Scootaloo has been on her own for quite some time, after her parents were taken from her. No one had suspected anything of it. But the orange pegasus will discover that she doesn't have to face life alone when she is in need of love.
Chapters (10)
- Member Since 21st Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Monday
Night--Mist
Son of Princess Luna. A Bat Pony Alicorn who's small for his age.
Night--Mist
Joined 21st Jan, 2013 ·
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aww. Da feels!
That was really good.....
*Ded From Adorableness*
Wait..... what is this feeling in my chest......
OH GOD MY HEART CAn'T TAKE IT!
This has the potential to be good, but I can't help feeling it's a little rushed
Cheerilee just somehow understands what's going on and without any hesitation proclaims she's adopting Scootaloo. I can buy her being concerned, but not rushing into an adoption. I would have loved to see her offering to foster Scootaloo first, then adopting her later. You also kind of really glossed over the adoption process -- Would it really be that easy, even in Equestria? I'm betting no. If you explored the emotions and the process that goes with adoption more thoroughly, it would have been more realistic and made for a more fleshed out, detailed story.
Also, you seem to have some problems with picking a tense and sticking to it. You switched from past to present frequently. A great example of that would be these two paragraphs:
In the first one, you have the action in the present ("cheers" rather than "cheered"; "tells" instead of "told"), but in the second, it switches back to the past ("was" rather than "is" and "passed" rather than "passes"). If you want the story to flow well and not confuse readers, you need to pick one tense and stick to it.
In any case, I hope that's helpful. Keep writing!
I agree with what 2067213 says. You really need to fix the pacing and the grammar.
Other than that it is a lovely story, and I will be following it patiently.
I am always partial to fics having Cheerilee adopting or being family to Scoots. 2067213 and 2067246 are both right, the pacing is fast.
the comments have it right, this can work....take your time
I have to agree with everybody above me. Especially on the fact that you keep switching tense. Also,
This sentence is just... confusing. It seems like you phrased the same sentence differently, and then sandwiched them together.
Great story line, just get a good editor and be on your way.
great story excelent writing, you just need to slow down and take your time writing, other than that great story
Nice story so far but seems a little ast pace but still great story.
Hm...I better change my story's title since this is becoming a good read
Right. All though this is being rushed some what. You still wrote it out properly with pretty much no mistakes. I can certainly say that this is ONE story I would like to see about Scoots over a certain dark tale that shall remain nameless
... Also in case anyone complains, people can be a term for any sentient race of PEOPLE, ponies included. Meaning that was not a mistake in the story... Just saying ANYWAY MOAR! 
Take your time with this. You have a great thing going here but you are rushing it. There was zero build up to Cheerilee adopting Scoots.
What made her come to this decision?
Why does she feel closer to Scoots than others?
You need to pace it a little and lead the reader into the idea that Scoots could be hiding something. Have Cheerilee trying to figure it out while still trying to teach. How she wants to help but doesn't know where to start? Would Scoots accept that? Is it over stepping a boundary?
You need to leave the reader asking these questions and wanting to know and read more.
Your perspective keeps changing as well. Find a groove that works for you and stick to it. Try doing this in 1st person (Cheerilee telling the story) and see how that feels.
You definitely have something original here but it needs work. Have you seen the film "Matilda" or read the book? It sounds like that but with a pony twist. If you haven't read it, then do so and see how it panned out and then how you could do yours. Don't copy it though.
Well that escalated quickly
It seemed a little rushed but all in all a sweet story.
It is beautiful. I am glad you wrote this. I love it so far.
My major criticism for this story so far is that you need to pick a verb tense and stick with it. You started out the chapter in past tense, then switched to the present tense and back again at least a couple of times. If you're going to write in present tense (which seems to be your primary choice) you need to stick with present tense.
Damn! What's next? Twilight and Trixie making out in the middle of Ponyville?
Considering the size of the apple family they are the last ones you would want on your tail.
Good story write faster ha.
2159576
Eh?
2159644
Add in the fact that a friend of the family happens to be the personal student of Celestia. And I'm sure said princess would be very unhappy to see her little ponies being abused.
So
a) Scoots is part of the Apple clan, one of the largest and most close knit families in Equestria. So either there was a provision in the parents will that specifically cut ties with them or somepony really screwed up. Perhaps deliberately? Which considering the apparent state of Fillydelphias child protection system seems down right commonplace.
b)It seems increadable in a family like the Apples for a grandmother to know of a grand child for four years and not know her name. Which opens up enough questions all by it self to fill another story. Excellent.
Keep it coming.
D'aaawwwww. The cover got to me. And, the comments are right, this is a really, really, good story. You just have to slow down the pacing a bit and work on re-phrasing and such.
Royal 'Thrown' Room?
That would hurt.
For a moment, I thought this was titled Scootaloo's Garden.
2182332
Lol, me too!
did AJ just agree to something that may involve lying.......bum bum bum
Good chapter. I can see the Lunar stallions at the front door now.
I found one Murphy generated error . Cheerilee (ceases) this opportunity. I think you meant [Seizes]
before he got ahold of your keyboard. Waiting eagerly for next chapter.
My only problem with this story the fact you use present, rather than past, tense.
Other than that I like it. Very sweet and full of d'aaaaaaaaaawwwwwww.
So we should expect in the next few chapters a mysterious raid by the Equestriani equivalent of the FBI raiding the orphanage, and the obviously corrupt and bribed orphanage inspector meeting with their boss' boss' boss... who happens to an white coated Alicorn. Great chapter, never again shall Scootaloo be alone, She has family now.
Better chapter and still cute. MOAR!
Now Apple Bloom has two favorite cousins.
*Looks at picture and description* Shit already have diabeetus...
hmmm interesting on the chapter itself, the wording was strange in this one though somewhere between repetition and Captain Kirk anyhow proceed and wow are they going to be in trouble after they realize they mistreated the princesses, for their sakes hopefully it is Celestia over Luna
heh, that orphanage about to be screwedddddddddddddd. MOAR!
Everyone picks what they want to eat and soon it came to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "What can I get for you fine young fillies?" the Pony asks. Everyone? What happened to everypony??
2159652
He's implying about the surprises in this chapter.
Disgusting... some orphanages are...
Nicely done
Damn. o.O MOAR!
sadly enough many orphanages are just like that.....
good as always man
Your getting better with keeping in the past tense, at least I don't notice if you have broken it in these later chapters. MOAR!
Where's Winona?
Hehe, imagine an arc set a few years later where Scootaloo's real parents come in and they are genuine caring ponies... and Cheerilee tries her best to keep Scootaloo as her daughter
TheMyth, don't give him any ideas O.o
First chapter was pretty good if feeling a bit rushed.
Drama is always welcome heh. 2228753
whaddya mean no flames
daquythiennhien.vn/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/hoa.jpg
While I like the premise of this story, and think it has promise, I had trouble getting past some of the grammar issues, particularly the tense issues. I'm happy to provide suggestions and edits, but only want to do so if it will be be appreciated.