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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I called it! I new they were going to do that kiss dare sooner or later ;D although didn't expect Applejack getting all feely for Drak that fast...
Way too rushed and Drak gives off the Gary Stu-feeling. He might have that phobia, but he is coping too well. He is in a new place, with no memories of himself, and he doesn't freak out more than that?
Sorry, but i can only give dislike to this
This is rushed no question about it....i will keep reading in hopes it will be fixed
A bit rushed...
Well.....That escalated pretty fucking quickly.....
So, the guy is self conscious, and now he's making out with TWO ponies in front of four others? Wuh?
So... Drak shows up in Equestria with his Bo staff and Sais (for some reason my brain immediately went Ninja Turtles at this, my next immediate thought was Napoleon Dynamite "I'm pretty good with a bo staff.") and rescues the Great and Powerful Trixie. He is suffering from amnesia, and fights a manticore in the Everfree forest to save a pony.
This is probably the most cliche beginning to a HiE you could have gone with. Despite this, it's not a bad beginning. The main character handles himself well, the scenes are descriptive and there is just subtle nuance to the descriptions that, despite some of the groan worthy cliches being thrown around, made me stick around. Then he passes out (another cliche) but this kinda redeems itself in that there isn't... exactly a scene change, the scene just continues on from another perspective. Fluttershy is introduced, this is cute, then the rest of the Mane 6, starting with a Pinkie attack.
Honestly, it's all going good up to this point. Even the party and his panic attack are interesting, he obviously has a phobia, this is not a rational fear, or response, so this all very believable. Often writers misunderstand phobias and just how debilitating they are. It CAN take a perfectly rational, scarily competent individual and reduce them to a completely ineffectual lump, I've seen it happen. It is NOT a rational fear, you can't really "trick" it, or get over it, it is completely debilitating, like a seizure. There was even a sweet scene in there where Applejack lent him her hat to help him get over his anxiety, which was a nice touch.
The part where it all starts to break down is with the spin the bottle thing. Bear in mind that our protagonist has only been in Equestria for a DAY. Not even that. He has been interacting with the mane six for literally hours. Not days, not weeks, hours. In the space of hours, he has the most shy pony in the group soul-kissing him, and is being pursued by the most sensible, stubborn, and levelheaded of the group. This was so abrupt, and so ridiculous that it completely shattered my immersion, which is sad, because you were doing really WELL up to that point.
Previous commenters have it pretty much right. You ARE rushing this story to some conclusion. Too fast. Romances are about build up, dude. Done correctly, they take TIME. The comments about this character being a Gary Stu aren't too far off either. One of the aspects of the Mary Sue/Gary Stu trope is that the main character comes across as being too well received, he or she goes from complete stranger to bestest buds/potential lover in a scene or two. The problem here is, while your attempts at making these romances work are obviously your building blocks for later dramatic tension, your rushing through their introduction breaks the readers immersion, and you are rushing so fast that two of the mane six, Applejack and Fluttershy, are acting completely out of character in order to fit the mold you have set for them.
This is unfortunately the point where I stopped reading, because at this point, my immersion in the narrative was shot, and I just didn't see that immersion coming back. From the comments, I gather that I was not the only one. My suggestion to you is to rewrite this scene entirely. Plant the seeds for future potential romances here, without bludgeoning the readers with your intentions like an enthusiastic barbarian with a love baseball bat.
As it stands right now, what I see here is a lot of potential which is, regrettably, overshadowed by a great deal of wish fulfillment, impatience, and to a certain degree, lazy writing. You are in such a hurry to get to the finish line that you've skipped the race entirely.
Fuck every body that said it was rushed I motherfucking found a good herd story...yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
A bit slow, but very descriptive, good work!
The relationship was WAY rushed, I mean Drak has known AJ and Fluttershy for what a day?
agree, a little too fast, what is next, make the whole main six in to to the herd. (actually that be intersting)
4009347 crazier shit has happened
4017633 i'm interred
...aaaand covered in mares. i'm so jelly now!
3810719
^^^THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE^^^
Fabulous breakdown and description of the whole deal, I commend you DustTraveller.
Though I WILL continue to read the story beyond this point. He was right, MUCH too rushed. It was like: "Alright men, lets bulldoze and steam roll this section of forest so we can get to laying the pavement already.(Without even harvesting the resources the section of forest had to offer first) "
Personally I only like the mono relationships. The herd idea is kinda disturbing
well......that escalated quickly
3931921 a lota s'es
I must say that despite the speed things are happening in I don't think it feels rushed. It's probably because the story isn't the kind that goes "this happens and then this happens and then this", it's more connected than that.
Well... that escalated quickly.
4593837
it has only been about half a day and he already has two marefriends. this bitch is quicker than nesquik.
fuck no time to develop a relationshit just ohh i love you even tho i dont know you this is jus gonna be a shamless clop fic i can already tell
That escalated really quickly. Should've happened in a few chapters instead of almost right at the beginning.
And so the Harem begins
derpicdn.net/img/2013/8/6/392372/medium.png
Imma slow and steady type of guy myself when it comes to relationships. So I'm just going to use my imagination and pretend that they've known each other for longer. No offense dude or dudette, but this is way too damn rushed. I wouldn't have gone so fast so soon but then again, why listen to me, it's your story, write it how you want. Who gives a shit about what we want. Liked the speech about the eyes on the last chapter. Alright, If you read this thanks for listening to my yammering. Thankyou and i bid you adue.
7030997 I agree with you here, the story is really rushed, and I'd love for longer chapters or more chapters instead of him getting two mares on what is only his second or third day, but it's your story so have at it author!
7150580
It is pretty rushed, but still a good story.
I've known you all of 6 hours let's kiss
:/
7811047 okimg1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/01ff74d8c6b4d781d4ce5b1acd350c961250614747_full.jpg
Damn nigga works fast
The cancer is strong with this one.
Really... having one or more of the mane six fall in love within a day or less while playing spin the bottle is the most cancerous and cliche thing I have seen. Pretty sure at least 50 other stories have done this.
8384124
I agree, but, it works
Yikes, less than a day of knowing them and boom, in a romantic relationship with not 1 but 2 mares....... waaa.........aaaay too quick on the draw there bud.