A mother brings her daughter to Canterlot, for enrollment in Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Together, they face the future.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 28th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 18th, 2015
Moose Mage
Hello there, friends. I've long admired the artistic branch of the Brony community, so I decided, "You know what? I'm sure no one will mind if I contribute something myself." Let the adventure begin.
Moose Mage
Joined 28th Aug, 2013 ·
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Moose, you put out a new story! And to think, I still haven't gotten around to Mr. Brannigan's Ghosts. Hmm... yup, read later.
Yep, you can expect a review of this soon(ish).
5531373
I look forward to hearing your thoughts, my friend! (And I'm so sorry I haven't yet gotten to Essenza di Amore, which looks splendid. I'll read it, pinkie-promise.)
Wow, it takes a special kind of deadbeat to wait until after his kid is born to bail.
*And at the risk of spoilers...*
It's a shame. You'd think that Celestia taking one of the applicants as her personal student would free up that one remaining spot. Then again, Celestia would still want that filly to mingle with foals her age. And even if it did, the proctors may have been too distracted to notice another possible child prodigy in their midst.
Not bad overall. You treated us to a story about a gifted girl who, due to a host of unfortunate circumstances, lost out on the chance to achieve her full potential. It's sad, maybe even a little tragic, but life goes on nonetheless for these two ponies.
My one issue with the story was at the beginning when Delores was talking to the school's receptionist. Sure, there is a certain etiquette to that interaction, but the dialogue still felt a little too inorganic to me.
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I'm not sure if you intended this, Phazon, but thanks a million for pointing out an unacceptable typo - "the day Delores was born" ought to be "the day April was born." Sorry about that - rather embarrassing.
Anyhow, thanks so much for the read, my friend; it's great to hear your notes (which are considerate and fair, as always). And since this story was a bit of departure for me - less about contention with vast, mysterious forces, and more about the struggles of real life - I'm all the more eager to hear what readers think. Thanks again!
Fabulous. I will remember this one for a long time. So frustratingly sad, and I LOVED the ending.
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Intended? I completely overlooked that error myself!
But hey, no problem. It's just too bad that this has gotten so few views. I suppose all that's left now is to wait for CV's review, which he promises will be "soon(ish)."
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A review, you say?
...
6 weeks? I said "soon" 6 weeks ago?
I am so sorry!
Some thoughts not in the review:
DUDE. I'm prepared to bet ten of my inferior Australian dollars that you took this from this song below.
Even if you didn't, it was the first thing I thought of. This is one of my favourite old songs.
Another note on that:
for Mixed Blood Power. If Dragon Ball Z has taught me anything, it's that hybrids are superior.
I love the "plaster" metaphor you've used.
I'm totally stealing it.(minor edit: suggested corrections made and removed from comment)
Whoa. I totally gasped there as well. Good show.
I notice that you revert to comma splices in Delores' dialogue, but I feel that's deliberate, since she's worked up when it happens.
For the record, I wonder how different the world would be, had April become Celestia's protégé instead of Twilight.
Now, go and write some more amazing horsewords.
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Thank you, Adren. I just read your review, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed this story... but it's really your footnote about my work as a whole that floors me.
Listen - I don't write a lot on this site (or at least, not as much as I used to), I haven't made a single blog post in all my time here, and I seldom get a chance to read the works of other FIM Fiction authors, as is evidenced by my skeletal list of favorites. All that said, I almost feel embarrassed, reading what you have to say about my work - it feels like I can't have possibly done enough to earn the praise you give me. Thank you, all the same; you make me smile, and you make me feel like writing again.
Ah, and I'm much obliged to you for picking up on those typos/errors, which I've just corrected - I have to admit, this is one of those stories I just wrote in a white heat over a couple of days, so I'm ashamed to say that a few more errors than usual slipped through. (Three! Three from you, and a fourth pointed out to me in an earlier comment. I disgust myself.)
Anyway... You're a fantastic friend to me on this site, Adren, and I haven't done nearly as much for you as you have for me. I'm not sure what I'll be writing next, but please know that it's because of people like you that I know there even will be something next. Thanks again, bud.
