Anypony who knows Brass Kalibur knows that he's excelled at his job for his entire life as an assassin. What they don't know, and what he will soon find out, is that while he may be Equestria's greatest assassin he's also probably Equestria's biggest introvert. He can speak eight languages fluently, he has an understanding of psychology up to the point of a doctor, he can kill an armed opponent with his bare hooves, but he has difficulty making friends, which, unfortunately for him, is exactly what he needs to do for his next mission.
-
This is my third fanfic, after the other two didn't turn out so hot, I just kind of thought "Meh, third times the charm" as I made this one. I got the idea for this one when I was watching "Ledge man and assassin" by TomSka on youtube. I was thinking "You know, they should make a movie about a master assassin who just so happens to be really awful in a social environment" And from that moment on, I've been thinking of how I could make this a pony fanfic. I personally think it turned out decent and I have a few more chapters coming, let me know what you think about this :P
It looked like this story wasn't doing so well. So I thumbs-uped it, and didn't even read it. I pit it in read later though.
You need serious work here bud.
This sounds awfully Gary/Mary Stu-ish.....and awful
So much hate in the comments
, guys come-on if you can't love, tolerate 
. Here is a thumb for all it's worth 
.
It's okay but not fantastic. It needs a bit of work like not so many skills he's really good at, it makes him seem like a Gary-Sue. This is honestly a pretty okay story, people just hatin'.
So take a thumbs up and one 
I'm not sure why this is getting so many thumbs down, so I'll break it down and see if I can catch anything.
Concept: Master assassin, very introverted, sent to infiltrate Ponyville- Good
Grammar- Almost perfect, only a few slips, like at the ends of quotes- Good
Characterization- Well, most of these characters rarely get screen time, so not much is known about them, but I think it fit- Good
Misc- Your story telling is good, I was immersed, good imagery
Conclusion: I have no idea why. Did you make someone with an army mad?
ANYWAY: Nice story, I'll be watching and reading. One
for you, keep up the good work!
Also, on the Mary Sue thing: I'm not sure Kal would count as one. He's specialized in one area, but if you take him out of that, he shuts down (such as the restaurant scene). A Mary Sue is way overpowered, good at everything. Sure, not sleeping for weeks is excessive, but maybe he rests in a way that accomplishes the same effect? And he only has that skill set. If you asked him to write a book, or direct a movie, or make a song or have a conversation, he'd be lost. So, I don't think he is one, but maybe I missed something.
Just from the story description I gotta say he sounds like the most spectacular Mary Sue I've EVER seen.
don't tell me... said assasin is bassed in you... yeah, sure...
Dial down the sexual content and language just a little, and it will be smooth sailing. In addition, don't use firearms. Equestrian society hasn't developed the gun yet.
Once again, it's amazing how a description can turn off so many people and deliver so much hate.
To be honest, I read the entire thing. My opinion? It's fine. The 'Gary Stu' element is not nearly as strong as the description portrays. The writing is actually quite solid, and he can even spell!
People have become too accustomed to seeing something like this in the description and INSTANTLY assume it's utter shit. This one isn't. Now of course, it isn't great. There's several points where the paragraphs are far too long, and maybe a few other nit-picking things. But truly; not as bad as one would think.
My advice to the author is to space out some of the ridiculously long paragraphs that are in there, and make a better description. I'm going to both like and track this, because I found it rather humorous. Though, firearms in Equestria are a bit iffy unless you're going for the 'Assassin's Creed Hidden Pistol' notion. Besides that, no qualms.
And as for the others who get turned off because of said description, I recommend reading the contents of a book before criticizing it due to its cover. And by cover, I mean description and current negative-vote count.
776556
776755
eggs-actly
776556 Ah, he WOULD be perfect at everything, and he has been good at everything up until this point in his life. See, he's the kind of character who, in a way is spoiled, because he's never tasted failure. Why has he never failed a mission? Because he's ALWAYS been put to the tests going by his strengths. The reason he does so awful in a social environment is because he has virtually no experience with it. He's a specialist, he's good in specific areas but is almost blind in others
For example, in school I'm good with science, but I do AWFUL in math. Why? My mom's a science teacher, so I've been exposed to this sort of thing for a majority of my life. Does that make sense? Sorry, I'm ok at putting my thoughts to words, but I can't explain things very well 
If that guy is so good at assassinations, then why hasn't he gotten his cutie mark yet? And I'm pretty sure there's only one language in Equestria. English. Also, totally cliche color scheme. The story itself is not completely trash, but you have to change he description or people are gonna keep on hating. Switch out that poorly photoshopped art too.
