Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVIII · 12:29am Sep 16th, 2016
This is it, folks. As of right now, I have no more backlogged review blogs. For the next several weeks, I will be just barely getting reviews created fast enough to keep up with this blog. Some will even be written on the day of posting.
Why has this happened? Simple: I've had a whole bunch of big (i.e. 100,000 - 400,000 word) stories lined up one after the other, and with my self-imposed 30,000-word-per-day limit I have ended up with a severe bottleneck. I could have pushed some reviews around to make more room, but I chose not to, and this is where we are. Heck, I spent the last two weeks reading the same three stories side-by-side-by-side with only one or two other reviews for smaller stories being written in the meantime.
What does this mean for the blog? Hopefully nothing. But if by chance something happens that pulls me away from my required reading for a few days, I may be forced to put a blog off for a week. Let's hope that doesn't happen, yes? I think the worst about it right now is that I can't select anything for the Round Robins right now because of that same bottleneck. The good news is that I'll soon have some review sets with nothing but shorter stories, so I may be able to reclaim my old lead. Keeping my fingers crossed!
Alright, enough news. Time for the good stuff.
Stories for This Week:
Inferno by DemonBrightSpirit (Requested by Twi-Fi)
The Sun & The Rose by soulpillar (Requested by SorenPixels)
Predictable by DR-Fluffy (Requested by DR-Fluffy)
Try by SleepIsforTheWeak (Requested by SleepIsforTheWeak)
The Monster in the Twilight by Georg (Re-Read)
Total Word Count: 238,672
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Inferno
29,862 Words (Incomplete – On Hiatus)
By DemonBrightSpirit
Requested by Twi-Fi
The only reason I didn’t have this story in my RiL already is that when it first came out I already had a DBS story in the RiL, and I try not to have the same author in it more than once as a means of controlling how fast the RiL grows. So when Twi-Fi asked me to review it, I was kinda happy about it.
Inferno begins with the discovery that Ponyville is on fire. Literally. Now, this isn’t like your typical story where things go well and everyone’s okay and now we move on to the why. Half of Ponyville is wiped off the map overnight, and a number of ponies we know don’t make it. And yet, this isn’t a horror fest; BemonBrightSpirit handles the entire event in a believable and respectful fashion, which automatically puts this story a level higher than its competition. The reality of the aftermath only makes it better.
I have often remarked to my friends in casual conversation that I know what it’s like to be on fire. Let me state that a bit more directly: I have been on fire. I don’t mean getting burnt by a match or putting my hand too close to the fireplace, I mean face-first, half my body alight, fully and truly on fire. I was just a kid and it’s a miracle I don’t have any scars. Once you've experienced it, you understand why depictions of Hell as a place of eternal flame are so powerful.
Having said that, I greatly appreciate DBS’s approach to handling this subject matter. Most of the horror we get is aftermath, and that’s more than enough. I’m not saying that seeing a pony on fire would have been uncalled for, I’m just saying that he didn’t take the horror route and go into excessive, unnecessary details, which these days I’ve come to expect from a lot of authors. Also appreciated is the characters’ reactions to the fire afterwards, which felt real. Almost brutally so.
And I’m still affected. Knowing that certain characters died – knowing how they died, and being able to vividly imagine it due to my own memories – is more than enough to give me chills.
Of course, this does mean that I am a bit biased towards this story, so make of this review what you will.
As to the story, it starts off strong and generally stays that way. There are a couple things I don’t care for, however. First of all, the fire has a purpose. No, not in-story, although it can be argued that it plants the seeds for the background elements. But that’s just it: the things that become background elements by the current point shouldn’t be background elements. And this problem starts with the discovery that not only was the fire an act of arson, but there’s some mysterious group of powerful enemies of harmony involved.
As soon as I saw this, my pleasure fell a few notches. What could be an amazing story of healing and self discovery has rapidly started turning into a mystery and pony hunt, which is taking away from the very thing the title, the description and the entire first half of the story claims is the central premise. This had all the seedings of an excellent bittersweet slice of life, and it’s growing into something it doesn’t need to be.