(Edit: Oh, and I'm sad to say that you'd lose ten of those perfectly respectable Australian dollars on that bet of yours - I've never heard of this song before. But I do like it; and what an eerie similarity, indeed.)
You should submit this to Equestria Daily. Really. You should. And The Royal Guard, while you're at it.
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Seconded.
Wait, the Royal Guard? Where was this idea of yours last year with Tutelage? I had to pitch the idea to Moose, and we're still waiting for it to get featured/inducted. The group probably has a decent backlog, so I still think it's a matter of when, not if.
Moose, you did submit Tutelage to the Royal Guard, right?
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Hi again, Phazon - yup, at your suggestion, I did indeed submit Tutelage to the Royal Guard. I can't remember exactly how long it's been since, but I'd wager it's been a little over two, maybe three months. So, we'll see what we'll see. But you know, until I hear whether or not Tutelage made the cut, I think I'll hold off on submitting Those Who Live Forever; somehow, it feels like bad form to add more than one of my own stories to the heap. (I'm not sure if this is a common stance, or if I'm being faintly ridiculous, but I'd rather not take the chance.)
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I know that Equestria Daily only like one story per author in the queue, however the Royal Guard have no such restrictions. As long as you submit no more than one story to them per week, they don't care how many you have in the queue. In fact, for quite a few weeks in a row, one particular user was being featured every post, up to two stories a fortnight.
Go for it, man. The guard is being fairly slow at the moment, but I and a few others have recently applied to swell their ranks and help speed up the process a little.
Cerulean Voice lead me here, and he was right in doing so - this was a very good story.
I agree - you should totally submit this story to Equestria Daily if you haven't already.
I wrote a review of this story; it can be found here.
This story was so painfully sad. Beautifully written, yet so bitter to read. I wanted to cry for April. She deserves something special. Oh, this sad sad story... And poor Dolores, too. What a horrible way for things to turn out. So unfair. So unfair.....
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Hi there, Titanium (or Mr. Dragon, whatever you prefer). I hope you won't feel too uncomfortable if I take a moment to thank your profusely for your review. I've got to tell you, I'm not too accustomed to opening up FIM Fiction and seeing anything more than zero-to-one items in my notifications box. So, I have you to thank for the heart attack I had today when I logged on (a sweet, sweet heart attack). In absolute truth, I'm still sort of in a state of shock. I guess all I can say is, thank you kindly, and boy am I glad that you caught wind of the story through Cerulean Voice - and, of course, that you ended up liking it. Maybe I'll give EQD a try, after all...
Now, I must immediately set about reading some of your own work. (I'm afraid I've been a terribly inactive reader on this site for the past few years, for which I apologize to everyone.) If you ever end up reading anything else of mine - don't worry, I fully appreciate the current vastness of your Read Later list - I'd love to hear your thoughts. Take care, my friend.
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You're welcome! I'm glad I had such a positive impact.
I added both of your other stories to my read later list. Hopefully I'll get around to them sooner rather than later, but, well, it is a bit crowded.
I have a suggestion for you:
Someone in the comments of my reviews noted that they'd seen Cerulean Voice talk about it, and seen it before elsewhere by someone (probably also CV, probably on Skype), and never read it because the description didn't seem that interesting to them. Seeing the opening paragraphs of the story hooked them, and it was what convinced me to keep reading through to the end.
I'd consider changing your long story summary to the first few paragraphs of your story:
I'd also consider changing your short summary to this:
That should fit in the character limit.
Just a thought. It would be especially useful for submitting it to Equestria Daily, as I think that would be more likely to get you more eyes from them, I think. Your prose is very pretty and makes very big promises for the story being interesting, while the summary you have doesn't seem to be nearly as outstanding.
I got a little misty eyed at that one. I'm glad I read it. This story deserves more praise.
5795672
Thank you! I hope you enjoy whatever you end up reading from my list. Were you looking for recommendations?
The same to you. If you have any thoughts on my stories, feel free to express them.
And if/when I do read anything more of yours, I'll be sure to let you know. I actually review most everything I read - in fact, half of why I started reviewing stories was because I realized I kept adding stories to my "read later" list and never actually reading them. I decided that if I started doing reviews, then every time I read enough stories, I'd have a blog post to share with folks, and be able to share the stories I liked and disliked. So you'll most likely get another review when I get around to your other works.
