Paul's thursday Reviews LVII · 11:45pm Dec 1st, 2016
Promises are a killer, aren't they? I've found that I've still got some things to do for friends, but now I'm in a position where keeping those promises is trickier than I ever anticipated. Even so, I'm feeling positive right now, so I have every intention of keeping those promises... even with the added stuff that's popping up.
But of prime importance to me is finding a way to get back ahead of my reviews. I've already mentioned in the past how I intend to have special weeks were I add another third of my regular reading amount to my wordcount, but I'm finding that's not enough. In response, I've added yet another week type, a special one in which I double my regular word count. However, I only intend to implement such measures when I'm struggling to keep up, as I am now.
Of course, being the genius that I am, I went and unintentionally scheduled my first big one for the first week of the new year. When I'll be visiting family and not, yknow, focused on pone stuffs.
Oops.
Oh well, I'll make do.
Who wants some reviews?
...
Yeah, I did two stories by the same author again. Scheduling coincidences, eh?
Stories for This Week:
The Clock Is Ticking by PresentPerfect
The Perfect Setup by Timaeus
Booklandia by Surprise the Pegasus
The Ultimate Alicorn by Cerulean Voice
Keeper of the Crystal Heart by Cerulean Voice
The Care and Raising of Pegasii by RoyalBardofCanterlot
Total Word Count: 148,531
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 2
The Clock Is Ticking
12,445 Words
By PresentPerfect
When this story first came out, I was happy to throw it on my RiL, stupidly thinking it wouldn’t take an eternity to get to it. Ten months later…
Rainbow and Pinkie are happily married. Any other day, that would be fine, but Pinkie’s biological clock has decided to kick in, in true Pinkie Pie fashion. She wants a baby, and Rainbow is willing, but there are obvious problems. So they go to Twilight, who whips up a method of turning Rainbow into a stallion. The spell will only last a week, but that’s surely long enough to get the deed done. ...right?
Gender swaps? Meh, been there, done that.
Gender swaps done well? Oh, now that’s interesting.
This story, written in a style reminiscent of the show in terms of character behavior and comedic style, is nothing short of delightful. Every chapter is a ball of humor worth getting into, addressing a different problem with Rainbow’s transition every time. My personal favorite is chapter 4, in which Rainbow discovers (to his horror) his new hunkiness is enough to literally drive mares insane, and his closest friends aren’t immune. At the same time, I also liked that it appeared filly foolers were largely immune to this effect – which calls to notice the apparent disinterest of a certain apple farmer.
The jokes are all on point, coming with just the right speed to let each build up on its own. Best of all, Pinkie is depicted in a show-accurate performance that leaves me mildly jealous of PP’s Pinkie-writing skills. I don’t buy the whole ‘Pinkie doesn’t know how babies are made’ thing in the first chapter, but other than that I am very pleased with her. Her silliness never ceases, even when she’s being perfectly serious. Pinkie fans, you’ll love this.
The only complaint I have is on the technical side; I noticed many instances where it appeared a word was missing. Really, that’s it. That’s all I noticed. Of all the things PP could do wrong, words missing? I would have thought that an easier one to catch. Eh, I’m sure I’ve done the same thing in the past.
All in all, this story was a lot of fun. Sure, the whole gender-swap thing has been done half to death, but this one was good enough to keep me from caring. Kudos for that.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Perfect Setup
23,960 Words
By Timaeus
Completed Story
This story caught my attention for two reasons. First, it stars Amethyst, and I’ve got a soft spot for her ever since I featured her so prominently in my Trixie vs. Equestria universe – and really, how often does she get her own story? Second, my Ship-O-Meter was going off the charts from the description and I just had to see how it played out. Because, y’know. Shipper. Shipping. Ships.
...
I just needed some good shipping, okay?
