Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIX · 10:53pm Sep 22nd, 2016
Alright, first things first: next week is a break week, so no reviews next Thursday. And for once I'm quite pleased by this; I've been needing a break.
Also, today I started Project Horizons. Just one chapter in, but I'm already pleased... and noticing meta statements. Something tells me I'm going to like this one.
Huge wordcount for this week. Let's get going, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
Dusk's Dangerous Game by Airstream (Sequel to Lines and Webs)
A Candle in the Sky by Lucky Dreams (Recommended by Pascoite)
Dr. McNinja Goes on an Equestrian Adventure by Mysterious Stranger (Re-Read)
Ice Fall by Bluespectre (Sequel to When the Snow Melts)
Don't Feel by ArgonMatrix (Re-Read)
You Make My Whole Life Worthwhile by Steel Resolve (Sequel to I Love to See you Smile)
Total Word Count: 825,414
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Dusk's Dangerous Game
231,581 Words
By Airstream
Sequel to Lines and Webs
Airstream’s Lines and Webs was an overlong but interesting story in which we discovered that Twilight is little more than breeding stock to a ruler who dreams of a perfect utopia through total mind control. It was at once an interesting take on the Tyrantlestia trope and a fascinating recreation of Equestrian history. Enter Dusk’s Dangerous Game, which takes place some four years after Twilight escapes Celestia’s power and begins her rebellion.
For those of you unfamiliar (which is likely most), Airstream’s Equestria is a world divided into three primary alignments: Chaos, ruled by Discord, Order, ruled by Celestia, and Balance, ruled by Luna. Luna assisted Celestia in defeating Discord when the balance of power shifted too far to his side of things, but then the Nightmare took over and she was exiled to the moon. With this turn, Celestia had one thousand years of unobstructed rule to mold Equestria into her vision of perfection and Order.
Twilight, having discovered her intended role, has been fighting Celestia with everything she has, based in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters in the Everfree. She has her own army, her own information network, and her own schemes. She’s willing to do anything and manipulate anyone to achieve her goals. When she conjures up a final plan to end the war, she takes steps to get local reporter and radio personality Sweetie Belle on her side.
As with any story, there are certain things I liked and certain things I didn’t. The story starts off focusing largely on Sweetie as she investigates and gets deeply involved with the Ever Free movement. Over time, however, the focus of the story gradually shifts from her to Twilight. I find this decision questionable overall, especially by the end when Sweetie feels less like a major element of the story and more like a side character. Honestly, I can’t tell if this was a great decision or a terrible one. I guess I should let others be the judge.
One thing I did approve of, however, was the endless tone of the story. The stakes are high from beginning to end, even with the ‘filler’ chapters, because every potential move could mean the enactment of evil in its purest form. Celestia is a wonderful villain in this story. Not only is she willing to go to any lengths to achieve her goal, she is shown to be blatantly unaware that her actions are, in fact, evil (a stark contrast to the ever guilt-ridden Twilight). Bear in mind that this includes but isn’t limited to slaughtering an entire city, planning to have her ‘beloved’ former student raped, and ceaselessly, brutally torturing her little sister for four straight years.
And all of it with a pleasant smile.
The result is a constant tension that lasted from beginning to end, with every move in ‘the game’ feeling more and more risky. This is one of those stories I didn’t want to quit reading at times, if only because I had to know my worst fears weren’t going to be realized. We also had interesting, well developed characters, an almost constant stream of intricate worldbuilding, vivid combat scenes and battles, and generally tense emotions throughout. This story is the full package for those of you looking for epic adventures.
And now, as with all stories, we get to the buuuuutttt…..
How is it this deaf filly we keep hearing about keeps getting into trouble, and at one point is cited as having broken her neck, only to come back later perfectly whole for Sweetie to have to protect?
How is it that everybody has to use Fausticorn as the ‘creator’ of MLP? At least she wasn’t completely benevolent this time.
How is it Twilight loses to Celestia one second, then suddenly kicks ass the next when she knowingly had all the same tools for both fights?
All the drama built up around Sweetie near the end kinda felt like a pointless cheap shot for emotional manipulation once the story ends.
