(Ponyville)
The two were off; Kal happily carried some binoculars and a six-pack of beer that Shining brought from the fridge back at the library. Shining levitated one of Kal’s maps in front of them as they walked along.
“We’ll set a stakeout over here,”-Kal pointed to a building roughly 30 feet away from the alley where he saw the suspicious activity-“and we’ll wait until the cart goes somewhere, then we’ll follow it, hooah?”
Shining marked both places on the map, “Hooah, we’ll have to check out that house later, it could be a safe-house”
The two found the building they were going to use as a stakeout position and climbed on top of it. They got low, and were relatively hard to spot because it was starting to get darker outside. Kal opened a beer and took a long drink as Shining looked through the binoculars.
“Hm, the cart’s full, but they’re standing around talking. It could be a while before we have to do anything” Shining said, still looking through the binoculars.
Kal was nearly finished with his first can of beer already, “That’s fine, more time for me and my precious alcohol”
Shining frowned, “It’s probably not a good idea to get drunk while we’re doing this, you know”
Kal opened a second beer and rolled his eyes, “Buddy, if I had one bit for every time I’ve drank alcohol on a mission, I’d probably be paying SOMEPONY ELSE to be doing this for me”
Shining sighed, knowing full well that Kal knew what he was doing, but worrying nonetheless, “I guess I can’t argue with that, but I’m staying away from it”
Kal grinned widely, “Great, more for me, pansy”
The two waited for about an hour before a rugged looking brown pony in a police uniform was handed a large bag of bits by the driver. The pony looked around to make sure nopony else was watching and then walked casually out of the dark alley.
“Hey, Kal, do you know who that pony is?” Shining handed Kal the binoculars.
Kal identified the brown pony, “The one with that huge bag of bits? That’s the chief of police. Why, is he being paid off?”
“He might not be, but it doesn’t look good at this point. I guess we’ll just have to see where the cart takes us” Shining said, trying to remain optimistic despite what the situation looked like.
“We’re about to find out, the cart’s on the move, Shiny, and we should be too” Kal said to his friend, who was already carefully climbing down to the ground.
The two stuck to the shadows of the night like phantoms, checking occasionally to see where the cart’s position was in proportion to them. After a few minutes, the cart left Ponyville and headed down a dirt road into the Everfree forest. The two snuck around the rough foliage and got closer to their target. A long ways ahead, they could see a cave with a few ponies gathered around the entrance.
(Everfree forest)
“Go back and get some guards, I’ll see if I can infiltrate the compound” Kal whispered as he left before Shining could protest.
Kal snuck up on the driver from the bushes and jumped up on his back. He pressure pointed the massive pony in the neck, knocking him unconscious immediately.
“Looks like you just got amBUSHed!” Kal taunted as a wicked grin appeared on his face and he snuck his tongue out immaturely.
Two guards heard the noise, and one exclaimed, “Hey, who’s that over there!?”
They charged at him, as he yelled, “Was it the pun? I’m sorry, it just seemed so appropriate!”
He dodged both of their attacks, then rushed up behind them and slammed their heads against each other, knocking them unconscious as well. I guess two heads AREN’T better than one here! He did NOT want to tempt fate again by saying his pun out loud, so he just silently chuckled.
He quickly scribbled a small note for Shining and his guards saying, “Interrogate these dudes”
He checked the bags in the cart and confirmed that they were in fact drugs. He searched one of the guards and found an ID card. The pony resembled him in mane color and coat color, but had different facial features. Kal sighed as he made a weird face in an attempt to resemble the guard. They didn’t look exactly alike, but they were close enough. He made his way through the thick forest and sighed as he realized how utterly stupid he looked. I look like I’m angry and constipated at the same time.
(The compound)
He got up to the cave entrance when an armed guard walked up to him and asked to see some ID. He flashed it so that the guy wouldn’t notice any physical characteristics out of place, but the guard was smarter than he looked.
The guard looked at Kal suspiciously, “’Scuse me buddy, but this doesn’t look exactly like you”
Kal tried to look angry with his strange new face and puffed out his chest, “Shut yer face, ‘fore I pound it in. You got some nerve callin’ me ugly. You callin’ me ugly?”
The guard took the bait as planned, “N-no, I was just-”
Kal seethed more pretend anger, “I was called a donkey today and I feel a li’l self-conscious ‘bout the way I look right now. D’ya honestly think it’d be a good idea to get me mad right now?”
