//------------------------------// // I'm not gay, if that's what you're asking... // Story: The socially awkward assassin // by wariyoshi //------------------------------// (Ponyville royal guard HQ) “I just don’t get it, Hans,” Kal paced back and forth as Hans spaced out to the constant click-clacking rhythm of a Newton’s cradle on his desk, “why did they talk about me so much? I haven’t talked to Bon-Bon for DAYS” Hans sighed, “Well, we never really had parents in the hive, to be honest, so I don’t really know anything about how your kind raises their children” Kal rolled his eyes, “Thanks Changy, very helpful” Hans nodded neutrally at the comment and stared off into space again as Kal continued with his rant, “Sweet Celestia, you don’t think they’ve seen through my disguise, do you?” Hans’ day dream survive-one-of-Kal’s-rants instinct throbbed as he detected a question and snapped out of his trance, “No, er, if they did, he probably would’ve told her about it. Speaking of which, why don’t you just snipe him next time when he walks along to talk to this…Enza?” “I’m trying to gather as much intelligence as I can about OTHER drug operations he deals with before I take him out,” Kal stated matter-of-factly, “with him dead, a lot of secrets that would have otherwise slipped liberally from his lips in the safety of his home will be six feet under” Hans ignored the big words and pretended like he was listening. Hans liked Kal, he had grown to like him over the past few days that they had been working together (Kal pretty much helped Hans with his work when he had off-time), but sometimes his worrying was annoying. Hans decided it was time that he wrapped up the conversation, as he had some paperwork he needed to fill out, “So what are we doing today?” Kal smiled, “You and I are going on a double date, my friend” Hans quirked up a disbelieving eyebrow, “And how exactly do you plan to do that, Slim Shady?” Kal grinned confidently, “Take on the disguise of the most handsome stallion you can think of and ask Lyra out on a date as I ask Bon-Bon out on a date” Hans smirked and flashed his sickly green changeling eyes, “Why do I have to come? Your other one went so well!” Kal sighed, “Well, this time I won’t be using alcohol, that’s for damn sure. But you know, that whole thing COULD have worked out better if I had a wing man with me. Hint hint” “Could have worked out better? You talked to the boss himself, face to face,” Hans stated bluntly, “what could have worked out better than that? “But that was a FLUKE! Come on Hans, it’ll be much easier to manage two mares if I’ve got somepony with me!” Kal whined almost childishly. Hans sighed, clearly annoyed, “Fine, fine, you big wuss. Get me one of those magazines with the sexy guys on the cover” Kal shifted awkwardly, “But the clerk’s gonna think I’m…gay” “Do you want me to come with you or not?” Hans waggled his eyebrows at Kal’s scowl. “Alright, alright, brat, I’ll get your stupid magazine” Kal turned to leave the room. “Get one of those playfilly ones, where the stallion is wearing high socks! The ladies go craaazy for that! I’m sure you’re pretty experienced as well!” Hans sneered. “I can kill a stallion twice my size, you know” Kal growled angrily. “Good girl” Hans chirped happily as Kal left. Kal popped his head back into the room and glared at Hans menacingly, “I heard that, and technically I don’t have to go buy this…I outrank you, you know” The two stared at each other sternly for a few minutes before they burst out into laughter, “Celestia damn it all, I hate you sometimes, Changy” (Porn store) Yuck, I’m probably gonna run into some greasy 40-year-olds. If I touch one of them my body will probably implode on the spot. He walked through the glass door that had two posters of mares proudly displaying their plots and looked around for the homosexual section. A stallion with a bushy mustache came through a door from behind the counter and smiled at Kal, “Ah, a customer! Allo, how are you today?” Kal looked around awkwardly, “I’m looking for a magazine for a friend…where’s the, mmm…” The stallion couldn’t understand Kal’s mumbles, but smiled as he knew what he was talking about, “Ze second to last row down zere. