We All know the original story of the TV series My Little Pony FIM. This is a story where Twilight Sparkle is Princess Celestia's daughter and Princess Cadence is Twilight's older sister. Follow Princess Twilight as she goes from being a cute little baby filly to where she comes to a time in her life where she will be chosen to defeat Nightmare Moon, and free her long lost Aunt Luna. She must befriend the mares of the Elements of Harmony in time to defeat Nightmare Moon and save her mother's kingdom from eternal night. How will the events play out with all of Equestria, including the elements of harmony, knowing she's a princess? Well, only one way to find out every pony. Please Read and Comment, and I hope for no flames. This is my first Fimfiction so don't be to hard on me. I do not own any lines or characters from My Little Pony TV series, only OC's I may throw in.
Co-Author: StarStreak96 (many thanks)
Note: Chapters five through eight, and some of chapter nine will be following the episodes one and two very closely, so stay tuned. I also made changes to chapter six, to make it sound more like they treat her like royalty.
http://derpibooru.org
Put in paragraph breaks, it makes the whole thing look better. I also suggest removing helping words such as "is, am, are, was, were, been" because doing so will raise the general quality of your story.
For example, instead of "princess cadence was pacing" "princecess cadence paced"
Not bad but I do believe it is a comb rather than come that one uses to comb hair.
Some small gramatical and spelling errors, but nothing too bad. Interested to see how much this will change later events.
Not a bad start, it has potential to be a good story.
1995784
Thanks for letting me know.
I say don't rush into a romance too quickly, it can spoil the story. Otherwise, keep it up!
1999910
I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.
I can see this hitting a thousand likes in a month easily. You sir have created an excellent story that can go nowhere but up. Good luck, looking forward to the next update!
This is good, the premise and the story are adorable and clean.
BUT you must go back over this again as it needs work, if you don't have a pre-reader to check it I suggest you find one as they can help you immensely.
I'll put a favorite on it to track, I'd like to see more and hopefully your writing will improve later on.
>>mines5
i agree.
I like it please continue working on it!
I like it. can't wait to read more because i want to find out if she becomes friends with the other Main 6 and dose she hide her wings and royalty like every other story
Sounds interesting. Will definitely read later once my Calculus homework is done. However, you may want to shorten the summary just a bit.
OH dear. I can'tunderstand why but I simply ADORE this story. Its so nice.
Very good story. I always Saw Twilight and Celestia as Mother Daughter so this story is one ill look forward to reading very often and probly multipul times
keep up the good work.
The premise and general direction seem promising, but I do have to agree with others and say that the more technical errors distract me from really getting absorbed in the narrative. Things like neglecting to spell out numbers in the very beginning of the first chapter, a tense error ("Twilight begs" instead of "Twilight begged",) and your/you're error in the second chapter, etc. are the sorts of things that will interfere with readers' enjoyment.
It might sound like nitpicking, but writing is always a battle to acquire the readers' suspension of disbelief; to hook them and get them emotionally invested in your story so that they keep reading, especially early on. Fanfiction already starts from an unfavorable position in that regard, so it's really worthwhile to put some extra effort to make the presentation live up to the story you want to tell.
Try not to let the suggestions that you get someone to do a detailed proofreading discourage you, though. Errors are, I've found, simply a fact of life. Knowing what you've written, you'll often naturally see what you intended to write rather than what's actually on the page. It's normal, and it's why the position of proofreader exists. You will learn, of course, the types of mistakes you make and to keep an eye out for them, but when they do happen, a positive attitude will go far.
...sorry, I kind of went off on my own there. You (obviously) haven't been negative at all, I'm just giving preemptive advice in the hope that I don't come off too harshly. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Should be You're. I don't think it's her subject
I plan to read this at a later date. but it does look like it may be a nice one; can't wait.
1995798 'cadence' is a name in this context and should be 'Cadence'.
Well, that's a good read for now, and a refreshing change from the other genetic-oriented alicorn!Twilight,
! Keep up the good work!!
Upvoted, Faved, and Tracked, as it should be.
Like it! Keep on the good Work!
An interesting idea...it shows promise. Though I must admit, I always pictures Celestia having a child via magical means, ie. sculpting her out of clay and breathing life into her...but that's just me.
Other than some mistakes regarding how newborn foals(children) work, and some overly-corny moments, its decent enough
Is this one of your first stories?
2002705
Meh, that would only work with a Alicorn Rainbow Dash or Applejack
Anyways, good fic. keep it up
I hope you keep on writting
but a romance so soon ? it wouldn't be good for your story
Crushes usually ruin a lot of stories for me. So it might be better off without. Though it would make a good conflict if Forge grows up to be an arrogant stallion who wants to blackmail or force princess Twilight to marry him or something. Anyways, it would be good if you try and do some character balancing since this fanfic is kinda glorifying Twilight too much and it's turning her into a boring character. Hope you'll balance things out once the other mane six enter the picture.
i think the crush should be one way (forge to twilight with twilight not noticing) so that she sticks to the way she was as a kid in the series. then maybe later (like, a season or two) he can come back and maybe by then the rest of your growing fan club will be able to accept her in a relationship with a colt. me personally, i always was partial to a twidash pairing, but you might not share that opinion. anyway, i like where this story is going, keep up the good work!
