//------------------------------// // He sells rugs // Story: The socially awkward assassin // by wariyoshi //------------------------------// (Twilight’s library) “Suit ironed, mane combed, shower taken…” Kal went through the checklist of things he needed to do for the party. Twilight giggled at his lack of party experience before walking into the bathroom. Kal took this opportunity to talk to Shining alone. He smiled, “She’s probably going to get drunk, I doubt she’ll do well with alcohol” Shining chuckled, “I know, I know, I’ll take her home. But you’ll probably have to take Bon-Bon home, if she’s 17” Kal nodded, “That’s what I’m planning on. I’ll act like I’m drunk while she’s drunk and I’ll try to get some information out of her” Shining grinned mischievously, “That might not be the only thing you get out of her” Kal was confused as to what his friend was inferring, but he glared at Shining when he knew what he meant, “I plan on staying a virgin after tonight, Shining” Shining laughed loudly as Twilight walked out, excited to be going to a semi-formal Pinkie party for once. Plus she was curious of the appeal of alcohol, due to the fact that she read about how it influenced some cultures. Shining stopped his laughter, “Hey isn’t it time you got to your dates?” Kal frowned, “They’re not my dates…they’re my victims. Or, at least Bon-Bon is, I doubt Lyra knows much” Shining rolled his eyes, “Just get going, Romeo, you don’t wanna be late” (Lyra’s house) After a few minutes he arrived at Lyra’s house, almost exactly at eight. He was two minutes early when he walked up to the door. He heard giggling and girlish talking inside, so he could tell that they were excited to be going. He knocked on the door and heard laughter inside, “C-come in hahaha!” He pushed the door open and saw the two mares rolling on the floor in laughter. They stopped most of their laughing when they saw him. They had done their manes and coats, making them almost shine in light, and they wore fashionable saddles lined with various colors of jewels. He smiled, not wanting their good moment to end, as they might let information slip more liberally, “Do you two need a moment?” They giggled at his charm, “No, no, we’re fine” (On the way to Pinkie’s party) “Do you two drink much alcohol?” He inquired, wanting to start a decent conversation with them before they got there. The two fillies exchanged glances before Bon-Bon spoke, “No, but I have had some from time to time…my dad is kind of an alcoholic, it helps him deal with his job” Kal put on a comforting grin, “Why, what does he do for a living?” “He sells rugs,” Lyra stated bluntly and almost reflexively. “Oh, I see,” Kal wanted to move to a topic that would be more comfortable for them before he approached that delicate topic again, “I never knew my father. My mother raised me in poverty for half of my life” When he heard them “Aaaw” him sadly in unison, he knew he had the conversation in his hooves. Lyra frowned, “I’m so sorry” He waved his hoof nonchalantly, “No, it’s alright, I don’t need sympathy. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, am I right?” Bon-Bon smiled, admiring his fake strength of character, “It can be kind of strange for me with my dad’s job. He always has to go make rug deals all around Equestria, and I have to hang back for my own safety. Apparently Equestria is too dangerous for his little filly” Correction; He always has to go make DRUG deals. “I think you could at least stick up for yourself. You should tell him that you’re a mare and that you want to see Equestria while you’re still young!” The two fillies grinned at his confident attitude; “I guess I never put it to him like that!” (Sugarcube corner) They talked excitedly all the way to sugarcube corner, Kal was excited not just for the amount of intelligence he would gather from this, but the fact that there was an entire party full of ALCOHOL. He had been facing symptoms of withdrawal lately, and he had wanted some decent vodka for the past few days. He smiled at the two who looked in awe at the selection, “Do either of you two fillies need a drink?” They nodded at him contently and giggled a little, “Alright then, I’ll be right back!” He bought five bottles of whiskey in total; he wanted to get them as drunk as possible (Plus he wanted two or three for himself). They got a table and the two had bought some cupcakes from the snack bar. As they held a conversation through the booming music, he could hear that they were getting more and more drunk