The guard stammered, unprepared for this unforeseen aggression, “Uh, n-no sir, sorry, you can just go on through, I didn’t mean to insult you, sir”
Kal forced back a grin and chuckled silently to himself when the guard was out of earshot, “Sweet Celestia, how stupid do you have to be? Seems like the quality of guards these days has gone down”
As he moved on through the cave, he noticed several rooms, one of which having the title of “Torture room” on it. He peeked inside and saw no guards around, so he decided to check it out. There was blood splattered across the walls, mutilated corpses were hung from the ceiling, and several rusty tools were on a tray near an iron table with straps on it.
(Torture room)
He looked around and noticed a bruised and battered pony in a small cage, whimpering. He was a relatively slender colt, who looked even smaller due to his cowering and shivering. The shivering pony didn’t appear to notice that he was there for a second or two, before he faced him and went wide-eyed with fear.
“NO, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE” the prisoner shrieked, clearly terrified.
“What’s your name and how did you get here, prisoner?” Kal said, forced to act in a gruff manner due to the fact that the prisoner might give him away if he told him he was a spy.
“Wh-What? Bu-” the prisoner stuttered, before he was interrupted by Kal.
“I’m askin’ the questions here, buck-face. What’s yer name and where did we catch you,” he said menacingly as he held up one of the tools from the tray.
The prisoner’s eyes went even wider, “Muh-muh-my name is Snitch, suh-sir. Mousey suh-Snitch, sir. And yuh-you got me on, uh, th-Thursday, the 7th, sir”
Kal glared at him, “An’ what’d you do to get in here?”
Snitch was clearly confused, but scared nonetheless, “I snitched on th-the family, sir, I promise, I’ll never do it again! I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!”
“Keep quiet you!” Kal said raising his hoof threateningly, causing Snitch to flinch.
As he was about to interrogate him further, a few guards came in with weapons, and one of them yelled, “Get on the ground’er we’ll kill ye, IMPOSTER!”
Kal rolled his eyes and sarcastically said, “Oh no, you guys found me. You want a bucking medal or something?”
The guards charged at Kal who grinned and raised an eyebrow, “This oughta be fun”
(Cave entrance)
“DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND GET ON THE GROUND” Shining sternly shouted at the outgunned and outnumbered guards at the cave entrance.
His forces moved in swiftly as each individual guard was searched. A few raised their weapons to fight but received a lifetime supply of bullets before they could get a shot off.
Shining heard screaming coming from the torture room, “Oh no, what are they doing to Kal!?”
Shining and his forces charged into the room, “Breaching, breaching! Get on the ground, GET ON THE GROUND!”
(Torture room)
They expected several armed guards and a weeping, bloody Kal, but were instead greeted by the assassin himself who was casually sitting back looking over his work nonchalantly. The ground was littered with the mangled remains of the guards that charged at Kal. Half of the faces were unrecognizable, and severed limbs were scattered around the carnage. The only living guard was sobbing openly, bruised and bloody, hanging upside-down from the ceiling by his testicles, and begging Kal to end his life.
Shining’s men were shocked, but Shining had seen this before and sighed, “It’s not morally right to do that sort of thing, you know”
“Well, they attacked me first! It was an act of self-defense” Kal stated almost matter-of-factly.
Shining rolled his eyes then looked at the guard hanging upside down, “Why’d you keep that guy alive?”
“He looks to be of a higher rank than the other ones, so I thought he might know something. THAT and he gave me some lip, which, as you know, I don’t appreciate very much” Kal snickered, with a viciously smug psychopathic grin on his face.
(Ponyville)
The two exited the cave and walked back to Ponyville, leaving the cleanup to the law enforcement. They’d help with the interrogations tomorrow, but for now, they were just going to go home.
They walked in silence for a while through the summer night before Shining started the conversation up, “So what about Bon-Bon? Did you meet her?”
Kal rolled his eyes grumpily, “No, it seems Pinkie Pie decided to introduce me to everypony EXCEPT Bon-Bon and Lyra”
Shining chuckled, “You know there’s more to this than the mission. Princess Luna would’ve wanted you to go and meet everypony as well”
Kal sighed and looked at the moon, “I think this is all just ridiculous, if I don’t like other ponies then why is she putting me in this situation? Is she doing it as punishment for something? Doesn’t she love me?”
Shining laughed nervously, “She DOES love you, and that’s why she’s doing this to you. Don’t you see how much you’ve missed out on in life being a complete shut-in? My sister was like you, and she’s glad Princess Celestia made her come here”
Kal bit his lip and decided it was best not to respond, as he didn’t want to insult his best friend’s sister again. The two walked back to the library in silence, unsure as to what was going to happen next. When they got back, they found that Twilight was reading a book, waiting for them.
