Paul's Thursday Reviews XVIII · 7:12pm Dec 3rd, 2015
Whelp, folks, for the first time ever, I failed to meet a deadline. Curiously, it doesn't necessarily match the definition. The Silence came out yesterday, as it was meant to, but I was supposed to have two chapters to release that day, and only managed one.
This only highlights the difficulty I've been having lately. Seeking to remedy the issue, I've come to a decision; starting in January, I will be increasing the release times of all my stories by roughly 50%. I will keep things that way until I've managed to get ahead of my writing... assuming I can. In the meantime, all my release dates in my schedule should be considered tentative until such a time as I've managed to get back on track, although I will do my best to keep the releases as close to the dates as I can. I hate being late.
Who wants some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
The Boy Who Cried Wolf by Inquisitor M
The Things We Do For... by obabscribbler
The Djinni's Tale by Snake Staff (Requested by Snake Staff)
Silent Ponyville by SamRose (Re-Read)
Scent of Roses by Winston (Sequel to First)
Total Word Count: 91,914
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 0
Not Bad: 3
None: 0
Ah, Inquisitor M, my old frienemy. One of those haughty types with opinions so strong they budge to sound criticism like a tank budges to the push of a butterfly, who insists that he’s a philosopher (aren’t we all?) and yet has an avatar of some presumably OP and profoundly uninteresting angel; a true sign of his aesthetic, moral and intellectual superiority, I’m sure. How could I dare presume to judge this man?
…
Sorry, M, I just couldn’t resist the temptation to poke a little fun at you while the opportunity presented itself. 
*Returning to serious reviewer mode*
Ahem, anyway.
While I have butted heads with this author in the past regarding the definitions of a good story, let it not be said that his definition is wrong. Nor should we ignore his undeniable talent, which is fully on display with the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf. In this tale, we find an unnamed shaman traversing the lands outside the new-formed Equestria in search of the origins to a well known tale. At last, she finds it in a small village called Dockley, where she at last reveals the purpose behind her long search.
But not before setting the record straight.
This is a story about hate, love, history, revenge and – above all else – the power of words. It is evocative, carefully crafted (as expected), flowing and strong. Many writers struggle with dialogue, but I can safely say that Inquisitor M has it down. I could almost hear the shaman myself as she recited her tale amidst the firelight and the focused ears of the ponies surrounding her.
I don’t want to say too much about the content of the story, for this is something that readers truly should discover for themselves. I can only say that this is a gem. It should also be pointed out that this story is much, much better than the last story I read by this author (which, admittedly, I read years ago). It’s like looking at night and day. It’s at times like this that I regret my determined focus on my guidelines for what to read, otherwise I’d be going through his library right about now.
Regardless of my self-imposed restrictions, this story is great. I can think of nothing – absolutely nothing – to criticize.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Here we have a story about a pair so deeply ingrained into the MLP fandom culture that even the show half-acknowledged it (“best friends” my ass). In The Things We Do For…, Lyra has fallen sick with a cold after walking through a rainstorm, and BonBon has the unfortunate job of caring for her. When a toy company releases a new set of bling bags for the brand “My Pretty Person” – of which Lyra is obsessed beyond reason – BonBon secretly goes to retrieve the toys from the store as a surprise.
On the one hand, the story is a sweet tale about two ponies who are close and doing things for one another both little and big. Lyra is playful, messy and forgetful, and just a bit of a drama queen, whereas BonBon is rigid, neat and focused. Somehow, they work very well together.
On the other hand, this is a story laced with too much info thrown at us in all the wrong ways. If you like exposition, boy, does obabscribbler have a story for you! Your immersion and the flow of conversation will be simultaneously crushed as BonBon takes time to think up long, needless paragraphs of background information. And she does so in just the right way to make you forget whatever the most recent line of dialogue was, and you therefore have no idea what the next line is referring to. Then you realize that, oh, the talking was supposed to be continuous!