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your…friend…” Kal sighed, “I’m not gay, this really is for a friend” “Oh, I believe you sir, I compleeetely believe you” the merchant sneered. Kal blushed and trotted over in a defeated manner to the section he was looking for. He didn’t dislike gay ponies. Well, kind of. He disliked all ponies, but not because they were gay, anyways. When he got older, however, a rumor started around the royal guard that he only liked males. Since those times, the ponies who are closest to him like to tease him about it a LOT, Luna especially. She once threw him a “coming out of the closet party” in front of the members of her lunar guard, which was most likely the trigger of his alcoholism. He sighed quietly and searched through the unattractive playfilly magazines when he heard the door open. Oh great, ponies came in. I hope I don’t know them. If that’s Rainbow, I swear I’ll never hear the end of this. “Allo, is there anything I can…” The shopkeeper’s voice was cut off by a loud gasp as Kal heard the click of a gun being readied to fire, “Give us the money from the register, and nopony here has to get hurt. Is there anypony else in this store?” Celestia damn it all, can’t I go one day without something dramatic happening? “N-nopony else is here, suh-sir” the merchant’s voice stammered before a single gunshot was heard. Nope, I guess not. “My leg! Oh, no, aaaaggghhh!!! It…it hurts!” “Vinny, check the isles, I’ll make sure this guy doesn’t do anythin’ he’ll regret” a gruff voice said before hoofsteps started down the aisles. Kal did a combat roll past a few aisles stealthily, avoiding detection. He waited to ambush the pony that came past him and pounced quietly. The pony barely let out a peep that would put Fluttershy to shame before he was out cold from a clean pressure point to the neck. He grabbed the pony’s gun and snuck up behind the other masked criminal, who was too busy down-talking the shopkeeper to notice that a trained killer was creeping up from behind him. Kal smashed the stallion’s head on the counter and knocked him out cold with an almost surgically placed pistol whip to his temple. He reached over the counter and dialed 911 on the phone, calling both an ambulance and the police, “Emergency vehicles are on their way” He scanned his item, seemingly oblivious to the stallion clutching his wound and failing to fight back tears. Kal dropped a few coins hurriedly on the counter and told him to keep the change. “Wh-who are you? What are you?” the shopkeeper attempted to choke out the two biggest questions of the million he had racing through his mind. Kal frowned, and in a state of paranoia awkwardly answered, “I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking…goodbye” (Ponyville royal guard HQ) “Honey, I’m home” Kal sarcastically chirped into Hans’ office. Mimicking the assassin’s mock enthusiasm, Hans fluttered his non-existent eyelashes, “Oh, did you get the groceries, dear? And how about the paper, did you grab one of those on your way into town, too?” Kal rolled his eyes and flopped the magazine on the table, igniting a long, exaggerated gasp from the changeling in the room, “Dear! I didn’t think you flew that way. I don’t know how to put this, dear, but I find that more than a little…arousing…” Kal’s eye twitched as he felt a hoof slid down his back, “Hans. Don’t touch me” Hans frowned, “Sorry, I wanted to see how far I could go. Armor told me that he thinks you’re gay, and it’s my Celestia-given mission to prove it!” Kal glared at Hans who smiled sheepishly, “Well, to be fair, Celestia DID tell me to find out your sexuality if we’re going to be working together…I know you understand” Unamused, Kal growled and glared at the picture of Celestia on the Equestrian flag in the corner, “I really hate her” Hans frowned, “You’re one of the few ponies that can legally get away with hating her” The assassin smiled, “Maybe I’m a revolutionary and I haven’t realized it yet” “Maybe you’re just stupid and you haven’t realized it yet” Hans teased. Hans chuckled to himself as Kal rolled his eyes. After a few awkward moments of silence, Hans decided to change the conversation. “So about those dates” he said as he flipped through the magazine. “Oh, this one looks promising, what do you think of this o-” he said before he was cut off. “No. Just pick a disguise and get going” Kal growled fiercely. Hans rolled his eyes and picked a page at random, “Ah, perfect! This one will do!” Without another word, he morphed into a large, muscle-bound colt with long, dark socks, causing Kal to erupt in booming laughter, “Y-you look like a gigolo, ha!” Hans frowned and slipped the socks off awkwardly, “Heh, well, at least we got some free socks out of this!” Kal wiped the tears from his eyes, “Yeah, until you change back” Hans sighed, “Can we just get to this date thing please?” (Ponyville park) “Yeah, then I told him I wasn’t gay…I don’t think he was asking me about that, though” the assassin blushed and smiled sheepishly. Hans chuckled, “Oh Kally, always the paranoid one” Kal frowned, “We’ve known each other for like three days” “And look how much of an impression you’ve made” Hans stated bluntly. “Hans, the last day I leave this town, I’m just gonna get my assault rifle, and-” Kal’s death threat was cut off short. “Oh sweet Chrysalis,”-Hans looked all around nervously-“I can sense the presence of another changeling” Kal’s eyes went wide as he lowered his head slightly and spoke in a hushed voice, “Are you sure? How can you tell?” Hans’ eyes narrowed, “It’s