- Member Since 14th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen April 21st
Azure Sandora
I write sins... NOT tragedies. Link to Patreon
Azure Sandora
Joined 14th Aug, 2012 ·
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0 reads and 7 likes. I think the counting system is borked again
5576162 or just over eager viewers? :D
Interesting story. I hope there's more chapters coming soon.
Ah, Discord, you've done it again.
Big thing that I get from the description alone, you have your OC from a specific timeline but don't have him speaking like it. Cognitive dissonance?
At the start of the chapter, the OC is speaking modern english instead of Middle English or Chancery Standard. Completely ruins the "I'm from the past" vibe you were trying to get.
5576501 Yeah, I'm not really good at capturing the feel of someone from the past. I'll hopefully get better overtime.
5576170 Hey, I'm not complaining. That means they'll take a look. Human in Equestria seems to be popular.
Interesting.
5576891 oh most definatly :3
Very, very well written. I can already see this will be a new favorite for me, so I've taken the liberty of officially favoriting it already. I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Surprisingly enough for a television show, Sleepy Hollow features some very nice Middle English.
It sounds like it is, the inbred child of Teutonic and early French as raised by its crazy Anglo-Saxon uncle.
nice start, ill definably be keeping an eye on this read. also i forgot how much of a prick the church was at that time, so now i feel like i need punching something :/
The human character holds alot of promise, i shall follow this tale!
I know it may be a lot to ask, but could I get an estimate on how long you plan to make this story, word-wise?
~TOOWC
5579813 I'm not even sure how long it will be. I hope to make t a full length story, but this is my first HiE story ever, so I'm not sure.
5579857 Hmm. Well, thank you.
5580506 Thank you for catching that. I'll correct it immediately.
A man from Plantagenet-era England is saying that our ponies are speaking perfect English? In the 15th century they were speaking Middle English. Here's some un-updated Chaucer:
Is that what they sound like?
Wait - Wales, London: 1542 AD.
What.
What.
Okay:
1542 is not the 15th century, it is the 16th. That puts the language in Early Modern English, at least.
Second, London is a city and Wales is not a location in it. Wales is a country subordinate to the United Kingdom (then called the Kingdom of England), it's located on the west coast of Britain, far from London. Here, let me show you:
google.com/maps/vt/data=U4aSnIyhBFNIJ3A8fCzUmaVIwyWq6RtIfB4QKiGq_w,aQTDkdfllwE7QpZ2XY1l_BfQOSQPIVpKE8GPzrbbouXPyJQqINdxtUOhXVCUFd1CtatOohbotsDM3O3lB9Lcgnzn-eVi2gdrDGSEXpU_vjNC_5cFIl7-Tq7F8qMnmVA3mgUunhxxLktOblTmvPCGEv6B4lgFYzZjW20nCrEg-a9y3aAVwaa3VA53VRkbRPzhgrkLaCAdHe4Nyr29dA
If you'll look closely, you'll see London waaay over to the right of the big part of the map marked Wales.
Writer's block as a thing was not cited in the OED until 1950, though examples of the use of the term "block" to denote a failure in writing creativity stretch back to 1890 at least... several centuries after your story.
See my bit about the 15th century above. The 15th century covers the 1400s and the 14th the 1300s. Though I should really find it remarkable that a man of Henry VIII's generation gives a farthing for the opinions of a woman.
Something that should surprise no one given that they are both Christians living in one of the most prudish kingdoms on the planet at the time. I should note that a member of the educated class breaking courtship often risks angering his parents because of the massive financial matters involved, but that's minor.
A woman who had the reputation of allowing herself to be touched in such a way at the time was lucky if her parents didn't throw her out onto the streets as a whore. A man had best learn to speak French because he sure won't find much in the way of business if people think he has a reputation as a philanderer.
Precisely what class is he in? How exactly is he employed as a writer? Is he a writer of chapbooks or belles leitres? Is he perhaps a playwright? That's a well-respected position for a successful man, even if acting wasn't.
You're sticking with his origins as a Welshman, are you? Can he talk tidy? Does he have any connections to the Tudor dynasty who by and large were founded by Welshmen? Does he hate the English with a burning passion?
Oh sure, nothing like hopping on a stagecoach and climbing aboard a ship (which, by the way, would not be a mere "ferry") from England to France while they're in the middle of a war.
Nothing like someone using a historical setting who doesn't even know how to Google or use Wikipedia to glean the least information about his chosen era.
5576501
Early Modern English would be the relevant one in this time period, I believe. His error in marking it as the 15th and not the 16th century.
Here's a sample from 1602, a mere 60 years later:
The Survey of Cornwall (1602)
HOWEVER, as a Welshman, our protagonist should sound more like this:
A Restitution of Decayed Intelligence (1605)
5585299
5585605 I'm going to make a note of this in the next chapter, but as I can't see myself writing all of that old English for this character as I don't even fully understand it, I'm intentionally writing him like this. It's an artistic choice, and lots of writers use it.