(Twilight’s library)
When they walked through the door, Twilight raised her head and yawned, “Goodness you two were out late, what all happened?”
Before they could answer, Spike walked in, “Hey, who’s this guy, Twi?”
“This is Kal, he’s the assassin I told you about” Twilight said, annoyed by the interruption and clearly eager to know what happened.
Spike’s eyes went wide, “Oh, uh, hello suh-sir”
Kal rolled his eyes, “It’s alright, buddy, last time I checked I’m not here to put a blade in a baby dragon’s throat”
Kal chuckled before realizing how gruesome his choice of words were as Twilight and Shining stared at him and Spike started slowly backing towards the stairs, “Right, uh, I’m off to bed, night Twi!”
Shining glared at Kal, “Nicely done, you scared ANOTHER innocent child; I think you deserve a medal”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Your sarcasm falls on deaf ears, my friend. Anyways, though, we cleared out a compound of ponies, Twilight”
“Kal got captured too” Shining added.
Kal quirked up an eyebrow, “I wasn’t captured, you could clearly see I was dominating the situation. I only get captured when I WANNA get captured, kid”
Shining was going to argue, but decided against it, as his friend’s ego was near-impenetrable, “Maybe we ought to get some sleep, it’s getting late”
Kal grinned, having won the short argument, and trotted upstairs triumphantly.
“Oh, Kal, I only have two beds, I’ll just set up a mattress for you down here” Twilight added before he went up the stairs fully.
Kal sighed and helped her get the mattress, blankets, and pillows out. Once everypony had gotten their sleeping arrangements settled, Kal stared up at the ceiling and thought to himself. Why AM I here? I’ve succeeded in everything so far, what makes Luna think this is REALLY going to help my future missions? He let out a long sigh before rolling on his side and attempting to sleep.
“Hey Kal, Pinkie’s throwing another party, wanna come?” Shining asked his friend cheerfully.
Kal frowned, “Another party? I already went to one, Shiny, there’s no point in meeting everypony a second time”
Shining lit up, “But this one’s your BIRTHDAY PARTY! You HAVE to come!”
“Birthday party? Shiny, my birthday’s not for a few months” Kal stated bluntly, wondering why his friend was so cheerful.
Shining’s face fell into an uncharacteristic pout, “But we’ve planned on this for months! You have to come; you wouldn’t wanna make Pinkie feel bad, now would you?”
Kal rolled his eyes, “Fine, let’s go”
The two walked towards sugarcube corner and Shining held the door open for Kal again. Aaaw, isn’t that cute, Shining’s being so polite for my bir-GHACK! A sharp pain penetrated his throat, as he felt a knife embedded deeply into his neck. He sputtered and gasped for air as Shining grinned evilly. He turned on the lights to reveal both princesses hogtied and gagged in a cage along with Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, and the other ponies.
“Muahahahaaa,” Shining cackled as he got close to Kal’s face, “happy birthday to you, my friend”
Kal helplessly flailed about, attempting to stop the imposter of his best friend. He tried to scream, but no noise came out of his mouth. He glared at the imposter, who was now pointing a gun at his face.
“Sweet dreams…ASSASSIN” he cackled before firing his gun.
“NO!” Kal screamed as he woke up wide-eyed and panting.
He looked around the room; he was in the library, everything as normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Phew, that was just a dream. What time is it? He got up to get a better view of the clock, and found that it was 2am. Wow, I’ve only slept for four hours…I’m wide awake now, though, and there’s no way I’ll be going back to sleep after…THAT. He sighed, and decided he was going to go take a walk.
(Ponyville)
He liked the city streets at night; everything was so quiet and so peaceful. No young children would run up and bother him, no pony to crave attention from him, no Pinkie Pie to-
“HIYA BRASSY!” Oh sweet Celestia, please, no.
He sighed and realized that the sugar-filled pink mare was literally inches from his face, “Hi Pinkie. What are you doing up this late?”
Pinkie giggled, “I was just gonna do some late-night pranking! Wanna come!?”
Her words echoed through the streets as Kal rolled his eyes, “Not like I had anything better to do”
She nearly peed herself from excitement, “That’s great! Who do you wanna prank first!?”
“Well, I suppose Shining’s had it coming to him for a while now” Kal grinned evilly and flashed his eyes towards his new accomplice (Who was important, because he could pin the blame on her if he needed to).
