most people will read the story, act as though they fully agree and will behave in accordance with the wisdom therein, and promptly go back to doing things as they always have. The lesson will be forgotten because they really only care for so long as the topic is being shoved in their faces, during which time they know they are expected to nod and agree.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying either the story or the message is bad. On the contrary, both are generally well done in consideration of what little background we have/need for this AU setting. I just seriously doubt the capacity of the average person to hold onto the message longer than it takes to close the window.
My cynicism aside, this is a worthwhile (if heavy handed) look at at the nature of good vs. evil in humanity, with the added prism of World War II. If that kind of thing interests you, feel free to take a look.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Through the Looking-glass and What Pinkie Found There
30,670 Words
By Ponky
Side Story to The Sisters Doo
Well, that was different. Then again, what would you expect from a story named after a Lewis Carroll book?
In The Sisters Doo, Ponky made the egregious mistake of starting a side story in the midst of events and then… doing nothing with it. This story picks up right where that side story dropped off the face of its origins. Essentially, Pinkie was trying to convince Twilight that the stories of ‘Bluish Carol’ are real. Twilight does extensive research but just doesn’t believe it… until Pinkie manages to bring her through a mirror. And all of that happened in the first story, as opposed to this one where it would have made more sense. In other words, you must have read the original to have even the most basic grasp of what’s going on with this one, as this one doesn’t technically have the beginning.
Off to a bad start there, Ponky.
Once you’ve come to grips with what’s going on, however, things improve significantly. Twilight finds herself in the Wabe – AKA Tartarus – and journeys with Pinkie to learn more about this strange, magical world. Built up largely from the writings of Lewis Carroll, the story is at times whimsical and even has some stellar rhyming moments. Alas, I couldn’t tell you if the rhymes are just ponifications of the Carroll stories or original material, but either way they are fun to read (this from a guy who doesn’t care much for poetry). Hunting a Snark, history lessons with Starswirl the Bearded, even escaping the clutches of a Bandersnatch, the story is a lot of fun.
Ignoring the poor opening, the story only has two problems. The first is that it doesn’t really have a purpose beyond expanding upon the universe of The Sisters Doo and explaining some background material. It’s fine to want to do that, but it felt a bit shallow. I guess if you’re just in it for the fun, though, then it’ll be fine.
The other problem is the ending, which… isn’t? So Twilight’s going to meet with Celestia. But we don’t get to see this meeting, which is guaranteed to have been the ultimate reward for the entire story. And Ditzy and Daring are going on a new adventure, but we don’t get to do anything with that either? And Pinkie’s worries are never resolved, largely because we didn’t get to meet Celestia as promised, and Spike never gets his closure and…
Yeah, this has been a fizzle of an ending. Not satisfying at all.
This story is a lot of fun, but it’s total dependence of the other story and lackluster conclusion drag it down. I suppose it would be a good read for anyone wanting to know more about the universe of The Sisters Doo or who just want to Lewis Carroll nonsense with the horse words. The rest of you might not get much out of it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXIX
Paul's "Wait! It's Not Thursday!" Reviews
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXX
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXI
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXII
You Are Here
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXV
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Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXVIII
Hm.
"Beneath Your Feet, What Treasures." I don't think I understood it on my own any more than you did, but once I read the comments, it made sense, and I liked it. (I even like the one commenter who jabs at some of the choices of minerals.) This one creates a very unique, self-assured, almost cocky voice for Spike that I've never seen before, and while it's kind of hard to make that jive with my own mental picture of Spike, I think it was well done.
"A Card For Twist." Wow, he submitted this to Equestria Daily 5 years ago! That was before I joined up. I don't think he ever resubmitted it.
Chowder, huh? I don't know which name's become more common for him over the years, but Present Perfect and I like to call him Truffle Shuffle after the obvious food connection and the reference to "The Goonies." I wrote a minific about him once, and it's one I still plan to expand in to a solo story at some point so it won't stay buried in my minific anthology. If you like Twist and a way of handling her lisp so it works to actually write it into her dialogue, check out "Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella." I rather like picking out little used characters like this at times, especially for minifics, where you can do just a quick character study of them.
And that's all of these I've read.
BTW, pretty much all the authors I do ongoing editing for have gone on hiatus or quit ponyfic, so I've got time if you want help with more than just the one story.
4537881
Thanks for the offer!
Hmm... Well, I've got seven stories I'm currently working on, but I'm working on them based on how I've rated them in priority. I don't intend to have editors for Order of Shadows or The Silence, as I've made them my 'easy writing' stories where I don't worry about much and just write whatever. I need easy stories or I'll burn out quick, I've come to learn. No Heroes: Life of Pie also falls into that category, although I have FanofMostEverything pre-reading since I promised to let him do so.
Songbird is currently ranked 4th, so it's taking a while for me to focus on it from chapter to chapter, sadly, and Needs of the Few is dead last; we won't be seeing it again for a while.
I definitely am going to want some solid editors/pre-readers for Bulletproof Heart, but I want to have most/all of that written before I start showing it to people, and that's going to take a long time at my current rate of writing.
...
And then there's Derp. It's set as Priority 6, so it could be a while... but then again, the rough draft's only a few scenes short of completion. I reckon if I really focused I could get it done relatively quickly. And out of all my stories, it is the most in need of help, because I am not happy with its current form.
Perhaps I'll do that. After I finish the chapter of Bulletproof Heart I'm working on, I'll go ahead and bump Derp to the top of the slate and finish the rough draft. Then you can butcher it, because I'm pretty sure it needs some trimming. I want to grab at least three editors for it so I can get multiple critiques and weed out all the problems, because I feel like there are a lot of them. I was thinking about asking horizon, partially because I've never asked him before.
Poor, forgotten Twist. I have one story idea floating around that involves her, but it hasn't come to fruition yet, alas…
I'm glad you enjoyed Just an Old Fool. That's one of two stories I know of featuring Greenhooves, the other being one of mine. I'm sure there are others out there, of course.
Oh, and I definitely didn't bring We're All Grey to your attention, considering I haven't read it myself
4538179
...well crud. You didn't? Well unless someone comes along and corrects me, I have no idea who sent that one to me then. I removed the story from my schedule ages ago.
4538482
That was me.
Good job as always Paul.