Wait, it was?
In summation, what should have been a cute story about two mares sacrificing for one another ended up being unemotional, stumbling and certainly not cute. This is 100% because of whole paragraphs of exposition that appear regularly from beginning to end. If anything, this story is a prime example of why the “show vs. tell” argument exists.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
The Djinni's Tale
By Snake Staff
Requested by Snake Staff
I went into this one blind. I honestly and truly had no idea what to expect. It feels like ages since Snake Staff asked me to review this story.
Now I wish it hadn’t taken so long.
The Djinni’s Tale starts with an unnamed stallion who lives the life of the adventurous explorer, seeking out and discovering all the unknown relics big and small of the world. His latest target is an ancient city hidden in the Saddle Arabian desert. When he at last arrives, he discovers something he never anticipated: a genie in a lamp. Calling herself Djinni, she is literally a small piece of the sun that has been captured, given intelligence and bound as a slave to whoever owns the lamp, complete with the three wishes rule.
Fortunately for Djinni, our hero is a stallion of conscience and can’t stand the idea of using his three wishes immediately just for her to be left alone in the lamp for a few more centuries. Thus he determines a way to give her as much freedom as he can while also achieving his own whims: he asks her to show him every single wonder that exists, a task that will take decades.
This story was fun, amusing and well written. The interactions between Djinni and the nameless stallion kept the story alive from beginning to end. Although some of the steps taken were entirely predictable, it didn’t blatantly rip off the most common elements of genie-related stories. Just familiar enough to be comfortable, just original enough to not be boring. A nice balance if ever I saw one.
I did have one or two complaints, albeit minor ones. First, I don’t see any value in keeping the stallion’s name a secret to the very end. I’ve used this kind of tactic myself when I thought the reveal would be important, but in this case it didn’t seem warranted. It’s not like the revelation brought some new dynamic or spark of comprehension in the reader.
The second thing is something of a nitpick, one I noticed largely because I’ve had people jump me about it. In one chapter, Djinni is seen crying and spends a lot of time trying to talk through her worry and distraction. Th-this was accomp-panied by a t-ton of st-tut-tering throughout her d-d-dialogue. Using this is not intrinsically bad – I incorporate it often – but I think Snake Staff focused too heavily on its use. Everything in moderation, as they say. Wielding this tool like a blunt instrument can lead to the reader being distracted and losing their immersion.
But it was only one scene in one chapter, and still a nitpick, so it didn’t have a significant effect on the overall story.
All in all, The Djinni’s Tale is an entertaining, pleasant and well-paced little romp. It also proved creative, with Snake Staff coming up with some genuinely interesting sights for our heroes to discover. That touch of creativity makes me think that a series featuring the adventures of these two – and showcasing their steadily developing relationship – would be a great addition to the FIMFiction library.
Get on that, Snake Staff.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Silent Ponyville
By SamRose
Re-Read
Ah, Silent Ponyville. A classic of the MLP fandom’s horror subculture. When bronies speak of scary MLP stories, this story practically tops the list, right up there with Cheerilee’s Garden, Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory. So many people have read it and given it their wholehearted approval that, at the time of this review, it’s sitting pretty with almost 1300 upvotes and a whopping 98.2% positive rating.
And this is why I don’t trust public opinion. This story was painful to read through. Again.
In Silent Ponyville, we discover that Pinkie is having debilitating night terrors that are gradually turning her life into constant misery. Fearing for her sanity and clueless as to the reason behind the dreams, she decides to ask Twilight for help. After some brief research, Twilight finds a spell in a book (where else?) called a “Mind Delve” and casts it on Pinkie.
The results sends Pinkie into the hellish, forgotten recesses of her own mind, a world not at all unlike the world of Silent Hill. What she discovers there rocks her to her very core.
