Paul's Thursday Reviews CXLXI · 1:03am Mar 1st, 2019
Sorry, folks, no speechifying today. Real life is providing a lot of interference, in both good and bad ways, and I need to finish this up quick and get back to it. Maybe I’ll post a blog this weekend to make up for it.
For now? Reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Purple Prose, or A Night at the Clopera by Bradel
Tick by billymorph
Angel Crashes a Wedding by Prak
The Game of Thrones, Alicorn Style by RK_Striker_JK_5
What's Under the Ground... by Sorren
The Little Mermare by AbsoluteAnonymous
Get Thyselves a Room by An Unimpressive
Shimmer by Autumn Wind
The Last Conversation by Sidral Mundet
Don't Look at the Fog by SpitFlame
Total Word Count: 62,618
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 6
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Purple Prose, or A Night at the Clopera
5,671 Words
By Bradel
Pre-alicornication Twilight Sparkle wakes up one morning after having a dream visit from Luna. Which, on its own, was perfectly normal. But then a random thought involving the Princess of the Night seeds something far less… ‘decent’, and now the idea won’t get out of her head. Twilight soon realizes what will happen if she falls asleep with these naughty ideas, and so endeavors to stay awake as long as possible for the seductive thoughts to go away.
This bit of Tuna shipping fuel was a lot of fun to read. Amusingly, Luna herself has a minimal presence in the story; the vast majority focuses on Twilight’s determined, desperate effort to stay awake and bleed the thoughts out of her skull via writing. Along the way we get Pinkie delivering unintentional double entendres and Rarity trying to be a good friend provided it doesn’t interfere with her beauty sleep. Poor Spike, that guy puts up with so much…
This story will entertain the shippers. It may also work well for those seeking a good chuckle at Twilight’s expense. Everyone else? Eh, your mileage may vary. I for one thoroughly enjoyed Twilight’s frustrations and the little side-events that it leads to. My only real complaint is the conclusion, which turns this from a simple shipping comedy to a “Twilight gets all the princesses” joke… but not before Celestia gets all mother bear regarding Twilight’s choice of fantasy targets. Which I don’t understand at all.
Still, a fun little romp for the shippers in the FIMFiction community.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Twilight Sparkle Investigates — Pretty Good
Tick
1,305 Words
By billymorph
Queen Twilight Sparkle has built a giant machine that is intended to save the world by sending her much younger self through a time loop. But the young Twilight fails. She fails a lot. She’s had enough of failing.
Clearly an expanded version of a Writeoff minific entry, this story has some good ideas but not enough time to get them down. I’m sorry to say the expansion of the story was nowhere near enough to let it reach its full potential, although it’s a vast improvement over what the Writeoff wordcount limit originally forced billymorph into.
None of which is to say the story is bad. It’s not. It’s really good for the short length, and I can see why it was a finalist. It’s all about defiance of fate and finding alternate options. One does have to question how Twilight is even sane in this story, but y’know, details. The only serious thing standing against this story is that it’s been done before – quite often, in fact – and it doesn’t have anything in particular to help it stand out amongst the crowd.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Jet Powered Pegasus — Pretty Good
Angel Crashes a Wedding
1,925 Words
By Prak
I’ve never liked the idea of Angel being a OP powerhouse, specifically because lots of people use it in otherwise perfectly serious stories. That is to say, inappropriately. But this? I can get behind this.
Basically, Angel refuses to let Big Mac marry Fluttershy unless he can defeat him in one-on-one combat. What follows is the biggest, toughest stallion in Ponyville getting his ass handed to him by a rabbit. It’s dumb, silly nonsense, and what more did anyone expect?
There’s not much else to say. Prak wrote this for the fun of it, so read it for the same reason. Do that and you’ll come away with a smile on your face.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Killing Time — Pretty Good
The Game of Thrones, Alicorn Style
1,452 Words
By RK_Striker_JK_5
In this bout of nonsense, Twilight is invited to participate in a game regularly put on by her fellow princesses: the Game of Thrones. It’s not half as serious as Luna and Celestia make it out to be.
This story is at once silly and at the same time a little sweet. For those of you wondering, it has absolutely nothing to do with the George R.R. Martin series. It’s basically just the princesses wanting to have a little fun but running into a problem now that there are four players. The only issue I have with the story is that it would have been a lot more fun if we’d seen the results of her proposed solution and witnessed at least one game in-action. But meh, it’s a small thing.
