The socially awkward assassin

by wariyoshi

I love the smell of hay bacon in the morning

(Ponyville)

Shining quirked up an eyebrow and looked at his friend, “You know, you can’t kill off every pony you have a problem with, sometimes ponies don’t deserve to die”

Kal laughed, “Well, that type of mentality hasn’t failed me yet”

Shining rolled his eyes, “What exactly do you plan to achieve? The whole town would be in an uproar, and it’d be difficult to keep anypony who knows about you quiet”

Kal sighed, “To be honest, Shiny, I don’t have much of a choice at this point. If he isn’t taken out, Tony will send an assassin after ME. If they know what I look like, that makes things even MORE complicated”

They walked back to the library silently. Shining felt awkward about the entire situation, because although he trusted his friend’s judgment, he felt it was wrong to be killing somepony in law enforcement. That being said, he didn’t want to admit it, but he knew Kal was right. If the family knew what he looked like, he couldn’t do his job effectively, and it could jeopardize the entire mission.

(Twilight’s library)

They got back to the library and noticed that no lights were on. They walked inside and wondered what the other one was thinking.

It took a minute or two for them to make eye contact, but when they did, Shining was the first to speak, “I guess you’re right, Kal. Maybe he needs to die, for the mission’s sake”

Kal nodded, “Tomorrow we should inform anypony who knows about me what’s going to happen, so they don’t…freak out about it”

Shining grinned, “Glad you’re showing some foresight for once, Kal”

Kal responded by slugging his friend in the arm harshly. They both went to sleep and Kal contemplated how exactly he would kill the chief of police. He thought long and hard about it, but decided it was best to make it look like a heart attack. The whole town would be concerned if the chief of police was sniped in public, but he was a little chubby, so he could potentially be the victim of a heart attack. Eventually, his mind was busy dreaming as opposed to scheming, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up the next day.

He would have stayed in bed, but a familiar smell caught his nose, “Hay…bacon? Hay bacon? Hay bacon! Hay bacon!?”

He leapt up from his mattress and galloped into the kitchen. He wanted to confirm what his nose was telling him and, sure enough, Spike had some sizzling hay bacon in a skillet on the stove.

Kal started weeping openly, and glomped Spike so hard that even Pinkie Pie would have been startled, “Oh-my-Celestia-thank-you-so-much-kind-purple-lizard-thing-I-promise-I’ll-pay-you-back-some-day”

At first Spike was wondering what Kal was doing literally laying on top of him, but then he went wide-eyed, “Aaah! Help Twilight, Kal is trying to KILL me!”

Kal’s heart sank, “What!? No I’m not!”

Twilight and Shining ran into the room, “What’s going on here?”

Kal stopped his drooling over Spike and turned to them, still blubbering like a foal, “Spike is cooking hay bacon just for me! It’s SO beautiful! I didn’t even think he LIKED me!”

Twilight blinked as Shining rolled his eyes, “He really likes hay bacon. Like, he REALLY likes hay bacon. He really really REALLY likes hay bacon”

Kal turned back to Spike, who was still frantically squirming to get out of his bear hug, “For this, I’ll give you one free kill! Anypony you want! I’ll even take out Twilight if you don’t like all of her chores!”

Twilight and Spike were horrified, but Shining only chuckled nervously, “He makes promises like that all the time, but he rarely carries them out…I’ll take care of him”

As Kal attempted to choke out words of praise through his diaphragm spasms, Shining set his taser to the bear setting and shocked him out of his hay bacon frenzy.

Kal jerked and shook violently as electricity shot through his body, before he fell to the ground and looked directly up at Shining, “Thanks, Shiny. I didn’t know how long it would take before I stopped there”

Spike turned off the stove and put the hay bacon onto a plate. He carefully slid it over to Kal as a tribute; not wanting to anger what he thought was a vicious psychopath. His passion re-ignited, Kal happily danced around in a manner resembling Pinkie Pie before mauling the plate of hay bacon before him.