Pinkie was close to bursting with joy, “Great! This is gonna bring our characters closer together! Let’s go brainstorm some ideas!”
The two went to sugarcube corner and plotted their devious scheme. They seemed to be the perfect team, one was an experienced saboteur and the other was an experienced prank…oteur. Kal was impressed at Pinkie’s creativity, as her plots were incredibly complex and seemed like they were completely solid. Every part of it was brilliant; everything was there that needed to be there to make it a good prank. Once the blueprint for everything was finished they went to get their supplies and put their plan into action.
(Twilight’s library, two hours later)
Kal tickled his friend’s nose, only to have Shining unconsciously smack himself in the face with a hoof full of shaving cream.
“Zzz”-Shining smacked himself in the face-“Shnorwha?”
He stumbled out of bed and got his hoof stuck to a skateboard lined with superglue. The skateboard then set off a trip-wire that sent a mallet towards Shining’s back, knocking him forward on the skateboard, and propelling him forward. Afterwards, he fell out of the bedroom face-first into a custard pie.
Pinkie and Kal howled with laughter, “Bahahaha, nicely done Shiny! You’re a model soldier to us all!”
Shining, still dazed and confused as to what just happened, tried in vain to stand back up, only to slip back down into the pie because he forgot he had a skateboard glued to his hoof, causing even more laughter from the two pranksters. He realized what was happening and tried to pull the skateboard off of his hoof.
Twilight yawned, “What happened?”
The laughter that had erupted between the two woke up the neighbors at 4:30 in the morning. Needless to say, they were NOT happy. Octavia complained about her beauty sleep as Vinyl complained about her hangover. Still laughing maniacally, Pinkie and Kal went down to try to help Shining with the skateboard.
Shining glared at them both through his mask of custard, “What’s wrong with you two? You could’ve hurt somepony!”
Kal tried and failed to stop giggling like a little school filly, “The only thing hurt here is your pride, Shiny! Consider us even”
Neither Shining nor Twilight was amused by the situation.
(Twilight’s library, a few hours later)
“I am VERY disappointed in you two” Twilight scowled angrily.
“Oh relax Twilight; we were just having a little bit of fun!” Pinkie chirped, happy to see that Kal actually liked her now.
Shining rolled his eyes, “If by ‘a little bit of fun’ you mean embarrassing me in front of my little sister, then yes, mission accomplished”
“Right, but let’s be honest, you’ve done worst stuff to me in the past few days” Kal snorted, eating the remaining custard pie with Pinkie appreciatively.
Before he could argue further, Pinkie bounced up, gasping dramatically, “Brassy, you know who we should get next!? Rainbow Dash!”
“Wow, that sounds awesome! Let’s roll, Pinkie!” Kal was as excited as Pinkie was at this point, having been cheered up immensely by seeing his best friend facing humiliation in front of his little sister.
The two scampered off excitedly, thinking of different ways to prank her. Once they had left, Twilight walked up to her brother and giggled. He glared at her, but a grin soon formed on his face as well.
“Alright, alright, I suppose it was a LITTLE funny,” Shining admitted, “but they woke the neighbors with their laughter.
Twilight smiled warmly, “Well yes, but he’s been under a lot of stress lately, so I think he deserved it”
(The Ponyville park)
“Ok, so lemme get this straight,” Pinkie Pie said, uncharacteristically serious for the sake of the prank, “you’re going to tape Dashie’s wings down, then tase her to wake her up, she’ll jump out of the clouds and fall into my vat of pudding down below”
Kal nodded, “Rrright! I can supply the taser, you just go get the pudding!!”
Without another word Pinkie Pie carefully positioned the massive bucket of pudding below Rainbow Dash.
“Where did you…oh nevermind, Pinkie, I’ll just go get the taser!” Kal was about to happily trot off when he saw something that stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Okidokilo-” Pinkie chirped before being interrupted.
Kal grew serious and shushed Pinkie, “Sssh, get down!”
The two ducked behind a bush as Pinkie put away the small pool of pudding somehow and whispered, “What is it? Is there somepony else to prank?”
Kal facehoofed, “No, Pinkie, it’s Bon-Bon and Lyra, I need to befriend them for my mission! Pinkie, you’re, er, kind of an extrovert, how should I approach them!?”
Pinkie giggled, “Well he couldn’t think of a better way to introduce you to her than this, so”
Pinkie grabbed a confused Kal’s tail and dragged him toward the bench where the two mares were sitting, “Hey, what’re you, GAH! Not this again Pinkie!”
