Paul's "Wait! It's Not Thursday!" Reviews · 10:52pm Apr 12th, 2017
Yes, yes, I know. But I realized last week that I'm going to be off on Friday, which means I'm gonna be headed to visit my parents in Louisiana tomorrow. This always means I'll be spending no time whatsoever on pone stuffses, be it writing, reading or blogging. So I figured, why make you guys wait an extra day when I could just post now and be done with it?
Anywho, no time to chitter-chat. I've gotta get some things done today so tomorrow doesn't turn into a rat race. To the reviews!
PS - For those of you wondering about those TBFs at the bottom, I'm trying to revise my linking system so that people can go forward AND backwards, rather than just backwards. This was partially for my own benefit, as I sometimes go looking through my own reviews and there was no means of going forward without keeping the blog list open. Frustrating.
Stories for This Week:
A Hearth's Warming Alone by Scootareader
2+2=5 by plumander
Pest Control by Rust
Big Trouble by Corejo
Cold by Shrink Laureate
Gazing to the Ocean of the Sky by David Silver
Total Word Count: 119,506 Words
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
A Hearth's Warming Alone
4,846 Words
By Scootareader
Requested by randome284
Here we have yet another Scootaorphan fic. I say ‘another’, but I don’t really read a lot of these. Still, when I saw it featured Princess Celestia I became interested, just because it seemed an odd character combination. The concept is pretty basic: Scootaloo is an orphan and it’s Hearth’s Warming. That’s it.
Part of me wants to kick a filly’s rear for not taking the opportunities presented to her near-continuously, and intentionally. Why would she possibly do something so purposeless as this? But then I think about some of the things I refuse to ask for help on, and suddenly I’m not scoffing anymore. Is she being ridiculous? Absolutely. But I suppose stranger things have happened in less realistic situations.
What really gets me is this preposterous idea of “nobody knows”. I mean come on, really? You mean for the past decade she’s managed to successfully keep the fact that she eats out of trash cans and lives in a crumbling shack a secret from all her friends, the town in general… oh, and the Pink One Who Knows Everything About Everyone? Nope, not buying it.
If you can ignore that obvious flaw, however, this is a decent bit of sadfic for those of us looking for one. It brings forth a perspective many of us have trouble with (or so I imagine), and does it well. At times the writing feels a little… shall we say stale? It’s a very direct style that doesn’t work well in terms of emotional energy. Yet despite that, I like what Scootareader is trying to do here. It’s entirely unorthodox. Whereas most Scootaorphan stories would be all about her finding some form of hope, no matter how meager, this one is set in a grisly reality. Just for that unexpected direction, I approve.
In summation, this is a decent and original, if flawed, bit of sadfic. If you’re into that kind of thing, give it a whirl.
Bookshelf: Worth It
This would be the second of plumander’s “1,000 words” stories I’ve read, and it’s no less interesting than the first. In this one, a filly Twilight has been informed by Celestia of the titular equation and left alone to ruminate on it. But little Twilight is flummoxed: something seems wrong with this, but Celestia cannot be wrong. And so she finds herself in a downward spiral as two potential wrongs – logic and faith – battle for dominance within her mind.
Then you get the ending.
It is a philosophical statement? A thought piece? It’s hard to say. What can be said is that it delivers spectacularly. The idea here is great, and setting it in the super-serious mind of a filly Twilight only makes it greater. The delivery is solid, the end result thoughtful.
plumander had my attention with Dead Silent, and this one only solidified my interest. Now I’m thinking about trying one of their longer stories.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Pest Control
4,957 Words
By Rust
Take two parts blatant wish fulfillment, one part epic combat, and a pinch of sheer stupidity. The result is Rust’s Pest Control.
There’s nothing to this story. No, really, I mean it. It’s basically Rust entertaining his/herself by writing an epic fight scene between Luna and Chrysalis taking place immediately after A Canterlot Wedding. That’s it. No lessons learned, no point, no reason to exist other than “I wanted to see Luna kick ass.” Some of you might be alright with that.
I found it blatantly underwhelming. I mean, I’m all for kickass fight scenes, but without having a general purpose and better meaning to it, it’s just violence for violence’s sake. Which is what this is. I might have even let that be, since it seemed like things were at least going to be interesting.
