First of all, change paragraphs. Second, I think I'm missing something here. You didn't actually mention that Fluttershy tried to kill herself until Octavia was talking to Twilight. It would have been nice to know that as it was happening. It would have made everything much more dramatic.
So far so good. You have potential as an author. Cultivate that potential.
Just one note: I feel that this particular story, as well as they way you are portraying the characters, would work better outside the realms of fanfiction, and as an entirely original peace. If you do decide to de-ponify this story, you would however need to give background information about the characters in the beginning of the story. In other words, you will have to extend the introduction a bit. If you end up doing this, I would recommend getting the work well edited and proofread, and then taking it to a publisher for it to be formally published. With the right touch-ups, from what I have seen of this work, it has the potential to be published.
Note however that I use the word potential. That means that serious editing by SEVERAL editors is needed, a whole lot of it being the de-ponification of the story, the developing of a good back-story for the characters and the universe it is set in, the fine-tuning of the flow of the story, grammar, sentence construction, and a whole lot more. If you decide to do this, know that it wont be easy, but the rewards can truly be worthwhile. The quality of your story telling is far higher than most lower-end publications, and with practice, you can definitely become up to par with mid-end publications. Remember that the final product you see in a book store went through many hands other than the author himself, much editing, reviewing, re-editing, fine-tuning, proofreading, and a whole buck load of other processes was necessary to get the book you see being sold in the book store. For high end publications, like J.R.R. Tolkien, CS Lewis and Terry Pratchette (yea yea I know, I'm listing a lot of fantasy authors... What can I say, I like fantasy.) know that this process is even more meticulous.
wow they have horrible names for dating fluttershy+twilight sparkle= flarkle?, maybe twishy? fluttight? if anyone can come up with a good name for this tell me
So Twilight basically likes Fluttershy 'cause she's desperate to find love, and someone made a comment about her and Fluttershy. Random dude from Twilight's past comes out of nowhere at exactly the wrong moment, then disappears, basically only existing for the purpose of that one moment. Fluttershy leaves for a WEEK 'cause Twilight looked apologetic. It was at that point, I realized I stopped caring if Fluttershy "got the girl."
It kind of makes me want to re-read every story I've ever complained about and give them a second look, just because most of them just have to annoy me less than this. Not down-voting since I didn't read it all the way through.
5397555 I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Pidgeons.
So far, Luna is an asshole, Octavia is an asshole and Fluttershy is a selfish, ungrateful brat. It's sad, but true. Why? Well, first off: Luna punishes Twilight. For what exactly? She meddles with Twilights love-life for what reason exactly? What gives her the right to do... anything? To expect anything? She tried to help a friend - Fluttershy - and that's it, this punishment was completely uncalled for. Octavia is the second asshole because of the exact same reason. Accusing Twilight for hurting Flutters? Why in tartarus should it be Twis fault that some jerk from her past randomly appeared out of nowhere? Accusing Twilight that someone showed up at a public place - a good spot for watching a meteor shower, while there's a meteor shower, too - is downright stupid. And then we got Fluttershy. She, too, accuses Twilight. Yeah yeah, she's down and depressed and stuff. Shit happens. I fight my depression for more than fifteen years now. Mare up and get a hold of yourself, girl! Twilight was every reason she was living for? Seriously? That must be one dump of a shallow life then, but after watching the show, I can't actually remember Fluttershys life being that boring and useless. I actually remember her having quite a lot of (animal) friends, quite a lot of responsibilities and, yeah, come to think of it, weren't there some other ponies she used to call friends? And all those ill animals depending on her kindness and knowledge? 'Ah well, f**k those, I only and exclusively live for Twilight'... seriously? Also: She searched the whole damn week without blinking for sleep, for pete's sake! And knowing one or two things about depressions first-hoof, let me tell you: Trying to build a relationship while one is clearly obsessive and mentally unstable can only result in pain. A whole lot of pain and regret.
I'm going to read on, for now. I'm curious if you'll ever offer an explanation as to where the buck that stallion came from in the first place - or why, or who he actually is - and how seriously you'll treat difficult themes like self-injurious behavior and depression. There's still a lot of chapters left and I just hope-... yeah. Just hope.
Although this story is great it's pretty fast passed which can be a good or a bad thing here i think it's sadly a bad thing. You need to slow down describe things more let it play smoothly not abruptly :/
Yay finished!
Or well, at least a new chapter.
1166968 Don't scare people like that. Holy shit you gave me a heart attack and a need to check if this was complete.
1167265
Sorry, I didn't check either. Mah bad
If it makes either of you feel more at ease, this story won't end anytime soon X3
First of all, change paragraphs.