the scent. I can smell him, changelings have a distinct smell. It smells kind of like the sewer, but a lot more sour” Kal gagged, “How did you survive living in the hive then? It must have been like a dumpster in there” Hans rolled his eyes, “Changelings like foul smells, Kal. Sheesh, you’re ignorant” Kal sighed, “Thanks. Anyways, I guess we’ll just go along and see if we can find the source, then” Hans shook his head, “No, we aren’t here to hunt changelings, we’re here to kill Tony Bon” Kal tilted his head to the side, “But suppose we DID find one…would that be a pay raise for us?” Hans sighed, “Look, don’t worry about it, we’ll be fine, we just need to play it safe” Kal nodded confidently, “Right! Er, let’s go!” (Meanwhile, on a bench in another part of Ponyville park) “…woah…” Lyra’s eyes widened as Bon-Bon stared at her with a confused expression. Bon-Bon narrowed her eyes and quirked up an eyebrow, “What’s the matter? Is it one of…them?” Lyra nodded, “I don’t know who it is, but it’s definitely another changeling” Bon-Bon frowned, “So what do we do, then?” The musician sighed, “I have no idea. Just wait here, I guess? Changelings don’t usually seek out other changelings unless they have specific business with them. It could be one of the licensed ones from town” (Ponyville park with Kal and Hans) “Let’s see,” Kal spoke his thoughts aloud, “I think the bench they always sit at is right around…” “We’re lost, aren’t we?” Hans stated bluntly, causing an overdramatic gasp from Kal. “Lost!? Why, I’ll have you know I’ve studied the Ponyville map like ten times, and I know that those girls always sit on the bench in the northeastern part of the park!” he said proudly and confidently. Hans facehoofed, “Then why are we heading southwest?” Kals smiled sheepishly, “I know what I’m doing!” Hans rolled his eyes as he and Kal made a U-turn and headed northeast. They started walking when a thought occurred to Hans. He looked at Kal who was smiling contently, “Do we even know what we’re going to say?” Kal cringed as his eyes went wide and he looked at Hans, “I…have no clue. Any ideas?” Hans sighed, “Well, not really” Kal thought for a moment before exclaiming, “Aha! I’ve got it! I’ll be the socially competent friend that pushes you, the shy one, to ask Lyra out on a double date” Hans frowned, “Not like we have much choice, we’re already here. Let’s get into character” Kal smirked, “You should’ve gone in socks, they would’ve thought that was kinky” “Not a good idea,” Hans laughed, “I’d be worried that you wouldn’t be able to keep your eyes off of me” Kal pushed him towards them, “Just get in there” Oh, right, it’s go time. Hans put on his best innocent and shy face and slowly walked over to the two females. He avoided eye contact and squeaked, “Er, h-hello” They broke away from their conversation to look at this newcomer when their hearts stopped. Their jaws hit the floor and their eyes went as wide as dinner plates. Standing in front of them was without a doubt the hunkiest, sexiest stallion they had ever seen. And the best part was that he was addressing them of his own accord. It took them a few seconds to reply due to shock, but Bon-Bon was the first to be able to say anything, “Er, hey there…I-I don’t believe we’ve met” He put on a nervous smile and attempted to look up at them, but deliberately failed “M-my name is…um…Hans” Lyra tilted her head to the side and looked at him suspiciously, “Well Hans…er, what do you want?” “This is Lyra, by the way!” Bon-Bon hastily added, earning a what-the-buck look from Lyra, “And I’m her friend, Bon-Bon!” “Oh, erm, h-hello Lyra and Bon-Bon…” he said quietly, still avoiding eye contact. Something is wrong with him. “What do you want, then?” Lyra repeated herself shrewdly. Something’s off about her. He smiled weakly, “Oh, um, well, it’s kind of embarrassing, but…” He paused and cleared his throat a little, “Well, my friend Kal thinks I need to talk to some mares every now and then, so…” He opened his mouth to speak, but Lyra interrupted him, “So what?” He bit his lip and chanced a glance at her eyes, which were squinted from distrust of the stranger, “So, um, he was gonna ask you two if you want to go on a double date…or NOT, if you don’t want to, that’s totally fine” Before Lyra could deny his request, Bon-Bon answered with a big, white grin, “Well sure! Which pony gets which pony?” Lyra looked insulted. Bon-Bon…you’re going to get us into trouble, you just don’t know it yet. Hans looked up in fake mild amazement, “Oh, that would be fantastic! Kal said he wanted you, Bon-Bon, so I’ll go with Lyra! Thank you so much…I have to go, bye!” “Wait! Where and when are we doing this?” Bon-Bon asked as he turned to walk away. “Kal will tell you, bye!” he said as he quickly scampered off, leaving the mares alone to talk about the event that had just occurred. “Oh, this is going to be