Bits of hay bacon flew all across the kitchen, before Kal burped loudly, “Thanks purple guy. You’re alright with me”

Kal bounced out of the kitchen, as Spike stood still, frozen in the spot he stood from confusion. Shining sighed, rolled his eyes, and followed his friend that embarrassed him so much.

(Ponyville)

Shining chuckled, “I think you scared the little guy again, you should apologize later. What are we doing today, anyways?”

Kal was still beaming from the fun he had earlier, but he was legitimately trying to be serious, “Well, we have to tell the others who know about me what exactly is going to happen tonight. Did you tell Twilight?”

Shining frowned, “Not yet, it didn’t come to mind when we started talking this morning”

Kal sighed, “Why don’t you tell her later tonight when I’m on my way to kill him, I think you’re better with her, anyways. She probably won’t like me very much after the incident with the hay bacon”

Shining chuckled, “Yeah, alright, that seems like a good idea. I’ll tell Rarity and Applejack, and you tell the rest”

Kal nodded happily as he walked down the street opposite of Shining. He got along with Rainbow decently, Fluttershy wouldn’t be much of a problem, he’ll just have to be gentle with her, and then that leaves…oh dear. Kal’s eyes went wide as he stopped walking entirely for a few moments. Oh no no no, this is not happening, where’s Shiny? I wanna switch, I WANNA SWITCH! He desperately looked around for his friend but found that he was already long gone. Kal sighed, facehoofing before walking along again. Well, might as well get her out of the way first.

(Sugarcube corner)

He walked up to sugarcube corner and found Mrs. Cake at the counter, “Hello ma’am, is Pinkie Pie here?”

Not sensing his inner struggle, Mrs. Cake happily nodded, “Yes she is! Are you a friend of hers?”

Kal cringed, not sure if he would wanted to consider her a friend, but at the same time he knew that they most certainly weren’t acquaintances at this point, “Er, you could say that, yes”

She smiled, “Well, why don’t you go up to her room? You’ll find a staircase just past those doors and to the left”

He thanked her and climbed up the creaky stairs, wondering if this was such a good idea. She didn’t take anything seriously; she could ruin the entire mission! He thought about killing her off as well, but quickly shook that thought out of his head. You’re supposed to be helping ponies. Besides, she’s not that bad that’s she’ll jeopardize the whole mission with one dumb move, I’ll just need to talk to her a little. Confidence renewed, he walked down the hallway, looking for Pinkie’s room. When he heard a mare making baby noises, he guessed it was her.

When he walked into the room, Pinkie Pie jumped back from the crib that she was dancing for and gasped dramatically, “BRASSY! What are YOU doing here!?”

Kal rolled his eyes, “Eh, yes Pinkie, I’m here”

“Ooh, ooh, ooh! Are you here to play games with me? I have this new game that-” she squealed excitedly.

Kal attempted to interrupt, “Pinkie”

“is really really REALLY fun! It’s called yuker! It’s a card game with four people and it’s really fun and-” she continued, oblivious to Kal.

Kal sighed, “Pinkie!”

“it’s almost as fun as looking through the comments on-” she continued, still extremely bubbly.

I am NOT putting up with this. “PINKIE PIE! I swear to Celestia that if you do not shut your mouth I’ll break out the chloroform, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?”

Pinkie stopped and nodded her head, even though she didn’t know what chloroform was, “My lips are sealed! What do you wanna talk about, Brassy!?”

As she bounced around excitedly (At least not TALKING now), Kal shut the door and walked over to her awkwardly, unsure of how he was going to start on the topic, “Pinkie, there’s something I need to tell you, but you HAVE to keep it a secret-”

She bounced around excitedly as she interrupted him, “A secret!? Ooh, I love secrets! What’s the secret? What’s the secret!?”