A proof-reader would have been appropriate.
The conversation Twilight has with her long lost beau near the end of the story made no sense at all.
Now, all of the things listed above? I was willing to overlook them. Had they been the only real issues, this story would be on my favorites list easily. But then, something happened that crushed that possibility mercilessly: the conclusion of the final conflict and the events thereafter.
So, let’s run this again, shall we? Celestia: created Twilight as breeding stock and kept her brainwashed her entire life, along with every pony in all of Equestria; placed a control spell on her very aware sister to bend her to her will; sealed Luna in a cell behind Celestia’s own bedroom, where she was brutally tortured for four straight years; created an entire army of mindless golems by selecting innocent, unwary soldiers and destroying their minds; planned to have Twilight raped repeatedly if she couldn’t be re-mind wiped; used the Elements of Harmony to control all of Twilight’s friends into becoming her willing enemies; utilized agents of torture to gather information; slaughtered an entire city for daring to oppose her; anything else I’m forgetting at the moment, which is probably a lot. She did all of these things happily, without a second thought and no guilt. She’s got Twilight’s castle under siege, tens of thousands are dead, millions more unwittingly enslaved, and she’s coming at Twilight like a demon straight out of Tartarus. She is the most focused, single-minded, bigoted kind of character there is, unable to see anything at all but her 'righteous' goal.
Oh, wait, no, nevermind. We’re at peace now. I’m totally cool with the fact Twilight just destroyed my 1,000-year scheme, my military and political power is now a shred of what it once was, and all my dreams that I have devoted every waking thought to just got flushed down the drain. Who cares, right? I’ll be happy to act in your father’s stead and give you away at your wedding that your parents are going to be there for as if we’re still beloved mentor and student. Oh, and Cadance, who has been my willing lackey since the moment she was born, can officiate. We’re cool, we’re cool.
No fucking way.
You will never convince me that all the animosity between Celestia, Twilight, Cadance and Luna have faded that much in just a matter of a few months. You cannot do it. This seems like little more than the author twisting characters’ minds just to get the happy ending they think the readers want.
To be clear, I’m not complaining that Celestia didn’t get any of the punishment she perfectly deserved, or that she chose to align herself with Twilight after the fact. I’m complaining because the author wants us to think that this brutal, single-minded, irredeemably evil individual whose millennium-long plan of total control and domination just got trashed by a foal not even a tenth her age would be happy to let it go. Screw you’re so-called ‘emotional center,’ nobody’s that forgiving.
For giving us a riveting story that kept me wanting more, I give this author top honors. But for completely ruining all of that with a bullshit, nonsensical fix? Have a lower rating and my disgust.
…
Yeah, I’m still gonna read the sequel.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
A Candle in the Sky
3,361 Words
By Lucky Dreams
Recommended by Pascoite
Written in a whimsical style not unlike a children’s book, A Candle in the Sky is a simple story in which Apple Bloom is awoken in the night by Granny Smith, except her Granny appears as a filly and is capable of incredible magical feats. Granny informs her that they can spend this night in whatever way AB likes.
The consequences of this meeting are not lost on Apple Bloom.
I am certainly pleased with the writing style of this story. Being someone who has a lot of trouble escaping a specific writing format, it always interests me when others can do something ‘different,’ and this certainly qualifies. Lucky Dreams’ writing style for this one borders on child fantasy, but stays just close enough to ‘normal’ to be taken in with the underlying seriousness it warrants.
The story is well-paced, creative and provides a slightly different headcanon from what I’m accustomed to. It is well-written, the story is common yet endearing, and its length is right where it needs to be. If I had to dub this story with a single term, it would be ‘quietly ambitious,’ in that it doesn’t seem like anything amazing on the surface and yet manages to do so much with so little.
I took from this story nothing but a mild pleasure. A nice change of pace considering the kind of stories I’ve been reading lately, that’s for sure.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Dr. McNinja Goes on an Equestrian Adventure
41,940 Words
By Mysterious Stranger
Re-Read
Allow me to introduce you to Dr. McNinja. Go ahead, take your time, I’ll see you in a few hours. Or maybe a few days. Whatevs.