Edit: I found his cutie mark. WTF. A SKULL? What kind of a cutie mark is that? God. Replace it with a dagger or something! Skulls? Those got cliched before they were even invented!
Main character is a Mary Sue variant. He seems too good and the description of being better than a doctor is much overboard. Tone it down.
Just saying what your character would do is not good enough. You must prove in your story he is as good as you say he is. If he could kill a bear with his own hooves, than show a proper example in the story. Better than a doctor? The show he is as good.
If he is as awesome as you say, than write out his awesomeness in the story and not just the in the summary field.
An example of something silly and stupid but awesome is this http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5590/Human
The rest of the story is fine, but it is the character description that puts people off. To be honest, this sort of story caters to a more centralised readership. Not everyone will like it, but those that enjoy this sort of setting will.
Keep it up.
777243
777248
I literally just changed the description before I saw your two comments, but it was difficult to work my way out of the hole I've dug myself into
Also, about the cutie mark and the image...I'm not very good with photoshop and such, I didn't think it was important, to be honest. I didn't wanna take something from google, but at the same time I wanted people to be able to imagine him as who they wanted. Also, it's funny, because I was originally gonna draw a daggar in, but it was obstructed too much from the wing, and I felt a skull would be much clearer
777290You don't necessarily need to take from Google, just go into groups and find a group for artwork. Many of the artists there will draw you something free of charge, or maybe just a comment or like on their story in exchange. For example, Stalin the Stallion did some work for my first story, and it turned out pretty nice. You could ask him. All he asks in return is feedback and a rating on his story. It's a pretty good deal, if you think about it.
777771 People will draw you something like that?
Well, 1.I don't know how to contact them, 2.This is a small time story, I'm pretty much writing this for kicks 
777066 Right, and just because you can specialist in one area does not make you a Mary Sue. It just means you put all your time into one area, and can't do anything else (which is advised against in most games with stats). So, I'd argue that he is NOT a Mary Sue, which is what people seem to be assuming from the description.
Also, in the description: "also probably Equestria's worst extrovert"
This is kind of confusing, maybe change it to "biggest introvert?"
778995 Ok
I just thought extrovert would be better because he's being forced to go out, but I guess that makes sense too 
Content wise, you're writing a comedy about an assassin. When you write about something as serious as a pony running around and killing people for his job, I feel that the atmosphere needs to represent that in some way or form. If he's a stone-cold killer by himself, all dark and serious, and then proceeds to get into wacky shenanigans with Pinkie that are uncharacteristic for him and make him feel awkward, there could be comedic potential in that. Maybe the story could be a dark comedy, with everybody treating the topics of murder and drugs lightly, and relating the humor to that in some fashion. Your characterizations of Luna and Shining Armor paint them this way.
Right now, the story has an awkward state of Brass, Shining Armor, and Luna sounding devious and nonchalant about the darker topics, which would be great for a dark comedy. However, it's really only their dialogue that supports this, and your introspection of Brass make him seem kind of immature about it. He's not dark, he's whiny. It sounds like a HiE with a normally tough character suddenly finding himself with ponies, completely over reacting to the whole ordeal. If you want him to be a badass, make him one. Don't have him faint in public.
I see that you are trying to go for the effect that he is normally hardcore, but just unprepared for meeting the Mane Six. The thing is, what we learned about Brass before meeting Twilight barely suggests he is tough. The part with all the photos and names of the ponies he killed is creepy, and would be good, except that casualness of Shining and Brass doesn't fit it at all. If they casually talked about the ponies he has killed, that would be good, but right now it was just him whining about his personal life.
This kind of story is done often enough, and even the profession of assassin has been so overused in an effort to make characters seem tough, that many folks would be inclined to dislike it at first glance. To most people, this sounds like a self-insert OC becoming BFF's with the Mane Six. If that's what you're going for, you're doing great. But some people really don't like that. The story needs to offer them something else.