Why does every bad thing that happens in Equestria have to be the result of some great villain, cult or ne’er-do-wells? Do they not have natural disasters? Could a devastating fire not be the result of an accident? I attest that this story started off strong because there was a sense that the fire didn’t have a some menacing intelligence concocting its actions in the background.
Now I’m not saying that Inferno is bad. Far from it, it’s shaping up to be something very interesting, and I wish DBS hadn’t put it on hiatus. All I’m saying is that by changing the direction of the story a few chapters in, the author lost the best of its potential.
Bookshelf: Worth It
The Sun & The Rose
101,704 Words
By soulpillar
Requested by SorenPixels
There are a number of clichés that make many people – myself included – wary of the HiE genre of fanfiction. Blatant self-inserts, gary stues (and occasional mary sues), harem-esque tales, the list goes on and on. And yet the risk is sometimes worth it. Every now and then, an author comes along who takes the single most blatantly obvious and insipid concept in the history of the MLP fandom and makes proper use of it.
Enter soulpillar’s The Sun & The Rose, timed shortly after the conclusion of England’s War of the Roses in the latter half of the 15th century – or, as it is recognized in Equestria, the 5th Century. We meet Gareth Fletcher, a ‘hero’ of the war suffering from a distinct case of PTSD. As it so happens, Gareth met and fell in love with a beautiful woman named Cecilia who claims, quite directly, to be the princess of a faraway land called ‘Equestria.’ She was trapped in the human world for over two years, waiting for a chance for her way home to open.
To Gareth’s surprise, it does, and Cecilia is gone. He thus does the only thing he feels a proper husband can: he follows her. Now stuck in a land of talking horses and learning that his wife’s claims of royalty were far more than just wild imaginings, he faces the prospect of returning to England or staying with his wife. Easy choice. The consequences? Not so much.
The first thing I liked about this story is that, in some ways, it takes a more realistic approach to human/pony interaction. Most of these stories would put Gareth among the ponies and have him fit right in. To a certain degree, this does happen, as Gareth rapidly makes friends with a few ponies in particular and his presence, while largely seen as ‘odd’, isn’t too heavily criticized. I am willing to accept this; in a world with griffons, hydras and diamond dogs, a human would probably be just another drop in the ocean for the ponies.
But for Gareth it’s an entirely different situation. His wife is a horse. Not some beautiful creature to attract him, a horse. Whereas every other HiE would make this okay without explanation, Gareth goes through the hard process of acclimating to her new form and has a lot of trouble doing so. This in particular pleased me; it’s something I wish would happen more often in these stories.
And when you get down to it, the brunt of this story is about Gareth and Celestia learning to accept one another through this dramatic change. Oh, yes, there’s also the social disorder resulting from the throne being vacant for over two years, an outright civil war and a corrupt politician, and they do take center stage. But as far as I see it, they are only the catalyst to the underlying theme.
That said, they’re decidedly good catalysts. In the aspect of how Equestria has fared after Celestia’s absence, I think soulpillar did a good job overall.
There’s just one little glitch to this entire plan: the story may have had editors, but I think another run would have been appropriate. Too many typos, too many comma splices, too many weird word choices. The writing is, overall, pretty good, but I had more than a few places that gave me pause.
Also, I’m not sure I liked the epilogues. Put simply, they don’t feel like epilogues. Instead they seem like an entirely new story, and as such I’m fairly certain they would have served best as a sequel. I imagine such a thing would have worked far more in soulpillar’s favor.
Which leads to my one and only other complaint: where are the side stories and sequels? Come on, soulpillar, you’ve teased at three decades at least of awesome adventures and fantastic tales, and you’re leaving it here? Get to work, darn you!
Ahem.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Predictable
1,981 Words
By DR-Fluffy
Requested by DR-Fluffy
In DR-Fluffy’s Predictable, we have Twilight finally ask that most obvious of questions: why is it that Celestia never does anything at all when Equestria is under threat? Why are she and her friends always sent first when the shit hits the fan? The answer, it turns out, is that Celestia can see the future.