Kal sighed, “Well, I don’t know how to approach this Pinkie, but I’m going to be killing somepony tonight, and I don’t want you to be surprised when you hear about it”

Pinkie stopped mid-air and frowned, “You’re…killing somepony?”

Kal felt guilt surge through his body in the form of a shudder before he nodded, “Yes…and I’m telling you so that you don’t freak out about it. Believe me, I wouldn’t be killing him if I could possibly complete the mission without doing it”

He paused before continuing, not noticing that tears started to slowly well up in her eyes, “If I don’t kill him, he’s going to get a picture of me, and the crime family will kill me. So don’t feel bad about this, it’s-”

Pinkie cut him off by bursting out crying, “WAAAH!”

She startled Kal as she ran out the door into the bathroom down the hall. He ran after her to try to comfort her.

“Pinkie,” He didn’t know what he was going to say, but whatever it was, he was going to say it, “I promise you, the only reason I’m doing this is because it keeps other ponies safe. That’s the only reason I ever kill anypony, because they’re being mean to somepony else”

She sniffed, and looked into his eyes. Before she could say anything, he surprised her by hugging her tightly. She was so sad, but this moment was so happy for her, she didn’t know what to think. Ponies rarely hugged HER, and if they did, it was usually Mrs. Cake.

“Brassy…” She said in between spasms, “I…I promise I won’t tell anypony…but can you tell me who?”

He smiled warmly and nuzzled her affectionately. She generally annoyed him, but he could tell that this happy-go-lucky filly rarely ever had to deal with death, and she was generally a happy mare. He was the one who brought her to this polar opposite state of mind, so it was his duty to fix it.

He shushed her sobs gently, trying to calm her down, “The chief of police is being paid off by the crime family to look the other way about certain things. He’s gonna get a picture of me so that the mob can send it’s own assassin to take me out. If that happens, all will be lost here in Ponyville”

She calmed down now, though she was still sniffing and her mane was straight down and hanging as opposed to curly and poofy, “Well, I guess that’s ok…”

He nodded and finished his long hug with her.

After a long, awkward pause, her mane returned to normal, “Do you wanna try out some new muffins I made, I- Oh wait, you had to tell Rainbow and Fluttershy, I forgot!”

He quirked up an eyebrow, “How did you know I was going to be telling them as opposed to Rarity or Applejack?”

“It’s all in the script, silly!” She said as she was hurriedly pushing him out the door before he could protest.

He sighed and chuckled after he was pushed out of sugarcube corner, “Never thought I’d meet an omniscient party pony”

He took to the air, deciding that he would find Rainbow next. He would try her home first, but it was apparent that she generally napped on some cloud or in some tree for part of her morning.

After checking her house (And seeing that there was a TURTLE there that wasn’t falling straight through the clouds, which was weird), he shrugged and touched down next to the park. He would find her here somewhere, but for now, he’d ask around about her.

(Ponyville park)

He asked several ponies if they knew where Rainbow was, and none of them had any clue. He wished that if she was going to nap for part of the day, she should at least nap in consistent places every day.

As he went on down the path, he saw Lyra and Bon-Bon sitting on a bench together, a different bench from before, but in the same area. He yelped and reflexively dove into the bushes, only to hit his head on a small tree. When he did that, Rainbow Dash herself fell out of the tree and into the bushes with him. What are the odds of that?

“Hey what gives!? I was tak-” she fumed before he cut her off.

“Shush!” his voice was down to a whisper, “Please, Rainbow, I know we’re not the best of friends but this is really important. Get down, now”

She rolled her eyes and sat in the bushes with him, “What are you doing?”

“I need to befriend those two so I can get to know their father, and they already think I’m weird. I need to find some way to talk to them, Rainbow, any suggestions?” He muttered almost inaudibly.