Then Rust pulled something stupid like this:
"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
Yep. Bye bye, respect.
Other errors include spending the first 1,300 words – more than 1/5th of the total story – repeating everything we already know from the ending of A Canterlot Wedding and ending a half-decent fight scene with what may have been the single stupidest finishing move I’ve read in a semi-serious story ever. Just because they’re both blue doesn’t mean it’s legit for Luna to rip off Katana’s fatalities (and not even a good one).
Obvious premise, some terrible stylistic decisions, new ways to ruin decent fights, and no purpose other than wish fulfillment. Sorry, Rust, but this did nothing for me. Sweet Celestia was better than this by far.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Big Trouble
1,036 Words
By Corejo
Recommended by BlazzingInferno
Pre-Crusaders of the Lost Mark cutie mark crusaders and fireworks strapped to a wagon. And that’s about as much as you need to know to get the gist of this story.
There’s really not much to this one. It lays out the situation then lights the fuse. No big mysteries, no moral or lesson learned, just a bit of CMC silliness. Bonus points for making Scootaloo spot-on in her narrative voice. If I had to point out anything unusual about this one, it’s how it depicts Twilight as really not caring that she lost the Golden Oaks Library to Tirek. I’m willing to bet that was a very intentional decision on the author’s part, but I think some people will be put off by it.
Otherwise? An amusing little short. Read it, be entertained, move on.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Cold
4,570 Words
By Shrink Laureate
Requested by yamgoth
This was… complicated.
Cold involves flashbacks of a human doctor’s attempts to understand pony anatomy in between current scenes of him performing an autopsy. There is a growing sense of unease as the story continues, with a constant stream of hints regarding what really happened to the dead pony, who we find the doctor knew personally.
It took me some time to think about it, but I think I know what really happened. It’s certainly damning, although the real question is what, if anything, is going to be done about it. Somepony did something damning, and… I’m honestly not sure if the doctor made that clear to Twilight. One more mystery.
But then, I look at everything we’d seen in the first few flashbacks and wonder if the obvious is nothing more than a red herring. After all, there were some interesting things going on between the doctor and some ponies, and I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t as innocent as it appeared. And then there’s the story’s title. Cold? Who is cold? In what circumstance? Are we talking about the doctor during the autopsy? Or perhaps a more literal form of cold relating to the body he’s working on? Or perhaps it references something deeper, something hidden in all these flashbacks. There’s no way to know; I could be fishing for a literary Moby Dick that exists only in my head.
Part of me liked this story, as it forced me to think about the situation a lot. Any story that requires the reader to flex those brain muscles is alright in my book. However, I can’t help feeling the story was too indirect. As I’ve learned over the years (and am still struggling with), there’s such a thing as too much subtlety, and this story dives right into that limit. I think a slightly revised version with a bit more directness would be appropriate, perhaps at the end. It’s one thing to keep your readers guessing and making them work for an answer, but that’s typically more effective when there’s a distinct binomial set of answers. Or maybe a little more than that.
Point is, I feel this story’s conclusion is far too vague for everything we’ve been given. The story is interesting, for sure, but I read this to solve the mystery. This one leaves too many options open. After so much investment, I’d have liked more closure.
Not bad, but not quite there, either.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Gazing to the Ocean of the Sky
103,097 Words
By David Silver
Completed Story
A story about a seapony exploring Equestria? I have no idea how original this idea is, but I’d never seen it before so I was eager to see what it might bring about. Gazing to the Ocean of the Sky focuses on the seapony Cerulean – or “Cherry” as she’s known to her friends. When she stumbles upon a broken machine designed to explore the ocean floor, she takes it apart and crafts for herself an extra pair of legs (or ‘dry swimmers’) so that she too can walk on dry land.
This story starts off on a high note, particularly in regards to the character of Cherry. Presumably 16 or 17 (she’s regularly referred to in-story as not quite old enough to be an adult), she is gifted with boundless curiosity, enthusiasm and optimism. The result is a cute character who easily draws the reader in with her fascination for all things ‘dry,’ from its ponies to its culture and especially its technology. Cherry is the highlight of this story and certainly worth getting to know.