Read it if you feel like having a little royal fun.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Twilight the Terrible — Worth It
What's Under the Ground...
17,116 Words
By Sorren
When Daring Do hears tale of an unnamed temple from which no explorer has ever escaped, she can’t help but be intrigued. No ancient ruin has ever bested her, so she heads on in with every expectation of finding the stories to be a bunch of bologna. She’s never been more wrong.
It’s Lara Croft/Indiana Jones vs. semi-Lovecraftian horrors in this dark tale. The villain is never actually seen, although a general description is eventually offered. Daring quickly finds herself trapped in a maze of tunnels that literally change and shift in the blink of an eye. As the story goes on and she struggles to both survive and save another from the depths, her sanity and determination are tested to their limits. She is found… wanting.
I love the concept here, especially the way Sorren attempts to portray a mind gradually succumbing to madness, fear, and depression. The author tries very hard to create a sense of hopelessness and defeat, and to a certain degree succeeds. I say “to a certain degree” because for every success they have they also fail quite spectacularly. A great example is when Daring enters a room full of skeletons, which runs something like this: “Daring entered a room. It was full of skeletons. She screamed. Moving on with the story now.” Yeah, you’re not going to get anyone jumping out their seats with that level of detail, Sorren.
Other places felt like missed opportunities. In one scene, Daring finds herself trapped in a room of sacrificial rituals, complete with a corpse still bound to an altar. Except you only get that one mention of said corpse, and then it never comes up again. Way to not use the resources at your disposal, author. And this after an excellent cliffhanger detailing the room, the treasure, the stains, the altar, and so on. That cliffhanger was pretty decent in its delivery.
Which brings about the point of frustration. Clearly Sorren can get visual and atmospheric when they want to. It just seems the desire to be so flicks off and on at random. Still, credit where it’s due: when Sorren decides to take the atmosphere up a notch, they tend to do so with suitable skill.
The only other issue I have is that this story doesn't feel like any sort of achievement for Daring. She doesn’t solve the puzzle, uncover the mystery, and make the impossible happen. When the climax comes, it’s not because of any logical reason. The thing said to be impossible for the entire story just… happens. Because the author said so. Which isn’t much of a reason.
To conclude, this is a story with a solid premise and some off-and-on good deliveries depending on the scene. The plot is weak overall but makes up for it somewhat with a decent bit of drama and danger, and the gradual change that comes over Daring from beginning to end is excellent. It’s by no means the best dark story I’ve read on this site, but it’s no slouch.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Mistakes Best Not Remembered — Pretty Good
The Little Mermare
6,141 Words
By AbsoluteAnonymous
Alternate Title: You’ll Float, Too
There’s a reason Lyra Heartstrings has such odd behavior: she’s a kelpie. Kelpies aren’t exactly welcome in Equestria, and for good reason, but she’s been able to hide what she is for centuries. It’s not so bad. She’s got her music. She’s got her lake, even if she has to keep away from it all day in order to keep up appearances. If only she wasn’t always so hideously… ravenously… hungry.
This is a pretty dark one for this author. It is, for all intents and purposes, a horror story as told by the horror itself. Lyra’s activities and what they mean for Ponyville are indeed disturbing, and one can only wonder how long she’ll be at it before someone finally puts the pieces together.
There’s really only one catch, which is that AA tends to linger too long on the wrong things. There’s a moment when Lyra’s supposed to be feeding, but instead of doing that we get a long tangent about her preferences for feeding and how terrible it’s been going without for decades. All that time I thought she was in the midst of eating, but then the tangent ends and we find out, no, she’s just been sitting there thinking about her indescribable need without doing anything about it.
From the moment the food touches the water, the focus should have been on the deed. Horror through demonstration, mood, and atmosphere. Lingering for 500 words on why cows are a poor substitute and livers taste like crap is not the way you instill terror in your readers. All the things that would have best kept the mood at a premium were effectively skimmed. And considering exactly what she’s eating, that’s a big opportunity wasted.
Despite that, this is an interesting piece taking on the introduction of a monster living amongst the ponies. As one who loves horror and sad stories, it definitely hit the spot, even if it did so with kiddie gloves instead of a surgeon’s knife. Another good one from AA.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Home Grown — WHYRTY?
Pinkie Watches Paint Dry — WHYRTY?
The Little Pink Pony — WHYRTY?