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this theory. As much as I don’t like it, it is supported canonically by Twilight’s Kingdom, although it’s impossible to say based on the show alone whether that was a one-time thing or one of her natural abilities. In this rendition, Celestia already had the gift long ago, and forcefully perfected it after her sister’s exile in order to better protect Equestria.
I found the entire premise as presented to be ‘iffy’ at best. Celestia openly acknowledges that her ‘prophetic dreaming’ isn’t perfect, and yet she is able to accurately predict everything that’s happened in the show so far. She claims that, when she informs Cadance and Shining of her abilities, she already knows exactly how they’ll react. And yet, somehow, she’s anxious about informing Twilight, despite the fact that she should already know exactly what Twilight will say and do as a result, so why is she nervous? If her claim is right, she’d had ten years to prepare herself mentally for this conversation.
But I think what I most didn’t care for in this story was how cut-and-dry it felt. Twilight walks in, asks the question, gets an answer, story’s over. Yes, Twilight did give an appropriate reaction, but then the whole thing fizzled out: “Oh, okay then. Carry on.” Given that this is her mentor she’s addressing, I suppose that’s a possible conclusion, but it just felt… anticlimactic. Much like the previously reviewed story There is no Luna, the story takes what might have been a powerful concept and turns it instead to “here’s the facts, now go away.”
None of this is helped by the poor grammar that runs through the story, mostly involving run-on sentences that makes Twilight speak less like Twilight and more like a hyperactive foal. Or Pinkie Pie.
A concept that isn’t exactly fresh, a delivery that lacks ambition or drama, and a technical presentation that is lacking. And all this when the story received a general rewrite the day before I read it. I’m afraid more practice is required before I can give this one a passing rating. Chin up, DR-Fluffy: I’ll be watching to see if you can improve.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Try
9,028 Words
By SleepIsforTheWeak
Requested by SleepIsforTheWeak
Sequel to Just Give Me A Reason
This story came to me with some unusual circumstances. Its predecessor, Just Give Me A Reason, was already on my Re-Read list, but I’d not read it in a very long time when the author asked I give it a go. I had no choice but to push the re-read ahead by over a month just to refresh my memory. What, you don’t remember seeing the review? There’s a reason for that.
Anyway, Try takes place roughly three months after the rough discussion Rainbow and Rarity had regarding their relationship. Now, after so much waiting and frustration and lingering desire, Rarity has decided it’s finally time to do what they agreed was going to happen. This stirs up a revelation in Rainbow: she’s not willing to call it quits just yet.
This story continues SleepIsforTheWeak’s tradition of bringing the story forward via scene, but in this instance, it cannot get to the conclusion the author desired using that method. As such, dialogue is finally obligated to take some spotlight. However, the dialogue is never forceful in coming forward, instead working together with scene to make for a decent balance. Despite this, there were times when the partnership felt about as difficult and uncertain as Rarity’s and Rainbow’s relationship. It is tenuous, and at times the words spoken feel muted compared to what is happening around them. Rainbow’s outburst near the end of the story is a good example of this: after reading through it all, the narrative informs us that this was meant to be something with flare and a bit of loudness. I found myself thinking, “Wait, it was?”
Simply put, the constant mellow nature of the narrative does little to help when the dialogue tries to move in a different direction, however briefly.
In spite of this issue, the story of Try is as solid as its predecessor, still lingering in the world of realism and bucking off typical romance trends. It is the story of one mare’s struggle to keep something important to her, but without all the feel-good illusion of the common fare. This is not a story you read to feel warm butterflies, it’s a story you read because it demonstrates how real life can sometimes be just as dramatic. As Alfred Hitchcock once stated: “What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out?”
This might be a story starring ponies, but it is still a story about life. Life, relationships, and reality.
I thoroughly enjoyed this one. Although the author’s trademark style struggles in some places, it still earns credit for being so unique and unusually meaningful, not in a fantastical way, but in a way that sticks with you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Monster in the Twilight
96,284 Words
By Georg
Re-Read
Ah, yes. I remember this one. Georg has proven a capable writer in the past, not least with his awesome Night Guard stories.
