Nightroad
Joined 17th Apr, 2012 ·
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Welp, this is a ship I haven't seen before.
I would work on formatting: walls of text are very hard to read.
You need to split up your paragraphs more aggressively. In particular, each new speaker should start their own paragraph.
You have a good grasp on Fluttershy's voice, and Luna's was alright, but the other characters feel much less distinct.
Other than that, pretty well executed, even if the subject matter's nothing original. Keeping an eye on this.
I agree on the splitting of the text walls, but other than that; very solid start on here! Better than mine, at least.
Good luck! I shall watch this with interest!
Good story, but you REALLY need to improve the formatting.
I tried to read it.
Sorry.
Re-Format this so it is not a gigantic wall of text.
Hmm, FlutterLight eh? This should be a good read.
An interesting start. Of course now it is time to play parrot and repeat the break up the walls of text. One other thing that could help clean this up is just reading over your work at least once before you post. I noticed a few words that were off, along with some missing punctuation marks. The plot is good, even if the initial portion seemed a bit rushed, especially because every pony but twilight seemed to know about Fluttershy's feelings for her. You definitely seemed to slow down when you began the portion with Rainbow though. Overall, it's a good start.
1117452
...
You must be new here.
It's like saying you haven't seen Applejack X Soarin.
*Stands
agast agahstshocked*God, please, more.
yay twishy! this ship really doesn't get enough love
1120933
Well I haven't seen SoarinJack, but that's probably because I haven't been looking for it either.
Story's good, just what other's said, wall of text can get hard to read.
You've improved since the last chapter!
Your biggest problem is, as you are aware, your formatting. I do, however, have an easy fix to make it much more readable and closer to perfection!
When a new character is speaking, give them a new line/"paragraph" so to say
For example, this;
“You did no such thing! You just wanted to say that you had been with the Princess's personal student is all.” His grin changed into something that made Twilight want to gag just from looking at it. “So? Is there anything wrong with wanting to bed a mare as...distant as you? Ask any stallion and I'll bet they all say the same thing.”
Should become this;
“You did no such thing! You just wanted to say that you had been with the Princess's personal student is all.”
His grin changed into something that made Twilight want to gag just from looking at it. “So? Is there anything wrong with wanting to bed a mare as...distant as you? Ask any stallion and I'll bet they all say the same thing.”
At least... I think the first part is Twilight speaking and the second is this Bright Star, yes?
Anyway, keep practicing this rule and it'll improve dramatically!
this is great, keep it up! :D
Ummm, in the beginning i was confused to wether you were refering to Flutter-Shy as a unicorn, becuase she is a pegasi.
Yay finished!
Or well, at least a new chapter.
1166968 Don't scare people like that. Holy shit you gave me a heart attack and a need to check if this was complete.
1167265
If it makes either of you feel more at ease, this story won't end anytime soon X3
First of all, change paragraphs.
Second, I think I'm missing something here. You didn't actually mention that Fluttershy tried to kill herself until Octavia was talking to Twilight. It would have been nice to know that as it was happening. It would have made everything much more dramatic.
Other that that, it was a nice chapter.
1168803
So...Twilight did sleep with him, or didn't? Only part I didn't understand. Guessing that guy is going to appear in later chapters as well.
Sorry for not commenting last chapter. Had some things to do. But anyway: you are improving, don't worry! Still a bit iffy on your formatting, but I have started to notice changes. First, your paragraphs are much shorter making them easier to read. You have also begun to clear up the speech a little bit. It's not brilliant but it is more spaced out. Just keep at it, and remember -- new speaker, new line!
EDIT: If you want me to be an editor or proofreader for anything you want, just ask, m'kay?
nice adorable chapter
and about Celestia, she was well as you put it so nicely in the authors note "all suspicious and stuffs"
... 'kay.
I'll be honest, I was not finished with editing.
But whatever floats your boat!
okay, Celestia is jealous
... Thats gonna end badly 
...
Tag Fluttershy and Twilight as main characters please, as they are more important than the other members of the six.
1218608
Sorry, but I was running late in submitting it. I'll be sure to get the chapters to you earlier so you have more time. Sorry
1218827 Nah it's fine ;)
I really like the story, so please keep up your great work. (We really need more twishy out there)
*thanks to the editor and writer of this story*
I love how you brought that knife into the story, with Twi and Shy meeting Angel, that was an upset, to say the least.
I love you Twilight-Sparkle!
Another nice chapter! : ) I don't mind the steamy part, so imo you can stick to it.
Greetings
1236039
Can you give me the names of the other 2?
Thx.
And what a great cliff hanger
No author's note today (cuz I'm kinda late for a test so...bye!)
when you met blueblood
A WILD WALL OF TEXT APPEARED!
BRONY2893 USED "FLEE"
IT WAS HIGHLY EFFECTIVE!
why do i feel windigos might be make an appearance...
1293674
I can't help but ask but is that a good thing or a bad thing?
1293777
Got'cha! And thank you
Damn homophobes ruining the world with their bigotry.
Great story, I like Fluttershy's dad, and hate Star Bright or w/e his name is. Pinkie seems a bit OOC because she is so loving that seeing her hate anything is like, bad. (Pinkie Pie, not Pinkamena)
Edit: fix'd
You may need to change the rating.
1370667
That's what I thought too, but I wasn't entirely too sure
I liked it
You need to change the rating, while you don't say things like 'vagina', it's obvious what they're doing, it's an explicit act of sex. The only way to include sex but not change the rating would be to gloss over it, like images.firstcovers.com/covers/flash/a/and_then_they_fucked-75360.jpg
very well written, I can't wait to see what happens
Alright, lets beat that stallion up. Wheres my flamethrower ?!
I've only read 'till Lyra is being a target dummy for some Candy, but I've noticed two things that you desperately need to fix.
Your wall of text: Split ti up into several paragraphs, it's much too tiring to read when it's a massive wall.
Also the dialouge - every time, and I mean EVERY time someone speaks, make a new line, otherwise it's near impossible to figure out who is talking and who is not.
Okay... read a little further...
Rainbow Dash, and VINYL!?
Dafuq... first time I've seen that xD This should be interresting.
And one last thing; You ask in your Autho's note that if we don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
That's quite opposite of what you asked a single line above that.
Criticism isn't meant to be nice, it's meant to point out flaws.
Just thought i'd let you know :p
Slight improvements in the formatting, but it still needs some work.
I suggest that you take a break from writing new chapters and instead fix the formatting in the old ones.
1395049
I do plan to, it's just that I've been so distracted with all these nifty games coming out XD
As for the comment, I think in a later chapter I mention that constructive critism is perfectly okay so...yea :3
Woah. Took some time getting through all of this, only found it yesterday and had the time for it today. I haven't really read all that many fics, but I gotta say that this instantly went to the top. Can't wait for more, it's getting intense. Oh and on the more 'descriptive' part, I think it's just fine (and it does add some intimacy..) :3