She sighed, “Just go up and TALK to them you stalker, that’s probably the best way to pick up a filly”

He cringed, he didn’t think he would end up dating her, but it was an unwelcome possibility in his mind, “I’m not trying to pick up anypony! I just need to talk to them for now, that’s all”

She giggled, “You suuure about that?”

He rolled his eyes at her immaturity, and then he came up with an idea, “Rainbow, can you do me a huuuge favor?”

She smirked, “Only if you do ME a favor in the future”

He sighed, “Fine, fine, just go make a distraction over there and come get me when I’m done talking to them, I need to talk to you about something urgent after this as well”

She nodded; this was just like when she played capture the flag in PE as a young filly, except it wasn’t in the clouds, and they probably couldn’t die if they fell. He carefully positioned himself in the bushes near the path so that he could nonchalantly enter the crowd. Rainbow gave him the signal and he was off. She did a few amazing, death defying tricks in the park involving curls, flips, and twirls.

Everypony around stood in awe, gawking at the spectacular performance in front of them. Kal mimicked them, trying to fit in when he slowly strode right next to the two who didn’t notice him there. When Rainbow saw that he was at the bench, she flew off and watched Kal from a distance.

Kal was still pretend-surprised when he decided to catch the mares off guard this time, “Who WAS that!?”

They whipped their heads back, not expecting a pony to be standing right next to them, before Lyra said, “Oh, uh, that was Rainbow Dash”

“Wow, she’s a pretty good flier, I wish I could fly like she could!” he faked enthusiasm.

Bon-Bon smiled, “She does a LOT of training, she’s been trying to get into the Wonderbolts her whole life!”

Kal grinned; he had struck up a conversation with them. He kept the conversation going, not wanting it to end because he could tell the two were liking him more and more by the minute. They talked for about 10 minutes before he brought up the question he had been thinking about for the past few days.

“So,” he made them feel comfortable with a kind grin, “are you two going to Pinkie’s party tomorrow?”

The two exchanged glances, “Party? She never told us”

This was just as he had planned, “Oh, it’s a drinking party, are you two over 18?”

Lyra smiled mischievously as Bon-Bon frowned and sighed, “Shut up Lyra…”

Lyra smugly continued the conversation for her, “I’m 18, but li’l Bon-Bon here’s only 17”

Bon-Bon rolled her eyes at the baby noises Lyra was making and shrugged, “I guess I’m not going”

Pinkie wasn’t actually throwing a party tomorrow, but Kal knew that he could convince Pinkie to, “Nope! I’m not leaving anypony behind! A little drinking never hurt anypony! Do you two wanna come with me? I doubt I’ll be talking with many ponies, and I tend to get drunk kind of easily”

The two looked at each other before giggling mischievously, a handsome (Although somewhat weird) stallion was taking them out to a drinking party. They nodded in unison, unable to contain their laughter.

He smiled, “Alright, I’ll see you at…Bon-Bon’s house?”

Lyra frowned, “Oh, no, we’ll meet at my house. Bon-Bon’s dad doesn’t like visitors, and he ESPECIALLY won’t like some colt with his daughter”

Oh, really? I wonder why. “Aaaw, alright then. I’ll meet you two at Lyra’s house at around…eight?”

They nodded in conformation and he started walking away, proud that he had finally gotten a social foothold with them. Ha! I knew I could do it! Tony Bon will be gone in NO time! He grinned to himself at the satisfying thought.

He walked along the path and almost forgot that Rainbow was supposed to meet up with him when she landed right next to him, grinning evilly.

“So how’d it go, tiger?” She snickered.

He sighed and rolled his eyes, “Pretty good. But, hey, I need to talk to you about something else. C’mon, I’ll tell you on the way to Fluttershy’s cottage.

(Fluttershy’s cottage, a few minutes later)

Rainbow seemed like she was much more understanding about this than Pinkie Pie had been, “Well, I guess that’s fine. If he’s gonna kill you, it’s only fair, right?”

