Twilight and Celestia have always been close friends, she basically raised Twilight. But, those feelings have developed into something more lately, and Twilight needs to tell the Princess how she feels.
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mageli7
Joined 31st May, 2012 ·
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Maggie!
You're back!
3287155
Why yes I am mi amiiiiigo!!!!
3287203 yay
Er.. what?
It's just like you wrote down the idea "Twilight confesses her love to Celestia" and then just spread it out like butter on bread, rather than showing how the characters involved are thinking and why they act as they do. In short, I wanted to like this (it's Twilestia!), but it's genuinely flat. Characters just do stuff and it's not conveyed why.
Funny how one letter can drastically change a sentence. "Princess", wiith two 's'es.
"now"
I like Twilestia, but this seems like it was rushed. You have a good concept I could definetly see twilight as being akward and debating whether or not she should say anything, but the charecters in this were boring I'm sorry to say. Also way too many spelling errors for me. But don't let me discourage you from continuing to write.
See, I love all the comments about what I did wrong. But, this was a welcome back fic, also, I wrote it in 30 minutes. While sick. Fuuuuun.
The premise could work, but it seemed flat. There was no real development and almost no story at all. Really you could sum this story up: Twilight told Celestia that she loved her, and Celestia said I love you too. There should have been some development, introspection, consideration something that isn't covered in that one sentence above. I think you could be a great writer, just draw things out a little more.
ayo maggie, dis story BE DA SHIT YO!
LIKE DAYUM YOU COULD FEEL DAH FUKKIN LOVE HERRRR
COMIN FROM DA TRUEST HOMIE, DIS IS TRUE LUV DAWG
I GIV THIS SHIEEEEEET 10/10 GURL
KEEP DIS SHIT UP
PEACE HOMIE G
3288268 This. The story could be quite interesting...but it'd need to be about three times as long for it to be so.
Howdy! Would you like to submit your story to the "Twilestia is bestia" contest page (it's in the Forums) for a chance to win the monthly contest? First prize is a private spot in the folder "Contest Winners", which is currently empty and so would get your fic a lot more favourites and views. Just something to consider.
Basically, what the others have said, goes for me as well. There is a reason why most successful stories follow a 3 act structure. It works. You have the beginning of the story? Check... sorta. Build up to a climax? Er, no. Sorry. There is very little build up here. It feels more like we were dropped into the final chapter of a much longer story. No motivations are given for either mare to feel the way they do, very little introspection is done (and only for Twilight), and the story consists of one action, really: confess to Celestia. That's why the ending feels flat; there is no build up to the final confrontation.
Now, I realize that with only 1k+ words, there isn't a lot of room for all that, but it can be done. This story is taking advantage of the fact that we're fans of the show, so it doesn't really tell us anything about the characters or setting. Fine. I can deal with that. However, it doesn't tell us anything that we can't tell from the show, except for Twilight's feelings for Celestia, and even that is only given a few lines. We are not told why Twilight feels this way. Something other than "I love her" is needed to show us how her feelings have changed from the canon. Also, a little more description would be nice. I didn't even know this was Twilicorn until you mentioned her wings (I was recommended this story by the Twilestia group).
You want positive criticisms? Well, try these on for size. You kept them in character. You didn't break the fourth wall. Though there were some spelling and grammatical mistakes (I'd point them out, but based on the fact that you neither corrected the ones pointed out to you already, nor did you acknowledge the commentors who did so, making me adding to the list pointless), they weren't in numbers sufficient to make me want to claw my eyes out. Basically, anything aside from the above negative criticisms, you did right. It's a good premise, but it takes more than a good premise to make a good story.
I'm not a master writer like some others on this site. (Seriously some of these people should be English professors am I right?) I personally liked what you did here. I'm not an expert but I was on the edge of my seat just like Twilight. So while my opinion may not count for much... You get a fave, a like and a watch from me.
Yeah fairly rushed. This fic could use a prologue or back story.
Very rushed, but still good.
That was so utterly doofy that it went all the way through forced and awkward and become funny and cute again.
This feels... a bit hollow. There's something missing - perhaps a larger chunk of the story, or more build-up.
Or maybe more awkward Twilight, I don't know.
Celestia's reaction leaves something to be desired, as well. I didn't know she was this calculating, you know. I would think, if there was anything the passing time has taught her, it would be to seize the opportunity - because in a short few years it'd be gone, never to return.