with each sip. He mimicked them so that they wouldn’t feel out of place, and so that he could get information out of them easier. He tried to discreetly ask them questions, but it was difficult through the booming music. After a while, they wanted to get on the dance floor. He sighed, knowing that he would have to do the same, despite how embarrassing it would be. As he pretended to walk onto the floor drunkenly, he got a headache from being too close to the loud music. He danced awkwardly, feeling uncomfortably out of place the entire time. By this point in the party, however, most other ponies were drunk as well, so he would have actually stood out more by dancing normally. He thought of how he could get Bon-Bon alone, he needed to talk to her without any distractions. He thought of a brilliant idea soon, however. He danced over to Pinkie, whose face was flushed red. “Hey, Pinkie, great party! Can I use your room?” he yelled over DJ-PON3’s music. She nodded and hiccupped in conformation. Through the crowd he got Bon-Bon’s attention and lured her into Pinkie’s room, after shutting the door. Still pretending to be drunk, he asked her about her father, “Ha! Huh-*hic*-hey Bon! Wh-huh-*hic*-What’s yer father duh-*hic*-do again?” She giggled through her hiccups, “My daddy isn’t huh-*hic*-here” Before he could respond, she tackled him onto Pinkie’s bed and kissed him. He was shocked and couldn’t say anything. He looked down and groaned. Fine time to get a boner, Kal. Right when you’ve got a horny mare on you who you need to interrogate. Kal stuttered, knowing that he needed to get her home, he couldn’t interrogate her while she tried to hump him, “L-look Bon-Bon, I’m not into the whole-” She growled seductively and nibbled on his ear, “Yuh-*hic*-You’re mine now” He gently pushed her off, “C’mon, let’s get you home” Disappointed, he led her down the stairs and back into the party. He needed to find Lyra before he went anywhere. Lying in the middle of the dance floor was Lyra. She was sleeping, but nopony seemed to notice as they were all dancing around her. Kal sighed and rolled his eyes as he went to pick her up, “I don’t get paid enough for this. Why did I think this was a good idea?” (Ponyville streets) He led the girls through the dark streets at about one in the morning. He needed to get them home soon so that he could just go to bed. As he walked down the streets, he walked into a back alley as a shortcut, when he noticed three or four shady looking colts, “Que es, esse?” One of them laughed mischievously, “Che, boludo! ” Kal rolled his eyes, “Calléte pendejos, ve ahora” They all laughed evilly as they approached him. Alrighty then, horny gang members. What a winning combination. Without another word, he set Lyra down on the ground where Bon-Bon had tipped over. He bucked the leader right in the snout and proceeded on beating down the rest. He smashed two of their heads together and flipped one onto his back. He head butted the next one and gave him a bloody nose. They hadn’t even gotten a single hit on him by the time he was finished massacring them. Bruised and bloody, they cowardly fled from the alley they were hanging out in after that. He picked Lyra up again and led Bon-Bon out of the alley nonchalantly. In her hazy state of mind, she didn’t seem to understand what had just happened. (Bon-Bon’s house) When Bon-Bon led him to her house (Which was difficult because she had no idea where she was going), he was more than a little annoyed. He didn’t get much information out of her, and here he was, escorting two drunken mares home. One of them was knocked out cold and the other wanted to buck him. He knocked on the door and a tall stallion with angry eyes answered. His glared angrily as he saw a colt with Bon-Bon, “Get in here” Kal wasn’t fully comfortable with the fact that he could see the pistol strapped to the stallion’s front leg, “Oh, no, I’m just here to bring Bon-Bon home” “Now” the colt growled as he puffed out his chest threateningly. Kal sighed and led Bon-Bon in with Lyra on his back when he saw a little over a dozen armed colts stare at him. One of them called into the basement of the house, “’ey boss, Bon-Bon’s home!” He heard running from downstairs and his heart stopped. Am I seriously gonna meet THE boss? Sure enough, the boss himself, Tony Bon emerged hastily and furiously from the door and glared right at him, “You” Kal’s fight or flight reflex was blaring as he set Lyra down on the ground, “M-me, sir?” Tony walked right up to Kal, “What’d