Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
1,029 users online
2,004,719 hits today, 2,159,462 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wow.
Ok here we go Critic mode activate:
firstly i like the premise of the story it's interesting however as i read further into the story it focuses less on the description of the story and more on the relationships which are as follow
1. protag meets potential partner
2. potential partner blushes and immediately falls in love with protag
3. protag immediately notices this and asks potential partner out
4. they go,out once and immediately have intercourse then become partners
This formula works in short stories however, it fails to work in a long story such as yours and appears as repetitive.
Secondly, and this one is possibly the worst, the protag is a gary sue.. Now i'm not saying that the protag is uninteresting what i'm trying to say is that he need more character development. so far all we've seen him do is
1. have sex
2. make friends with everypony he encounter
3. overcome conflicts with a breeze
The problem is that he is an interesting character but he doesn't have enough development on his character, he has a murky past ok then elaborate on it. He knows martial arts? ok where did he learn it from. He doesn't even get any sudden flashbacks of his past as expected with this kind of story.
Of all gary sue's the protag is the 'i am jesus' type which means that everypony he meets likes him and when he sees a conflict it is usually solved within 4 paragraphs.
A good story cannot be without tension. And in this story in particular there is little to no tension. When the protag sees a conflict we already know he's going to be able to solve with ease therefore not presenting a challenge for the protag and making us readers less invested in the story.
Tension is there to ensure that the readers never see the outcome of the conflict, thereby leaving them even more invested in the story when the protag attempts to solve it. So when the Protag solve the conflict readers will continue to read to see more conflicts such as the one presented previously.
thirdly, the plot of the story seems to be everywhere and no where at once. Yes this is your first story and i shouldn't be too harsh on you.if this was a simple clopfic i would have dismissed all thoughts of a complex and interesting plot, however, you have a plot or at least i think you do so i have to criticize the plot as well. Behind all the clop there seems to be a very complex and interesting idea but that idea cannot show its true potential because there is just too much clop and filler.
You have a character who is the partner with a princess elaborate on that a little like how does the princess deal with her relationship and keep order in Equestria. Present some internal conflicts that a thousand year old ruler and older would have like is this ok? is inter-species relationships going to harm my social standings in the land? how would the rest of the community react to such a relationship? but all we ever got was lots of clop and pecks on the cheek.
I recommend getting a proofreader to read through the story and helping you out wit the details of the story because believe me. The smallest detail can change everything.
Lastly, i really like the concept of the story really i do but when i see that it' not being written to its true potential i want to help the person writing the story to make it better so please do not mistake my criticism for anger or hate for the story i mean well and i hope that the information i provided above will help you in writing your story all i can do is just hope that you take what i said into account
best of luck,
Finnie Nara
P.S try to keep the clop down and conflicts up it will help
P.P.S why does the protag have so many mares? it's like so unrealistic and believe me i can write a whole other review on unrealistic.
P.P.P.S also why is the use of 'for (action)' so prominent? it's not very effective in my opinion.
3661964 you cannot put a slice of life tag with an adventure tag sorry but its the truth
3774670
Yea, I already figured that out. Also, thanks for the criticism, even if it isn't exactly what I wanted to hear, it is much better then hearing that I rushed the story (which I already know that I did). As for fixing it, I'm already planning to do something about it, as well as fix up the plot. What I really like is that you were honest with your opinion, so thank you for being honest about it, and hopefully I will do better in the future.
Drakalian
3774699 no problem you wouldn't believe the number of writers who tell me to buck off with my opinions just because i reviewed the story negatively anyways good luck with the story (insert shameless self advert here)
3774701
No worries, you can't please everyone at once. I'm just happy that my story at least is in the positive for likes, you know?
3774711 same here when i finished my first story i was scared shitless of what the other bronies would think and i'm actually quite happy of the way it turned out ^ shameless self advert of own story :P
Oooh. Some bitches 'bout to get slapped.!!
3794809
I did a check, and you're right. I'll change it, and thanks for the correction
3804581
You are absolutely right. I wrote that part when I thought that a filly meant a baby horse/pony, but I know better now. Anyways, it's fixed now, and if you see any more errors, then please feel free to tell me
3804666 Righty-O Drak.