After many days, weeks, and months of surviving the zombie apocalypse, everything to me is the same. Wake up, go out to scavenge things to stay alive, all in all it's a kill or be killed situation. After making a quickly thought up plan, I, John, plan to find somewhere new to lay out for a while. Though after losing where I left my truck, and being unable to find a way back to the town I had recently visited, I get completely lost in this forest. Even though I was looking for a new place to stay, what I found was nothing that I'd imagined it to be.
Chapters (26)
Darkson? "Son of the dark"? Really?
You do know that black actually tends to stand out in shadows as being too dark, right? Dark blue and dark green tend to be more effective for night-time camouflage.
The word you want is "holster". Or since it's a knife, just "sheathe" will do.
Paragraph after paragraph of what a skilled survivor and incredible combatant your protagonist is... how is this any different from any other badass Human in Equestria story?
Elric is right, learn real survival tips and words before trying to look badass with this unoriginal sludge.
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It's 20% more badass.
~Twi
Overall, this story isn't horrible. I've seen worse in my days, but nonetheless. The story is uninteresting and unoriginal. It seems as though you're trying to be like everyone else on this site but 20% boring-er. Also, you have many mistakes in your writing, but somebody got to that before I did. Anyhoo, try to be more original and make sure you check your facts.
Carry on my wayward son,
TH3 BL1ND PR0PH3T
Yep. This one's a keeper.
I feel as though the protagonist is to perfect and well, just annoying with her attuide. But I'll keep an eye on this story.
I feel as though the protagonist is to perfect and well, just annoying with her attuide. But I'll keep an eye on this story.
I'm not trying to be mean here, but the pacing could use some work. And, Johnny needs a backstory of some sort. To explain why he doesn't trust other survivors, why he works alone, or why he'll kill other survivors instead of leaving them alone. And you don't exactly go in depth in the apocalypse, it makes it feel as if it was just thrown in the there for the hell of it to try and make your character a, Gary Sue. That's another thing, Johnny here is a bit too perfect. Yea I would suspect living in the apocalypse would hone your skills, but that wouldn't explain why, Johnny is a badass in everything. I would like to see some weakness's, like maybe he isn't perfect in fighting or maybe he isn't the best at aiming. Like maybe with the last chapter with the last guy, Johnny could've thrown the knife, and barley misses him. The other guy would try pull the gun to him, Johnny would run to him grab the gun and throw it to the side. Then he would try to stab him, but the other man would have grabbed the hand, holding the knife, and punched, Johnny's face. Making him drop the knife, and then they're left with their fists. A couple of paragraphs about fighting later, Johnny realizes that he won't win in that type of situation and he will try to reach for the gun, or knife your choice, and then kill the man. And would explain to the readers why, Johnny prefers stealth instead of going in guns blazing. Also, Johnny goes to Equestria a bit fast, it would be beneficial to show the readers what, Johnny had to do every single day to be alive. But other than that this story has potential to be great, marvelous in fact. IF HANDELED CORRECTLY. If you read this I would like to thank you, and I would appreciate it if you told me this helped you.
Until then cheers
I've gotta say, I thank you all for your support, both ways. It helps me out a lot. I can see what a lot of you see and I'm thinking of maybe deleting these chapters and retrying it. If that doesn't work, I'll probably cancel it. But thank you for reading my story!
Hey guys, I think I've thought of a better way to write this story but I need a little bit of help. Any names I could use? Perhaps for the main character?
holy mother of edge
I think I'll just stick with John. If any of you have other names I could use before I re-upload the new chapters that'd be great, thanks.
Did anyone see the assassins creed symbol on his jacket in the picture?
What ever you do, don't listen to anyone who puts their name after their comments. These guys have egos the size of elephant cocks.
The truth is that they have a central hive mind that boosts their ego per-new addition to the central mind. So if you see these chode gobblers anywhere, be sure to contact the proper authorities.
I'm still working on finding out who that would be, but rest assured that these Friends of Satan will be dealt with accordingly.
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There are lots of different angles you can take. Where is he from? If he's American, where are his ancestors from? What kind of ancestry do you have? Do you want a solid Anglo-Saxon name, or something more memorable of, say, a Polish background?
Or maybe you just want to take a classic movie full of badasses like The Great Escape and pull a character or actor name from that. If your protagonist is named "John Darkson", people are going to point and laugh. But if he's named "John McQueen", anybody who knows who Steve McQueen was is going to think twice before crossing him. (If you haven't seen it, the character of Hendley in that movie is particularly resourceful.)
Ok, so I've thought of how to continue this without restarting the whole thing. I'm going to upload the next chapter soon, and hopefully it will help you process this story better. So stay tuned!
