Paul's Thursday Reviews XCI · 9:20pm Oct 26th, 2017
First thing's first: I'm working on my third Generosity story. I'm not sure how it'll fare compared to the first two. Probably not so well. But that's okay; I'm writing it because it'll give me something to think about other than the same three stories I've been working on for months. I'm starting to think it may be beneficial for me to write a small side story of this sort once every month or two, just for the sake of not burning out on writing the same stuff nonstop.
In other news, I'm still auditing my Author Score spreadsheet. I've been checking/updating two blogs a day, weekdays only, and am currently in the upper 20's of the Thursday Reviews. It's slow going, and I've not been updating the spreadsheet with my latest blog information to avoid confusion when I finally catch up. But once I do catch up and everything is properly up to date, maybe I'll start including author scores in the review blog itself. Maybe. Depends on how much extra work it ends up being.
But until that time, I'll hold back on the 'previous stories reviewed' thing, if only because I can't provide accurate information until the audit is done.
Alright, enough boring stuff. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
My Scrappy Little Mutt by adoptpetz
Sinners in the Hooves of an Angry Goddess by Avox
To My Princess, on the Day of My Departure by D G D Davidson
Bittersweet Music by DuncanR
The Shimmer of Magic by Hakuno
Aegis of the Hive by Law Abiding Pony
Total Word Count: 202,807
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
My Scrappy Little Mutt
9,639 Words
By adoptpetz
This was a surprise. A long time ago, back when I first started this reviewing gig, I read adoptpetz first FIMfiction story, The Seventh Element. It was nothing short of atrocious, not even worthy of being placed in my bookshelves. Then, one day, I found that review and wondered if perhaps the author had improved any. So I threw this onto my RiL, not expecting much.
In My Scrappy Little Mutt, apotpetz conceives the idea that all foals trying to enter Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns undergo the exact same test, i.e. to hatch a dragon’s egg. Which, of course, means that there are a lot more dragons roaming Canterlot and the Palace than the show ever let us see. Garble was not hatched in this manner, instead found as an orphan near the Everfree castle and raised by the school principal. When Sunset’s dragon companion has to leave Equestria permanently at his family’s request, Garble gets assigned to her. The story follows why Sunset left Equestria and what her actions meant for him.
First thing’s first, you’ll have to accept some history revision. I don’t generally accredit the comics as canon for my material, but I know plenty of people who do. If you’re completely devoted to that interpretation of Sunset’s ‘fall’, then you may be put off by the fact that this story takes a different route. For my part, I’m not bothered by it.
The story itself is fairly decent. We get to watch a Garble, slightly older than Spike if I’m reading the in-story cues correctly, try to stop his best friend from making a big mistake. And when he can’t, the sense of abandonment he feels throws his life in an entirely new direction, right up to what we see of him in the show. All in all, I rather approve of what the author is doing with this one, even if it needs that conspicuously missing AU tag.
That being said, there are still a few hiccups. For one, adoptpetz has an unfortunate habit of explaining a lot of things that either don’t need to be explained or which we already know. There’s lots of repetition, both in what is being said and in word choice. There’s also this bad habit of using one character’s dialogue with another character’s presence, as so:
“There’s an easy fix to that. Those ‘dork’ classmates of yours are playing out in the courtyard. I bet they’d let you join them if you asked.” Sunset wrinkled her nose.
So who is talking here? It’s actually Garble. As such, the line with Sunset doesn’t belong with Garble’s dialogue; it runs the risk of confusing readers and making them pause to reread. Never good, that. adoptpetz needs to learn how to separate paragraphs into their proper subjects.
There’s also a few strange plot events going on. For example, if Sunset’s so determined to stay in the human world no matter what, why was she just sitting around next to the portal? I’ll grant reasons can be conceived, but we are never told if any of them are true, so it leaves room for doubt as to the contrived nature of the event. And that’s nothing compared to Sunset having Spike send a letter to Garble and then, miraculously, showing up in front of Garble in the dragon lands at roughly the same time the letter arrived. How?
All that being said, this is still a huge improvement for this author, and in such a short span of time. I find myself interested in reading the sequel, just to see if that improvement continues. Granted, there is the issue of this being a short story vs. The Seventh Element being a long one. Does that mean adoptpetz is just better at writing short stories? I couldn’t say.
But for what it is, I am pleased with this author’s development.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Sinners in the Hooves of an Angry Goddess
2,649 Words
By Avox
What the hay did I just read?
In this story, Luna, Twilight, Cadance and Spike have been shipped off to Zebrica on a diplomatic mission. With Luna at a meeting, the other three discover her top-secret poetry diary.