Now, when I say “not at all unlike the world of Silent Hill,” I mean that both literally and in a very negative sense. Rather than making a few modifications so that the story can make sense from a literary perspective, SamRose treats Silent Ponyville just like a game. This means finding inventory items like lantern oil conveniently placed in odd locations, using bandages and “health potions” that miraculously heal you, picking up items that you must have to proceed based purely on “a feeling that it’s important,” radios that hiss static whenever enemies are nearby but somehow fail to actually alert said enemies, and puzzles that bar your way.
But this isn’t a video game, it’s a written story, and the presentation for these two types of entertainment are vastly different for a very good reason. By translating the Silent Hill franchise so directly, SamRose challenges the reader to suspend their sense of disbelief to ridiculous levels. Every time I saw something taken directly from a game in this fashion, any immersion I may have had (which, for reasons soon to be revealed, wasn’t much) died.
The second major issue is the writing of the story itself. SamRose – and apparently his proofreader, if one of the joke endings is to be believed – seems to have a very limited concept of English grammar. If poor grammar bothers you, you probably won’t get past the first few paragraphs. And it’s not just grammar, but style as well.
She looked up and around, she had lost track of how much time had passed since she started her little trek, thankful no one had stopped to ask her why she was acting so differently today. She knew the other ponies had started to notice dips in her cheeriness, ever since the dreams she’d been throwing more parties than ever before, but more and more they weren’t enough.
But her mind had finally calmed down enough now to start thinking more coherently. Her brain was finally not reeling from horror long enough to take deciphering these words seriously.
The butcher’s knife was raised into the air, sparks flying as it had scrapped along the ground.
With all of her might she pulled her back leg in, as the other Pinkie began to throw her head down with all her might to chop the leg off, Pinkie bucked the leg with all of her might into the other Pinkie’s jaw.
Are you scared yet? Say hello to one of the great classics of MLP horror literature.
It’s not all bad, though. Whereas the writing is nothing short of terrible and the use of game mechanics ruins whatever immersion is left, the content of the story is great. Pinkie’s adventure is indeed a horrible one, filled with hideous creatures, traumatizing revelations and a backstory most tragic.
The greatest thing about the story is how SamRose took two of the most overused horror tropes in the fandom – Slendermane and Cupcakes – and utilized them in a way that not only works, but makes sense in the context of the story. You talk about wow. I know it’s a high claim, and there are some (I’m looking at you, PP) who fail to grasp the great use of these common elements, but to me they were wonderfully handled.
Well, except for when Slendermane’s second major appearance ended with him giving Pinkie a gift. That was undeniably dumb. But in every other way, the use of the Cupcakes and Slendermane concepts was about as good as most of you will never expect. Kudos there.
In summation, Silent Ponyville is a story that could have been a horror masterpiece if not for the tragically bad writing style and grammatical ignorance it displays, both of which murder all sense of immersion and provide the true terror of the tale. If the story weren’t as good as it is, this wouldn’t be in my bookshelves at all.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Scent of Roses
By Winston
Sequel to First
Ah yes, another story by Winston. I always look to these with some hope and trepidation. At times they are amazing and at times they fall flat. This being one of Winston’s earliest stories, and knowing how some of those turned out, I admit I was a lot hesitant.
Scent of Roses takes place five years after a war between Equestria and the griffons, a war in which Rainbow Dash was the only member of the Mane 6 to take part in. While Born in Equestria showed her struggle with the post-traumatic stress of that time, this story makes it clear that not everything has been dealt with. When Gilda gets thrown in jail for attempting to cross Equestria’s borders without the proper papers, she sends a letter to Rainbow begging for help. Being loyal to her friend, Rainbow goes with all the evidence she has to prove that Gilda is in fact an Equestrian citizen. The only catch is that Gilda’s been jailed in the town where Rainbow was based during the war, and going back there is set to bring back some things she’s not been able to get over.