Magical Pony Ultrasounds — Pretty Good
Where You Can't Follow — Pretty Good
Get Thyselves a Room
5,183 Words
By An Unimpressive
It’s been months since Luna has had a good night’s sleep or properly protected the dreams of her citizens. Why? Because every time she tries, Applejack’s and Rainbow’s wet dreams about one another take center stage. They are so strong, so prominent, that she can’t stop them from showing up. It’s driving her insane, and so she finally decides to do something about it.
This bit of silly shipping nonsense works well for its overall methods. Every shipper enjoys a bit of teasing and frustration because two ponies just won’t do what they need to do (especially if it’s each other). An Unimpressive applies a few extremes to the story though, most notable being Luna’s overdone speaking patterns. If she didn’t speak this way in the show (and she doesn’t), it doesn’t belong in fanfiction. Then again, with the ridiculousness of some of the events (Rainbow’s “super-spy” dream being a highlight), perhaps it’s not so bad as all that. I mean, who is going to take this story seriously, anyway?
I had plenty of fun with this one, and I imagine most shippers will too. Just remember that everything in it is silly nonsense and you’ll be fine.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Shimmer
8,529 Words
By Autumn Wind
Amethyst Star – or Sparkler as Autumn Wind chose to call her for this story – visits Cheerilee late at night with a need to tell somepony a secret. It involves her adoptive family and where she really comes from. Cheerilee wasn’t expecting something so dark.
This story’s premise is not something I’ve seen before in MLP fanfiction: that Dinky and Amethyst are blood-related and both adopted by Ditzy/Derpy. It may not be the most original idea in the history of ever, but for this particular family it’s new enough to have my interest. The story runs with themes of domestic abuse, so early warning there.
Alas, the story fails to enforce the gravitas of the situation. Oh, the characters all react appropriately, but the atmosphere is stymied by needless extrapolations. Autumn Wind could have simply shown Amethyst getting home to witness her mother going berserk. Amethyst’s reaction here, how she behaved, would have told us everything we needed to know. Instead we are given lengthy descriptions of her home and school life both before and during the events that are supposed to be the most riveting and heartbreaking. To make matters worse, the author keeps jumping back to tiny tangents so we can get Miss Cheerilee’s reactions to the events, which universally proved more distracting than helpful to the mood.
There are also a few plot slip ups. The biggest example is when Amethyst wakes up on a couch to find Ditzy “gently rocking her little sister to sleep”, only to turn around a few sentences later and ask where her sister is and if she’s okay, which then leads to said little sister being in an entirely different location than previously described. These events were rare, but when they did pop up they killed immersion.
But not so much as the narrative mistakes. This is supposed to be a story told from the perspective of Amethyst (and occasionally Cheerilee). So how is it Amethyst somehow knows what Ditzy’s emotions and thoughts are?
The story also overstays its welcome. The most important parts of the story are over before it’s even 1/3 of the way in. The rest of it is a lot of superfluous details that might make the situation clearer, but don’t really add to the story’s overall purpose. We don’t need to know the specifics behind why they moved to Ponyville or the legal bits.
Last but not least, I don’t think the Cheerilee parts helped much. Not the frequent jumps back to the present, although those play a part in it. What I really mean is that I think the story would have had more impact if it had come entirely from Amethyst’s mind from beginning to end. What did the Cheerilee-centric parts do for the story? I’m not seeing anything. Even the opening about Cheerilee grading papers didn’t connect with the rest of the story much beyond setting the scene, and it had everything it needed to do so.
I like what Autumn Wind is trying to do with this one. It had all the potential to be an emotional powerhouse. Sadly, Autumn Wind took too many extra steps and made a few too many mistakes to really achieve the goal. With some tweaking this could have been a gem among sadfics, but as is?
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Tale of the Three Alicorn Sisters — Worth It
The Last Conversation
2,047 Words
By Sidral Mundet
Sidral Mundet uses this story to explain their headcanon regarding Sunset’s leaving Celestia and Equestria. It basically has Sunset leave because she thought Twilight Sparkle was to be her replacement.
It’s, to be succinct, shallow. If I were forced to choose another word, it would be “sloppy”.