you do to my daughter!?” Kal remembered when he went to Griffington, the capital of the Griffin Empire; this was almost exactly the same scenario. Except it was the entire Griffin army. And he was tied up. And he was right above a vat of acid. When he thought about it more, he realized it was nothing like Griffington. Kal stuttered a little, unsure as to what he should say, “N-nothing sir, we were at a party, and-” He was cut off by Tony, “Did you two have sex!?” Kal hadn’t been expecting that question at all, “I swear I- Wait, what?” Tony impatiently repeated, “Sex, did you two have sex, buck face?” Kal blinked, “Er, no sir. These two mares got drunk at the party and I brought them home. I swear I didn’t do anything like that to either of them” Tony glared, “You’d better not have, or else I’ll have you DEAD” Kal was a little overwhelmed by the whole scenario, “I protected our daughter, sir” Tony was about to continue when Kal’s words sunk in, “What did you just say?” Kal didn’t mean to blurt that out, but it was a safety mechanism in his brain; he did the same thing whenever Luna was angry with him, “I led Bon-Bon and Lyra from the party, and there was this back alley. These thugs tried to take them but I stopped them, sir” Tony’s eyes went from angry to curious when he heard Kal’s elaboration, “Why’d you bring them home? I’ve never heard her talk about you…” Kal grinned sheepishly, “I asked them if they wanted to come to a party yesterday, sir. They said yes, so I took them from Lyra’s house at eight” Tony’s eyes narrowed, “I didn’t know she was going to a party…” Kal tried to explain an excuse, “Well, when I heard about you, I assumed it was fine with you that she was going. Would you like me to consult you in the future?” Tony’s eyes were slowly shifting back to angry, “Future?” Kal tried and failed to remain calm, “W-well, I’m friends with her by now I think. We’ll probably, er, hang out in the future sometime” Tony sighed, “Alright, MAKE SURE she’s checked with me whenever you’ll all be doin’ anythin’”-Tony turned to walk away but turned back to him-“An’ if you do anythin’ funny to her in the future…” Tony pointed to his armed guards as Kal nodded, “Yes sir, I won’t be doing anything like that, sir” As he was about to walk away, Kal felt guilty about leaving Bon-Bon there to argue with her father, so he conjured up his best lie to help her out in the inevitable argument between them, “Wait! Uh, sir, if I may, I think it’s apparent you two are gonna argue, but I just thought I’d let you know something. Bon-Bon thinks the world of you, and no matter what she says, just know that in her heart, she truly does love you” Tony opened his mouth to protest, but no words came out. He chuckled and smiled warmly at Kal. “Thanks a lot, kid,” He said as Kal winked at him and walked away. I can’t BELIEVE that worked. I guess even mob bosses like corny stuff. (Twilight’s library, a few minutes later) As he arrived back at the library, he noticed the lights were on, so he knew that Shining was waiting for him. He walked through the door and didn’t see Twilight or Spike anywhere, which meant it was safe to speak freely about things. He didn’t bother to look behind him; he knew Shining was there, “How’d it go? I saw you two went up to Pinkie’s room” Kal rolled his eyes, “Bon-Bon pretty much tried to rape me when I wanted to interrogate her” Shining stifled a laugh so that he wouldn’t wake up Twilight, “Sounds like you had a lovely evening” Kal turned around, grinning, “Indeed I did. I met the boss himself” Shining’s eyes went wide, “What happened!?” “He told me not to buck his daughter,” he stated bluntly, “and basically that if I did, I’d be dead come morning” Shining chuckled, “Fun. I’ll go report this to the royal guard. Now that we know where he is, I think we’re on the fast track” As Shining was about to leave, he added nonchalantly, “Oh, and by the way, I’m leaving for Canterlot tomorrow” Once the words sunk in, Kal turned around to protest, but Shining wasn’t there. He sighed and rolled his eyes. That’s not good. That’s reeeaaally not good. He decided to approach Shining about it in the morning, but for now, he would have a nice long rest. Kal woke up the next day at half past noon. He stumbled into the kitchen to get something to eat, and made himself a nice bowl of fruity pony-bites. As he chewed, he slowly remembered everything that happened last night, finally ending on the memory of Shining saying he was going to leave. Can’t have THAT, now can we? He