2002705 in other words the storyline, Sunset? I like that story, it's a good one!
just as this one has started out as. we will have to wait to see if it keeps up the interest levels
HOPE SO!
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL
I think I love this version better than the other one.
Filly is a female young pony, what you mean to say is that some foals found Spike's egg, and Soarin' was misspelled.
Aww. Such a darn cute first chapter, especially for what is, apparently, your first story. And, yeah, I CAN see where it would take an alicorn foal three years to go from conception to birth (it takes just under a year for unicorn, pegasus or Earth pony foals to go from conception to birth, so it IS logical that an alicorn [a combination of a unicorn, a pegasus AND an Earth pony] would take three times as long). That's of course, assuming I'm reading this correctly.
Anyway, great job on the first chapter.
a few things about twilight's birth:
they gave twilight diapers rather quickly, often they're wrapped up in cloth to keep them warm and comfy. celestia leaving her newborn daughter alone so quickly, not only is this strange behavior for a mother, but she should also be rather tired at this point. a continuation on the last point; celestia leaving the hospital so quickly, they should want to monitor the baby and the mother for a few hours, at least, to make sure they're both fine.
small grammatical errors abound. mostly tenses and misplaced commas here and there. you shouldn't be telling people word for word what they're doing (like a wild-life documentary), you're supposed to be telling a story. get an editor or two, if you don't already have one or more, if you do, get them to go through the chapter a bit more thoroughly (we have groups for finding editors).
otherwise, great first chapter!
By my own admission, my own spelling and grammar isn't that good, so I'm not going to get on your case about that stuff.
Just please keep in mind for future reference:
Filly = young FEMALE pony
Colt = young MALE pony
Foal: Young pony in general
Anyway, splendid job on the second chapter. I only have two suggestions:
1. As was aforementioned, don't rush too quickly with the romantic stuff. I don't mind romance as long as it is realistically paced AND there's a realistic reason behind it, but romance just for its own sake AND rushed just seems a little too corny. Early crushes that don't pan out are perfectly fine, since they, along with the knowledge that she will probably long outlive most perspective suitors anyway, might provide a decent Freudian Excuse why Twilight becomes an anti-social bookworm (i.e. having no real friends other than Spike, her big sister and maybe Shining).
and 2. Maybe include a few chapters depicting Twilight at points in her life after hatching Spike but years before Nightmare Moon's return (not only learning to control her magic AND how to fly, but also spending time with Spike and Candance and showing various reasons why she grows up the way she does).
But, of course, I fully respect the fact that it's YOUR story and you don't have to do the ideas if you don't want to. At any rate, I'll certainly be looking forward to more, but am quite willing to be patient.
2005511 I agree, seeing some of Twilight's life well before her visiting Ponyville would be good. There's no cannon to work with so you've essentially got a blank canvas to work with and can do pretty much whatever you want, within reason. I always love reading about pre-elements stuff.
2002705
2003121
Sunset
MEGUSTA
I like it, though I can't imagine Celestia calling ponies honey. That's just me though.
FINALLY an original idea for a Twilycorn story and it's a good one you have my nod of approval 4.bp.blogspot.com/-9QjARWd5a84/T3OXHJJbe1I/AAAAAAAAA34/OVtLNvwpMvI/s190/nod-of-approval.gif
2005363
I had ment to say three months ago, not three years ago. I realized that mistake a little too late. Sorry, thanks for the comment though.
I'm liking where this is going
just something try to repeat the names less, use something like the pink coated alicorn for cadence or the princess of the sun for Celestia
i think that would help with the flow of the story, keep going this is a nice story
Momlestia is good Celestia.^^
This is good
If you want to know what I think. I THINK IT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are three types of stories on this site.
First is a bad premise but good execution.
Second is a masterpiece, balancing premise and execution.
Third is a good premise but bad execution.
Yours is the last one, but with some polishing it has the ability
to end up as the second one. Please get an editor and polish
this a little bit.
For example there's a lot of missing words and it overall
seems a bit rushed.
Good luck!
Really good idea in other words NOT BAD
Whoever made the Twilicorn pic should get a free hug.
It is adorable and makes Twilight look almost like a young Celestia.
Love this fic and cant wait to see how things progress.
hard to write a decent comment on a phone but i wanted to let you know that i am greatly enjoying this fic. hope to have more from you soon!
FINALLY. Someone made a twilight is Celestia's daugter fic.
People have said it's overdone, but I don't believe them.(I haven't found the fics!)
I have found maybe one fic with the celestia is her mother thing.
however that fic hid the fact she was a princess... let's see how this goes.
It should be "somepony"
i am enjoying it greatly as well