Paul's Thursday Reviews XL · 12:09am Jul 15th, 2016
Well. I just had a fun time redoing two weeks' worth of my reading schedule, because I somehow ended up weaving one week's material into it twice. 
Verily, I am an idiot. Two-and-a-half hours later, my schedule looks like it's supposed to, and I sincerely hope I don't make such a dumb mistake again.
Moving on!
Today, I get to review a story that I found almost profoundly appealing. Which one is that? Read on.
Stories for This Week:
Nothing to Say by DuncanR
Families by Darth Link 22 (Sequel to Post Nuptials)
Cadance's Musings by DeathFox4 (Requested by DeathFox4)
Immortal Dreams by TadStone (Re-Read)
Long Road to Friendship by The Albinocorn (Completed Story)
Total Word Count: 327,123
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Nothing to Say
11,442 Words
By DuncanR
Y’know, when I look at the tags, the cover art and the description of this story, I expect something depressing and maybe even a little worrying. Having read it now… yeah, it almost feels deceptive.
Nothing to Say stars Pinkie as she lived prior to the Sonic Rainboom. Having been homeschooled all her life at that point, she’s just started going to the local school and is rapidly learning to make friends – something she’s never had a chance to do before. When the schoolkids start asking questions, however, the story – or lack thereof – of Old Mare Bramble comes up. Nopony knows anything about her, except that she is the Pie Family’s neighbor, lives all alone in her farm, and hates trespassers. Since there are no facts to offer, and kids will be kids, stories begin to form…
As I said, the cover art and description left me with the impression that there would be some serious sad material here. Instead, we get a story of friendship and playfulness. Itty Bitty Pinkie Pie spends most of the story making friends, having a sleepover and hearing stories about the scary mare down the road, and it struck me as more ‘cute’ than sad.
That’s not to say that sad stuff isn’t present. The mystery of Old Mare Bramble does lead to a sad backstory, which Pinkie inevitably figures out, and there are some serious topics brought up. At the same time, I think a little more time could have been given to the old mare, and perhaps a little more descriptive work put into the scenes involving her.
I don’t mean to imply that this story was bad, though. It was interesting, even if it lacked the flare of most stories I favor. Problem is, I feel like I’ve read it before; it felt not unlike Scout and Jem taking in stories of Boo Radley.
Other curiosities arise. Inkie Pie is a great example, and I loved the duality of her acting like a brooding kid in the ‘terrible teens’ phase of life while also being a surprisingly supportive and capable big sister. But then there’s the curiosity of the missing third sister. Everyone who paid attention to Call of the Cutie knows that Pinkie was depicted as having two sisters back then, but this mysterious second sibling is nowhere to be found. There’s not even a passing mention. Again, curious.
All in all, I feel that this story had great purpose but lacked in content. There’s a sense that this could have been a beautiful ‘coming of age’ story for Pinkie had it been permitted to grow beyond what it is. It’s decent, but it could have been a lot more if the author had just chose to work at it for a bit longer.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Families
88,134 Words
By Darth Link 22
Sequel to Post Nuptials
Well, this was a nice little continuation of a decent story. Families takes off right where Post Nuptials concluded, with Twilight and her friends returning home from a highly emotional wedding in Canterlot. They get no time to relax, though, as a number of issues rapidly begin to spiral out of control, including: Pinkie having to confront the family she ran away from in this AU, Rainbow trying to determine if Scootaloo is suffering from child abuse, Spike’s feelings of overwhelming guilt regarding his failure at the wedding, and growing civil unrest due to a newspaper editor out to ruin the lives of the royals.
The best part about this story? It’s nowhere near as confusing as all those issues combined would suggest. Darth Link 22 shows great skill in weaving a large number of webs all at once without plotholes and maintaining a non-stop consistency and clarity. This is something I look for in good stories, and it’s always pleasing to see that someone can get it right. It goes to show that you don’t have to limit your focus on just one or two things to make a compelling narrative.
There are some problems with this, though. A glaring point in this regard is the return of Garble and his two cronies from the Dragon Migration. Now, having them in general isn’t bad. The bad part is that their characterization is nothing more than villain #1, #2 and #3; Garble and co. are about as uninteresting as they can be. They were added to the mix to give us a specific scene, but I’m sure similar things could have been done without adding another set of forgettable villains. The fact that Twilight went into Efreet mode to beat them just adds insult to injury. I can’t stand when people use the flaming version of her from Feeling Pinkie Keen, especially if they expect us to take the story seriously.