As with so many of Winston’s stories in this AU, Scent of Roses has some great parts and some really bad parts. On the positive side, we get to see some decidedly powerful emotional moments. The whole point behind the series is that people who haven’t been through the horrors of war cannot comprehend what it does to you, and this is very well-channeled. Understanding Rainbow’s pain won’t be easy for most readers, and at times it can seem downright confusing, but it still hurts to watch… and by the same token, the conclusion is such a great relief.
Adding to the good parts is the expansion of this AU (which, unfortunately for Winston’s perspective of things, is now truly an AU due to his headcanon for Moondancer). At long last, we really get to know, if indirectly, what things are like in the griffon territories after the war. Short version: it’s not pretty. We also learn a little more about Rainbow’s time in the war and her friend Alabaster, and a few new puzzle pieces are put in place that make little things in stories like Seashell make a lot more sense.
Then there are the issues. Let’s start with Gilda, who felt remarkably out of place even in the context of the story. She’s the catalyst to get Rainbow back to that old border town, but after that she’s… just kind of ‘there.’ Oh, she has her moments where she tries to be helpful and add her two cents, but considering she’s been out of Rainbow’s life for five years, she really feels like the oddball out. And then Winston, in a well-meaning attempt at inclusiveness, ends up reminding us of her unusual and somewhat pointless nature in the story again and again and again by constantly referring to the group as ‘the ponies and griffon’ or ‘the ponies and Gilda.’ I think a simple ‘they’ would have helped out. As it is, most of her parts felt hollow due to the very nature of her presence in the story.
And then there’s the writing style. Winston has always had a slow, ponderous, telly manner to his writing, but in his earlier stories it was exceptionally so. As with stories like Born in Equestria, it doesn’t do him any favors. It may have been okay if it had just been in the narrative, but Winston extends the unfortunate courtesy to dialogue as well, resulting in huge paragraphs that are nothing but one pony speaking, without any interruption. It’s hard to be immersed in what a pony’s saying without giving the dialogue some kind of narrative support, and Winston makes no attempt to do so. As such, even though what Rainbow often had to say was powerful, it often came out a lot weaker than it should have.
Nowhere is Winston’s clumsy handling of narrative and dialogue more apparent than in chapter 4. There is a scene in that chapter that is by far the most powerful, shining through even with the extreme reliance on nonstop dialogue. But then there came this one paragraph. One paragraph, clocking in at a whopping 364 by itself, all dialogue, dialogue, dialogue in a constant stream. And then, at the very end are three little words of narrative: “Rainbow Dash said.”
All immersion disappeared in a heartbeat at my incredulity. I mean, after over half a page of continuous dialogue, had Winston come to fear we’d forget Rainbow was actually speaking? I had to do a double-take and re-read the paragraph just to make sure I’d not missed something, but I didn’t.
With three little words, the entire scene lost its power as I read on in dreadful anticipation of the next mistake.
The good news is that I know Winston has improved since then – a lot. And having read most of the stories in this AU (if not all), I am pleased to have read this one for the sense of completion it grants to the entire series. Scent of Roses is another one of those tales that could have been so much better, but was still worth the experience.
If you want to get the full picture for Winston’s greater stories, like Seashell and Ghost Lights, then this is a must read. If you’re finicky about how stories are written – narrative vs. dialogue, show vs. tell, description vs. imagination – then this might not be the one for you.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Stories for Next Week:
A Very Merry Chrysalis by dungeonguy88
Underneath the Sky by Swift Winds
'Til Sunday Do Us Part by BlazzingInferno (Requested by BlazzingInferno)
Silent Ponyville 2 by SamRose (Re-Read)
For Sonnets and Harmony by The Wizard of Words (Completed Story)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
Paul's Thursday Reviews X
Paul's Thursday Reviews XI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XVII
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
I've never agreed with this concept, to be frank. MLP seems to have multiple iterations of Moondancer (or Moon Dancer) and I think it might actually mean the comics are an AU of their own. In the comics Moondancer is a white pelted unicorn with a mane nearly as fabulous as Rarity with a demeanor fitting Fluttershy. But what I find more important is both the comic depiction and the show depiction are after his publishing date, meaning the only canon he was contradicting was the 3 second mention of a pony called Moon Dancer in the show premiere.