Anyway, taking place not long after Cranky and Matilda’s wedding in Slice of Life, the story starts with Amethyst feeling high on the knowledge that she finally got to plan something big for a change. After messing up (in her eyes, at least) the last two Winter Wrap-Ups and the Nightmare Night between, she’s thinking her curse of failure has passed. Eager for another opportunity to test her skills, she spots Rainbow and Applejack goofing off at the market. Everypony in Ponyville knows the two have the hots for one another, but neither seems capable of acknowledging it. So, with her best friend Blossomforth, Amethyst decides it is time to take matters in her own hoof and prove once and for all that she’s got the organizational skills to do whatever she puts her mind to.
While this is a story involving the manipulation of Applejack and Rainbow into being romantically involved, this isn’t really a romance story. Yes, romance is involved, but it’s only the background flavoring. This story is all about Amethyst and her desperate need to prove her ability and self-worth. This upgrades the story from a mere ship to a character piece, and I approve. The overall concept works well and does a nice job exploring who Amethyst is as an individual.
This is only aided by the presence of Blossomforth, whose cheerful nature is endearing, yet the strongest presence outside of Amethyst in my opinion is Mayor Mare. I wish I saw more stories with her featuring prominently, and I greatly enjoyed her characterization here. True, she only gets a major appearance in one scene, but her influence on Amethyst is strong from that point on, giving her the appearance of a motherly figure with wisdom and integrity. This is the kind of Mayor Mare I can get behind.
There is a bump or two in the road, of course. The only thing really worth mentioning is that sometimes it felt like Timaeus overdid it with the descriptions. Not that they were too flowery, no, but that sometimes they shifted into something that made the flow sputter.
Blades of grass tickled Amethyst’s rump as they swayed in the breeze made by the gentle flapping of pegasus wings. White hooves settled in front of purple.
Now, reading that by itself? It’s fine. Great imagery. The problem is that the style of those sentences doesn’t fit with the style of the rest of the story. It’s a gear shift, where one second everything’s flowing along and suddenly we’re going all sensory overload. If the entire story were written in such a manner I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s only two or three very brief snippets, and the result is a style clash that gave me pause.
The good news? It doesn’t happen often. In a story nearing 24,000 words, they take up maybe 400 of them. It’s jarring when it happens, but that alone isn’t near enough to dislodge this story from the ‘solid’ category. I enjoyed watching Amethyst work out her little crisis of ability, and Timaeus worked the story on the whole nicely. Excited Amethyst is best Amethyst, and watching her go into total ship mode over RD and AJ (who were themselves fun to watch) was the icing on the cake.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Booklandia
9,817 Words
By Surprise The Pegasus
Re-Read
I had forgotten all about this one. Written for a contest put on by the defunct Random Romance group I used to admin for, Booklandia’s intent was simply to ship Daring Do and Fluttershy. In it, Rainbow unwittingly gets her hooves on an enchanted copy of the latest Daring Do book. The book ends up pulling Fluttershy directly into its story, forcing her to go through the adventure in order to escape.
There are a myriad of issues with this story. So many, it’s hard to choose where to begin. The premise itself, while predictable, could have made for some interesting material. Sadly, Surprise the Pegasus took just about every wrong turn possible.
Let’s begin with the writing. It is, in a word, atrocious. Grammatically speaking, there’s questionable comma usage, incorrect punctuation, and a nonstop stream of this:
"...Tea." Said Rainbow glumly, giving Fluttershy the "are you f**king kidding me." look.
Actually, I meant to only provide an example of one thing there, but instead I ended up showing off three. Point is, just reading this story is a chore due to its vast number of errors.
Then there’s the pacing, which is downright nonexistent. The story bounces from scene to scene, perspective to perspective at the speed of thought with no consideration for the consequences of impact. Characters talk in long, explain-y streams that rob every scene of emotion, and events pass by so quickly that everything seems fake and forced, to say nothing for the lack of realism.
And let’s not forget the author’s neglect at answering questions. When we ultimately find out that Discord is the villain – post-reformation – no explanation whatsoever is offered for his actions, nor does Fluttershy comment on them after she leaves the book. Rainbow spends the entire story pining away for her friend in a coma, and when Fluttershy finally wakes up, the last thing we see of her is “this is my fault!” and she runs away. I mean, that’s it? She’s been treated as one of the two main characters, and that’s the end of her involvement?