He smiled, “Exactly”

Rainbow yawned loudly as they reached Fluttershy’s cottage, “Well, I ought to go back to napping, see you later!”

Kal stopped her, “Wait! I, er, need your help again”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, “What is it now?”

Kal seemed like he was really embarrassed, “Well, Fluttershy won’t talk to me, and I need SOMEPONY to help me, this is a really delicate conversation”

She giggled a little, much to his dismay, “Alright, I’ll tell her the situation”

He shook his head, “I just need you to get her out here, I’ll handle the rest”

Before he could stop her, Rainbow was already trotting towards the house, “Fluttershy probably won’t warm up to you for a few weeks, ESPECIALLY after this. I don’t think I could get her outside so that she could talk to a trained killer. She needs one of her close friends to handle this delicately with her. Now go before she sees you”

He sighed and walked away. Rainbow is a nice filly; maybe we just got off on the wrong hoof. I’ll have to thank her for this later. He headed back towards town; he was going to have to go back to Pinkie Pie to ask her to throw that alcoholic party.

(Sugarcube corner)

When he got to sugarcube corner, he decided he would get some lunch. He asked Pinkie if she wanted to join him and she happily said yes. They ate at sugarcube corner before Kal decided to bring it up to Pinkie.

Kal knew how to deal with her by now, so he made his eyes go extremely wide and he jumped up and down in mock excitement, “Oh, oh, oh, Pinkie! Pinkie! Could you do me a huuuge super duper favor pretty pleeeaaase?”

Pinkie gasped dramatically, “What, what, what!?”

Kal smiled happily, “Can you pleeeaaase throw an alcoholic party tomorrow night! I invited these girls to a party and that would be reeeaaally cool!”

Pinkie almost hit her head on the ceiling from jumping so high out of her seat, “Sure! Alcohol? We’ll serve alcohol! We’ll serve all kinds! Just make sure no kids come, okay!?”

Kal smiled widely, showing his teeth, “Of COURSE I won’t Pinkie! I just wanna get to know Lyra and Bon-Bon better!”

She giggled, “Alrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalright, let’s get to planning this PARTY!”

After she zoomed up into her room, Kal sighed. Wow, Kal, manipulating your friends, that’s a new low. Kal’s eyes went wide when he smacked himself harshly with his hoof. She is NOT my friend; I need her for the mission! His other hoof got him right on the snout this time. Oh shut up! You know as well as I do that these ponies have showed you more hospitality than anypony else you’ve ever met. He scowled harshly at himself. What about Luna? She raised me! Kal rolled his eyes angrily. She doesn’t count, she-

Mrs. Cake was watching him smack himself from behind the counter, “Er, are you alright there, dear?”

Broken out of his trance, Kal blinked and stared at her for a few moments, before finally responding, “Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, I’m just talking to myself”

He smiled sheepishly and blushed before averting her gaze and trotting off after Pinkie. Now you’re turning into a schizophrenic AND a friend manipulating dick! Nice going, Kal. Real smooth. Kal didn’t bother answering himself that time, partially because he wanted to avoid confrontation, and partially because he knew he was right.

(Twilight’s library)

After Kal was done planning the party with Pinkie, he decided to go home. It had taken them hours to plan everything, because Pinkie INSISTED that everything be taken into account. He didn’t enjoy it, but he felt like he owed it to her after what he did to her. He had gotten free dinner out of it, at least, Mrs. Cake had brought them both some hayburgers to munch on while they planned.

When he arrived at the library, it was pretty late, so he decided to gear up for the assassination. He saw the look on Twilight and Spike’s faces as he walked past. He couldn’t help himself from stopping and trying to explain it better.