(Fun Fact of the Day: Google Drive considers “whatev” a legitimate word.)
Done? Radical.
Dr. McNinja. He’s Irish. He’s a ninja. He’s a medical doctor living in Cumberland, Massachusetts. His sidekick is a mustachioed, teenage, hispanic gunslinger who rides a velociraptor named Yoshi. He was trained by Batman. He once punched Dracula in the face and learned the art of moon jumping from Bruce Lee himself. In summation: the Doctor is awesome.
And today, he’s going to get a sweet, sweet ride. McNinja just defeated a villain named Sparklelord, once a unicorn, by tossing him into a space-time portal (that comes directly from the comics, folks). Lamenting the loss of a quite beautiful motorcycle, the Doc gets the idea to go into the portal himself in search of an equally awesome one. Instead, he ends up in a land of colorful talking ponies (which is apparently roughly the size of Baltimore in total) that is currently under attack by – who else? – Sparklelord.
Que kick ass awesome adventure of kick ass awesomeness.
Mysterious Stranger did a lot of things right with this one, starting with getting the signature style, humor and ‘radicalness’ of the McNinja webcomic perfectly. The first lesson to be learned from this is that everything is awesome, and you should not question it. You should be prepared for absurdities like helicopter-head ents, unicorns turning into motorcycles and reaching the moon via epic ramping. If these things are beyond your capacity for acceptance, turn back now, you poor, humorless soul.
There are a number of issues, most of them minor. For example, Sparklelord is shown at the very beginning being able to absorb magic, and uses this ability to defeat Celestia and Luna near-instantly (pardon my mild fury). What is the great idea for defeating him? Blast him with the Elements, of course. In other words, we’re going to use a magical weapon to defeat an enemy who absorbs magic. Ingenious. (And no, I offer no props for doing the whole 'magic sucking villain' thing before Tirek. The concept's far too obvious to be worth anything on its own.)
How about the fact that Discord is so powerful he literally created Equestria, but somehow still can’t fight the Elements of Harmony? worse, we spend all this time building up the repercussions of Discord's villainy, painting to be a true evil bastard (PS-this was written before his reformation), and then the big confrontationisohthereitwent. Talk about disappointing.
There are other issues, but those were the main ones that got to me. Even those don’t bother me too much, because this is all common McNinja fare. As such, I must once again point to the above rule and just roll with it. Of the positives and negatives of this story, all I can really think of is how great a job the author did at capturing the Dr. McNinja ridiculousness accurately. Mysterious Stranger knows the source material well, and it shows.
Obviously, those of you unfamiliar with the Dr. McNinja series will be miffed. I would argue that the story is pretty fun even if you don’t know anything about the comics, but regardless you should all give the comics a look. I mean, seriously, those things are comedic gold.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Ice Fall
437,868 Words
By Bluespectre
Sequel to When the Snow Melts
Technically, this also counts as a review request, since I was unaware of the completed sequel until Bluespectre deigned to inform me via asking for a review. When the Snow Melts was an unusually strong HiE in which Celestia, on the run from thestrals after a tragically lost battle against Nightmare Moon’s forces, fled to the human world out of desperation and was brought back to health by a (presumably) Japanese reed worker named Rush. The story concluded with Celestia finding her way back to Equestria – naturally.
So… take a look at that cover art. Read the description. What do you think this story is going to be about? I’ll tell you what I expected: war. Everything about what we see screams at me ‘war story,’ in which Celestia leads her army in a hard-fought battle against the legions of Nightmare Moon, complete with battle strategies, troop movements, alliances and tactics and cunning. Which to me, sounds awesome.
And here’s the point where I accuse this author of false advertising.
Instead of being about everything that potential readers expect and probably want, the story does a complete about-face and focuses instead on… sky pirates? Brothel mares? Llamas and griffons and yaks? Earth pony supremacists? Revenge against corrupt bureaucrats? Celestia doesn't even make an appearance until almost halfway through the story. What the heck?