And how the heck did Fluttershy go from waking up from a coma in a hospital to being at the Hearth’s Warming Ball in only a few hours, as if nothing happened at all? And how is it Daring Do recognizes Fluttershy at said ball, and how is it that Fluttershy instantly forgives her for the traumatizing crap that went down?
I can keep going, but I think the point is made. This story is an unmitigated mess. This author needs to get hold of some good, patient editors and pre-readers, because what I’m seeing here is… Well, I’m not sure what it is, but it’s not good.
Bookshelf: None
The Ultimate Alicorn
3,353 Words
By Cerulean Voice
Re-Read
I always have mixed feelings when I see this story. The first feeling is guilt: the story was written for a contest, and at the time it looked like a shoe-in for first place. Then I got invited to join with my story Tyrant and… there that idea went. I didn’t even write the story for the contest, but Tyrant was topping the charts and the guy running the contest insisted. I still feel guilty for robbing CV of his thunder. Sorry, bro. Again.
But enough of that. The first thought I had when this story first came out was total disdain. It was written immediately after Twilight’s Kingdom, thereby joining the bandwagon of the time, and the concept struck me as so obvious as to not be worth my time. I mean, Twilight beats Tirek with the Alicorn Amulet? How easy a story to write is that? It’s more or less guaranteed to go only one of two ways.
But, looking back at my initial reaction, I realize now that maybe I’d been too harsh at the time. After all, it’s no secret that I hated everything about Twilight’s Kingdom and this story was only fuel for that flame. Perhaps now, with the episode little more than a bitter memory, I might look upon The Ultimate Alicorn in a better light.
I’ll give it this: the story is competently written. By this point in Cerulean’s writing career, that’s to be a given. I’ve never cared for the narrative style that jumps from character perspective to character perspective, but CV utilizes it well enough that even I have nothing to complain about. And of course, there’s always the added benefit of Twilight trying to find a more intelligent solution to the problem than ’give up everything that gives me a fighting chance,’ even if her new solution is… unwise.
But I still see things that just don’t work well in my eyes. For one, Tirek goes and murders all of Twilight’s friends. While there’s no question that Tirek could do this, I found the act blatantly OOC. He’s a villain, sure, but he doesn’t seem the least bit interested in causing his victims physical harm. I’ll grant that this is a dark version of events that was crafted to make the story go the way it ‘had’ to, so it can be allowed to slide somewhat, but it just doesn’t sit well with me.
There’s also the distinctly Dragonball-esque style of the beatdown. Part of me feels this is okay, since it is reflective of the Dragonball-esque style of the show’s fight. At the same time, the over-the-top nature of it (Tirek’s teeth shattering from a lone punch?) just feels ridiculous.
And then there’s the nature of his defeat, which comes in the form of what can only be described as the Doom spell from Final Fantasy.
Alright, I know this is a matter of personal taste. I know a lot of you will see those things and think it’s ‘cool’ or ‘fun’ or ‘awesome.’ But me? I like realism in events, and especially in combat. These anime and video game-style of things don’t impress, amuse or ‘wow’ me, they just make me roll my eyes. It’s pretty hard for me to take any of this seriously, and the excessive gore only makes it worse.
The good news? All of these complaints are subjective. I know a lot of you are going to look at the things I don’t like, roll your eyes at my petty concerns, read it anyways and enjoy it. That’s fine. By all means, do so.
I just don’t think I’m the right audience for this.
However, because I consider most – if not all – of my complaints subjective, I’ll be putting this story in the middle ground in terms of my bookshelves. It only seems fair.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Keeper of the Crystal Heart
66,856 Words
By Cerulean Voice
Sequel to These Flowers Never Bloom
Re-Read
I have often stated that I believe one of the best things to do when trying to improve is to leave your dirty deeds behind you and keep writing. After reading this again, I find all the more reason to stand by that statement. Cerulean Voice and I go back a ways, and I remember him being very interested in getting my opinion on this story when it first came out. I ripped it apart.
On my second read-through? Yeah, it’s still rough.
