Princess Celestia has called Twilight Sparkle and her friend Rainbow Dash to meet her in at the castle. Unsure of why they are the only ones called to there they make haste for Canterlot. What must she tell them that the rest of their friends don't get to hear? How might this change their outlook on their ways of life? And how will they react when they hear the knews? Only one way to find out.
Please read and comment. I do not own My little Pony characters, that credit belongs to Lauren Faust and her crew.
Rated Teen to be safe.
Chapters (3)
.....
that was.... well out of the blue for them. I guess I could read this....
2758602
I have had it in the back of my head for a while, I hope the story isn't out of your comfort zone.
2758614
*bits lip* it kinda is, but I could give this story a chance.
Not sure if want....... I'll have to read more before i make a judgement
Kind of want...
8/10
feels somewhat rushed
we have the same problem as you
have a pinkimena
The dialogue is really poor and flat, and there are spelling and grammatical errors all over the place. A proofreader and a really good, ruthless editor is needed before this story is really in shape for public consumption.
Honestly, was kinda expecting the Celestia being RD's mother twist, though I didn't see them Twilight and RD being sisters.
You're*
there are more minor errors like missing caps and the like but I thought to just correct this, you might want to find a editor if you can, I would love for this fic to continue because I have been wanting a Twilight Sparkle AND Rainbow Dash are Celestia's daughters fic for awhile now
Other than the errors it is pretty well written.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat
minus the errors that i'm sure you've been told about enough so i won't go into them, i'm liking this story! can't wait to see how this goes.
Rainbow and Twilight are sisters? Seems like an interesting idea.
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I am okay with this...
...I think...
2758894 I agree with Twisassin, you also might want to switch to using past tense, instead of present tense.
I'm Curious about this:
And how you will get this in the Story.
2759481
You'll just have to wait and see.
2759487
I know, I know.
And I have good Tip for you: WRITE FASTER!!!
2759504
Wow calm down. I have a job that earns my attention, and there I cannot use the computer to update, and trust me these people watch you like hawk. Plus the job wears me down from time to time, so patience young one.
2759524
Dont worry, I'm just Joking... maybe
Holy shit.
Please,
MOAR.
REALIZATION IN 3.........2..........1.........
PEWDIEPIE: WHAT THE FAQ!
HOLD ON A SECOND!!
*grabs glass of water drinks a bit of the water and then spits it out*
WUUUUUT!?!?
Yep, as said Fireflutterpony, the dialogues aren't very "alive", I advise you to diversify your verbs and use a different naming for Rd and Twilight like "pegasus, rainbow-maned, tomboy..." the repetition of "XX asked, said, added " is kind of heavy.
2760180 Eh, I'd advise against antonomasia unless you really know what you're doing with it. Evidently, there's some sort of "lavender unicorn syndrome" thing associated with that which people frown upon.
EDIT: Yeah, the dialogue seems really flat. One thing I noticed was an odd lack of contractions, which made it a bit stiffer and more formal; also, it seems to be pretty out of character. this line from Rainbow Dash, for instance: ""What are you getting at with this Princess? I don't mean to be rude, but I am getting more curious about why you’re bringing these memories up," particularly stood out for me. I can maybe imagine Rarity speaking like this, but I think RD is a bit less...formal, I guess, for lack of a better word.
MOAR EDIT: There is, however, promise here. I mean, if not for the age-regression bit that's promised - can't see how that could really be inserted here reasonably, so I'm assuming it'll be inserted completely irrationally by an insane Celestia
which could be fun to see.
Not a bad start but kind of meh.
Remember to check on the tense of the words you are using.
i hate cliffhangers...
more, i must have MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
pretty please with gummy on top
Continue.
I like where you're going with this, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. First of all, you do a lot more telling than showing. By that, I mean you tell us what they are doing, rather than describing the action. You tell us what they're thinking rather than letting them voice their own thoughts. And worst of all, you tell us what they are saying to each other, rather than let the dialogue speak to us.