Okay, narrowing it down, this story is basically about two soldiers in Celestia’s army. Chalk Dust is a curious to a fault, laid back, carefree and impetuous unicorn. Ebony Bracken is his straight-faced, common-sense and eternally exasperated earth pony friend from foalhood. Beginning during the disastrous battle that started the events of When the Snow Melts, these two get separated from the army and end up going on a winding adventure that has only a peripheral relation with the ongoing war between Celestia and Luna. We also get side stories of the Equestrian General Dray and the sky pirate Captain Gretel.
If I had to describe this story with one word, it would be ‘meandering.’ If a second option were requested, it would be ‘worldbuilding.’ Indeed, it seems to me as though the dominant purpose of this entire story is to act as a springboard for Bluespectre to explore worldbuilding concepts. The characters go everwhere, from the frozen home of the Wendigo (who are a lot nicer than we thought) to the trade cities of Llamalia and even, if very briefly, to the alternate dimension in which the Crystal Empire has been sealed. As an afterthought, the author actually returns to Equestria every now and then to show us how the war’s going.
On the one hand, I enjoyed the overall adventure. We are introduced to a slew of new characters, many quite interesting. If I were to judge this story based upon the adventure alone, I’d be giving this story top marks. The worldbuilding is stellar, the characters interesting, the battles compelling. However, it’s all bogged down by the simple fact that Bluespectre tries to do too much in a single story, and even without that there are a number of questionable decisions.
Let’s start with the romance. Apparently, Bluespectre’s concept of romance is “everyone falls in love at first sight, period.” It’s not so bad with Neira, who at least had a few months to grow into her target of affection in spite of blatant suggestions within the first hour of their meeting. Less inspired is Captain Gretel who, after a single night of fight and flight, falls head over hooves for a pony for no discernible reason, and he for her. The fact that this relationship makes up the reason behind a good third of the story doesn’t help.
Worse, we have Pickles, a mare who makes a living off the pleasuring of males, but for no reason whatsoever fall head over hooves for a stallion probably half her age after a single night that involves nothing but physical pleasure, and vice versa. This is a mare who can be considered an expert at unemotional contact and anti-relationship views, having bedded who knows how many others, but oh, no, this one guy is melting her heart just by showing up at her doorstep in the middle of the night reeking of drink. Somehow we’re supposed to believe this?
Oh, but she wasn’t the worst: Nightmare Moon. Yes, that’s right, the great evil, she who kills ponies for looking at her funny, the mighty conqueror and demon, falls in love with a simple soldier after one meeting, and this relationship not only defines half of the story, but a major aspect of the ongoing war. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that validates this except the author deciding it must be so. It is probably the single most eye-rolling aspect of the entire story and put a significant strain on my overall appreciation of the character and what the author was trying to do with her.
Which brings me to the next big topic: tangents. Now, I’m willing to be a bit more lenient towards this, because while it was something of an issue for me, I think there are plenty of people out there who won’t mind at all, and may even applaud it. Bluespectre clearly has an agenda with this story, and that agenda involves humanizing (or equinizing, as the case may be) both sides of the war. This means taking great strides to paint the thestrals as just everday folks with a very different culture, who have just as much to gain and lose in the war as the Equestrians, while at the same time painting the Equestrians as being capable of just as much brutality and villainy as their dark counterparts. In short, neither side is really ‘good’ or ‘evil.’
That is perfectly fine to do. Some would even consider it laudable. I, however, would have appreciated this effort much more if the author had found some way to do it within the bounds of the actual story rather than creating entirely new, largely unrelated stories to handle it. This should be a story about Bracken, Chalk and Celestia, and maybe Gretel and Dray given their important presence. We don’t need some random event on the side detailing a nobody thestral soldier’s hunt for revenge, or the cameo appearance of a character from the origin story for no reason except to showcase the effects of cultural displacement on thestrals, or a glimpse into the life of ‘the other sky pirate captain.’ Everything that Bluespectre did to apply some decency and compassion to the thestrals or build up the world could have easily been handled through the main story with just a little bit of effort, and that’s why I look upon these tangents with a jaded view.