5585632
The Old (or rather Early Modern) English translation isn't what bothers me, it's the implication that the English they're speaking on the show is the same kind as the one they spoke in 16th century England. Hell, when you get to it, the ponies are far and away more advanced than his society is, given their industrial technology, electricity, and sky-rise apartments.
What really offends me, though, is the complete and utter disregard for even the most basic of historical facts. You don't get the century right, you don't get the location right, you don't get the culture right – you don't get anything right.
What you should have done is made this a modern story, set it in LA because you obviously know nothing about England, had Olivia be a Christian conservative, and what's-his-face flees to his brother's place in Compton or something.
This is leaving aside the fact that your story has no characterization to speak of, a piss-poor plot, pedestrian writing, and basically no redeeming features.
5585639 I did realize that I need to adjust the century, but if you feel that offended by it, you don't have to read it. Lots of other people like it, and are following it. I've had a number of people give me reviews like this and make me feel bad about a good story, and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel bad about this one. It's bad enough I've been dealing with a lot of depression, I'm not going to stand for someone nitpicking my story like this, simply because it makes me question if my story is even worth telling.
If I seem immature or thin skinned about it, I'm sorry, but I'm standing up for myself and my story.
5585657
Nitpicking, eh?
Okay, let's try an example of what I'm talking about:
Say I write a story where a Buddhist black man is becoming the President of the United States in 1656. His machinegun-toting bodyguards save him from a group of Islamic terrorists protesting the invasion of Italy, but they take the Dalai Lama hostage and demand the cessation of hostilities for his release.
Do you think you might have a few nits to pick with that story?
5585677 I'm not having this argument with you. I said my peace. You can either get over it, or leave the story. Your call.
*Raspberry*
img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/ponies-clop-nsfw-1850030.png
5585685 I'm gonna have to agree with Ether Echoes on this one. While I don't agree with him being a little bit mean, I do have to say, artistic choice or not, you MUST conform to the historical nuances and have a base knowledge of what you're writing. You cant write and old english speaker, and not have him speak old english. It just doesn't work like that. Take for instance, if you were to have a japanese person show up in Equestria. Would they speak English just cus you decided to have it be so due to artistic license? uh, no, that aint gonna fly, You have that japanese character talk in japanese for the entire story because he speaks japanese where he comes from, not english. Now, that doesn't mean you cant get that japanese character to speak english, language spells that change his tongue to english would be perfectly reasonable, because this is equestria, land of magic and sorcery.
I'm sorry if this is a little harsh, but you simply cannot abuse artistic license like this and hand wave the issue of an old english speaker not speaking old english. Sorry :(
5585657 Look man, I apologize for your depression as I too suffer from it, and so do most reasonably intelligent folks, as a side effect of being smart but I have to say one thing, and this might hurt your feelings: Grow up. I'm sorry if I come off as mean, but if you;re going to be a writer, you MUST deal with harsh critics and learn to cope with having your story ripped to shreds and nitpicked, its just part of being a writer. You cant ignore criticisms and nitpicks, just because they are mean, otherwise youll never grow as a writer. Does that give people permission to be dicks? Aboslutely not, but you cant just ignore relevant feedback because its condescending or harsh. Often times, its better to have people who will smash your story apart and make you feel like shit, as it gives you a drive to make your story better and improve your writing. However, the best case scenario are those people who give helpful feedback, while encouraging you. Sadly, this is a lot rarer than you might think, while most people either just say they like it, not giving you any feedback, or say they hate it and do the exact same, leaving you hurt and confused. Its a tough situation to be in, trust me.
Also, standing up for yourself and your story has nothing to do with any of this. You contemplating whether or not your story is worth being told is A GOOD THING, because I hate to break it to you, NOT all stories are worth being told, and even fewer taken note of. I've had several stories I gave up on and rewrote entirely because they were garbage and not worth anyone's time, and you know what, I'm a stronger person and a better writer for it.
Finally, just because a lot of people believe in something or say its good and right, doesnt make it true. You'd be surprised at how many people think the Earth is flat still. Are they right? Hell no. Are there a lot of them? Unfortunately.
I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but as a depressed person to a depressed person, I will say this: Happiness is highly overrated.
I wish you all the best in your writing endeavors, and in your life.
Uh... isn't usually "Oh my Celestia"?
5586158 Happiness is overrated huh? Must be a sad life you live.... well besides your depression. If may ask, have you ever hit the gym?
5586448 Yes i actually mantain a relatively healthy life style. What people don't seem to understand is that happiness isn't the greatest thing in the world. I'm far more pleased and fulfilled being sad and intelligent than I would be, were I ignorant and blissful. I'm not saying you are those things, but happiness is not the end all factor everyone should strive for. Indeed, it is just the way of certain individuals throughout history to ignore the basic human concepts that we should all strive for. 1,000 years ago it was to start a family, today, it is generally speaking, in the free world, the pursuit of life, love, liberty, and most importantly happiness. I have no desire to attain a mate, no desire to be loved, no interest in being happy, nor do I fear death should I die this second. Liberty I do enjoy, and that is the one exception to the facets I still heed.