The story is extrapolative and telly in the extreme. It practically begins with a winded description of who Sunset is, as if none of us already know, then proceeds to leap into Celestia and Sunset’s argument. And, as this author has been known to do, it’s all so very direct, with little to no attention paid to atmosphere or pacing. Follow that up with a series of word choice mistakes (“hare” instead if “hair”, for example) and weird narrative slips like this one:
“Cadence must have told Sunset”, Celesita thought. “She’s dating Twilight’s brother so it would be only natural for him to tell Cadence all about Twilight’s acceptance. Cadence had probably just bumping into Sunset and started up some small talk. ‘Hi Sunset, so are you excited to have a fellow classmate?’ or something like that,” Celestia imagined Cadence saying to Sunset in passing.
Ignore the many grammar mistakes and just try to correlate those last twelve words with the rest of the paragraph.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to establish some headcanon, but Sidral Mundet needs a large number of fixes to make this recommendable. I’d suggest some more aggressive pre-readers and editors for starters. It’s a shame, I had hoped reading something more recent by this author would show a marked improvement in the writing, but that is not the case.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Short Mane Fluttershy — Worth It
Just Buck Already — Needs Work
Don't Look at the Fog
13,249 Words
By SpitFlame
Requested by SpitFlame
Twilight wakes up. And… And what? She has no idea. All she knows is that her memories are fuzzy, Ponyville is completely deserted, and there’s a thick fog everywhere. With her thoughts jumbled and disorganized, she tries to make sense of this new reality.
This one certainly qualifies as ‘Weird’ fiction, i.e. the kind of story where the questions are more important than the answers. That being said, I hesitate to call it a ‘horror’ story. I was at no point scared or disturbed by the events Twilight was facing. My best comparison is to playing a Silent Hill game, but minus the creepy monsters, freaky scenery, or intense psychological impact. Amnesia: The Dark Descent would also compare favorably.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Don’t Look at the Fog is a bad story. I’m simply saying it doesn’t have what I would consider frightening elements. It is clear from the comments in the story that some people find it truly unsettling and creepy, and that’s fine. Every person has something that affects them. This just isn’t it for me. I place it at around a 2.5/10 on my Weird Shit-O-Meter.
That being said, the story is certainly effective in its manner. Twilight’s confusion and struggle to even form straight, simple thoughts fill the story with a constant confusion. This is undoubtedly intentional, and yet it fails to prevent the gradual unravelling of the mystery. It’s a balancing act of nonsense and plot development, and while I’d wager Spitflame leaned a little too close to nonsense, the balance is generally well-kept.
Even so, the ‘Need-To-Know’ crowd will find this appalling. Something resembling an answer is given, but the answer itself creates tons of new questions. You will receive no answers to them. The story hardly feels ‘resolved’ at all, as it has been made clear that things will continue without solution for the foreseeable future. Even the proposed victory Twilight sees herself as having achieved is nebulous and unclear.
Ultimately, opinions for this story will be highly subjective. Some will love its dodgy, illogical maneuvering. Others will love it for being ‘different’. I find myself on the middle ground, but leaning more in favor of the story. The only part that I think counts as a proper black mark against it is SpitFlame’s awkward word use in numerous instances, especially in the opening half. For example:
With a jolt Twilight flew back from the table, in extreme trepidation.
So she moved fast and was paralyzed and slow at the same time? Quite the trick.
Twilight began calling out, but in a low voice, which echoed out unimpressively.
What on Earth does that mean, “echoed out unimpressively”?
...with a burst of renewed energy, Twilight decidedly set off at once…
Because somehow “burst of renewed energy”, “decidedly”, and “at once” aren’t being redundant?
As I said, weird word choices and phraseology. SpitFlame layers on extra descriptions, adjectives and adverbs as if the sheer quantity will make the verbs and nouns all the more pronounced, and sometimes does so in ways that seem contradictory. It’s far more distracting than it is engrossing, and didn’t help my immersion at all.
But that was the only serious issue I had. Generally speaking, this is a great story for those seeking a Lovecraftian mystery. It’s got the unknown and the troubling and works heavily on themes of isolation and confusion. Not a bad show, but it won’t be for everyone.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Civil Distinction — Worth It
Elements of Honor — Worth It
Consoles vs. PC (Princess Edition) — None
Stories for Next Week:
Bing Bang Zam! by Pegasus Rescue Brigade
Mark Misconception by scifipony
Let Me Cry by jkbrony
Pillow Talk by Pale Horse
Twilight Sparkle Gets Stabbed in the Back by AShadowOfCygnus
The City That Breathes by Pearple Prose
Requiem by NaiadSagaIotaOar
The Fires of Friendship by Ponydora Prancypants
Trust This by ThatOneWriter
Meeting The Family by Harmony Charmer
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Just wanna point out that you’ve criticized me in the past for my seemingly illogical writing decisions, and I wrote a story where the literal lack of logic is intentional. Ha, now you have nothing on me!
