Destination: Thataway!

by Hawattie

Ever drink Windex? Don't. It's bad for you.

"You know you're a moron, right?" someone asked. I didn't quite recognize their voice, but it sounded familiar.

"You're just now realizing this?" I retorted. "One look at me should've been all you'd need to tell." I tried cracking an eye to see who I was talking to. Maybe if I could see their face, I'd remember who the voice belonged to?

"AUUGH! OH CELESTIA IT BURNSSSS!" Turns out opening my eyes was a bad idea.

"Dude," there goes that voice again, talkin' away all anonymous-like, "the sun isn't even out and you're complaining about the light? Just what was in that drink?" Huh, that last bit didn't sound like it was directed at me.

"Ohhh, nothing..." Another voice! This one's not nearly as familiar, but still recognizable. "Mostly water, some sugar, a bit of flavoring..."

"You're avoiding my question."

The sound of hooves awkwardly shuffling around on wood reached my ears.

"Still waiting."

...

...

Do you know what this is called? It's called an awkward silence. I hate awkward silences. Do you know what a good way to break an awkward silence is? Continuing the conversation.

"How long was I out?" I asked.

The second voice, I remembered he was the bartender now, jumped at the change of subject like a thirsty pony jumps at a... yup. Still bad at similes.

"Only about three hours," the barkeep said. Huh, I'd expect it to be longer after drinking whatever that was. The bartender pony - I really need to get his name at some point - seemed to be thinking the same thing, as he continued, albeit it was mumbled under his breath in a way that made it difficult for me to hear. "Rather remarkable, really. I put enough poison joke extract in there to subdue an ursa minor..."

"What was that?" Fphantom asked. I could now think well enough to connect him with the first voice I'd heard.

"Nothing."

A brief silence followed. Unlike the awkward one of before, this one was laced with tension. I could imagine Fphant making the universal "I'm watching you" gesture with his amorphous appendage.

Attempting to open my eyes again revealed the light levels, or lack thereof, to be bearable. Judging by the intimidating glare Fphant was giving and the small wet patch on the floor under the bartender pony my assumption for what just happened was correct.

"Y'know, barpony," I said, trying to start up the conversation again, "I never did get your name."

Said pony once again jumped at the lifeline I threw to him. "I'm Unique-" he began.

"You sure are." Fphant growled.

The barpony coughed once into a hoof and began again. "I'm Unique Blend, drink mixer extraordinaire!" He gave a flourishing bow. "Maker of exotic and exciting new beverages for ponykind to enjoy at their leisure."

"Like that 'Thunderbrew' I drank last night?"

"Precisely." He looked immensely proud of his work. Or so I thought. That gigantic smug look on his face could be his way of showing pure terror or something.

"Also, didn't you have a different accent last night?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's my bar tending accent," Unique explained. "I find it to be more conductive to business." I guess that makes sense in a strange and twisted sort of way.

"I'm curious," Fphantom interjected. "How did you make the drink spark like that?"

Unique wagged a hoof. "A magician never reveals his secrets, and neither do I!" I almost believed Fphant wasn't going to get his answer until Unique leaned over to me and spoke in a stage whisper, "Let's just say thunderclouds react violently to changeling spit."

I didn't know whether to gag or applaud Unique's ingenuity.

"Right..." I mentally listed all the things that I'd supposedly drunk last night. "There seems to be a couple magically potent ingredients in that brew of yours." Poison joke, for example. "Any side effects I should watch out for?"

"What? No!" He almost seemed outraged at my implications, was I assuming too much? "Maybe!" Or not. "Alright, there might be a couple things you should look out for."

"Such as..." I waved my hoof in small circles.

"Bad plot devices, Mary Sue-ism, McGuffins, spontaneous superpowers, nausea, Freudian Psychology, random bouts of adventure, and bad breath."

Fphantom face-appenda- y'know what? I'm just gonna call it a paw for simplicity's sake. Fphantom facepawed. "He asked for potential side effects, not a list of things for an author to avoid."

"I know," Unique said. He then proceeded to pull a glass bottle full of Thunderbrew out from... somewhere behind him. "I was just reading what it said on the warning label I put on here."

Sure enough, there was a big white sticker cautioning all of things Unique had just listed off.

"That stuff seems to have some pretty severe side-effects," I commented. "Any way you know of to counteract any of the more unfortunate ones?" I was deadly serious here. Who would want to be a, I shudder to even think the words, Mary Sue?

Unique hmm'd with his hoof on his chin. "Well, I suppose having a steady supply of even more Thunderbrew could potentially counteract the side effects... then again, it could also increase them."

"What're the odds?" I asked.

"Ehh," he mulled it over for a minute. He lifted his hooves and made a motion like he was weighing something. "I'd say about fifty-fifty."

"That's good enough for me." I grinned. "Gimme that bottle."

Unique hoofed over the bottle of brew. "Of course," Unique said as I uncorked the bottle, "you'd need a steady supply of Thunderbrew for this plan to work, and I'm the only one who knows how to make it."

I looked at Fphant. "Is he implying what I think he's implying?"

Fphant looked at Unique, then back at me. "I think he is implying what you think he's implying."

Unique looked at me. "What are you implying that you think I'm implying?"

I looked at Unique. "I'm implying that I think you're implying that you want to travel with us."

Unique nodded. "I think your implication would be correct."

I nodded back. "Awesome, we set off tomorrow."

Unique smiled. "Where are we headed?"

I grinned back. "Thataway."

Author's Note:

There may or may not be strudels in later chapters. Also lists are cool. Respect the lists.

Edit as of 8/16/14; fixed the continuity regarding Unique's accent.

Stay awesome. Try not to die.

Comments

[DetectivePingles]

After reading this, I enjoyed some Nicki Minaj, sneezed, then burst into flames. What did you put in that text?

[Hawattie]

2516224 Everything. I did warn you.