Keeper takes place 20 years after the Equestria creation story These Flowers Never Bloom, in which Celestia, Luna and their parents set out to defeat the pre-Discord entity Vorjhan. The sisters are brought back to life by the goddess FaustDimiourgia to act as her ‘Champions of Harmony’ and go out to find what’s left of the pony race. Along the way, they uncover a plot by a pre-Chrysalis changeling queen while three other ponies go about discovering the Crystal Empire.
Celestia and Luna, despite having the appearance of being the main characters at first, take on little more than a background role for the majority of the story while three nobodies go on adventures in the Frozen North (which is apparently less than a day’s walk away from Canterlot). Oh, the royal sisters eventually get in on the action and fight the evil changeling queen, but for the first half of the story their part is peripheral at best. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the opening chapter hadn’t made it look as though they were going to be the major characters from the beginning.
Other poor plot decisions abound. We have characters who go missing early on and we never find out what happened to them. We have minor characters introduced when the story is practically over. We have a huge weakness for Celestia that the villains monopolize with impunity for a good while only to conveniently forget the weakness exists at all near the end.
The worst bit for me was the big puzzle in the Crystal Mountain. Okay, so there’s an OP artifact hidden in this mountain that only ‘the truly virtuous’ can acquire, and then only by proving their character. Apparently, ‘character’ is defined as the ability to solve a series of mundane puzzles. This is your test of the heroes’ mettle? Pushing a few columns around, using a little teamwork and eating a few veggies and fruits? Someone’s taking too much influence from video games.
The second worst plot item, at least in my mind, is when the evil changeling queen goes all Dragon Ball Z (or perhaps Pokemon) on us and levels up into a changeling dragon. I wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the concept. It struck me as the kind of development a teen high on anime would conjure up on the basis of it being ‘cool.’
Third is how the Elements of Harmony, wielded by Celestia and Luna, actually cause physical pain when sensing something opposed to their element. So when, say, a bunch of changelings shift into a disguise, their dishonesty causes the Element of Honesty to inflict pain upon Celestia. Given that this has never been proven (and indeed can be actively disproven by the fact that Applejack never reacted to such a thing when near Discord), how on earth is this even remotely a good idea?
Issues continue: Unitopia is depicted as being a great city… and then we learn that it only has 150 citizens. These kinds of self-conflicting issues riddle the entire story.
And the dialogue. Oh, Luna, the dialogue! It’s all awkwardly formal and doesn’t flow at all. Even if you try to justify it as being the language of ancient times, you’ll have a hard time convincing me that this is appropriate. Take this massive paragraph of dialogue from Celestia which, I kid you not, is supposed to be taking place while she and the ponies she is addressing are running at full gallop trying to locate a changeling infiltrator:
"I fear it may have picked up our tracing technique. Perhaps that other changeling was able to send a message somehow before we apprehended it. Honesty stopped burning a few moments ago. That suggests only one option to me: the changeling is no longer disguised. I believe that, since it is no longer attempting to delude us with a pony form, Honesty cannot detect any deceit in the vicinity." Celestia smiled for a moment, then her expression dropped. "This should—in theory—make it easier to find, although that says nothing about its actual hiding skills. That is, if it is even alone. I fear I may have alerted other invaders to my presence. If they plan to strike, it will happen very soon."
Remember, all that while frantically running around the castle searching for the enemy.
I think I’ve said enough. This story is a mess, and I’ve barely scratched the surface of why. If anything, I’ve come to like this story even less than I did the first time.
But all of this comes with a silver lining. Having read a lot of Cerulean’s material, I know how far he’s come since writing this story, and it is far. As poor quality as this story is, it serves as a reminder of where the author has been and just how much he has improved. If I feel anything, it’s pride that he has come so far in just a few short years.
This is why I prefer not to go back and ‘fix’ my old stories. Sometimes, taking a look at how we used to be can be an excellent way to remind us that we’ve improved, and are still improving. It also serves as an example to others: “Look, I used to suck too, and here’s the proof.” I think of it as a positive learning experience, a source of pride in our ability to grow, and a means of showing others that hard work can pay off.