5795893
You know, that's a really good idea. I originally intended for the description to be as minimal as possible, hoping to heed that old saying, "Promise a little, deliver a lot." But based on your reaction, it seems that maybe the current description promises a bit too little. Yup, some revisions are probably in order. I'll toy around with incorporating those first few paragraphs, which I'm happy and grateful to hear you liked. (Although, I think I'd still like to include something about April's enrollment at Celestia's school. For me, at least, I'd feel a little tentative about offering a description that doesn't mention the action of the story; I just wouldn't want to mislead anyone who gives it a click.)
Thanks for the suggestion, Titanium - I love getting down to brass tacks like this, especially with people who've read my work. A third eye is always welcome. Greatly obliged!
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I certainly look forward to any possible/eventual reviews! And that's quite an efficient system you've got going there, following everything you read with a review; you're a better man than I. (Or lady - beg pardon, I don't mean to presume.)
Ah, and if there was a story of yours that you had in mind to recommend - say, if you were forced at gunpoint to delete every story on your account but one - I'd love to hear which you were thinking of. Thanks!
So... Twilight accidentally "ruined" April's life... Harsh. Makes you wonder how other stories like that are out there.
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The story is about the unfairness of life, really, and I think that the start of the story captures the mood very well.
If you REALLY want to include the thing about the exam (which, I suppose, is fair), one possibility would be something along the lines of (though in your own words):
Or something along those lines.
I'd still just leave the short description being the first two lines, as they're really grabbing, and they'd see the full description when they clicked on the story regardless. The short description just has to be enough to get their eyes onto the main story page, where the long description can work its magic. You don't need to completely describe the story in the short description, just get people's attention.
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It wasn't always that way. I'm up to being the sixth most prolific reviewer at this point; I'll probably be in 4th place within a week.
Delete every story but one?
Well, I'd probably have to leave up The Collected Poems of Maud Pie in that case. But that's a bunch of modernist rock poetry; it is hardly representative of my work. It is what got me inducted into the Royal Canterlot Library, though, so is probably my most-praised piece. It is also quite short - 1,017 words across 20 poems.
The Butterfly's Burden is debatably the story I'm most proud of; it is a kind of melancholy piece about Fluttershy being faced with the burden of how to deal with Discord during the middle of season 4. Some folks have said it is their favorite Fluttershy piece, which is pretty high praise, but it isn't a perfect story; in particular, it is a single unbroken piece (it should probably be three chapters) and it has an abundance of semicolons. It clocks in at about 10,000 words.
If you want to commit to something shorter and you want something tragic, Rose Petals has been described as a "punch to the gut followed by a knife to the back"; it clocks in at about 2,400 words.
If you like faux Native-American folklore, The Legend of Falling Rocks, Buffalo Brave is a collection of three short stories told in the style of Native American mythology. It was featured on Equestria daily, and all three put together add up to about 2,900 words.
One of my great loves is shipfics. Nine of my stories are shipfics, though it is actually a much greater number than that as one of those is a collection of short stories.
The best of them is probably either Temptation, which is a 3,000 word story about Rarity debating whether or not she should kiss Applejack, and The Stolen Date, which is a 16,400 word novelette about Rainbow Dash taking the place of a blind date for Fluttershy, in order to protect Fluttershy from "some weirdo". That being said, Through Glass is the only one of my shipfics to have been featured on Equestria Daily; it is about Rarity helping a beautiful mare pick out the perfect hat in her boutique, and comes in at about 2,100 words.
If you just wanted to read a random grab-bag of stories, Famous Last Words is probably your best bet; it is three short stories, each about 750 words long.
Really, it depends on what you like. I write a pretty wide gamut of things, and it is usually better to suggest stories that people might actually like to people than it is to suggest what I think is my best story, because frankly, the stories I enjoy reading the most of my own are not really my "best" stories but the ones which have the most basic appeal to me.
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I would also like to add a suggestion. A comment from PresentPerfect on my review, as well as TD's own thoughts on his review, both show that the characters' names are a potential turnoff. I might be putting words in TD's mouth here, but I feel like he might have given it the elusive and prestigious Highly Recommended score if their names fit more with the canon universe. Dolores and April just aren't very "pony" names, so unless you have a special or significant personal reason to keep them, I do suggest a change.
