N00813
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Why I got the feeling that this story will make harder to deal with Spike's death in Schemering Sintel?
WHY THE AUTOR IS A BAD-BAD-BAAAD-PONY.
Nope.
Nopenopenope.
Bad enough reading the b'awwfest of SS, but now we have to watch Spike turn into a monster? And what's the point? We KNOW what happens in the end?
Not downvoting, because I'm not petty enough top downvote a fic I haven't read, just... nope.
the black dragon is female..... unexpected. Either way, if it turns out she's Spikes mother, I won't be surprised, I though about that theory since Schemering Sintel
I suggest you add a chapter to smithering sintel notifying of this new story, otherwise some might not find this.
2695472 i1.minus.com/iban7TXTjtc7VH.jpg here is another theory
2695762 Half the text bubbles were cut off. Including Spike's final words.
2695326 So let me get this straight: Schemering Sintel ends with Spike dying before he is returned to his friends, Twilight losing her identity, and a resolution that doesn't involve the other five of the mane six?
2695292
Understanding makes empathy.
2695472
Aye. Unfortunately, I cannot say anything explicitly.
2695745
For the second chapter, yes.
Aww, we don't get to see Spike's POV of the fight?
2731887
I'm not a good enough writer to do that.
It's probably just a blaze of red. Probably. I mean... I'm not Spike.
2731892 Eh, I suppose. Still, great story bro.
So wanted to read spikes side of the fight to read what was going through his head and to see if he ever remembered twilight prob not... but it was good oh well. .-.
Finally, something to read! Alright, let's get to it.
So, after reading this story, there are a few things to be noted: while it was a good story from a structural point of view and the vocabulary was excellent, I can't do anything but feel that it's missing the most important thing.
Schemering Sintel was a GREAT story that had true feelings written in it, while this side story has nothing else but descriptive gore, the over-repetitive use of 'blood' scene and some bland combat scenes. Spike doesn't really feel like he truly cares or realises that he lost his friends, the emotional breakdown is missing completely! He might be young when he was captured, but that doesn't mean he can't feel like he has been taken away from his mother/caretaker; simply putting it that he prefered silence while taken away by the black dragon is just cheap and lazy (don't be bothered by this, please, I'm only trying to help!).
A short story that can be resumed like this: flying, blood, awkward moment of peace between the two dragons, rinse and repeat. As I said previously, you needed to show Spike's grief, and work with that to turn him into the coldblooded killer, sort of like he questions why Twilight never came for him, if he meant anything to her at all, other than an assistant.
This could have been truly the sister story of Schemering Sintel, but it doesn't even compare.
Emotions. Use them
Please forgive me if I overstepped my boundaries, I just needed to let that out, hoping that my amateur criticism will somewhat help you improve further
2734528
Nah, it's cool. I tried to put all of that into the background for this time, for some reason I can't remember right now.
Next time, eh?
2734528 Agreed. That's pretty much my gripe with this story as well. Reading everything from Spike's POV seems completely empty. No descriptions on what he thinks of his friends back home (before he lost his memory) and the conflicts between what Twilight has taught him and what he's forced to do to survive. In a way, that makes the story even more depressing than it already is (not saying it's a bad thing). It's as if we never see how he truly feels about his whole situation.
Valar Dohaeris.
I'm aware that it doesn't really apply in this context, but what are you gonna do?
Brilliant writing, even without much of an emotional payoff, is still brilliant writing. Sure, it's still drenched in blood and gore, but the overall quality of the piece made it much easier to bear than some of the more well known fics of that nature.
2736302
Yeah, agreed. This one was particularly tough to write, mainly because the POV character of Spike is still (in my mind) a child -- and an impressionable one.
I believe that he was battling with his instincts more near the beginning, but it got less and less present later on.
2736783
Thanks!
Would it be weird to think that the kidnapper dragon could have been the one that laid Spike's egg? And that she came back to reclaim her young?
2983174
I'm not saying anything about that, but yes, it's plausible.
Heavy, distressing, and absolutely perfect with the preceding story.
I love how you wrote spike, slowly losing who he is and becoming who he became, both from necessity and instinct. It is an interesting parallel to Twilight's own journey, and makes me wonder how the whole thing affected the others, from the glimpses
But what really hit me hard, and made the whole thing that much more cruel was how Spike wasn't a mindless beast by the end, but instead retained some cognition. Made me wonder how he felt during his fight with Twilight, but I am glad you left that open.
All in all, absolute genius writing.
3063312
Thanks!
The greatest difficulty in this was making a somewhat alien mind relatable (at least at first). At the end, I toyed with his fight with Twilight -- he probably couldn't recognise her too, due to how much she'd changed, and thus didn't try to hold back until maybe the very, very end.
The brutality in this was a bit of a double-edged sword, since too much would bore people, but too little wouldn't do justice to how nasty Spike's journey was.
This was an awesome side story to Schemering Sintel. I feel like this one feels more rushed since 20 years went by chronologically—unlike the flashbacks in Schemering Sintel—which made it feel like Spike's change went to quickly even though it actually did not. Nonetheless, I thought Spike's perspective was pulled off amazingly. I liked Schemering Sintel more, but honestly, I feel like that it would be hard to beat Schemering Sintel.
3122176
Thanks!
I didn't want to bore people with more fight scenes -- that has essentially become Spike's life in Chapter 2. Boredom and confusion punctuated by adrenaline-pumping fights.
I also think Schemering was better, probably due to the more relatable viewpoint of Twilight.
3122348 while I liked this story too, Schemering Sintel was definitely better, particularly in regards to the tense. While I can appreciate a good story written in present tense, it was quite rocky here. Too many places scattered throughout the story where a word or phrase reverted back to past tense, when it shouldn't have, or there was a word missing. I eventually just ignored them though, and I'm glad I did. This is still a good story. I also have to disagree with what Soge said, I would have preferred to know if he recognized her or not, especially because he sees the six pointed Twilight star, maybe that would jog his memory. Or perhaps he didn't. We'll never know, and that bugs me.
But, eh, whatever. 4/5 stars for me, if I could rate it, whereas SS would have been 4.5/5. :-)
I keep reading the title of this fic in Jaqen H'ghar's voice.
Just finished this story and now heading to the "Schemering Sintel". I can honestly tell, that this story was worth every second of your work and every thought and idea of your brain. I love these kinds of story and am very happy when I find some. Im deeply considering to write something down myself now. Sooooo I just want to tell you GOOD JOB !
Yeah and btw If youll kill Spike in that other story, youll make me very angry.
Supposed to be the
thing
5328162
Thanks, fixed.
got an extra space there
Bull. She feeds her animals live protein.
charges