And then, there's the unanswered questions. In some instances, these are good things to have. Bluespectre, however, focused on them to an unfortunate degree, making it so that a great many characters we've come to know and appreciate, such as the Lord of the Wendigos, disappear from the story completely. We know he and his family were involved in the final battle, but what happened to them? You are never told, and that's just one instance. What about the thestrals? Or Thorn, or Cove, or the Tribal Ponies? I'll grant that telling us nothing can work as a realistic slant, but since the author had no reservations about showing us the perspectives of everyone as the mood suited them, this defense fails to be acceptable. Saving length is no ecuse either; we're already over 400k words, I don't think adding another 30k or so is going to exacerbate the problem any further.
We also have questionable transitioning. On the macro scale, the best example is when we randomly jump across months of time with no warning, no expectation and little effort to smooth things out. This happens on three separate occasions, the first two being the most egregious: we’re starting off in a frigid cave and we’re afraid of Wendigos and we’ve been through so much andohnonevermind we’re at war just outside Canterlot! This was nothing but confusing and didn’t do a single thing to pull readers into the story, which is what the first chapter of any story is supposed to do.
On the micro scale, the events are incessantly plagued by rapidfire PoV shifts from character to character at the speed of thought. There will be many occasions where Brack is going on a lengthy inner monologue and so we need to feel Chalk’s pain because wait it’s Chalk’s PoV now no it’s Gretel’s because we shifted PoV four times already and now it’s Bracken’s again. This isn’t helped by certain scenes where the author completely ignores setting and narrative action. In one instance, for example, Chalk and Bracken are talking in one building and decide they need to go grab their things from the inn and they keep on talking and discussing matters about what they need to do and alright we’re ready to go and wait when did they go to the inn to get their stuff too late we’re leaving now.
And all of this rides along with the constant feeling of disappointment that the reason I was so interested in reading this story in the first place and getting into it’s 400,000+ words is because I fully expected this to be a story about a war and instead find myself following to bumblers on a rambling, crazy path across Equestria and beyond.
There are some other issues, but I’ll settle with these, the most bothersome. However, don’t take this to mean that Ice Fall is a bad story. On the contrary, it’s a sweeping epic of adventure with big ambitions, a massive effort of worldbuilding and well-orchestrated themes of similarities among enemies and the horrors of conflict. With improved marketing and a tighter narrative direction, this could have been solid gold.
Now, Bluespectre asked me if I could identify just why this story hasn't garnered much attention. In all honesty, most of the things I’ve already mentioned have nothing to do with it, because you have to actually delve into the story to see all of that.
The first issue I would identify is that it’s a sequel. In my experience – as one who writes a lot of sequels – every subsequent story in a series is doomed to receive much less attention than its predecessor. This isn’t a die-hard rule, but it does seem to be common. Another aspect is that a lot of people will immediately hesitate upon seeing a story’s sequel status because they often feel obligated to read the original material first. They see ‘sequel’ and no suggestion that the story is standalone (which, largely, it is) and all they think is “Crap, you mean I’ve got to read another 140,000 words on top of all that’s in here? Screw that, I’m gonna find a Lunar War story less demanding of my time.”
Honestly, I’m not sure what you can do about that other than include the aforementioned disclaimer in the description.
Now, let’s say you are trying to lure in those who read the original. This is a problem, because the description for the story doesn’t appear to be related to anything at all with When the Snow Melts. When a sequel comes around, people are in it to see the characters they’ve come to know and love again, and your description makes it clear that they’re probably not getting that. Boom, off goes the enthusiasm.
Of course, there’s also the fact that the story is over 400,000 words long. Given most people lack the patience to go through a 5,000 word one shot, you’re really narrowing your audience there. Granted, this shouldn’t have been an issue in the early stages of the story.
But I think the brunt of it comes down to being just a drop in the ocean. You’re initial fanbase headcount is low, the main topic that your story is supposedly (but not really) focused on is a common one, and there are hundreds of stories running through the Fimfiction mill every day vying for attention. Sometimes, getting noticed is less about content and more about getting noticed, which itself often comes down to sheer luck.