I'll leave it up to you, Moose. That's my take, though. While I didn't mention it on my own review, in hindsight, with this being a shared opinion between two veteran reviewers, they might be right.
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It wouldn't have changed my evaluation of the story. It is a potential turnoff for people, though.
5796436
I dunno, "April Clouds" is pretty ponyesque. No argument about Dolores, though.
I read this Saturday when I was barely awake. I will say that the sad tag does fit, but it never really hit me all that hard. Yes, dreams were crushed, and dreams for one's child, but dreams can be found again, and discovered in ways you wouldn't believe. I really liked the ending, though. Delores felt like a mother throughout, and that's good. It's rare to find good stories about mothers and their children. Kudos.
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One name: Pinkamena Diane Pie
Perhaps Delores was a middle sister, and got saddled with the name to tell them apart. Or something.
Well done! I'm adding this to groups to spread it around. :)
This didn't sit too well with me. Yes, it's a sad story. But the number of stupid things that had to add together for the "sad" ending to take place are rather absurd. Incompetent admissions officers and a terrible admissions process- if a school's cutoff is the merely gifted, there's no way they'd turn down a Jacobi even if the so-called "last" spot was taken by a Gauss. The apparent lack of any other institution capable of providing a quality education to talented unicorns. The inability to get any strings pulled by Cribbs, or any continued private tutoring- as someone who teaches gifted math students for a living, it would not be hard to find several friends and colleagues willing to donate a few hours of their time every month to a potential Jacobi without any monetary compensation. Delores' inability to say something about it to Celestia in their meeting. Celestia not bothering to inquire further about the extraordinary circumstances that would lead a mare to the library in a deserted castle in a dangerous forest.
The story made a good attempt to tug at the heartstrings, but the number of idiot balls required in the effort greatly reduced the impact.
I should never have read this, particularly with how I've been feeling lately.
It's not that it's a bad story, per se, and certainly not that it was poorly written in any way (although I do agree with all the points 5799236 made). In fact, it was written in such a fashion as to have an inordinately powerful impact on me. It's just that it . . . hurts . . . imagining a child with that much raw talent, that much promise . . . you know?
I would only hope that Twilight would have sensed the latent ability April displayed when catching both the pitcher and airborne spilled water, and would have probed the young adult's potential and, having done so, offered her the training and lessons she should have been proffered when she was younger.
::sadly sighs::
One can only hope.
5799987
That's the idea.
"A glimmer of hope in the black," so to speak.
Holy cow, Moose. Three times the ratings and twice the views in a matter of two days!
I'm happy for ya.
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Thanks so much, Adren! I'm still expecting to wake up at any moment. Really, I have you and Titanium Dragon to thank. I'm pretty sure the views on this thing would never have broken 200 if it weren't for you guys (just as I'm convinced that The Tutelage of Star Swirl would never have gotten past a few hundred views if you hadn't given it your early support). Those Who Live Forever even earned me my first dislikes! I know I shouldn't be too proud of that, but dangit, I'm in a celebratory mood.
On the whole, I enjoyed this and thought that it hit the emotional beats it was meant to. However, I'd like to add my voice to a couple of lines of criticism playing out here. First, I agree that the names are a little distracting; Dolores and April could stay (maybe it's a regional thing, a la the Pies), but I'd really suggest giving Miranda, at least, a pony name. Second, Emil's points, to which I would add Dolores's and April's poor decision to only apply in the last year she had a chance, given the implication that next year would have been an option if April weren't hitting the age ceiling. That point would have been salient (after all, the ponies in focus are seemingly far from the big cities, and don't come across as very sophisticated) were it not for the presence of Cribbs, although I suppose it's possible he only began tutoring her very recently.
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Who knew I had the ability to give a story 140 views?
I'm sure I will only use this power responsibly.
Just ignore the maniacal cackling you're hearing in the background. It is nothing to worry about.
They kinda both got shafted here. April lost out on the chance to study magic with the best, and Twilight never got the chance to befriend the one filly in Equestria who could keep up with her. Trixie and Sunset probably come close, but they're both jerks and pompous bullies, especially when they were younger.