I… wasn’t as amused with this as I’d hoped I’d be. It assumes that these three princesses each have the maturity of twelve-year-olds, and Spike probably younger than that. As a direct result, every character is so OoC they are unrecognizable. This may be okay for those of you looking for a laugh without having to worry about that whole My Little Pony thing, but for me? I’ll have forgotten all about this within an hour, tops.
It wasn’t all bad, mind. The writing is mostly flawless, and I was constantly amused by this idea that mares (or perhaps just princesses?) have an unhealthy obsession for pickles. And the secrets revealed about each princess? Potentially funny stuff. But it is all ruined for me by the blatant immaturity of the characters as portrayed, and so I am left more annoyed than entertained.
Bookshelf: Worth It
To My Princess, on the Day of My Departure
5,182 Words
By D G D Davidson
Are, FlashLight. Is there a more loathed pairing in the fandom?
This story is written in the intimidating journal format, which I only see done well on extremely rare occasions. It’s handled incorrectly so often that I’ve generally resigned myself to expecting that. In it, Flash Sentry is about to embark on a voluntary two-year mission to Zebrabwe. Before he goes, he decides to write a letter to Princess Twilight explaining why he feels he has failed as a guard, and thus why this mission is necessary to him.
As a journal-formatted story, this wasn’t bad. It’s certainly better than most of the ones I’ve already seen. It runs a little too long to be realistic, especially when Flash mentions he ‘has to hurry and finish’ then proceeds to write another 618 words. I doubt he wrote those in two or three minutes, especially given he’s not using magic to do so.
And really, that’s about the only problem I had. Everything else was good. Oh, he does write out something Celestia says to him, and I’d normally flag that since most people can’t recall conversations in such a manner, but it was only a few brief sentences. More importantly, it was uttered during a highly emotional event that he’s far more likely to remember in detail, so it fits. As such, I am pleased to dismiss it.
All in all, this isn’t your typical FlashLight. While Flash does acknowledge having romantic feelings towards Twilight even before they met, the story doesn’t focus on this concept much. Instead, it reflects on what it means to be a guard to a princess, and it does that well. Flash recounts a tragic battle known as the Trail of Blood, which takes place right after Twilight defeats Chrysalis in the comics.
Okay, let’s be honest: when you hear about a relief mission to a place called Wuvy-Dovey Smoochy Land, it’s hard to take anything seriously. And the creatures you are rescuing are a bunch of animals called luvcats, which are biologically designed to offer unconditional love to anything that isn’t a luvcat. Yes, it’s preposterously silly in concept, and it might make you cringe.
Then this story delivers to us the negatives of such a creature’s existence. This is one of the more interesting aspects of the story, really. When the Equestrians attempt to escort these lovesick creatures to safety, a small army of monsters are so eager to devour the easy prey that is the luvcats that they launch an all out assault. And the luvcats, literally incapable of reacting in any other way, run straight to their slaughterers with offers of love and affection.
And you can see why it’s called the Trail of Blood.
D G D Davidson played this surprisingly well, turning what would be a silly, eye-rolling idea into a moment of horror for a young Flash desperately doing every he can to save the helpless creatures. It is unexpectedly horrifying, and plays well to the entire story’s premise. I never saw it coming, and I give kudos to the author for making it work.
This is definitely one of the better stories I’ve read involving the FlashLight pairing. It is heartfelt, at times painful and readily defiant of expectations. It focuses less on the FlashLight aspect even while using it as the final hook for the reader, and Twilight’s response is equally appropriate as it addresses no small number of common issues. Last but not least, it guarantees the reader nothing with its ending, satisfying instead with the sense that the problem is known and being addressed.
All in all, a strong story worth the attention of just about anyone, FlashLight fans or not.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Bittersweet Music
12,619 Words
By DuncanR
Recommended by Bad Horse
This story starts with Fancy Pants (or Fancypants as the author chose to title him) arriving in Ponyville with his lovely wife, Fleur de Lis. Fleur has set up a special talent show in the town as a sort of ‘social outreach’ for the ‘lesser’ ponies, and Fancy is there as a combination of emotional support and to keep the socialites away while she takes care of business. It’s not exactly a glamorous role, considering Fancy finds her motivations lacking. Disturbed by her lack of humor, Fancy opts to spend some time away, only to end up at the local library with none other than Spike the Dragon. He soon realizes that Spike is in need of some help, and in helping Spike he may just end up helping himself.
I love this depiction of Fancy. He’s playful, pleasant, adventurous, multi-talented, and always willing to act the fool if it’ll entertain others. It’s interesting that this trait is probably what drew Fleur to him in the first place, and yet it’s the very thing that most infuriates her now. Watching him play the ‘bad guy’ in Sweetie’s and Scootaloo’s little game of heroes was a treat. He’s also manipulative, knowing exactly how to pull strings and get things to happen the way he wants. Unlike most ponies who would gladly use this for nefarious purposes, however, Fancy is happy to use his skills to aid everyone involved.
