Your biggest problem is, as you are aware, your formatting. I do, however, have an easy fix to make it much more readable and closer to perfection!
When a new character is speaking, give them a new line/"paragraph" so to say
For example, this;
“You did no such thing! You just wanted to say that you had been with the Princess's personal student is all.” His grin changed into something that made Twilight want to gag just from looking at it. “So? Is there anything wrong with wanting to bed a mare as...distant as you? Ask any stallion and I'll bet they all say the same thing.”
Should become this;
“You did no such thing! You just wanted to say that you had been with the Princess's personal student is all.”
His grin changed into something that made Twilight want to gag just from looking at it. “So? Is there anything wrong with wanting to bed a mare as...distant as you? Ask any stallion and I'll bet they all say the same thing.”
At least... I think the first part is Twilight speaking and the second is this Bright Star, yes?
Anyway, keep practicing this rule and it'll improve dramatically!
It was a faint citrus sort of smell, coupled with an even fainter smell of literature. coupled with an even fainter smell of literature. smell of literature. literature. What does literature smell like?
Just started reading chapter 2. I must say the beginning of chapter 2 must have one of my favourite Twishy moments I've read so far on this site. Where Twilight keeps remembering the comment about her and Fluttershy. It just seems so...Twilight hehe. Also, great story. I'm enjoying it so far. I know it's already done, but still. I felt compelled to share my joy of reading this.
Now that is a good start. So good, in fact, that after I'd read the first two chapters and then stopped for some reason, I cam back to it several months later and remembered. After months, I remembered your story, good job!
4558617 Shotgun? Puh-leaze! I'm a turn him into a werepony and wrap him in silver chains! Not giving him the release of death until those 'six odd years' are up!
Ohhhkay... so he's some sort of old flame of hers, right? Where the hell did he came from? Does he live in Ponyville? Does he live in Ponyville now, since he kinda implied he knew her back in Canterlot...? If he's from Canterlot, again: How did he got there? Why did he got there? He knew about the upcoming meteor shower, yes? Uh, okay - again: How? You sort of made it look like Luna put this whole show on stage for Flutters. Did she run around Canterlot bragging about what she's gonna do? That guys appearance seemed a tad forced.
You've improved since the last chapter!
Your biggest problem is, as you are aware, your formatting. I do, however, have an easy fix to make it much more readable and closer to perfection!
When a new character is speaking, give them a new line/"paragraph" so to say
For example, this;
“You did no such thing! You just wanted to say that you had been with the Princess's personal student is all.” His grin changed into something that made Twilight want to gag just from looking at it. “So? Is there anything wrong with wanting to bed a mare as...distant as you? Ask any stallion and I'll bet they all say the same thing.”
Should become this;
“You did no such thing! You just wanted to say that you had been with the Princess's personal student is all.”
His grin changed into something that made Twilight want to gag just from looking at it. “So? Is there anything wrong with wanting to bed a mare as...distant as you? Ask any stallion and I'll bet they all say the same thing.”
At least... I think the first part is Twilight speaking and the second is this Bright Star, yes?
Anyway, keep practicing this rule and it'll improve dramatically!
this is great, keep it up! :D
Ummm, in the beginning i was confused to wether you were refering to Flutter-Shy as a unicorn, becuase she is a pegasi.
So...Twilight did sleep with him, or didn't? Only part I didn't understand. Guessing that guy is going to appear in later chapters as well.
Slight improvements in the formatting, but it still needs some work.
I suggest that you take a break from writing new chapters and instead fix the formatting in the old ones.
It was a faint citrus sort of smell, coupled with an even fainter smell of literature.
coupled with an even fainter smell of literature.
smell of literature.
literature.
What does literature smell like?
This was another good chapter, I see you also make Fluttershy suffer
Ugh... asshole Stallions.... Can I go 'Indignation' on his sorry flank?
Just started reading chapter 2. I must say the beginning of chapter 2 must have one of my favourite Twishy moments I've read so far on this site. Where Twilight keeps remembering the comment about her and Fluttershy. It just seems so...Twilight hehe. Also, great story. I'm enjoying it so far. I know it's already done, but still. I felt compelled to share my joy of reading this.
Am I the only one that wants to punch that stallion in the face right now?
Anyhoof, good story so far, onto the next chapter!
2676256
Nope i want to punch him across the face and him to 1992
i smell drama. I like this so far
Now that is a good start. So good, in fact, that after I'd read the first two chapters and then stopped for some reason, I cam back to it several months later and remembered. After months, I remembered your story, good job!
I'm going to kill this guy! (pulling out a shotgun)
4558617 Shotgun? Puh-leaze! I'm a turn him into a werepony and wrap him in silver chains! Not giving him the release of death until those 'six odd years' are up!
Ohhhkay... so he's some sort of old flame of hers, right? Where the hell did he came from? Does he live in Ponyville? Does he live in Ponyville now, since he kinda implied he knew her back in Canterlot...? If he's from Canterlot, again: How did he got there? Why did he got there?
He knew about the upcoming meteor shower, yes? Uh, okay - again: How? You sort of made it look like Luna put this whole show on stage for Flutters. Did she run around Canterlot bragging about what she's gonna do?
That guys appearance seemed a tad forced.
... reading on.