finished his bowl and went upstairs. He was just going to wake Shining up and tell him that he can’t leave for another six or seven weeks. Kal had made it clear in the past that regardless of anything, Shining was his personal bitch. Shining rolled his eyes whenever Kal said that. When Kal climbed to the top of the steps, his jaw hit the floor. Two suitcases were neatly packed right next to his bed, ready to be taken back to Canterlot. Kal’s eyes went wide as he violently shook Shining, “Shiny, wake up!” Shining woke up, disoriented, “Woah, what, what, what!?” Kal was almost panicking, “Shiny, you can’t leave! Just stay here for a little while longer, I’ll need help with Tony!” Shining frowned and glared at Kal, “You woke me up for that?” Kal rolled his eyes, “This is important, you know! You can’t just abandon me here!” “Can and will” Shining said as he rolled back over to get some sleep. Kal punched Shining as hard as he could, “Get up fatty! This is no time to be lazy!” Shining groaned angrily, “Wow you’re really clingy sometimes, you know that? Look, I was ordered by Celestia to come back to Canterlot. I told you I would spend a FEW days here with you to help you fit in. Now that your mission is kick-started, my job is done, and I can go back to work. So leave me be and let me go back to sleep!” Kal sighed, he knew his friend was right, but he couldn’t believe it, “When is the chariot coming?” “One in the afternoon” came the rather grumpy response. Kal smirked mischievously, “Your chariot will arrive in 15 minutes” When the words sunk into his brain, Shining sat up instantly, “Oh no” (Ponyville, a few minutes later) “Man, you are WEIRD! Why do you have to be early for everything?” Kal teased his friend. Shining replied angrily through a bite of toast, “That’s how the world WORKS, now come on, I need to show you something” Shining led Kal into a back alley and knocked on the door, only to hear a voice from inside speak, “Password” “Royalty first” Shining responded almost reflexively. They heard a click and the door opened, “That’s the password, Kal, don’t forget it” (Royal guard HQ) They walked through the door and found a massive underground room with computers and ponies in suits walking around, “Woah, what is this place, Shiny?” “This is the royal guard’s headquarters in Ponyville,” Shining said as he walked towards a big office. Kal blinked, he hadn’t expected something THIS big to be in a hick town like Ponyville, “Er, and why exactly are we here?” “Tell nopony about this. It’s a secret kept to the grave, and you’re in command of all of this when I leave. You need a cleanup crew, you need reinforcements, you need anything, talk to the pony in this office” Shining responded hastily as he walked through the office door. The pony sitting at the desk looked up and smiled, “Is this him, Armor?” “Yes, this is him. Kal I’d like to introduce you to Hans, you’ll be working with him while you deal with the royal guard here in Ponyville,” Shining said quickly as he started walking towards the door, “I’ll let him fill you in on everything, I have to go, see you later!” Everything was quiet for a moment when the door shut, before Kal finally spoke, “Hans? You don’t look like a foreigner to me” “It’s my cover name”-Hans transformed from a regular pony into a changeling-“I’m the only changeling to ever defect from the Royal guard of Chrysalis” Kal was speechless, but Hans chuckled a bit and changed back, “Changelings don’t have names, they have numbers. We had to give me some sort of name when I joined, so I chose Hans” Kal shrugged, “Well, best of luck to you then…Hans” Hans cleared his throat professionally, “I’ll be helping you for your time here in Ponyville. If you need somepony to help you with reconnaissance, just call me, I can be suited up in no time” Kal sighed, “I miss Shiny already…” Hans frowned, “I assure you I’m just as good as Armor, Mr. Kalibur” Kal rolled his eyes, “First off, I hate it when ponies call me mister or sir. Call me Kal, no need for formalities right now. Second off, Hans? Really? That’s gonna bug me a LOT when we work together. Somepony here needs a new nickname. Third off, it’s not that I doubt your skills, it’s that I’m gonna miss my friend” Hans straightened up, “He may stop in every now and then, who knows?” After a long silence, Kal decided to change the subject, “I need some men to watch two buildings non-stop. One is a safe house of some sort, the one that the chief visited. Did Shiny tell you about that?” Hans nodded, “Yes, he