BTW, just for the sake of grammar, read Ezn's guide on punctuation with dialogue. It'll show you the proper way to do punctuation with quotation marks, commas, etc. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1
779420 Ha, funny you should use the word nonchalant, I was gonna use that word to describe Kal's view on death
But the thing is, he's supposed to be whiny, he doesn't know how to interact with anypony outside of Shining and Luna. He's cocky and immature, and up until this point, being cocky and immature really hadn't hindered his him in any way. He's not supposed to be tough, he's supposed to be the generic emo little protagonist that so many teenagers just LOVE to portray themselves as who finds himself in a situation he had hoped he'd never had to deal with. Really, I'm just throwing the concept at the wall to see what sticks, my feeling is that SOMETHING in this has to be somewhat comedic, it's not really meant to be taken seriously. Also, thanks for the link, I really don't like punctuation with quotations, because personally I think I'm better with essays as opposed to dialogue 
779498
Oh, cool. Guess I didn't really pick up he was supposed to be whiny, and took him too seriously.
Just for the sake of me still nitpicking, you may want to change your scene transitions from (Ponyville) to something more integrated in the story, like "I decided to ditch the party and head into the town." The transitions are a little jarring. Maybe just a little less ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE, too.
Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing. If you clean up the grammar errors in there, this can be a really good story. Best of luck!
780457 Thanks, I'm revising the next chapter tomorrow
NNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
780576 *Salutes* Aye aye specialist sprinkles!
I'll make another chapter in 2 days, maybe 1 :D Squee
I'm a specialist? I'm a specialist! YAY In what?
780836 Er, you specialize in SPRINKLES
778883Just go to the groups tab of your communicator and hail a local artwork starfleet. Then beam up and request access to their most talented artists. Then plant some pipe bombs in the reactor core and get your ass out of town.
Pinkie was done brilliantly, well done (nice Mary Sue reference). XD
You've got lots of trouble with all the local ponies brewing. This is all going to explode quite brilliantly, isn't it?
782724 SEEMS LEGIT
782778 Er, I don't entirely understand what you mean, by that, but sure! Also, I've always liked fourth wall jokes, and from all the people saying he's a Mary Sue I was like "Pfft, sure, might as well get a kick out of that
"
I'm not sure why anyone has any reason to dislike this fanfic, and to be honest, I'm too tired to try and figure it out =P Good story! Keep it up! Though, might want ta turn down Pinkie's fourth wall breaking XD
783320But seriously, if you ever need help finding an artist that will draw for you, just PM me. I would offer to edit, but Google Docs is censored where I am right now and I won't be able to help anybody until I get back to the US. If you still want my help about 1 or 2 months from now, then feel free to ask.
783320 Basically, Pinkie made made me laugh, and one of my favorite Pinkie bits was "Apparently he's a Mary Sue!" However, the script bit was also pretty funny.
784407 Well I would but really I'm just doing the rest of the story for the people who like it
There's like 9 people who have it favorited so I'm just writing it for them at this point. I'd love artwork but at the same time I don't wanna have someone make something for a story that doesn't get much recognition in the first place, they might be mad that it wasted their time 
784812 She'll be breaking the fourth wall more in the future
785590Ah don't worry! You're being too harsh on yourself. They won't get mad at you. Or maybe they will. It just depends on who you ask to do the art for you.
789085 Really, it's fine XD I don't really like approaching people I don't know anyways
Makes me feel uncomfortable
Please tell me we'll be seeing an unbelievably gory fight scene with the chief to show off Kal's fighting skills. Please.
796381
NO THERE WON'T BE
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR3zqPCsHNu-HzCjfQDtDg2TyQlRyJwb6yqqXkqIATDtHMatZx-0w
796979 LOL XD Awesome!
Also, keep up the good work! I look forward to any updates =)
What, another two weeks?!
th04.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/167/c/6/nooooo___by_cba24-d53eo1i.png
i dont see whats so bad about this fic
its a good read 
i dont get it why is everyone hatin?
Why?
... WHY CRUEL WORLD WHY?! 
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/854/vader_NOOOO.jpg
895276
887914
Aaaw you tho thweet gurl
919663 im not a gurl
WTF man! 
920225
Oh, well then, in that case
Aaaw you tho thweet not a gurl
WTF man! 
920253 Better...
920331
Gracias
:D