amazing, Lyra! He looks so good, an-” Bon-Bon spewed before she was cut off. Lyra sighed angrily, “Bon-Bon, you’re stupid” Bon-Bon was thrown off by that comment, “Er, what?” Lyra rolled her eyes, “Didn’t something seem off about him?” Bon-Bon opened her mouth to protest, but no words came out, and were instead replaced by Lyra continuing, “He’s a changeling, Bon. He wants to feed off of my love” Bon-Bon fell back in shock, “Ch-changeling?” The two were silent for a few moments before Bon-Bon started chuckling nervously, “Oh Lyra, you’re such a kidder! You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding!” Lyra frowned at Bon-Bon’s begging and shook her head, “Sorry, but I knew he had to be a changeling” Bon-Bon cursed herself, “All the handsome ones! What about Kal?” Lyra shook her head, “Kal isn’t; I didn’t feel it from him” Bon-Bon sighed in relief then blinked in realization, “Lyra? Why is he going on the date with you? I thought changelings couldn’t take love from other changelings” Lyra shrugged, “No clue. Maybe he’s planning on exposing me” Lyra shivered at the thought as Bon-Bon sighed, “Perfect. Just perfect. At least I get a chance to redeem myself with Kal” The two laughed at that and moved onto another conversation. (Ponyville park, out of Lyra and Bon-Bon’s earshot) Kal grinned widely, “How’d it go, Tiger?” Hans frowned, “Kal, we need to talk” Kal’s eyes went wide, “Oh Celestia, did they turn you down? We need to change our tactics” Hans sighed, “No, it’s not that, we’re in the clear. It’s just that things are about to get really complicated” Kal tilted his head a little and inquired, “Why? What’s wrong?” “Remember when I sensed another changeling in the park?”-Kal nodded-“Well, it turns out that Lyra is that changeling” Kal’s eyes widened to realization, “It didn’t say she was a licensed changeling in her biography, she must be illegal” Hans nodded, “Precisely. But we can’t report her” “Why,” Kal inquired, “she’ll make things really hard on our date if she knows about you” “She’s an extra source of information” Hans stated bluntly. Kal was about to argue, but Hans’ words sunk into his brain and his eyes went wide as he smiled, “You’re right! Wow Hans, I didn’t know you were this good at being a spy!” Hans smiled, “I normally deal with counter-changeling activity; I was assigned to you because they needed an experienced and competent pony to assist you” Kal smirked, “Define ‘Experienced and competent’” Hans rolled his eyes and spoke once again, “I’ll talk to Lyra later this evening about the whole changeling thing” Kal nodded, “I’ll tell Tony Bon about the date. We can meet up at Sugarcube corner when we’re done. Agreed?” Kal held out a hoof out to Hans, who bumped it with his own, “Agreed” (Tony Bon’s house, later that evening) Kal touched down near the front door and knocked. He needed to tell the boss about his plans, as was requested of him previously. The same stallion answered the door and scowled, “What’s up?” “I need to talk to Mr. Bon. I plan on taking his daughter and her friend out on a date, sir” the assassin incognito said in a business-like manner. The stallion nodded, “Step inside, here. I’ll see if the boss is busy. Bill, watch this kid” The armed guard nodded as the other Stallion descended the stairs into the basement. A few moments later, two sets of hoofsteps could be heard coming up the stairs somewhat hastily. Tony Bon saw Kal and smiled, “Didn’t I scare you last time, kid?” Kal smiled sheepishly, “I suppose not enough, sir” Tony chuckled, “So what do I owe the honor of your arrival?” “Well, sir,” Kal said, a little more comfortable this time around because of the bosses’ good-natured sarcasm (And because he wasn’t threatening him with death, now), “I was hoping to take Bon-Bon on a date. A double date, in fact, with my friend, Hans, and her friend, Lyra” Tony frowned slightly and thought for a moment, before finally responding, “Where and when?” Kal looked at the ground nervously, “Well, er, sir, we never really established that. Is she home?” Tony nodded and walked to the bottom of the steps, “BON-BON!” Bon-Bon’s voice could be heard, “Yeah, Papa?” “Your coltfriend is here to see you!” came the response. “Gah, Tartarus! I’ll be right down!” she said as Kal heard frantic hoofsteps upstairs. “Uh, sir?”