I am an odd person, and to those who cannot understand a life beyond happiness, there is no understanding people like me. I'm not trying to say one is better than the other, simply different. I have a world view and philosophy that is so different from most people, there isn't a simple answer to be had when trying to understand me; only thing I can really say is that happiness is highly overrated.
Interpret it as you will, there is no explaining to be had, at least none that I currently have the time or desire to delve into, lest this post become a wall of text.
Good day sir, all the best to you :)
5586628 Oh. Well this may surprise you, but I agree with you. Pure, unadulterated happiness is not the endgame; it's a horrible end all be all. I can respect a man who is willing to think critically about their surroundings, engage in esoteric concepts and ideas, experiment with the world and take it in for all its' beauty, but I think you may be missing a crucial part to all this, this little game we play called life.
I personally believe that, in our very limited time here in this human concept of reality, we should accept life for all that is, take in life as you would a lover. I know you said you currently express no interest in finding a mate, but please hear me out. It's good and healthy to not live our lives as a pig in slop, devoid of all reasoning, analyzing, and thinking, but I don't think we should limit ourselves to this concept of only living in a cold, sad world of intelligence as you previously stated. That's comparing it to yokels who froth and clamor for the light, to expel all darkness from our lives and live in absolute sunlight. What these idiots don't understand is that if they got their wish, it would be the absolute saddest day of their entire lives. Why? Because now half the world is burning in a constant barrage of heat while the other half freezes over in darkness. But we don't live like that do we? We got the day and night cycle, the cycle in which one half needs the other half to survive. Same goes for the seasonal cycle, well, in fourths :P
So if this shit would destroy the world, why would you limit your emotions and concepts like this? Hell, we even came from the earth so we have some similarities. Again, it's asinine to chase after happiness like it's the light and that's all you need but it may not be healthy to subject yourself to the cold sting of sadness and doubt. Live the cycle, embrace your seasons, and just live. That's all we really can do.
Because when you get down to it, everything we do and everyone who will know it doesn't matter. All that we will see doesn't matter..... all those moments will be lost in time, like.... tears in rain. So just live and accept it for all that it is.
Or not. You do whatever the FUCK you wanna do!
5585677
As long as your saying its a story and not a recounting of history, I see no problem with that. Hell it sounds awesome actually. I'm guessing you absolutely HATE the move "A Knight's Tale". This is normally the part where I would make a witty and no offense ment remark about your story but damn it I just cant bring myself to say something bad about "Through the Well of Pirene" so....have a Derpy.
5585685
Dont let critics get you down. I refuse to believe that there is such a thing as a story that shouldn't be told. After reading the first 2 chapters, the only thing wrong that I can see is that he doesnt speak Ye Olde English and my thought is, "so what?". Yes I understand that for some people it takes away the immersion but things like that have never bothered me. My advice would be to take the problems they have with your story and fix them but only if it feels right for the story your trying to tell.
And never stop writing because:
5587455 You're right. Thank you. I ended up adjusting the first chapter to have him and Olivia be from the 18th century, which does feel better as I see Arthur sort of like a wimpy Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean, but my original idea did have him from earlier, so I'm not sure. I'll let the story tell me where he's supposed to be from.
Thank you so much. You really made me feel better.
Hmmm, this story is interesting. With rainbow saying he fainted like a pussy. I don't see her saying that.
Twilight wearing royal stuff? We know she doesn't wear anything like that, only special occasions with her crown.
And with the hinting of the flashlight. Not many people would like that. But I don't mind it.
Other than that, i like the story, keep on going.
I'm expecting a pun where he says "I'm not mad, my name IS Rave not after all!".
On a wholly unrelated note, Avon, for several years, sold an eyeliner labeled "Twilight Sparkle." (I have a couple of them on my desk.) It is a bit sparkly, but it's more of a Rarity blue.
5589342 Wow, that's funny.
Any changes to the Mane 6 such as dynamics and how they carry themselves will be explained throughout the story, so if you're confused as to why Twilight is wearing make-up now, that'll be explained.
If history taught us anything, it is that the English can conquer pretty much anything.
This guy has got this.
Enjoying the story so far, and if people are bitching about characters acting slightly out of character, they clearly haven't been on this site long.
I lIke It. They dIdnt even gIve you constructive criticism. They were just being jerks. Keep it up.
Hah, oh god, I cannot fathom.
I hear this one 1500 time now. in real life.
There for less than a single waking day and he's already turned to xenophilia. I think he would be stoned for such thoughts in the 18th century! :p
everypony just loves spike and rarity is a borderline rapist got it lol
5609721 Oh yeah he would...
In fact, I adjusted it so he's actually 17th century, so even worse...
5610542 I would like to adjust my statement to burned at the stake.
Also, I think they should introduce him to a shower. Or a bath. Or a dentist. Or a light switch and light bulb. :P
Sooooo, he's got it bad for both Rarity and Fluttershy? Well, he's got good taste.