This was an endearing story with a mix of themes, from learning to be a little selfish at times to recognizing that talent can matter as much (or more) than effort. It suffers from a few minor issues; for example, I felt like that second theme could have been delivered in a far more clear method. Was it supposed to be the main point? Because it felt like Spike’s discovery of self-worth was far more important in the grand scheme of things. Maybe they were supposed to be balanced, but it didn’t feel so. Which is odd, because they certainly took up roughly even amounts of story time.
Maybe it’s because the lesson Spike learned was abundantly clear, whereas Fleur’s lesson was… not so much. I think that part of the problem is DuncanR’s failure to properly show us Fancy’s feelings on things. He comes out with only one voice from beginning to end. Is he mad at Fleur? Is he proud of Spike? Is he happy, sad, disappointed, excited? For most of the story, it’s hard to tell. He was a fun character, but had trouble deviating from that role when he needed to.
Still, overall I enjoyed this story. It was a pleasant little journey of self-discovery and Fancy being an all around cool guy, even when his wife is being a Grade-A bitch (and I’m not convinced she moved away from that by the end of the story). It’s got plenty of funny moments, too. Definitely give this one a go if you’re a fan of Spike or Fancy.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Shimmer of Magic
165,363 Words
By Hakuno
Requested by Phaoray
Alternative Title: Rarity is Best Human
As these stories typically go, Sunset has just lost everything she ever worked for at CHS. Now desiring to redeem herself, she elects to go through with Principal Celestia’s punishment and continue attending CHS until her vast amount of detention and extracurricular work is completed. After that? Quit school and spend the next 30 moons figuring out how to apologize to Princess Celestia.
Her plans get taken for a loop, however, when Trixie shows up out of the blue asking her for a date – and maybe some tips on how real magic works. Sunset has no intention of sharing unicorn magic with Trixie, since it doesn’t really exist in the human world without a catalyst like the Element of Magic anyway. But the dating thing? Eh, why not?
This story has one of the most ‘normal’ renditions of Trixie that I have ever read. That’s by no means a bad thing, but it does mean that those of you looking for the egotistical, loud-mouthed Trixie will be disappointed. Instead we meet a girl trapped in a super-traditional family struggling to be who she wants to be. Put beside a Sunset who has no idea what to do with her life beyond ‘go home’, and it makes for a curiously appropriate dynamic.
So the ship? Sailing with a full tailwind. It does suffer a little from things starting off very fast, but the author has some good background reasons for that which eventually come up and ease the issue. From there the relationship between Sunset and Trix evolves believably, if a bit predictably.
The story ultimately takes on two parts. The first is Sunset trying to figure out who she is and what she should be in the world of humans. A big part of this is trying to make up for her mistakes and taking on the role of the willingly beaten puppy, accepting the acts of revenge by her fellow classmates as part of her atonement. Once that part is largely over, it moves on to the second half, which is all about Trixie winning Sunset over permanently while dealing with her new career, the return of an ex, and a… mild family crisis.
The thing about all of this is that Hakuno shifts attention dramatically. The story starts out focused almost entirely on Sunset’s perspective (although the author appears to have trouble focusing on any one perspective in a given scene), focusing on her struggles to redeem herself. But then, about halfway through the story, Sunset gets largely put in the background while we deal with Trixie’s relationship woes and family issues. It’s a peculiar balancing act, and while I think I would have liked a more even approach from beginning to end I can’t say it’s not effective.
Then there’s Rarity. She gets by far the most attention out of any of the Humane 6: first to extend a hand of friendship, continuous liaison between our protagonists and the rest of their friends, and critical in the survival of both their relationship and Trixie in general. I’m generally okay with this, being an unabashed Rarity fan. At the same time, however, I can’t help but feel that the rest of the girls suffered from a lack of attention. Maybe this is a good thing. Attempting to juggle a dozen characters in a single story can be hard, and Hakuno has enough on their plate as it is. But it still seems a shame.
All in all, the story is a tame, endearing romance that I’m glad I got into. Some parts are a little predictable, and the story takes on a more ‘realistic’ approach to romance than what is typical of the genre, and I’m okay with both those aspects. There’s only one problem in the grand scheme of things: the writing is lackluster. Issues range from strange phrases that make no sense, failed colloquialisms, and the occasional awkward sentence structure. The writing could use a cleanup, and those who get bothered by such things may not last long.
Beyond that? This was a solid story that defied my earliest expectations. I look forward to reading the sequel, assuming Hakuno ever finishes it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Aegis of the Hive
7,355 Words
By Law Abiding Pony
Sequel to For the Hive
This story is set in a world where Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were made into changelings, and now rule together as Queens of the Phoenix hive. And for the shippers out there, no, they aren’t sharing rule because of that. The circumstances are long and complicated, and sadly I think this is one of those stories that requires the reading of the previous ones to really ‘get’ the background, otherwise you’ll likely be lost.