She dragged him up to the two who were chatting on a park bench, “Hiya girls! This is Brassy! Brassy, don’t be shy, say hi to them!”
Kal blushed, not ready at ALL for a conversation with the two mares who were now giggling at him, “Oh, uh, h-hello…”
Lyra grinned, sensing that he might be shy around Bon-Bon because he likes her (Funny, because she couldn’t be farther from the truth), “Oh, hey there buddy, haven’t seen you since the party!”
He grinned sheepishly, “Er, yeah, I had to, um, go”
Bon-Bon seemed a little confused at the conversation but found it humorous how nervous he was, “Ha, get any more nervous and you’ll faint again, buddy”
Wow, she’s a grade A biznatch, isn’t she? “Oh, heh, sorry, I just don’t like meeting, um, new ponies…”
The two mares giggling at him didn’t help his confidence at all. He searched desperately for a way out of this situation. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared! He looked up to Pinkie Pie desperately and then thought of something.
“Hey, Pinkie,” he tried and failed to say nonchalantly, “we still have to get that stuff for Rainbow Dash”
He winked at her and she gasped dramatically, “Omigosh I almost forgot! C’mon Brassy, let’s go!”
Both Lyra and Bon-Bon laughed hysterically at his not-so-graceful exit from the scene, “Bye BRASSY, nice meeting you!”
As soon as the two mares were out of earshot he sighed deeply, “Pinkie, why did you take me into that situation blind like that? We should’ve prepared, you can’t just-”
“Mmf mmshf mmsh mm!” she interrupted him, saying something he didn’t understand, of course.
He sighed, then decided he would just remain silent and crossed his front hooves across his chest as he was dragged along. Great, Bon-Bon thinks I’m a weirdo, Shiny’s probably mad at me, and Pinkie’s probably gonna mess up the rest of my mission with her obsession over the fourth wall. Could this day get any worse?
His question was answered when he heard a loud “LOOK OUT” before he was pounded in the stomach by a flying projectile.
Letters flew everywhere as he rubbed his damaged gut. He looked around to see what had hit him, only to find a pegasus with her head stuck in the ground, trying to pull it out. I know I’ve seen her before, where have I-Oh, oh no, oh no, this isn’t happening to me. He could deal with one crazy mare, but two? He would have to commit seppuku by the end of THAT ordeal. As both Pinkie and Derpy tried to recover, Kal swiftly and silently snuck off.
(Ponyville)
Having put a few buildings between himself and the two crazy mares, he let out a sigh of relief. Once again, Derpy, you provided the distraction I needed.
He had nothing else on his agenda for the rest of the day except for the interrogations later, so he decided for the first time in a while he would just walk about and see if there was anything to be done. It felt good to casually stroll through town, as it was a nice day. As he was walking around, he exchanged glances with Applejack and Rarity. The two mares glared at him, before marching straight up to him angrily.
He quirked up an eyebrow, “Is something wrong?”
Applejack scowled at him, “Yeh somethin’s wrong, ya lied to us! Ya told us ya were studyin’ fer Luna with Twilight, but it turns out yer just a stone-cold killer!”
Kal’s face went pale; his cover was blown with them, who else might know at this point? He stared at the angry mares for a few moments before he proceeded on with the conversation.
“I-I…look, I have to lie to everypony, don’t you see? If I don’t, my cover will be blown, and I’ll be killed off by my target! Did you tell anypony else? Who else knows?” Kal was panicking at this point, unsure if the past two days had been a complete failure.
Applejack and Rarity exchanged glances, then sighed, “Far as I know Twilight only told us, Fluttershy, an’ Rainbow”
Kal let out a sigh of relief, it was fine if the elements know about him, “Well, please, don’t tell anypony else about this. If not for me, do it for Princess Luna”
They pitied him, realizing now that he was actually a national hero that nopony knew, “Fine then, we won’t tell anypony about your…barbaric…job if you tell us the truth from now on”
He sighed, he honestly could care less about Rarity’s opinion, it was more of his concern about lying to the element of honesty. He nodded his head in agreement and thanked them both.
His eyes went wide in realization, “Hey, wait…did you say Fluttershy and Rainbow both know too?”
The two simultaneously nodded seconds before he started running to find them, “Woah, look at the time, seeya, gotta go!”
They watched him as he ran away and chuckled, “I really think I like that feller, he looked like he’s been through a lot. I feel kinda bad ‘bout bein’ mean t’him like that”
Rarity sighed, “Yes, I think you’re right. Maybe we should apologize for being so rude to him”
They nodded silently in agreement as they continued on.