Ever wonder if that Mayan Calendar prediction actually came true? What the world be like if everyone panic? Then come and read the following tale of a human that this happens to.
The human will be given a choice to go anywhere. He decides to go to the one place where it is peaceful and know nothing of war, Equestria. He will go through hard points and other things as they are thrown at him.
This is my first story so please post comments and suggestions and I will update when necessary.
Chapters (56)
hey swift blaze can you post the old chapters as a different story? I quite enjoyed them.
5624696 , Sorry, I asked the mods before doing this. Seeing it is a rewrite, I can only have this story listed once. If you want, I can PM you a link to the Google drive of where the original story will be kept.
5624803 sure thank you very much. though I don't understand the pming thing very much since I've never used it before
As you do these will you be updating the story as in new chapters? Just realized that the story disappeared XD so glad I did a binge read through.
5625460 , first the rewrites, then the new. Can't post chapter 53 until the other 52 are back up.
so this is where you have been right revising your whole story. Or was it something else?
5625553 , all the early chapters were straight Gary Stu style. 1st person, too powerful from the start, and having no flaws. Just look at the prologue. First, MC didn't care about other in the crisis. Second, just stays home and nothing happens, boring. Lastly, my style has improved since the beginning. So I wanted to correct this, the structure, and POV to 3rd person.
5625581 I see what you are saying, do you got the revised story already thought up and ready to be written down and posted?
5625584, it will still follow the original version. Most of the changes will be in the beginning by switching to 3rd person and getting rid of the Gary Stu feel. But still a good idea to read all the chapters as I post them, might be putting something new in there that wasn't in the original.
5625596 okay thanks for the info.
crap i forgot to download the old version! T^T
mmmm not bad, but I prefer the first one
Nothing but white? Check.
Disembodied voice that turns out to belong to resident deity? Check.
Said voice utilizing several ironic aspects and cliché lines? Check.
Houston, we are go for launch!
I can't believe you nixed the original chapters and obliterated the original sizeable view count in the process, it's just so jarring to look at.
5632713 , I still have the original in my google drive. I just couldn't have another listing of the same story here. The Mods denied my request. If you would like a link to the folder of the original, I will PM it to you.
5632734 You could always set it as a new story, with a different title
E.G
balance of mind and body[before redo]
still, the chapters should be going out rather fast, and have a nice time writing.
0_0
i see dead people
5633591 From a moderator:
I can't do that because it is not "New New". It is a Re New"
5633688 well...
how about posting a link to the full one in FAN fiction.
(i love finding loopholes c: )
5633913 , I'm redoing it there also. Took down the original and posting the rewritten version.
5633924 bolloks.
well...
i'm out of ideas.
placing link to the google drive one?
5636929
here, find a loophole in this: 0
*cries as I add more words to my tracking list*
I was kinda half expecting him to be sent off with no memories of any of the three shows. Part of what made the last version gary stuish was the fact that all his abilities were straight rips from the source material (including his learning speed.)
5643199 , I am cutting the Gary Stu thing back quite a bit, but still keeping to the main story line of the original. None of that, instant knowledge of how to do abilities that are high level skill. Chapter 3 will be here soon.
Just a thing to keep in mind for later stories (or just in general/later philosophical wanderings); the word 'everypony', when closely examined, is actually quite speciesist (would be rude to say 'racist'). Whether or not this shows their society as ethnocentric, or as a way of unity of their own species is up for speculation.
5643249 i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/293/590/6f6.gif
Keep goin with this rewrite! Looks much better now.
Inb4 he's not a pony
an odd request, something I would have, nice.
I say, this is amusing.
My erm, abilities and form would be different.
Heh, I have a prediction on which pony type he will be.
This story is great! Your writing is good, although there are a few mistakes here and there. Spotted some missing words and grammar errors on they way but nothing serious.
You probably should improve a bit on your dialogue, sometimes it is a bit... off? It is probably in the uncanny valley of dialogues, good enough that we spot every mistake.
Keep going! (Oh, and you should probably elaborate on Swift Blaze's powers more; I haven't seen the other two shows you mentioned much and got no clue what it is all about. Still like it, though)
Not bad but the dialogue feels.... stiff to me it just doesn't seem to flow naturally. As well he feels a bit like a gary stu in the sense of everyone liking him immediately and Twilight getting impressed at the smallest things for example
This is just out of the blue and seems incredibly pointless especially considering this trait that he mentions, i would assume most beings of higher intelligence (gryphons, ponies, buffalo, humans, etc.) would be able to do this.
Now the story isn't bad at all don't get me wrong it's just this is throwing me off and making me lose interest in the story. It may just be me who thinks this but i would hazard a guess as to say it's not just me who feels this way.