Ack! I knew Twilight was going to crash their party! However, I did not see Celestia crashing it as well.
I have the feeling this story is written from personal experience, and I say this because it carries its lesson--which is not a nice one--all the way through to the end. Life is unfair, and sometimes the role you are given in it is a little one, and there is nothing you can do about it. An author who knew this simply as a platitude would, I think, lose the courage to deny April and her mother their dreams. Though perhaps I am wrong.
Either way, beautifully done Moose Mage.
5796436
I see my words precede me. :B
Yes, if there's anything I want to know about this story it's "why the names?" "April Cloud" is definitely pony... but would also fit a pegasus more. (Though I can at least tell where the surname came from; I'm simply unused to pony names working that way!) To say nothing of "Delores" or "Miranda".
5827491
If you're even the slightest bit put off by it now, you're not going to like the names Argus Brannigan or Arthur Brendel.
5804387>>5796441>>5796436
This seems to be the most common complaint of this story, the names not being pony-esque enough. I actually brought it up in another story of Moose's, and he tried to explain his rationale behind OC names to me. Whether or not you consider it an adequate explanation is up to you. Personally, I liked his stories too much to care one way or the other about the names, and to be fair to this story, the names are close enough to pony-esque that Moose can get away with it (April Clouds is pretty pony as it is, and a reasonable name for a pegasus mother to come up with. As for Delores, it's based on or at least sounds similar to the Latin word for pain, but even then any symbolism/relevance is tenuous at best.).
Goddammit.
I wish the story continued after this. It feels like there's a big gaping hole that needs to be mended. It's selfish of me to want a story to turn out alright, as good as a real life one, but it's been a while since I felt this way and I don't care.
Just seeing Dolores vent her feelings to Celestia would have been nice. Am I to assume that Twilight can fix things from here?
This story makes me upset, which I know is the intention, but I'm immensely frustrated that the issue hadn't been pressed further. Would it have compromised the integrity of the story to have Dolores tell the truth about her feelings to Celestia? It doesn't seem in character that she would be so persistent in pushing for another chance for April to take that exam, and look for books to help her, only to fold when she hears the princess praise Twilight. April could still fail to get in; Celestia could give condolences and explain why things wouldn't work from there.
Also, I'm wondering if we're supposed to infer that Twilight notices how talented April is and initiates the conversation from there, even though nothing about that last interaction suggests that Twilight notices her talent. And what is the point of the "everyone lives forever" motif? The only conclusion I can draw is that it's a lie, a coping mechanism ponies who have nothing tell themselves to get by.
Sorry if I'm questioning your vision too much, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are stupidly oblivious to another's suffering and I'm not really seeing a reason why this has to be the case for Twilight and Celestia here.
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Hi there, Solitair - First off, I'd like to profusely apologize for letting about six hundred years slip by before replying to your comment. Really, I have no good excuse. Shame on me. Anyhow, thanks so much for the favorite! And of course, I always welcome thoughtful comments of any kind on my stories. Please, never feel like you're "questioning my vision" by sharing your feelings (although it's very considerate of you to think along those lines).
You bring up important points, the most significant one probably concerning Delores in the penultimate scene. I think your incredulity at her actions is totally fair - it takes Delores a certain amount of steel to go as far as she does, but when Celestia steps onto the scene, that steel dissipates. (From here on out, a warning to other readers: Here be minor spoilers.)
Let me try to explain my thinking: Throughout the story, Delores is fighting an uphill battle, and she knows it. Even before she steps into the registrar's office, she was probably losing sleep over how to pay for this fancy school (I mean, she owns a diner, for God's sake), and as the story goes on, the ground she's battling on steadily crumbles away. By the time Delores finds herself face to face with Celestia, the final, absurd hope she has for her daughter - bringing her unusual books - is taken away from her. When Celestia snatches the book that Delores had set her sights on, that's when (in my mind, at least) Delores knows, in her heart of hearts, that she's beaten, without a square foot of ground left to stand on. After all that's happened, I can imagine such a feeling to be absolutely crushing. And of course, Delores is clearly in awe of Celestia, which would make any sort of articulate confrontation almost impossible.