The Monster in the Twilight takes on a what if scenario in which Celestia proves unable to control Twilight’s initial burst of power at her entrance exam. With ponies already dead and the future of Equestria at stake, she is forced to forcibly remove Twilight to the Everfree via a powerful teleportation spell, after which she assumes Twilight to be dead. This turns out not to be the case; although brain damaged and physically scarred, Twilight lives on in the Everfree, where she is healed and raised by none other than Zecora. The brunt of the story takes place twelve years later, with Twilight being known as ‘Monster’, Celestia fighting to hold back the return of Nightmare Moon, and Trixie as her student.
The first thing I feel should be pointed out is Monster. I always knew Twilight had a great capacity for being cute, but somehow this rendition of her comes off as even more so. It is a bit sad given that her mangled speech and simple, permanently foal-like mind is the result of her severe trauma, yet I couldn’t help but grin every time she called for another ‘buk.’ Her characterization is at once endearing, pitiful and allowing for an interesting dynamic, all while maintaining enough of the Twilight we all know to make her readily recognizable.
Trixie would be my second favorite character in this story. Her abrasiveness is turned up to eleven, which makes her seem at first to be a bit overdone and unlikeable. Then we learn what she’s put up with for the past twelve years and it makes a good deal of sense, thereby shifting her from an annoying trope to a solid, well-rounded character. Ignoring those of you who hate Trixie on principle, I believe she’s a rendition to enjoy.
Aside from those two aspects, the rest of the story is a rollercoaster of positives and negatives.
Georg makes an attempt at worldbuilding, which at times seems fascinating and expansive. But then the story goes into long tangents and extrapolations and explanations, tangents that consistently take away from the flow of the story and make it less an adventure and more of a grinding slog through ancient facets. Those who want to see a lot of worldbuilding will be in for a treat, but there will be plenty others who may gaze at the ever-recurring asides and wish Georg would just get back to what’s important to the plot.
To worldbuild is good, but I think Georg tried too hard. This was most apparent to me when a bunch of side-scenes were brought up involving thestrals (or Nocturne, as Georg dubbed them) and the effects Nightmare Moon’s return had on them. It’s one thing to provide a little backstory, it’s another to try to create some touching side event involving characters we don’t know, are not invested in and only appear in the story for one scene. It would be different if we knew anything about these characters, but we don’t, and I therefore don’t particularly care about or desire the sudden inclusion of them.
Similar in trouble are the intended comedic side elements. Monster trying to earn Big Mac’s approval? Okay, cool. It adds to her character growth a bit and felt like a natural addition. Unnameable eldritch monstrosities in pools being afraid of Monster? Leopards getting caught up in unfortunate circumstances? A Manticore struggling to control her cubs? Humor is one thing, but this humor did little save distract from the main story and, at times, ruin the mood. If it had happened once or twice, fine, but this story is outright riddled with the things.
Then we get to the emotion. Now, for the most part Georg did a solid job here. Nothing seemed out of place or particularly off… except at the end, when Luna and Celestia reunite. We then promptly get so many tears described in so many ways that it feels as if the author is beating the reader over the head and saying “You will cry, damn it!” I get it, Celestia and Luna are happy to see one another and have a lot to talk about. That’s fine, but there’s a difference between showing emotion and force feeding it, and that scene pole-vaulted the line.
Overall, this story is a mixed bag. It’s got plenty of great moments, but the story itself is overlong due to excessive tangents and winded explanations. It tries too hard to deliver a sweeping backstory and worldbuild, for while the information conveyed is indeed interesting, its method of delivery – information dumping – does it no favors. It tends to focus more on the ‘cute’ and ‘fun’ aspects than the actual plot itself, the alicornication of Twilight feels needless, and there are simply too many things being done at once. The character building is stellar and a highlight to the story, but that alone is not enough to cover for the issues involved.
Even so, while this is certainly not Georg’s best work, it does provide an interesting new world to explore, and that option is made possible through the ongoing sequel. I am curious enough that I’ve decided to read part of the sequel (which I now know may not be ending anytime soon) and see what the future may bring.