The story goes through the obligatory “meet Princess Twilight and her friends” routine, but does so in a way that makes these encounters feel more natural by not applying special significance to them. I liked this approach; it made it clear from the get go that while our favorite mares may make some appearances, they are by no means important to the story. This is a big difference from a lot of stories I see where an OC goes through two or three chapters meeting each member of the Mane 6 and getting to know them in intricate detail just for them to be cast aside for the rest of the story. Nice switcheroo, author.
From there, the story goes episodic, detailing a variety of mini-adventures that each take up around 4-6 chapters, and most of which have little bearing on the others. David Silver does a decent job of this, although I think this story would have been better served by having each ‘episode’ be a single chapter. This would have led to, at most, 8,000 words per chapter, and would have been much more effective than the currently existing 1,000-1,500 word snippets we’re forced to wade through.
Unfortunately, there are a number of issues that may push away potential readers. The most apparent is what I would dub ‘amateur’ writing mistakes, which exist from beginning to end for this story. Narrative issues include shifting tenses, wildly changing PoVs, and highly repetitive statements. The worst bit to me was how David Silver seems determined to explain everything we already know in the most telly manner imaginable:
Indigo bobbed his head. He wasn't as invested as the other two were, but he was invested in them. He would not abandon his friends. "Let's do it."
You could take out two of those sentences and not lose a thing. In fact, I’d say you’d be gaining a lot.
Which reminds me of Indigo and Berry, a pair of seaponies who show up later in the story and are far less imaginative on the whole. They essentially boil down to “lovestruck colt” and “silly frienemy”, and their behavior is as predictable as can be. These two were largely uninteresting, and at times I found myself wishing the author had stuck to just having Cherry around.
The last thing I’ll mention that bothered me is the… Wait, is that an ending? Because it doesn’t look like an ending. It looks more like the author said “Dang it, I don’t want to write this anymore,” and so finished the current episode with a half-assed non-conclusion and declared the story done. I might have been okay with this if there had been a sense of rising action or climax, but there’s really nothing to it. It’s just, okay, we finished a long-lasting goal, we’re done, nothing more to see here. After going for over 100,000 words in this thing, it felt disappointingly anticlimactic.
In summation, Gazing to the Ocean of the Sky has a nice starring character and some interesting ideas in general, but its delivery leaves a lot to be desired. From an ending that left me scratching my head in bemusement to a writing style that would make my pre-readers burn out their keyboards with corrections, the issues are too much. A nice try, David, but some development is certainly needed.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
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Thats funny the rating you gave Pest Control. since ObabScribbler did a fic reading of it XD
4494268
*shrugs*
If Scribbler liked it, that's her business. One man's junk is another man's gold.
What you've said about Shrink Laureate's story, which I haven't read, pretty much describes my reaction to the two others of his that I have read. It seems like there's some background context missing which would have a significant effect on interpreting the story, and they're subtle to the point of being ambiguous. Good writer, but I think an outside opinion or two from some beta readers would help alleviate the common problem of the author knowing so much about the story that he can't objectively estimate how much the average reader will be able to figure out.
4494268 scribbler's not known for picking the best of the best. She's known for picking stories that pique her interest for whatever reason, quality being only one of many possibilities. Keep in mind her job in reading them is providing a dramatization, and some stories lend themselves to that especially well, even if they're not particularly good stories in their original written medium. The same is true of movies. You can make an impressive visual showpiece out of a script with mediocre writing.
like this?
4494394
4494629 I... guess? I'm not sure what that's supposed to illustrate. The voice acting is very good, as expected, but the story itself isn't anything special.
Your comments on my story here are quite accurate. When I started writing I fell into the trap of being much too cryptic, so much so that it's just confusing, and as my first story, Cold has that in spades. I'd like to say I've grown out of that, but I still find myself having to rein that tendency back.
Another weakness it shows is the overuse of flashbacks, cutting repeatedly between past and present. That can work as a framing device, but it's very easy to abuse as a lazy crutch.
If you'd like to see what I'm capable of when I'm not falling into those traps, check out Princess Celestia's Private Library.
Anyway, thanks for the thoughtful and honest review.
4767929
The next story I'm scheduled to read by you is Left Behind, but I'd be willing to read Princess Celestia's Private Library first provided it was an actual request.
It's been a while since I read Cold, but I definitely remember it being confusing. I look forward to seeing how your material has improved with time.
4768014
It's up to you. I am not unbiased when it comes to judging my own stories.