And even if all these emotional factors were removed, let's consider one more thing. Delores is a capable, independent creature, yes; and as a result, she can be proud. (This was part of why I chose to give her a bit of haughty disdain for cities, as well as some calculated disinterest when Twilight appears.) Asking Celestia for a second chance isn't like asking the registrar for an exam spot. With the registrar, Delores was negotiating. But if Delores did take her cause to Celestia, I think the result would've been a bit too much like begging for her to stomach.
Ultimately, though, you're right. The logical thing for Delores to do would've been to bring her case to Celestia, and demand reconsideration in the face of extraordinary events. And you're right, it's frustrating that Delores doesn't do so. I've read several comments below that have taken issue with other seemingly illogical aspects of this story. However, for me, at least, this story was never about logical truth, especially not in the scene between Delores and Celestia. In this story, emotional truth holds sway, not logical truth. On another comment below, a user called Emil mentions that the number of "idiot balls" rolling around in this story (unrealistic plot points) reduces the impact. I would counter, however, that those "idiot balls" make the story possible. They create conflict, and they offer emotional truth to both the characters and the readers, via hopelessness and frustration.
And in any case, I think you're right to point out that the ending isn't necessarily tragic. Who knows? If Twilight's impressed, maybe there's a future for April yet. And even if that's not so, and April's future is her mom's diner, you know what? I don't think that's a tragedy. If every person on earth who's given up dreams were to spend their lives crying about it, we'd all drown.
Anyway - I hope you can forgive this rather long and over-written defense of Those Who Live Forever. As I always say, you can't argue with the audience, and that's certainly not what I mean to do here; just to respond. Thanks again for the read, my friend, and hopefully I'll see you around.
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You know, after I posted that comment, I started looking at the story from another angle: What does April want? I mean, really want?
The viewpoint of this story is firmly locked into Delores's mind, and it occurred to me that the dream of April getting into a school where her talents can be truly appreciated is Delores's dream. Yes, April acts upset and hopeful at the right points in the story, but is that really because she's personally invested in attending Celestia's school or because she loves her mother and wants to see her happy?
Just because she has the talent to enter into the best school doesn't mean she would be happy with school life. I did so well in high school and before that I got acceptance letters from places like Yale, and yet college life kicked my ass and left me with a dead-end GPA. Running a diner is something April knows she can excel at, and the rural environment around it is one she's comfortable in. Delores's disdain for cities might have rubbed off on April, and made life at the school even more miserable.
Being privately tutored by Twilight might just be the best option for her after all. If I wanted to be ridiculous, I'd suggest that April used powers she hid from Delores to manipulate events to this fortuitous conclusion, all according to keikaku. It's a silly idea, but I felt like a I needed a laugh after reading this.
6035611
Definitely - I think you're absolutely right about April. Getting accepted into Celestia's school was really Delores's dream from the start; and April herself never seems to have the single-mindedness or determination of her mother. You're quite right to point out that April is young, and maybe is just trying to please Mom.
Now that's a fun idea - that April might've been using her powers to secretly twist circumstances, so she wouldn't have to go to Celestia's school at all. I kid you not, if that had occurred to me before I started writing, I might very well have tried a draft of Those Who Live Forever from April's view. (Certainly, that would have made for a story with a few more laughs.)
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Keep in mind that many names we consider jarringly non-pony have alternate meanings that can enhance a story if carefully used. Examples:
Miranda is a Latin name meaning "worthy of admiration". Dolores is Spanish for 'sorrows'. "April Clouds" brings to mind the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" which is an expression of hope.
Of course alternate name meanings can get too obscure. *cough*Mr. Brannigan*cough*
I kept expecting Delores to punch someone in the face.
Good read.
Hey there! GMP here, on behalf of the Everfree Northwest Fanfic Team. I wanted to let you know that your story was featured in our latest Fanfic Spotlight post!
You can check it out here.
In addition, I have also spotlighted this story on my Fimfic blog, which you can check out here.
Congratulations, and thank you for sharing such a wonderful story with the community. Well done!
Cheers!
GMP
Thank you for writing this, it was excellent.
You can has review!