He sighed, “Twilight, I-”

Twilight cut him off, “I know, Kal. You’re a better pony than anypony I’ve ever met. You’re willing to do the job that nopony else wants to do, and you do it well. Don’t feel guilty about this, you’re a national hero behind the scenes”

He was astounded at Twilight’s view on the issue, “Thanks”

Spike spoke up to him, “I’m sorry about this morning, I was just surprised, that’s all”

Kal chuckled and looked at Shining, who nodded. Kal sighed and walked over to find his stuff. He already had a plan of attack; he had a special chemical that would make it look like the victim was having a heart attack. Just in case, though, he had a plan B. He had his butterfly knife if things got hairy.

“Shiny, I need a cleanup crew to be ready, just in case things don’t go as planned” he said in a commanding tone.

Shining nodded and walked out the door, the royal guard had a special base of operations in Ponyville, it was just hidden. Kal suited up and was about to go on his way when a voice stopped him.

He turned around to see Twilight smiling warmly in an attempt to reassure him, “Good luck, Kal”

He grinned, “You don’t need luck when you got guns like THESE!”

He flexed his front legs and Twilight giggled. He chuckled a little before exiting the room.

(The chief’s house)

Kal jumped from roof to roof, clad in a dark black combat suit and a balaclava. He jumped quickly and quietly, and he was nearly impossible to see. Eventually, he got to the chief’s roof and searched all around for an open window. He didn’t see any, so he decided that he would just have to pick the lock.

He leapt down to the ground silently, which was near impossible with noisy hooves. He took out a lock pick and easily opened the back door. He tiptoed his way through the house, up to the chief’s room where he found him sleeping. He slowly moved over, inch by inch, not wanting to wake him.

He readied the vile of the chemical and was about to go in for the kill, when he saw the chief’s dog, which was about to wake up. Frantically, he pulled out his rag of chloroform and put it over the dog’s snout right before he was about to bark. Unfortunately, the loud ‘thump’ noise from the large dog falling over woke up the chief. The chief rolled over to the other side of the bed and took out a knife he had hidden under it. Kal flicked his knife open and smirked evilly.

The chief narrowed his eyes, “I should’ve known you’d come…ASSASSIN”

Kal rolled his eyes, “I should’ve known you’d be corrupt. Power is an evil thing that can make good ponies do bad things. Unfortunately for you, though, doing bad things is my job”

The chief lunged at Kal, who dodged and slashed the chief’s stomach. The chief howled in pain, but continued fighting. Kal dodged his attacks and countered with gruesome stabs. The chief was bigger than he was, and could therefore take more hits than him. Kal realized he needed to end this fast, or the neighbors would come by. He stabbed the chief in the heart once, then in the throat twice. The chief stumbled over and collapsed next to his bed, blood gushing from every slash and stab Kal had made. He sighed and looked at the mess he had made, blood was EVERYWHERE. Some of it even spilled onto the sleeping dog. Kal decided that it would be best if he got out of there as quickly as possible. He left out of the back door and snuck away, as some of his neighbors who had heard the ruckus were knocking on the door to see what had happened.

(Twilight’s library)

When he got back, he saw Shining waiting patiently for his friend to return, “How’d it go, Kal?”

Kal frowned, “I had to use my knife, the dumb dog woke him up, and now all of his neighbors know what happened”

Shining sighed, “Should I send cleanup out there, then?”

“No,” Kal seemed to be expecting that question, “that will make it look suspicious. We’ll just have to make it look like there was some murderer who killed him, or maybe that it was the crime family”

Twilight walked down the stairs and saw that Kal had blood all over his suit, “Uh, Kal? Maybe you should wash all that off before you do anything else”

He looked down and smiled sheepishly, not realizing that his suit had splashes of dark crimson all over it, “Er, right, I’ll go do that”

Shining and Twilight rolled their eyes as they went off to bed. Kal carefully took off his combat suit and hoof-scrubbed every last trace of blood from them. The suit covered practically his entire body, so none of it had spilled onto his coat.

He was tired after everything he had done today, and decided it was time for a nice, long sleep. He had a pretty good dream involving a mountain of hay bacon and a sea of vodka.