Another failure is the long, needless ending summary, which identifies the final status of every character in the story regardless of importance. This means Garble. This means Octavia and Vinyl, whose lump total of involvement in the story was just over 200 words and amounted to little more than a tired, stupid gag. This means the Buffalo who are hunting the changelings, and who have only been mentioned in passing a couple times. And it goes on. All in all, a potentially good ending was ruined by the author’s apparent desire to be inclusive in the extreme.
The story is also rife with typos and poor grammar, and the dialogue is hit or miss. Sometimes scenes turn out to be appropriately emotional. Other times they fizzle out due to unimaginative lines or a choice of words that don’t really fit in the speaker’s mouth. Sometimes the accompanying narrative works wonderfully, and other times it leaves the dialogue to stand alone in the cold without any emotional quality. The inconsistency suggests to me that the author only lingered and worked on the scenes that were most interesting to them and brushed past those that weren’t.
Despite the overall lackluster writing, the story itself is solid. Not only does it explore a wide variety of topics capably, it also addresses some unexpected fan topics. The most notable is Celestia’s ineptitude, which is harped on continuously by the press throughout the story. Directly linked to that – less fan-centric and more real world – is the revelation of the corruptness of the media. I can’t tell if Darth Link 22 was making a political statement or not, but the underlying theme was capably delivered nonetheless. (Personal Factoid: PaulAsaran doesn’t trust mainstream media.)
And then we get Celestia’s counter to the newspaper. Even back when I first read this story and was dead-set in my belief of her incapability, I loved that moment. Seeing Celestia’s response to the story’s main villain was the highlight of the entire tale and made all the flaws worth it.
Okay, so it’s not a perfect story. But it has its moments, and it earns a lot of points in my favor for managing to effectively traverse so many different paths at once. Filled with interesting events one after the other, possessing decent character building and one of my favorite Celestia moments, I think this one definitely surpasses its predecessor. Now I just have to wait for Darth Link 22 to finish the next part in the series.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Cadance's Musings
1,459 Words
DeathFox4 failed to provide any cover art.
Requested by DeathFox4
So, it would appear that DeathFox4 is a fan of mine. That’s still a strange concept to me, this whole ‘fan’ thing. *eyes own follower count uncertainly*
Anyway, Cadance’s Musings have Twilight ask Cadance “What is love,” and then the two have a very brief discussion on the topic. Oh, and Shining’s there... apparently.
What could have been a philosophical romp ended up a one-sided and overlong statement. There are a number of problems with the delivery here, the most important being the author’s choice to stick almost strictly to dialogue to keep the story going. With very few emotional markers and absolutely zero indicators of the passage of time, the entire story reads: “I said this, she said that, I said this, she said that, I said this” and so on. I’m sorry to say that this isn’t how you get readers invested in the conversation. It feels almost like the author wanted to write a philosophical essay on love, then threw in ponies in order to make it permissible to show on FIMFiction.
Oh, DeathFox4 does mention something involving emotion, but it came out weak and unbelievable. A great example is when Cadance brings up how Twilight was rejected at the Royal Wedding, and Twilight immediately responds with tears. No buildup, no emotional indicators, no physical foreplay, just “Oh, the wedding was mentioned, I’m going to cry my eyes out now.” Barring those of extreme emotional imbalance (NB4 “This is Twilight we’re talking about!”), that’s not how it works in reality. It doesn’t help matters that, without any effort made to set up the scene, Shining’s abrupt addition to the conversation left me thinking “Where the hay did he come from?”
We also have to deal with how the conversation is completely one-sided. There’s no drama or conflict in this story, it’s just Cadance talking about what love is, and then Twilight finishing her thoughts. If this was going to be a truly interesting discussion, there should have been a real effort on somepony’s side – presumably Twilight’s – to provide a counterpoint to Cadance’s words. Not only would this have added some life into the story, it also would have given her musings far more weight.
So, DeathFox4, as a friend, let me give you a few suggestions: always make sure there’s a clear and identifiable conflict; if you’re going to go for a dialogue-heavy story, get creative with the discussion to better emphasize emotions and the speed at which sentences are said; better yet, just don’t be dialogue heavy like this; set the scene, preferably early on; don’t just have characters jump into a conversation with zero introduction, intentional surprises excepted; try to preface emotional behavior rather than leaping right into it.