did, he tells me everything that goes on with you two. What’s the second building?” Kal smiled, relieved that he wouldn’t have to tell this pony EVERYTHING that he had done in the past few days, “The second building is the most important; it’s where I met Tony Bon last night” Hans’ jaw dropped to the floor, “You MET him last night?” Kal nodded, “I’m slowly making my way on the inside by befriending his daughter” Hans grinned mischievously, “Oh you devil you” Kal rolled his eyes, “I don’t plan on dating her right now, Changy. As far as I’m concerned we’re friends for now” Hans frowned, “Changy?” “Probably your new nickname” Kal stated bluntly. Hans chuckled, as he was unsure that he would like THAT kind of nickname, “That seems like it’s a little offensive” Kal rolled his eyes, “I’m not exactly the most politically correct pony, Changy” Hans dropped his playful face and put on a businesslike one as he took out a notepad, “Can you write down the addresses then, please?” Kal wrote down the two addresses, “When do you think we’ll be able to get intelligence from these?” Hans shrugged, “A day or two, we’ll try to set up the microphones as soon as possible, but as you know that isn’t easy with armed guards everywhere. I’ll have stakeouts set up all around the perimeter by the end of today, though” Kal nodded, “Well, I’d better be off, I’ll leave you to your work, Changy” (Ponyville park) Kal left the headquarters and headed to the Ponyville park. He didn’t have anything on his agenda today, so he decided to wander around and enjoy the day for once. Of course, whenever he “didn’t have anything on his agenda,” it meant that something was about to force its way onto his schedule. That’s pretty much what happened every time he took a walk. His puttering around was cut short as expected by an angry and hung over Lyra making a beeline to him, “Kal!” Great, another angry pony. At least she’s not making death threats. “I’ll KILL you if you did anything to Bon-Bon!” I stand corrected. “Er, I didn’t do anything sexual, if that’s what you mean” Kal responded, unsure of what to say. “You got us both drunk, then you took us home. How could you NOT have done anything sexual!?” came the angry response. “For your information, Bon-Bon tried to rape ME and I didn’t let her. I also stopped your drunken flanks from getting raped by some foreigners in a gang,” Kal stated bluntly. Lyra tilted her head curiously, “You say you…protected us?” Kal rolled his eyes, “I was carrying you and Bon-Bon back to Bon-Bon’s house, I went through a back alley, these guys tried to rape you both, I beat the tar out of them” Lyra’s eyes narrowed, “Maybe Bon-Bon was right…” Kal sighed, “What was Bon-Bon right about?” Lyra avoided eye contact with the colt opposite her, “She said she remembers you beating some ponies up” The two didn’t talk for a few moments before Lyra spoke again, “I’m sorry for accusing you. It just seemed suspicious, that’s all” Kal chuckled, “Yeah, I know. It also seems suspicious that her father threatened me with death and pointed to a few angry ponies with guns in the room” Lyra cringed, “He just pays for body guards, that’s all” Kal held back a laugh and decided to change the subject, “Where’s Bon-Bon? I don’t think I saw her today” Lyra giggled, “She got grounded for not telling her dad about the party” “Ouch, did they argue much?” Kal asked, legitimately curious of if what he said to her father helped. “Yeah, but it wasn’t TOO bad. Sometimes it gets really awful when they argue” came the casual response. Lyra seemed to be avoiding this question, but it slipped out eventually, “How bad were we at holding our alcohol?” Kal chuckled, “You two shared a bottle and you were out like a light” She blushed, “I just turned 18, so it’s not my fault!” “Do you wanna go hang out or something? I’m kind of bored” And I wanna get closer to you two. Lyra frowned, “No, I’m swinging by Bon-Bon’s to see if I can vouch for her, I wanna go see a movie with her” Kal was really interested now, “I can help! Her dad didn’t seem to like me, but he’ll at least listen to me!” Lyra rolled her eyes and started walking away, “I don’t think so, Romeo. You’re lucky her dad didn’t just punch you on the spot” Kal called after her, “But he didn’t! That’s all that matters, right?” Bollocks, I let that one get away. Oh well, there’ll be plenty more opportunities; I think I’m good with Bon-Bon for now. Besides, I think I creeped her out a little bit there. Kal heard a voice behind him, “Hey, Kal!” Rainbow Dash