Let not your heart be troubled, Bluespectre. In my experience, the best cure for low recognition is persistence and productivity. I might recommend that you try releasing more one shots, which are proven to be far more effective at garnering attention and can serve as a form of advertising for yourself and your bigger stories. There’s a clear talent in the stories I’ve read so far, but that talent needs to be honed. I’ll be keeping an eye out for more interesting material from you in the future.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Don't Feel
5,991 Words
By ArgonMatrix
Re-Read
Ah, the ever-predictable “Let’s Mourn for the Golden Oaks Library” fic. I’m sure most people saw these coming from the instant Tirek turned that tree into a crater. While I tend to avoid the predictable story ideas like the plague, that doesn’t mean they can’t make for some worthwhile material. Don’t Feel has the advantage of being the first (and thus far, only) story I’ve read with this premise.
And yet, this isn’t really a story about the Golden Oaks Library. Where I expected a bunch of talk about how special it was and how we’re all going to miss it and Tirek is an ass and yadda yadda yadda, I instead get a story about the importance of emotions. Don’t get me wrong, all those things do come up, but they feel less like the center of the story and more like the catalyst for it. For defying that one expectation, this story earns brownie points.
Don’t Feel is also a great showing of Spike’s character, both the good sides and a little of the bad. The lesson he imparts to Twilight about her image vs. her life is very fitting, I felt, and works well with the setting.
This story might not ‘wow’ me, but it’s a great example of how to utilize an obvious premise in a strong fashion. If I never read another story of this particular type again, I won’t mind.
Oh, but one thing did consistently bug me: it’s spelled Owlowiscious, darn it!
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
You Make My Whole Life Worthwhile
104,673 Words
By Steel Resolve
Sequel to I Love to See You Smile
I Love to See You Smile was a nice little romp in which Rarity and Pinkie discover their love for one another. Thing is, I always saw either of them as being more into Fluttershy than one another, at least in all my interpretations of the characters.
How interesting it is then that You Make My Whole Life Worthwhile seems to have been created with precisely that viewpoint in mind. In this story, Fluttershy inadvertently watches Pinkie and Rarity going at it like rabbits in the Carousel Boutique’s showroom. This awakens feelings of the sinful variety within the pegasus, but more importantly, it kindles an awareness of a latent crush. Now Fluttershy must fight her own desire to be with one of them in the hopes that these feelings will just go away, otherwise she could become a vicious wedge in a beautiful relationship.
This story follows in the hoofsteps of its predecessor in many ways, not least of which is the inclusion of detailed sexual (mis?)conduct. While that sexual presence is indeed strong whenever it arises, it is not as constant as it was in the last story, with far more focus being set upon the characters’ individual goals and the consequences of their collective actions. This doesn’t necessarily elevate it above I Love to See You Smile, but rather puts it on even ground for different reasons.
Not least of which is that the romance of this story felt far more solid and stable than it did in the last one. It feels almost as though Fluttershy was a puzzle piece, without which the entire relationship felt off. Perhaps that aspect was intentional from the beginning and – while I doubt it – if so then I am thoroughly impressed.
One aspect I took issue with is the characterization. On the one hand, we have Rarity and Pinkie, who are both portrayed remarkably well, perhaps more so than they were in the previous story. Rarity’s reaction to Fluttershy’s ‘invasion’ of her ‘territory’ felt very real and appropriate to her. I speculate that she probably wouldn’t have been so harsh about the whole thing in-show, but that’s a tough call and not one I’d hold against the story. Pinkie too is excellently displayed, always maintaining her randomness but perfectly capable of being serious as the situation requires.
Fluttershy is where I feel things were a little off. Given what we’ve seen of her in the show, I don’t believe she’s half as skittish as Steel depicts her, especially considering the timeframe in which the story takes place. Yet that’s not quite the correct interpretation, because it’s not as if Steel ignores her character development. Rather, he seems to have decided that nervousness, fear and worry are a minute-by-minute constant of Fluttershy’s very existence, which I do not believe is supported by the show at all. As a direct result, a lot of her scenes felt strange and awkward because the Fluttershy being displayed was unfamiliar to me.
Of course, character personalities are largely up to interpretation, so this complaint could be considered subjective.
Beyond that, the story is solid. Especially the first half, which I read eagerly. I was downright excited to get to the story every day as I watched the three characters struggle to resolve their triangle issues. What comes after is no less worthwhile, although the intensity of the situation does get a significant downgrade by the time we get to, say, the rock farm. Even so, the plot progression was logical, interesting and wholly believable given the presentation of the characters.