Sorry but...No, it's waaayyyy more rushed then the first version and I can't make myself good with that so can you give me a link to the original version on Google doc please?
so two things in here that you did that I had thought you were trying to avoid when you went in for a rewrite.
The first is that bob suddenly has powers thanks to 3 paragraphs of exposition. It's fine to have him be a fast learner, it's fine to have him be the superman type, but there has to be a reason for it. If the story isn't about how he grows stronger, then you really have to drive home other concepts of character growth. If Bob isn't even the focus of the story, he's just a sort of catalyst for various events, then drive that point home by growing your other characters.
The second thing is that bob having knowledge of equestria is destroying opportunity after opportunity for character growth. Instead of getting to know the ponies he just impresses them with what they think is raw intelligence and talent, but is really just a farce; a complete fabrication used to mislead them.
What I see here is once again a guy with all the answers and no struggle. He instantly becomes accepted because he knows what to do in every situation. The majority of his relationships are built upon lies and deception for the sake of personal gain, and that sort of a thing never ends well.
If these are the themes you intended your story to have up to this point, then by all means continue. This is still a story with merit and one which I enjoyed reading. But if these are the themes you were trying to avoid in restarting, then you may want to take a look at your work and give it an honest thought as to what precisely lead to such developments.
5681353 5682875 The main issue is the choice of the words to be used versus the wording choice.
For example:
Could be: Angel looked (up) at [him / Blaze] [for a bit / for a few seconds][, then hopped / , then he hopped] onto the bed and pulled it back.
The (x) shows optional extras, and the [first door / second door / third and sometimes fourth, fifth, etc. door] shows a list of some choices that could be made.
Could be: The Earth pony gently placed [Fluttershy / her] [in / on] the bed. The bunny pulled [it / the sheet] over her, then [flopped down and fell asleep beside her. / laid down next to her and fell asleep. / laid down next to her and went to sleep.]
Be careful when you switch between first and third person viewpoints, as the sudden change could be jarring to the reader.
Also:
Unless you want the character to explain like he did in order to be more convincing of "I'm not from around here, and don't know you", use "tangential thinking" or "scatterbrained" instead. It would help with the sentence flow, as intelligent individuals have the capacity to comprehend the exact instance a boisterous vernacular would be much appreciated, and when just talking normally is a whole lot better. There's also the fact that that period makes what Twilight is saying sound like sarcasm, which is ironic because being scatterbrained isn't very impressive, unless you have Pinkie-Troll-level tangents dancing about. Excitement deserves an exclamation! And a point! Actually, now that I thought about it, the word you're looking for might be "multitasking".
Stupid food metaphor! Getting me hungry when I need to sleep!
Adding in contractions will also improve the story's dialogue flow a lot. The easiest comparison would be eating a hot dog on a bun, but without any condiments. It's definitely palatable, but just not the same when that extra flavor is missing. Aaaaaaand now I'm hungry.
Heh, that last line was PERFECT. Now, my only problem is that you don't use words like, "Don't", "Couldn't", etc... But I certainly like every other aspect of this story, especially the humor. And thank you again for rebooting this wonderful story! This was the first fanfic I've ever read and it was absolutely the best! Great job!
You type barriers of harmony instead of bearers.
I'll make you eat those words!
Sonic Rainboom versus Z-Warrior Hypersonic Flight. Beautiful. And now, for Ponyville to witness Blaze in all his human glory!
Aye. I jus' hope tha' Lyra an' Colgate don't make too much fussin' o'er th' lad.
good job keep it up
Those poor, dumb guards!
Definitely
5856963 , corrected. Thank you.
Um, harmony is a mix of order and chaos; the show likes to confuse harmony with order, in that respect.
I LOVE THIS STORY IT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
been a while good job keep it up
Flight = Wind. Agililty + Speed = Water. Strength = Earth. Energy Blast = Fire + Lightning.
If'n we're thinkin' this through in th' righ' way, then that's how th' el'mental alignment plays out. O' course, tha' be jus' spec'latin'.
In any case, it's good to see more of this story again.
6021058 , Ahh, close enough. Not going to get into the nic picky details, but yea. Next chapter revision is in progress.
PINKIE! Put that ink well down.
But I wanna put something funny at that scene.
No, you can't. Well, maybe. Tell me what it is and I'll deside
*whisper whisper*
OH HELL NO! You got that from Deadpool, didn't ya.
Yes in dee dee!
I don't care he breaks the forth wall as much as you do. He is a bad influence. Now I need to burn that thought out my head.
Want me to get the matches?
NO!
6221327 , Thank you for the comments. I'm getting close to finishing the next chapter for my proof reader and editor to go through it. As for the plush, I know several plush makers on DeviantArt and found one that had one made and was for sale. Glad you like it.