Is this story good? No, absolutely not, and I will rate it as such.
But I’m still happy, because what I’m seeing here means more to me than that. Cerulean, if you’re reading this, I hope you get as much out of it as I do.
Bookshelf: None
The Care and Raising of Pegasii
32,100 Words
By RoyalBardofCanterlot
Completed Story
Have I mentioned that Scootaloo is my favorite crusader? I like all of them to some degree, but she’s always had a little something extra that I enjoy. The problem with this is that Scootaloo stories are a dime a dozen, with most centering on her being an orphan, miserable and/or trying to earn Rainbow’s sisterly affections. While I certainly enjoy a Scootafic, the sheer abundance of them makes me hesitant to try them for fear of just reading the same thing I’ve already seen before. With The Care and Raising of Pegasii, I had some hope that maybe things would be a little different.
So are they? Yes… and no. The Bard gets points for making Scootaloo part of a broken home rather than no home at all, with parents who aren’t intentionally mean. Rather, they are neglectful, selfish and unprepared. While I’m sure something like this has been tried before, I have not seen it, so it struck me as a refreshing take.
Moving away from Scootaloo as a focus, the story also gains some points for having a very different take on spirituality in Equestria. In this rendition, ponies believe in ancestral worship, with each race having a patron deity. It’s another unusual direction I haven’t seen before, and it greatly intrigued me. I’d have loved to have learned more about it.
But while the world is ripe for exploring and Scootaloo’s re-imagined family history could make for some interesting drama, I’m afraid the technique behind all of this is of low quality. The Bard uses a very direct writing approach that is highly repetitive not just in word choice, but also in context. Take this cringe-worthy slice as an example:
She slammed open the front door and kept running.Dash chased after her. Scootaloo skidded on the cloud, but kept running. Dash kept running after her.
While that is one of the worst offenders in the story, the repetition is frequent enough to be a burden. The directness doesn’t help the reader get invested in the story either. The Bard could really improve by learning to say more with less.
There’s also the manner in which we receive information. Given the way we learn things, I strongly suspect that the Bard didn’t take the time to really study the story prior to publication.Take, for example, the concept of ancestral worship; while we do learn about the religious variety of the three races, ancestral worship itself is downright ignored until the story is practically over. It’s shown to be an important aspect of equine culture though, so shouldn’t we have received hints and off-hand statements regarding it early on? I’m left with the impression that the author didn’t even consider the details until the moment they were brought up in-story.
Similar issues appear with Scootaloo’s parents, Rainbow’s family, and Scootaloo’s flight training throughout the fic. Considering my typical ‘write as it comes’ methods, I won’t blame any author for coming up with an idea halfway through the story. At the same time, I greatly appreciate the sense that everything is tied together and things are building up from the known information. I don’t get that feeling here, and so I am left disappointed.
Last but not least, I felt like the story could have been better defined in its form. I never got a sense of rising action, nor did I see anything really resembling a climax. Things just happened, one step at a time. I’ll grant it’s more realistic, but when it gets to the end I can’t help but feel the entire story came out weak as a result. The ending itself seems ham-fisted, as if the author realized they needed to form some kind of emotional conclusion. Without a climax to descend from, the result was ‘meh.’
I like some of the Bard’s ideas. I think next time if they should plan out the story more, be less direct and repetitive and perhaps get a proofreader, they could make something worthwhile. But as for this story, it’s just not there.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
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Y'know, I don't think I intended this, but I like it. :D Thanks for review!
I had pretty much the same reaction to "The Ultimate Alicorn" as you. I thought it was a quality story, but I had trouble buying into the triggering event. Not only did I find it hard to believe Tirek would outright kill someone like that (though I wouldn't begrudge an author wanting a darker take on canon events), it struck me that it was unbelievably foolhardy for Tirek to waste his bargaining chip before seeing if Twilight would follow through on her end of the deal. I argued that point a couple of times, but I couldn't get CV to rethink it. Aside from that one thing, I did enjoy the story.
Heh, I'm vaguely tempted to throw my one and only Scoota-fic at you, just to see if it rises above the scoota-slush