Second, I think I'm missing something here. You didn't actually mention that Fluttershy tried to kill herself until Octavia was talking to Twilight. It would have been nice to know that as it was happening. It would have made everything much more dramatic.
Other that that, it was a nice chapter.
1168803
So far so good. You have potential as an author. Cultivate that potential.
Just one note: I feel that this particular story, as well as they way you are portraying the characters, would work better outside the realms of fanfiction, and as an entirely original peace. If you do decide to de-ponify this story, you would however need to give background information about the characters in the beginning of the story. In other words, you will have to extend the introduction a bit. If you end up doing this, I would recommend getting the work well edited and proofread, and then taking it to a publisher for it to be formally published. With the right touch-ups, from what I have seen of this work, it has the potential to be published.
Note however that I use the word potential. That means that serious editing by SEVERAL editors is needed, a whole lot of it being the de-ponification of the story, the developing of a good back-story for the characters and the universe it is set in, the fine-tuning of the flow of the story, grammar, sentence construction, and a whole lot more. If you decide to do this, know that it wont be easy, but the rewards can truly be worthwhile. The quality of your story telling is far higher than most lower-end publications, and with practice, you can definitely become up to par with mid-end publications. Remember that the final product you see in a book store went through many hands other than the author himself, much editing, reviewing, re-editing, fine-tuning, proofreading, and a whole buck load of other processes was necessary to get the book you see being sold in the book store. For high end publications, like J.R.R. Tolkien, CS Lewis and Terry Pratchette (yea yea I know, I'm listing a lot of fantasy authors... What can I say, I like fantasy.) know that this process is even more meticulous.
wow they have horrible names for dating fluttershy+twilight sparkle= flarkle?, maybe twishy? fluttight? if anyone can come up with a good name for this tell me
Not a bad chapter
another surprising couple Applejack and spitfire? i can see something like that happening yes. Very good chapter BTW. hit my hart a couple of times.
So Twilight basically likes Fluttershy 'cause she's desperate to find love, and someone made a comment about her and Fluttershy. Random dude from Twilight's past comes out of nowhere at exactly the wrong moment, then disappears, basically only existing for the purpose of that one moment.
Fluttershy leaves for a WEEK 'cause Twilight looked apologetic. It was at that point, I realized I stopped caring if Fluttershy "got the girl."
It kind of makes me want to re-read every story I've ever complained about and give them a second look, just because most of them just have to annoy me less than this. Not down-voting since I didn't read it all the way through.
5397555
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Pidgeons.
So far, Luna is an asshole, Octavia is an asshole and Fluttershy is a selfish, ungrateful brat. It's sad, but true. Why?
Well, first off: Luna punishes Twilight. For what exactly? She meddles with Twilights love-life for what reason exactly? What gives her the right to do... anything? To expect anything? She tried to help a friend - Fluttershy - and that's it, this punishment was completely uncalled for.
Octavia is the second asshole because of the exact same reason. Accusing Twilight for hurting Flutters? Why in tartarus should it be Twis fault that some jerk from her past randomly appeared out of nowhere? Accusing Twilight that someone showed up at a public place - a good spot for watching a meteor shower, while there's a meteor shower, too - is downright stupid.
And then we got Fluttershy. She, too, accuses Twilight. Yeah yeah, she's down and depressed and stuff. Shit happens. I fight my depression for more than fifteen years now. Mare up and get a hold of yourself, girl! Twilight was every reason she was living for? Seriously? That must be one dump of a shallow life then, but after watching the show, I can't actually remember Fluttershys life being that boring and useless. I actually remember her having quite a lot of (animal) friends, quite a lot of responsibilities and, yeah, come to think of it, weren't there some other ponies she used to call friends? And all those ill animals depending on her kindness and knowledge? 'Ah well, f**k those, I only and exclusively live for Twilight'... seriously? Also: She searched the whole damn week without blinking for sleep, for pete's sake!
And knowing one or two things about depressions first-hoof, let me tell you: Trying to build a relationship while one is clearly obsessive and mentally unstable can only result in pain. A whole lot of pain and regret.
I'm going to read on, for now. I'm curious if you'll ever offer an explanation as to where the buck that stallion came from in the first place - or why, or who he actually is - and how seriously you'll treat difficult themes like self-injurious behavior and depression. There's still a lot of chapters left and I just hope-... yeah. Just hope.
Although this story is great it's pretty fast passed which can be a good or a bad thing here i think it's sadly a bad thing. You need to slow down describe things more let it play smoothly not abruptly :/