Bookshelf: Worth It
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The Monster in the Twilight was 'bent' a little by being written roughly one chapter per week from January to August, 2013, in a giant 34 chapter writing spree. I'm *never* going to write a story that long, in that way again. The time pressure is murderous. What is worse, I had just gotten done writing The Traveling Tutor's first story in very much the same fashion and I should have *known* that kind of schedule was a killer. Both stories went back into multi-month editing and cleaning sprees afterward, but Tutor had *three* passes before I could really be proud of it, and Monster *still* has people finding typos in it. (Thank you, Cursed Quill. I'll get them fixed shortly)
Yeah, the last chapter of Monster resembled a nervous breakdown partially because I was just about a chapter from one myself.
I will stick up for the Nocturne chapter, however. Although it was one of the hardest for readers to 'get' mentally, it provided a pivot point from 'Celestia has given up all hope that her sister is alive and is planning to sacrifice herself to save Equestria' to the far heavier 'Luna is still alive somewhere in Nightmare Moon and..."
Still with head bowed, the Night Guard refused to meet her eyes. “Your sister made us, the three races of the Nocturne, before the Nightmare consumed our brethren. You are only her sister; we are more than her children. On the Night of Creation, Nightmare Moon’s power transformed our bodies, but Luna passed on a tiny spark of her soul to each of our ancestors. If she were dead, we would know it in our hearts. She lives.”
Words failed Celestia for the longest time. When she finally could speak, it was only with a raspy voice within a hairsbreadth of breaking into tears.
“You meant to bring peace to my soul, with the knowledge that my sister still lives. Instead you bring me ashes, as now I must kill Luna in order to save all of my beloved ponies. You meant well, as I did then, but please. Pray for my success, and mourn for the both of us. That is all I will ask of you. Do not hate me for destroying your Goddess of the Night. Forgive me.”
Pumpernickel finally looked up to meet her immortal gaze. “No, My Princess. We shall not forgive you, for there is nothing to forgive. We know within our hearts that you will be victorious, and bring our Princess of the Night back to us once more.”
There was nothing she could say in return. The Nocturne slid away from her path as she stepped to the balcony. Across Canterlot, in every shadow of every tower and building, she could see the glow of trusting golden eyes. Waiting. Watching. Believing.
Princess Celestia spread her wings and slowly flew off into the darkness to kill her sister.
I'm glad you enjoyed my recommendation as much as i did, and i agree, it would have been nice to see more from this AU, be it sequels, prequels, side stories, or just Word-Of-God style points dropped outta nowhere. I didn't notice any typos myself however, but then again maybe I did and simply didn't remember. Either way, I liked it.
As for the others, they seem interesting enough.
- Last words of Horizon (977 CE - 1016 CE)
4211959 I thought I was doing so good getting up to Chapter 26 on this one, only to find out I was only about 4% done.
4211959 don't make Paul drown in farts and poop.
He deserves a better way to die.
4211987
I dunno. He has been on fire.
The Sun & The Rose is the only HiE fic that I ever put on my favorites list (so far). I agree that it's strict avoidance of major HiE cliches and its realistic tone are its greatest strengths.
That said, it did have several plot elements that bothered me. The fact that Gareth is Anti-Magical is its own cliche, and serves as both a lazy way to make him special and a plot contrivance. There's also the fact that the mirror changes the species of Celestia when she travels each way, but doesn't change Gareth's, another unexplained conflict-creator.
I read up to chapter seven before stopping. That was more due to my short attention span, however, than the quality of the story.
4212087
That might be more merciful.
I'm a little late to the party here, but I wanted to say thanks for the review. It had been so long that I forgot I asked for this review.
Even after my third rewrite it still boils down to "Twilight walks in, asks the question, gets an answer, story’s over." Although, I think I at least managed to get the dark tone that was going for in the original idea for the story. This story may have been better as a scene for a larger story rather then a story itself.
4319157
Eh, it happens. I'm supposed to send notices to the authors of each story I review, but I've been falling down on that job in the past few months. We'll just have to wait and see what I think of Wrath of a People, although it may be a long while before I get to it. Stupid RiL growing out of control...
Meanwhile, thanks for the follow!