This is a good example of this. Why not write out the conversation rather than telling us what was discussed? Also, just who is conversing is difficult to determine at first glance. Initially, it looks as if the rest of the mane6 are discussing, and it took me a second read-through to realize that it was Twilight and Dash. It would have been interesting to hear some of the ideas they came up with, if for no other reason, than for a few laughs.
Secondly, they grammar needs work. Commas are missing throughout the story, verbs change tense, words are misused (breath instead of breathe), and you use digits instead of spelling out the numbers. Perhaps the worst thing you did was this:
Never separate actions from dialogue this way, because it ends up looking like stage direction that was accidentally read by the speaker. When an action interrupts the flow of dialogue, end the dialogue with a comma and an end quotation mark, write out the action and end it with a comma, then resume the dialogue with an open quotation mark. Like So:
An asterisk should only be used to indicate a footnote at the bottom of the page, or if you're feeling especially self-censorish, in place of foul language. Also, an ellipses (...) consists of three dots only. More than that is unnecessary.
Thirdly, they seem really out of character, especially Dash and Celestia. Their dialogue just doesn't seem to fit either of them at all.
Fourthly, the pacing is far too fast. This can be solved by addressing the first point, actually. Show, don't tell, and you'll find that it helps ease the breakneck pacing. As it is, this story looks more like a chapter outline, or first draft, rather than a finished product. I would like to see this story continue, as the premise intrigues me, but I'm afraid I'll have to withhold my star and thumb. I won't downvote it just yet,, but I just can't give it my thumb of approval either, so it'll go on my read later list. Good luck fellow writer. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
I really like the idea of Twilight and Rainbow Dash being sisters, I really do. I congratulate you on this interpretation of the pairing. But the story structure unfortunately makes it hard to read. It feels very spur of the moment as if to capitalize on the idea first.
Well, this sounds interesting. I'm giving it a shot.
Can't wait until next chapter
pretty much everything I have to say has been said, so I'll keep it brief. I love the plot here, looks very interesting and you got me hooked. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, your writing, it needs work. The pace is WAY to fast, I don't think you took more then two sentences to describe anything. The characters, while in character, kinda sound like robots. Their dialogue lacks emotion or their personalities, though their reactions are still in character. The present tense is really, really annoying (for me, at least, that may just be my opinion) and you may want to switch to past tense (not my opinion, this'll really help with flow). Like I said, everything I want to say has been said, so this is just a brief little thing, but I hope it helps, at least a little. I'm here for the plot, and am excited to see what you do with this.
Interesting concept but it feels too rushed. However I still want to see where it goes
YAY TIA MOM! MOAR!
MOAR
No offense, but I kinda saw this coming...
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MORE
This. Get rid of this. Say she actually pulls them out or something. This, as is, is just a bad idea.
Me: I expected that.
Pinkie: What?!
Me: Eeyup.
Pinkie: Okiee Dokiee Lokiee!
Story is interesting, just needs an editor. Faved anyway!
Pacing could definitely use some work as well as what other people have said. Other than that... asdfghjkl this is precisely the concept i've had in my head for a long time! :D
waiting for an update, also a recomendation... dont rush it soo much, take it easy
I know what im going to say was said more than once but please the concept is too good to be wasted because you rushed it and maybe you could work on emotions it just feels so empty reading this first chapter but otherwise good
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Very interesting story, tracking.
This could sound a bit better like this: "Well, my daughters...., I-I am your mother," Celestia replied with sadness in her voice."
As the same that the others have said you, try to find a profreader.
I must admit that I read it, thinking that this going to be a TwiDash story (picture), but the concept is very interesting, and I hope you continue and finish your story.
Feels a little rushed but I'm interested.
Damn Cliffhangers.
Hmm, heard about some potential age regression in the comments from yesterday, but looking through everything I see no mention of that now... hopefully it stays gone.
I'll be watching. Like a hawk.
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I am so pissed off right now, I thought about doing something almost just like this on friday, and just started it today!! and you beat me to it. I don't know if I should be happy or not. I mean it looks like you have a good start and I want to see more. but now my weekend of planning is shot LOL