When someone creates a world in a series of stories (or a story serial) that is internally consistent with itself and does not deliberately contradict existing show canon, what you can call such a creation is a 'verse. AU should be reserved for things like the Lunaverse which basically rewrites the rules of the show and replaces all the cast members.
3589850
I never even considered the possibility of an AU and a 'verse as being two different things. I'm not sure that I agree with your definitions, but I suppose I can see the sense in them. Even so, it feels like a bit of needless nitpicking.
But I do agree that, regardless of definition, Scent of Roses only conflicts with the show or comics in the sense of the new material we now have; at the time of writing it was halfway legitimate (massive war notwithstanding).
And actually, Wilson didn't break canon from the premier at all. That little moment still happened, and up until Season 5 we knew nothing else about Moondancer. As such, there's nothing to say she didn't join the military as the story claims.
3589882 It's an important distinction because we have five years of stories that exist in the fandom and they are all written with various degrees of canon inclusion. Being jossed after the fact is not automatically a reason to call a story AU. Frankly, every story in existence could technically be AU if merely containing elements the show disagrees with qualifies it for such. The tag exists for ease of search so that people seeking 'for want of a nail' type universes can more easily find them.
The 'verse distinction merely tells readers they should expect consistency from this author, or from authors who choose to write within that 'verse. But it also tells them to expect that the depiction of characters will be largely show accurate (with minor variations for authorial license) and the world will function in most respects as we are used to it functioning.
3589907
I've always been of the opinion that every fanfiction in existence is an AU by virtue of being a fanfiction. Still, for the sake of definitions within the community, I see your point... although it strikes me as odd that 'AU' by your statement doesn't demand consistency when 'verse does. By that concept, it forces 'verses and AUs to not be mutually exclusive, otherwise there would be no consistency expectation in AUs... which must be consistent within their own set of definitions and storyline.
Anyway, I think I get what you're going for. It makes sense, and forces me to take a closer look at the labels for my own stories. If I follow your logic, then it sounds like the No Heroes AU isn't an AU at all. Oops.
...
This entire topic annoys me a lot more than it should.
Interesting to see what you thought of InquisitorM's story. I remember giving feedback on The Boy Who Cried Wolf before it was finalized, and it didn't fare well with me. I felt the first half of the story was going borderline history lesson without actual relevance to the story. Then, once the secret why the shaman was there had been revealed, I lost all sympathy for her because she moved solely out of lust for vengeance, although the 'boy' seemed to have fared quite well without his village. He wouldn't have met her if things had gone otherwise, would he? The whole thing felt despicable and wrong, and to top it off, the shaman had no evidence to back up her claims.
So, yeah. I liked it for the language and the atmosphere. The writing was brilliant, but the story itself left me wholly unsatisfied and actually a bit angry.
3589986
I seriously doubt she would have possessed the same animosity if he'd actually left home 'happy.' Her lust for revenge would not have come from herself alone; he would have nurtured it. Yes, he very easily could have met her even if things went 'otherwise.' Just because he had a hard time of it doesn't mean he couldn't find love. And he had to have had a hard time; her desire for revenge wouldn't have occurred otherwise. It's not at all implausible that her husband went through a veritable hell prior to their meeting.
And evidence? It's a story about the power of words, not the strength of facts. You're trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. She has the words of her dead husband, fed to her for however long they were together, as her only proof. Why shouldn't she believe him? Wouldn't you trust people you love to tell you the truth? Why would he even tell her such a story if it wasn't true? What advantage would he have in lying to her and instilling this hatred? Evidence or no, she believes his version of the story, and there's enough truth in the nature of the stallion's reactions to it to strongly support the claim regardless.