But in all seriousness, the story went through several phases, with the initial draft being less than 5,000 words. At first I was making things up as it went along, and eventually I planned things out a bit more; though the ending was very abrupt. Can you believe that I was gonna have a happy ending? Yeah, as if.
If you didn’t notice, Twilight goes through the 5 stages of grief: denial (thinking it’s all a dream), then she gets angry, then she bargains with herself that she can make it out, then depression, then at last she accepts her fate. The plot structure was supposed to be symmetrical, with those bouts of existential philosophy in the middle, but in hindsight I think this was my attempt to write something different. By the way, people keep mentioning its ties to Lovecraft, though I’ve never read a page of Lovecraft in my life, and the creatures in the end were inspired by a game, not him.
All in all, I’m glad you liked it.
Why? o.O
I appreciate the review, but I'd like to politely request a bit of a caveat/disclaimer on the review:
I wrote Shimmer seven years ago. Current members of the target audience were born after I wrote it. I 'chose' to name Amethyst Star 'Sparkler' because that was her fanon name at the time. Before we got her canon name.
It's good to know I've improved since writing it, and I appreciate the highlight, but I urge you to be careful when you highlight someone's earlier, less experienced works, as many don't check dates and having your first experience of a writer be an older and more primitive fic of theirs can very much color first impressions.
That aside, thank you!
You've never read Vimbert (An Unimpressive) before? :O You should read more!
Who cares what the show says or does? We put out better content more consistently anyway, and that even true back during the golden years. If you think giving Luna a Shakespearean accent is cool, then that's the only reason you need.
Dang dude, a bunch of these look so cool /cry
Yay, I've read 2 of these!
"The Last Conversation" needs quite a bit of editing help, and it's basically a really expository headcanon dump.
"Don't Look at the Fog" is kind of a fridge horror thing, I guess? The actual narrative isn't very tense, but once you pick up the full implications of what's going to happen to Twilight, it's pretty grim. But yes, there are enough weird phrasings and word choices littered throughout.
5021486
It certainly ties to Lovecraft, even if you didn't know it. Lovecraft was such a huge influence in modern horror that it's not unreasonable to expect your game inspiration was inspired by another source that was inspired by another source that was inspired by a song that was inspired by Lovecraft. Dude's stuff is all over the place.
Also, isn't everything you write 'something different'? Although I suppose from your perspective...
5021493
Curiosity?
5021506
There is no need for a disclaimer. If a reader isn't aware that Amethyst Star used to be known as Sparkler, they're either very new to G4 MLP fandom, very new to the G4 fanfiction, or aren't paying attention. The fact you use that name tells the reader by default that this is an old story and should be treated as one. And since it's obviously an old story, it can be deduced that you probably have newer, better material (unless you're dead as a writer).
5021537
People tend to make exception regarding Luna's speech. Also, I assume this means that you refuse to complain about anything that happens in any fanfiction ever, because 'cool' is now appropriate justification for anything the author wants to do.
5021559
I've got nothing against headcanon dumps provided they are handled properly. Alas, it seems most people treat them like dumps instead of stories.
5021607
No, I just don't think conforming to cannon is important.
Of course there are terrible descions an author can make, but I'm not going to call Derpy 'Muffins' just because the show does.
5021612
...fair point.
Still, I reiterate that everyone has something that bothers them, and Luna's speech is one of those triggers I see people latch onto more frequently than others.
5021603
Why, you aren't even a cat!
Obviously unacceptable.
5021626
Good sir, I am nothing short of incensed that you would suggest only felines are permitted to be curious. Or worse, perhaps you are insinuating non-felines are biologically incapable of curiosity? You ignorant speciesist! Next I'll discover you're some brainwashed monarchist calling for Celestia to rule alone! Barbarian.
5021631
I want you to know that I've been sitting here for a damn week trying to come up with an appropriately scathing retort to this. :P
I can, however, safely say that there's no danger of me falling prey to the anti-diarch agenda; it would for many reasons demonstrate true ignorance to argue that Luna ought not to have a say in Equestrian affairs -- why, if she hadn't come back from the moon in the first episode, we'd have no show to even be discussing!