Page generated in 0.032 seconds
Total duration
983 users online
2,314,878 hits today, 2,818,023 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
ok ill admit... i shed a single man tear
absolutely beautiful.
.... If I had a dollar for every single HiE I see that scene, I would be as rich as this guy.
2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZiPiXEv_Q_g/ShP2R1oJrwI/AAAAAAAACfw/d__XQLy_ZQI/s400/Pile-of-cash-with-guy.jpg
Wow, that was fast! It's not even a few hours after they met each other. I feel like this chapter was forced, like it's part of some wish fulfilment.
Eh...
"their history"
Even if this story sounds a bit rushed, and the main character is a massive wimp, it does have excellent grammar, and it makes me laugh every time pinkie pops out of nowhere, says "somepony", and then just disappears.
But, now that I notice it...
Your Elizabethan English sucks. I mean, I'm no expert, but I know that what drak said near the end of the chapter was wrong. "Thy" in old English means "your", so he basically said that he would love it if Luna would join Luna's herd. What he was meant to say was "mine", which means "my". See what I mean?
I want to like this story, I really do since I love herding hie's, but there are just so many negative points that keep piling on.
-As many others have said, the relationships are hella rushed. To a stupid degree.
-Drak is a massive wimp, and I'm not talking about his phobia or panic attack.
-Also, which social norms he struggles with seems rather random. Nudity makes him uncomfortable, but the idea of intimacy with another species is instantly a non issue.
-Apparently mares blush at the most minor compliment or even cursory glance at Drak's manly chest, and get so flustered by being around Drak they stutter at every word.
-Your grammar is hit and miss. Sometimes acceptable, other times pretty bad. Those who praised it have some low standards.
-Your 'old' English is atrocious. What is worse, you can easily correct it by doing even cursory research. Google is a thing.
-iPod. More cliche in hie's than 'I woke up in...'
-Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. How I hate it.
That's what I got so far.
Despite these criticisms though, the story is by no means unsalvagable. I truly hope you do a rewrite of certain parts. Let the relationships take a bit more time, the fact that he is a mare magnet is fine if handled well. Make him a bit more emotionally stable, even with his phobia. Possibly make him a bit more realistically fallible, a Gary stu rarely makes for an interesting read. Touch up the grammar and do some research on some things and many minor issues would disappear entirely.
It's a bit odd how the best chapters were the first ones, before the romance started. Both in terms of pacing and story. You clearly can write well and I will not give up on the story yet, being the stubborn bastard i am.
That was when I realized what they were talking about: they were saying Luna, the Princess of the Night, might actually have a crush on me
Anyone know that Story/Song?
Fluttershy, Applejack and Princess Luna now. Lotus and Ditzy are possibilities. Judging by the character tags so is Trixie. This guy is officially a pimp. You get the Crazy Pinkie Seal of Approval.
*facepalm*
Why everything became easy Mode?
'That was easy'
Rushed. Way too rushed. Two hours after he meets Luna, she's already wanting him in her bed. Hell, as of now, I wouldn't be surprised if all the mares of Equestria went after him. Because it seems to be the general consensus.
6104640 It's what usually happens in these fics, you get over it
6104640
I DON'T CARE YOU JUDGMENTAL JERK!!!
6104640 almost no one cares man