Above all else, don’t be discouraged. “Practice makes perfect” is a cliché for a reason.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Immortal Dreams
6,277 Words
By TadStone
Re-Read
Oh, I remember this one. Who’s up for some Scootasad? Oh, how’s about Scootacide? Prepare for both.
In Immortal Dreams, we find Scootaloo having a dream. It is to be her last dream, for she’s attempted suicide by slitting her wrists. Luna, having recognized the situation, has contacted Rainbow Dash to care for her in the hospital while the princess herself tries to save the filly’s troubled mind.
Right away, there are issues. I really like Scoots, always have, but there’s this ongoing desire from people to make her into a sad and miserable filly, which I frankly don’t buy at all from what we see in the show. She’s depicted in this instance as having a family that despises her, which I suppose is fine – headcanon and all that – but I just can’t rectify the pleasant, adventurous filly from the show with the suicidal doppleganger presented here.
Then there’s the entirely misleading story description, which somehow wants you to believe going in that Scootaloo’s attempted suicide is somehow the fault of Luna and Rainbow… when it is specified by Luna that neither of them could have prevented what happened. Misleading advertising, anyone?
Then we have the voice of Scootaloo, which is far too formal, refined and adult for the filly we all know. Simply put, Scootaloo doesn’t sound like Scootaloo. At all. I get that she’s at the end of her short lifespan and all, but facing one’s own mortality doesn’t change their speaking habits.
On the other hand, I enjoyed Rainbow’s half of the story. That, at least, felt very appropriate in all the ways I would expect, and Rainbow played the part of caring surrogate sibling very well. Now if only the story didn’t lead into one of the two potential solutions that these kinds of fics always do. But it does, so say goodbye to any opportunity for seeing something new in this subgenre.
This story should appeal greatly to anyone who loves Scootaloo or Rainbow/Scootaloo sibling stories – which likely explains its vastly positive rating. In the story’s defense, it hits all the notes it meant to and plays to the Scootasad fans perfectly. But in terms of the overall style, it is greatly lacking, and improvements to dialogue are required. As it exists, I can only recommend it to the specific audience it caters to, and even then I do so reluctantly.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Long Road to Friendship
220,895 Words
By The Albinocorn
Completed Story
After almost three weeks of slowly getting through this, I come away with two thoughts dominating my mind. First: I don’t want it to be over. Second?
All you people hoping to write an awesome Sunset redemption fic can give up now, because you’re not going to beat this.
This story began waaaaay back in 2013, only a scant few months after the first Equestria Girls movie. It required over two years to complete. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you guys who were watching it from the beginning and just waiting for each chapter to roll around. That must have been torture.
Anyway, Long Road to Friendship begins with the revelation that the Elements of Harmony didn’t just defeat Sunset Shimmer; they also slapped her with a curse. From that point on she is magically forced to do anything anyone asks of her – or any request with the word “please” thrown in – and is obligated to answer any question posed to her with complete honesty. Until she can learn to appreciate and value friendship, the curse will remain. Though filled with bitterness and perhaps even a sense of wrath, Sunset begrudgingly concludes that her best bet for escaping her curse is to let the EQG Mane 6 carry out their collective promise to become her friend. What follows is several months of soul searching, self-discovery and frustration.
I found so very little to take issue with regarding this story. Really, looking back, I can only think of one thing that bugged me… and I can’t even talk about it because doing so would spoil the plot! But still, with over 220,000 words and only one thing to look at negatively, I don’t think it matters.
First and foremost: Sunset Shimmer. The Albinocorn’s characterization of her is exceptional. We get to watch her go from bitter, venomous fiend to genuinely concerned and caring friend, which in and of itself is no big deal. I mean, anyone can think of that concept and do a half-ass decent job of it. This is no weakly devised journey, though; Sunset’s transformation is slow, heavy on drama and, above all else, totally believable.
Sunset herself is a delight to watch. From her vicious beginnings to the pleasant end, I found her entirely relatable and entertaining. Her rough edges, her dry humor, her endless internal conflict, her fears and her joys, every moment is endearing. I loved this rendition of her, and I may have difficulty ever seeing her in a different light ever again.
The Mane 6 were no slouches, either. From Pinkie to Rarity, they each shine in full as exemplary renditions of their show counterparts. Each girl has her moment to shine, and while some get more attention than others, I never felt as if any of them were mistreated or overused.