Honestly, you might want to consider going back and fixing the problems with your story before pushing it further.
This might be a long post, but I am trying to help. I'll point out problems as I go.
Chapter 1:
-Weapons and things for surviving in the forest? Detail things a bit.
-Someone surviving on their own in a hostile environment is statistically near impossible. One person can't carry enough, stay awake long enough, see enough, etc. Great case and point would be the Bosnian conflict back in the 90's. There are lots of first hand reports, and a huge part of them was that people on their own were the first to die.
-Throwing knives are fairly well useless unless your guy is obscenely strong. Yes, you could slow someone down, but dropping them is not probable. The bow is the better weapon.
-Killing the first walker wouldn't work like that. Again, your guy would have to be well above average in strength. There are really only two areas that are thin enough to stab through in the human skull. One requires a small, thin knife and the other a lot of force.
-dragging a limp body is a lot harder than it sounds. So is catching it before hitting the ground.
-Your guy doesn't even get excited or scared huh. Even sociopaths do that, and they are largely devoid of human emotions.
-In a world were knowing how to use a gun is the difference between life and death, odds are they would learn how to use them very quickly.
-Why would they blast the door in?
-Killing an unknown just makes your guy an asshole. Not to mention the previous "it is a lot harder to kill someone than that" comment.
-Apparently your OC is superhuman is strength and speed. On average, it takes less than a second to identify a target and to start movement to shoot. Ramming a knife though someone's forehead won't happen either. Thickest part of the skull.
-Not to mention all this senseless killing makes your guy seem like a complete psychopath.
-Again, senseless impossible kill but with a throwing knife this time.
Even if you could penetrate the skull like that, getting the knives out undamaged would be the hard part. Suction in wounds is a hell of a thing, not to mention the blade getting stuck/chipped by bone.
This is just chapter ONE. You turned your OC into Ninja Stu that defies the laws of physics and biology dude. Honestly, really think about fixing the story before going forward.
Some real sciency shit goin on in these comments.
Oh well, if they can do it on TV you can do it in a fan fic.
4819186 Awww, man... But I Loved the Story!!! He finally gets away from the Shit he's been through in the Zombie Apocalypse
I HATE the stare! It's stupid deux ex machina bullshit that didn't make sense when I first saw it and still doesn't make sense now! A disappointed look and some motherly scolding might work in the land of unicorn farts and kitten giggles, but when you've seen things that could be classified under "High-octane Nightmare Fuel", it just doesn't work.
Right, rant's over. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
You pussy humans should not be affected qere born chaotic
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Can you please translate?
Sorry phone sucks . I meant to its a bit dumb how he can become unconious from a stare i mean with the fighting he should feel his adrenline rush fighting the gaurds so the starr should not work. He had the killer instinct and loses just like that. Lost to magic or physical attack ok but a stare. Its a good story but its just losong concious thats gets me. If he got stunnef but still up would be bettwr.
4881746 Sorry for the lack of description, but the stare kept John from hurting anyone else, as Twilight did the knock-out spell on him again. But yeah, I get what you're saying.
MORE PLZ
Awesome chapters you are doing a amazing job i can't wait to see the next chapter
YAY!!! I love this, It's great!
I think about pineapples. :D... I hate pineapples.
this story's pretty good keep up the great work ^_^
dat cliffhanger doh
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2edgy4me
Noice!
idiot should went for truck.
Noice. Mustache for you, my friend.
This is really good! It's not my favorite, but REALLY close!
5535736 Edgy? Nu, just 5p00ky. 2spooky4me.
Alright everypony, here's the dealio:
It's obvious to everyone that I can't be consistent with release dates with my chapters. And out of the two stories I'm currently doing; Thief and Family & Friends, F&F is going to take more time and thinking. Thief, however, is already 13 chapters into the book. So I'm sorry for this downside for some of you, but I'm putting F&F off to the side until I finish and publish Thief. I feel things will get done faster if I focus on one book at a time, instead of two.
Again, sorry if this is an inconvenience for some of you, but I have made up my mind. I hope you all understand. So, until further notice, F&F will be put into hiatus until Thief is published.
the more to join the the scouting party the harder they make his life.
for some reason when she said determination like that, my mind immediately jumped to in UNDERTALE when you do the genocide run and the save points just say "determination"
wow, this story started out pretty meh, but it really kicked into gear in the latter half
4773755 Does it bother you that the author hasn't responded to your comment?
Will Twilight and/or Fluttershy be badass in this story?
7027523 I suppose you'll find out.
well that was quick. 3 chapters in 2 days
7030995 I'm on vacation right now, and although that usually means that I wouldn't be writing, it's quite the opposite. I've had so much spare time without distractions it's really all I have been doing.
7031016 noice
7027542 tell me!