-Tony looked back at Kal-“We’re not marefriend and coltfriend, we’ve only been on one date” Tony shook his head, “Kids these days…” Bon-Bon ran down the stairs, and smiled sheepishly, “Er, hey Kal!” Kal smiled charmingly, “Hey Bon-Bon! I was just here to tell your father about the date” “Oh I see,” she said as she walked up to them both, “and what are we doing for the date?” Kal was at a loss for words, he hadn’t put much thought into what was going to happen. She sighed, “I guess we could…go see a movie?” “Alright, what do you wanna see, then?” he offered, internally nervous because of the Bosses’ presence. “Well,” she said with a cold glare towards her father who rolled his eyes, “Lyra and I have wanted to see the amazing batstallion 12: Revenge of the sequel, but SOMEpony wouldn’t let us” “I hope you don’t mean me. It was your own fault for getting grounded” he said innocently. She gritted her teeth, but swallowed her pride and turned back to Kal who backed away a little bit, “Sorry, tensions are high around here I guess” He smiled handsomely, “Sounds good, the movie starts at eight, I think. We can hang out and have dinner at Sugarcube corner at five. Does that sound good?” Bon-Bon nodded and looked to her father who nodded in approval as well, “Great! Come by here at about five with your friend so that Lyra and I can walk with you to Sugarcube corner” Kal nodded and turned to leave, but was stopped by Tony, “Oh, and Kal” He turned back, “Yes, sir?” Tony glared menacingly and pointed at the wall of intimidating, armed stallions that Kal could easily kill if he wanted to. Kal faked a shudder, nodded, and hastily left the building. Well, that went well. (Lyra’s house) Hans took a deep breath and walked up to the door, knocking softly. He didn’t think she would be asleep, as it was relatively early, but she could have been one of those ponies who will do anything for sleep. She answered the door and was slightly surprised when she saw who was standing in front of her, “May I come in?” She nodded and he walked into her house. As soon as she closed the door, he changed into his changeling form. “You knew about what I was when we were talking, no doubt” he stated smoothly. She changed into her changeling form as well and nodded, “You’re suddenly less shy, aren’t you?” He cringed, forgetting that he needed to be shy, but quickly came up with an excuse, “I have to shut my shyness up so that I can attend more serious issues” “Which are…?” Lyra inquired, curious as to why he was in her home. “I didn’t want you to think I was going to feed off of you. Are you licensed, by the way?” he asked nonchalantly. She cringed, “No…are you? You can’t be, I’ve never seen you around town” He smiled, “I am licensed; I’m just nomadic” Her heart sank, “You’re…you’re not going to report me, are you?” He shook his head, “I would have reported you by now if that was the case” She sighed, “Well, I suppose that’s good. Are you settling here?” He nodded, “Yes, and I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anypony about me” “But there’s a club we have in town,” she said anxiously, “it’s called ‘changelings incognito’ because we’re all changelings who support each other. I’ll make sure they know about you as well” “No, I’d rather they didn’t, thanks. I’ll meet up with individual changelings if I talk to them, but I don’t necessarily like my own kind. No offense, of course” he stated matter-of-factly. “Alright then, so long as you tell nopony about me,” she did the sacred ‘honorbound changeling promise’, which, regardless of anything, could NOT be broken, “I won’t tell anypony or anyling about you. Er, except for Bon-Bon, she already knows” He mimicked her, “Right. And Kal, he knows about you as well” The two were silent for a moment before she started another topic, “So…what’s your story?” He smiled, he knew that was coming up, as it was customary that all runaway changelings ask that of each other, “Number 6429, at your service. Formerly ranked LTJG(t) of the changeling royal guard” She was shocked, “Royal guard? Fancy. But, Lieutenant junior grade temporary? Why weren’t you promoted?” He smiled, “I fled the day before I was to be promoted” Her eyes narrowed, “I see. You’re one of the deserters, then. No shame in that, but why did you leave? That’s some serious prestige you held there” He scowled, “Prestige? The amount of prestige you have within the hive doesn’t matter. We were torturing ponies, mutilating them into insanity so that we could feed off of their raw emotions. I fled because I felt that what they were doing was wrong” She smiled, before he asked, “So what’s your story, then?” She frowned, “Number 5503, I held the rank of specialist as a scout for the military. My missions were primarily recon. I was sent to Ponyville to see if the ponies here were stupid enough to fall for our disguises, but then I met Bon-Bon” “And you couldn’t leave her, because she was your friend” he finished the story for her, earning a nod from her. He chuckled, “At the risk of sounding a little hypocritical, there’s a lot of generic fanfiction about that. Changeling runs away from the hive because they like ponies in town too much” “What?” she asked, clearly confused, “What’s a fanfiction?” He rolled his eyes, “Nothing. Anyways, gotta go, bye bye” Without another word, he donned his disguise once again and left the house. When she was sure he was gone she rolled her eyes, “Doesn’t he know that fourth walls are expensive? Sheesh”