And her lust for revenge? I am not one to disapprove of such a thing, particularly if the one being targeted is unrepentant... which he clearly was.
3590023 It's not about leaving home happy, it's about having lived life happily in the end. I seriously doubt that in that time and place, which seems to date very far back from the days of online dating and public transport, they would have had a chance to meet if the original boy had stayed in his village.
I also don't doubt she doesn't need facts to believe the boy's story. In fact, she's as biased as can be. It is I who is not convinced by the arguments presented, and the ending implied that the whole village believed her words, which feels forced to me given the lack of proof. Why would he lie, though? That's a good point I must admit. Although, I honestly see a problem in the village leader trying to get rid of a half-breed son after he's been raising him for a couple of years. Like, shouldn't the act of getting a half-bred son be the discrediting act, instead of the raising-beyond-a-certai-point? Seems fishy to me, which is why I doubt the supposedly malicious intent of the father as well.
Last but not least: the vengeance. Yeah, maybe I haven't had the chance (or the misfortune) to hate someone enough to be able to empathize with this, but harboring such toxic feelings for probably decades, and even infecting your loved ones with it, makes me detest the guy. It feels immature and utterly stupid.
Yeah, "Scent of Roses" isn't one of my better stories.
But it was an important stepping stone in the process of learning how to be a better writer.
I honestly hadn't even thought about that Moondancer thing in a while, but at this point you're right, it should be AU as it's currently written.
I keep thinking that one day I may go back and do some ground-up rewrites of a few stories like this one and "Born in Equestria" to fix their deficiencies, but at the same time, I also have new stories to work on, so... I don't know. I should probably ask around and figure out what people want more: completely new stories, or new (hopefully vastly improved) versions of old ones? I mean, the whole remake concept has been big for the movie industry, and they don't always even bother with the "vastly improved" part, do they?
Anyway, as always, thanks for the review!
I'm glad someone else liked The Boy Who Cried Wolf as much as me. :D
Youuuu should read my newest story. :B
3590137
Is that an official request? I'm running low on those right now...
3590190
Officially! V:
I am absolutely terrified somebody is going to request one of the cringe-fics I wrote back in my Freshman year of HS as a joke and I'll have to witness it get torn into.
That said, I'm grateful for the fresh literary meat for the winter break!
Exactly what I said to the author. It's held as some big reveal, and then when you learn the name, it means nothing, except maybe an oblique reference to being a relative of Twilight's, though again, one that's meaningless. Plus it very explicitly tries to make it a big deal by saying early on that he tells Djinni his name, though the narrator very pointedly doesn't say it. If the story had either used his name throughout or had never revealed it, I think it would have been stronger.
The other thing that bothered me was that genies are a very familiar thing in Earth culture, but they're such an obscure thing in Equestria that Djinni has to explain what one is and how it all works, which is obvious to the reader. It's certainly the author's prerogative to do that, but it felt weird to take a commonplace concept and make it so cryptic when nothing essential about it was changed, and it could have just used some original concept instead.
3589942 Well, breaking everything down to brass tacks, I think the difference is this:
A 'verse is a common setting for a series of stories in which common events take place, characters share similar history, and the world at large functions by the same rules. World-building can occur within, and so long as it stays consistent, it's all the same 'verse. The key difference is, in a verse, everything in canon in the show up to the beginning publishing date is assumed to have happened, and is observed as such. Things can happen afterwards that perhaps deviate from our perfect Equestria, but the key point is, everything is the same and then stuff happens.
An AU starts with the premise that a key moment in canon did not happen, and this created a branching point in history that changes everything afterwards. Maybe Celestia was banished, maybe she went mad with power. The point is, the past differed, and now shit happened retroactively and continues today.
And yes, looking at your No Heroes stories, I'd say you've created a 'verse, because canon was observed and bad things happened going forward.