Anyway, Aegis is a drone that has been chosen by Queen Twilight to become a Queen in her own right, and is currently undergoing training for this process. The Queens are visiting the Minotaur King to negotiate trade, and as part of her training Aegis has to attend personally. She’s… not enthusiastic about it.
I have mixed feelings about this. The story is well-written and is nicely paced, and the characters are interesting even if Rainbow feels strangely under control for a boring diplomacy session. And the worldbuilding for Minotaur culture is great! The problem I have with the story is that it doesn’t seem to do anything. They arrive for a meeting, meeting happens, Aegis gets idea that we are never made privy to, story over. Law Abiding Pony says in the description that this is a bridging story between For the Hive and Culling of the Hives, and I suppose I can see that what with the ‘new idea’ being mentioned and the discussion of Aegis’s future and the activities of the rival hives.
But that doesn’t do anything for this story. Where’s the theme, the lesson learned, the goal, the point? I’m not seeing any, at least not as far as the protagonist is concerned. And that makes the story feel sub par.
Again, it is a well-written little yarn, but without any given purpose for existing, I don’t know what to think. I guess I’ll just set it aside and see what the next one brings. I’ve heard rumor that this series actually gets worse after For the Hive, but I don’t take this as a sign of such things. Everything seems perfectly sound so far, even if this one is largely a ‘meh’ for me.
Bookshelf: Worth It
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A few thoughts.
The only one of these I've read is "Bittersweet Music," but that was so long ago, when it was a write-off entry, probably in 2013. I remember not liking it as much as everyone else seemed to, mostly because Fancy Pants came across as a huge self-serving asshole to me, only helping Spike insofar as it amused him.
Your review of "Aegis of the Hive" is sadly something I've seen quite a few times. Character get assigned mission, character goes on mission, character accomplishes mission without incident, and nothing of interest happens. Now, there are people who are more tolerant of this and who have differing thresholds of what counts as "nothing." I, for one count character growth as acceptable, even if it's perceptible to the characters but not the reader. I know that sounds confusing. But it'd be a situation where, say, Twilight learns something about Rainbow Dash that the reader already knew, but the reader gets to watch Twilight's process of discovery about it. But even good authors fall into this trap of a "nothing happens" story. "Diplomatic Overtures" was like that for me.
And lastly, I'd cast a strenuous vote against putting author scores out here. It's bad enough they're publicly displayed for those who care to go looking for them, but I find them unillustrative and somewhat prejudice-inducing for readers looking for authors to follow, for a couple of reasons. One, a scoring system that equates "this just wasn't to my taste" with "this story had some significant problems" doesn't provide a very objective result, and the penalty for not meeting your taste is rather severe. And two, the vast majority of authors have so few data points that the score isn't statistically significant anyway.
Garble as Sunset's abandoned dragon hatchling? Holy shit, that's a fantastic concept!
I've been waiting a lot to get one of these. And I honestly was very nervous. (Thoughts of random internet people are important to me ok? Don't judge me... too hard).
And I knew the thing about my early writing was going to come up at some point, but I'm glad you addressed it with the most unbiased opinion you could. I really appreciate it, and I thank you for that.
The grade you gave it, I didn't think it'd get so high in your list, and I'm very impressed, and very satisfied. Thank you ^^
Here's hoping for you to read the sequel (whenever I finish it, that is), and that you like it too ^^
Yeah, I know I'm late to the party on this one. But I wanted some time to consolidate my thoughts.
Personally, the idea has appeal. Why? Because I know what my score is.
By that same margin, I don't like it, because while it's good for those that already have a good rep, it can be bad for those who don't. Submitting an average author score will likely just cause readers to skim past most any story with a high rating that doesn't have an otherwise great author score and ignore them ... which isn't cool as it'll downplay the improvements of those who are getting better.
I think you could reach a middle ground though. Rather than just showing the author score/ranking, just pull up the score of the last three stories when you mention them. Or maybe offer a quick spot on the author saying whether or not you recommend people dive through their works?
I don't know. Just some thoughts. Again, part of me likes the idea of having the author score ... but that's because I know where I fall, and stand only to gain from it (along with probably reattract some trolls). An author who's first few works weren't that hot, but continually improves, however, could find themselves not getting any deserved eyeballs on their new work because of their old under the same system. Which would suck, especially if they'd worked really hard on it.
I suppose you could compromise. Post the author score of consistent authors maybe—ones who tend to submit the same level of quality and won't fly up and down ... or maybe those that have passed a set number of stories—while those who are still new or jumping in quality as they find their feet could have another indicator?
I don't know. Just my two cents.