I think the only real issue I have is that the ending with the wedding felt a bit too ‘happily ever after’ for my tastes, and I’m not sure the final scene was even necessary save to satisfy a few unanswered questions from both stories. But c’est la vie, right? If Steel wants to add one last bit to a completed story, who am I to argue? Especially considering I might have done something similar myself.
Fun, endearing, at times raunchy, You Make My Whole Life Worthwhile was a nice read through and through. It definitely does well enough to match its predecessor, and in some ways exceeds it. I might even argue that it could stand on its own as a story, provided you were willing to just accept RariPie from the beginning. Consider me pleased.
…
Alright, back to waiting for Green.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXIX
Paul's Thursday Reviews XL
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVIII
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
Smooth move, XLIX! :V
I've always found it odd:
That the highest-rated story on my AugieDog account is a 3,000 word "post library tree" piece. But then most of my other stuff is closer to novel-length, so it might just be that it's a quick read...
Oh, and I was wondering--on your "Authors" list, I've got 2 points as AugieDog and 4 points as Baal Bunny. Does any sort of "associative property" come into play here, or is each account strictly on its own?
Mike
4221985
Ah, short attention spans. The ruin of many a long story writer.
And the author scores are based on individual accounts. I would be too much of a nuisance for me to go through looking for everybody's alt names, so I don't bother with it.
Semi-related: authors who change their names annoy me. Do you know how many links break on me every time someone decides to do that? Too many.
Very, very nice. I enjoyed the hell out of writing Worthwhile, and I'm glad you seem to have liked it as well.
Rewatch "putting your hoof down" now that you've read this.
Wonder why Rarity was just there at Sugarcube helping out in the morning? Why Rarity and Pinkie were showing Shy how to haggle and flirt? In a certain light, it could almost be viewed as Fluttershy getting jealous 
, then Pinkie and Rarity going over to forgive her. Just sayin...
While I included many such scenes in Smile, Worthwhile was a different sort of story, and I felt any scenes of a sexual nature needed to be of particular importance.
When you read Green, you'll wonder about such things as well. Aftshadowing is as effective as foreshadowing. All it takes is observance of past events in a new light and suddenly it looks like there was a larger plan all along. There was, of course. It's called "write an interesting story."
Well, this Fluttershy was afflicted with Tragic Backstory ™. Her skittishness was a direct result of that. Besides, I enjoyed building her back up in the story. By the end, she was positively assertive!
After everything I put Shy through, I wanted that happy ending as much as Rarity did.
I think any proper story, even a sequel, needs to be complete enough to be read on its own. Glad this one held up in that department.
Heh... doing the best I can. I promise I'm not lengthening it pointlessly, but god I adore writing it.
4221985
Sound like you're in pursuit of a quite rare accolade: A PaulAsaran double follow
Thanks for the feedback... again!
Thanks for the review!
I'll admit that the criticism surrounding the ending is entirely valid, and something that, if I had my druthers now, I'd probably go back and change. At the time I thought it worked alright, but as of now it's just not up to my usual standard of writing. Having a proofreader would probably help too.
Still, I've got to work with what I have, and I'm interested to see what (if any) review you have for either of the next two stories in the future!
4222199
I'm suddenly remembering:
A bumper sticker I saw on cars when I was a kid--"Don't follow me! I'm lost!"
The division of labor between AugieDog and Baal Bunny is all because of the Writeoff. I'd already had AugieDog stories get selected for inclusion in the Pony Fiction Vault and the Royal Canterlot Library by the time I heard about those contests, and I decided that I wanted to enter completely anonymously. Unfortunately, I'm pretty terrible at keeping secrets, so the only purpose the two accounts serve now, as far as I can tell, is to keep things confusing...
Mike
Thanks for the review, man! For various reasons, Candle in the Sky was an absolute pain to write, but I think what resulted one of my better fics (in fact, I used the feedback to create a revised human version, which then helped me get into university – I start next week!). So it’s always nice when people say that they enjoyed it
I've made my own foray into PH...not an enjoyable one for me.