zoomed up next to him, “You owe me a favor!” “Huh? Oh, right,” Kal said as he remembered the events from before, “what do you want me to do, then?” She smiled, happy to see that he wasn’t going to argue about it, “I need help with weather patrol, Johnson’s sick today, so I thought why not invite you!” Kal frowned, “I don’t see how this is an invitation” “Well, you volunteered!” she said rather defensively. Kal rolled his eyes, “I’m being voluntold. Anyways, I’m not doing anything else today, so sure, let’s do it” She perked back up, “Great! We’re planning a storm today, and we need help moving the clouds!” (Above Ponyville) “Alright, now everypony line up!” Rainbow said clutching a clipboard in a militaristic manner. All the ponies lined up almost perfectly, flying at attention. Kal was familiar with this; this is what they did in basic training for the pegasi. They did this sort of thing when they were training in flying, except when you did that, you all had to flap your wings in unison. Rainbow called out the last names of the pegasi, who called back “here” if they were there. Rainbow finally ended on Kal who yelled impressively loud. He didn’t think much of it, that’s what pegasi had to do in basic training, but he got a lot of confused looks from it. “Alright! Now everypony knows their partners, right?” Rainbow called out to the line. “Yes ma’am!” came the response from all but two. “Oh, um, um,”-Derpy waved her hoof childishly-“My partner’s absent ma’am!” Rainbow sighed, “Yes, Derpy, I got you a replacement, you’ll be working with Kal today” Kal couldn’t help but facehoof in line, “You have GOT to be kidding me” Everypony stared at him in line for a few moments before Rainbow answered him, “Er, don’t worry, Kal, Derpy’s not SO bad. If I see anything wrong, I’ll tell you” Rainbow cleared her throat to speak again, “Alright! Speaking of which, you two should pick up some heavy storm clouds and head over to Twilight’s, she needs more rain so that her tree will get enough water to keep living. Understood?” “Yes ma’am!” Kal responded sharply. The two headed for the weather factory as Derpy tried conversation, “Hi! I remember you from the party!” Kal sighed, “Er, yes, Derpy, I remember you too” She giggled, “I remembered I was thinking, why are cupcakes called cupcakes? They’re not really in cups; they’re in those paper thingies!” Kal couldn’t help but chuckle a little at that, “I think it’s because those paper thingies ARE the cups” Her derped out eyes widened as her primitive mind raced, “Ooh! That makes some sense! Usually ponies don’t like it so much when I say things like that, but I just can’t help it!” Kal grinned at the silly mare as they both took rain clouds, “Some ponies are just mean, Derpy. But I think part of it is most ponies don’t like muffins as much as you do, and you freak them out” Derpy frowned as static from the rain cloud shocked her, “But I like muffins!” “I gathered that,” Kal had painful memories of her making him the spotlight of the party, “but if you keep telling ponies, they won’t like you as much. Just don’t talk about muffins a lot, ponies might like you more” Derpy smiled widely and shocked herself again, but she didn’t care because she liked this colt. He talks more betterer than before! They moved along as Derpy joyfully hummed to herself. She had made a new friend today! Kal wasn’t as annoyed as he thought he would be with her. I guess she isn’t SO bad if you just humor her. Kal carefully placed the large storm cloud right over the center of Twilight’s house. Derpy was in her own little world and didn’t notice that she was bouncing up and down on the cloud, causing it to shock her comically. Kal rolled his eyes as he took her to go get more. When they were flying back to the cloud depot, Kal spotted something that he thought was more than a little fishy. Several large stallions with bulges in their jackets were in a circle around another pony, who was wearing a dark black hood. They were heading into the building where Shining and Kal had seen the chief speaking about Kal. He saw a glimpse of the face of the pony in the center, but from his altitude, he couldn’t see any unique facial characteristics. The only thing he saw was that the pony had a yellow coat, the same color coat that Tony Bon had. He gasped and flew as fast as his wings could take him to the HQ. Just when I thought my day was going to be somewhat NORMAL for once. Then again, it’s not every day you take command of a massive underground military headquarters.