But — A-ha! A second item to criticize! – there is the curious arrival of EQG Twilight Sparkle. And the romance that comes up as a result. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is a great aspect of the story that adds some wonderful drama and a great bit of extra incentive in Sunset’s slowly recovering life. At the same time, I couldn’t help but think “Really? We’re going this route?”
I get it. Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle make for a great pairing. Still, the pairing practically writes itself, to say nothing for the million other stories that do it. I’m willing to take it as a minor issue, as the relationship is exquisitely developed, they do make for a great pairing and this is one of the earliest major stories to feature it. Still, could I possibly get a chance to read a great story starring Sunset that doesn’t involve her getting into a relationship with some version of Twilight? Please?
Moving on, I really think that the great characters made this story. Going outside our primary cast, we still have Trixie and her parents (who are awesome, by the way), Shining and Cadance, and even a few unexpected side characters. I imagine most people will be surprised to find that Flash Sentry isn't a piece of cardboard anymore. All the characters shine in their respective roles, and without them this story wouldn’t have been half as endearing.
The writing is excellent, the pace is more or less perfect (even with the incredible length), and every chapter gives us something interesting. It’s heartwarming, frustrating, funny and sad all in one slow, delectable grind. Every day I looked forward to the next part, and when it was finished I had to force myself not to keep going. I would handle my other reading obligations first just for the sake of getting to the best part of my day last. When I saw the story was ending, I was actually saddened by the realization.
This is the best of Slice of Life, people. It’s stories like these that make the genre great. If I regret anything, it’s that the promised sequel may take just as long, if not longer, to be completed and added to my reading list.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
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Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
Long Road to Friendship was what really started to get me interested in Sunset Shimmer in the first place, and the Sunset x Human Twilight ship. It's safe to say that without that fic, I might never have written Fractured Sunlight in the first place.
You say it gave you a reaction of "Really? This again?" when the shipping came in, and that's a fair reaction now, but at the time it was rather novel and a shining example of it.
Yea, thanks for the suggestions!
Honestly, I wrote it as a one-shot, and wasn't expecting anything out of it since it wasn't a good one-shot.
But then it blows up and becomes my most popular story. *glares at my followers*
So all I have to say is I put more thought into the sequel.
So...hopefully you like that better?
Thanks for reviewing! I wanted to see if I was doing anything special, but yea, it needs work.
4092060
It was nice. Maybe the SunLight was the original purpose, but because the author took his time, it never felt like the primary purpose. More like an extra nudge to get Sunset going. And that's a great thing, because no romance should be just about the romance, not if it's going to be good.
4092101
Interesting. How easy it is to be inspired by others, no? The story has seriously made me rethink the possibility of a What is Missing, What is Lost sequel.
Yeah, I caught that.
4092197
My pleasure. And I will be getting to the sequel... eventually.
Because it's too fucking long, that's why D:
4092482
There is no such thing! *Notes MLP Time Loops* Oookay, maybe there is. But not this! Toughen up, little girl!
4092533 Oh yea! Have fun with that! Maybe I should request one of those two million COMPLETED word stories.
I can understand this very well. For me it isn't so much about which characters are shipped together, but more about whether there was really a need to add a romance subplot or ships. A lot of the times it just feels forced and doesn't add anything interesting.
Now I'm off to transfer Long Road to Friendship into my big list of completed fics to read.
4092482 Its only about half the length of The Lord of The Rings... Then again, RL is taking more and more of my time so I can understand the time needed to read it.
4094897
I actually need to read it soon, it's just hard to slot that many words into my schedule, y'know? :C
A review this early in the morning? Well, this will either make my day, or make me sad for the rest of it. Thankfully, it was the former!
I'm glad you enjoyed the story! I'm just sad you'll have to wait so long to read the sequel because... yeah, it's gonna be a long one.
Hmm. Long Road to Friendship, huh?
....
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Eh, read four chapters, and the writing gave me a headache. To the trained eye it's pretty subpar.
4102185
I think your comment would be vastly more beneficial to everyone involved if you actually bothered to say why it's subpar. As it stands, it's easy to interpret your statement as being from an egoist whose entire argument revolves around "I'm an expert whose credentials you don't need to see and you're going to believe me anyway." And I don't believe you're an egoist.
Care to elaborate?