Destination: Thataway!

by Hawattie

You Are Now Dazed: You Move 50% Slower for Seven Seconds.

I came to in one of those interrogation rooms. The kind with the uncomfortable chairs and the really bright light they shine in your eyes while the rest of the room is bathed in darkness. Of course, the whole effect was somewhat ruined since the room wasn't pitch black. Overhead lights illuminated white walls covered in tacky posters of butterflies.

Seeing nothing better to do I settled into one of the uncomfortable interrogation chairs and waited. My logic was that something interesting was bound to happen if I waited long enough.

Sure enough, - after about fifteen minutes for those of you keeping track, - I noticed a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head slowly to avoid alerting whatever it was I'd noticed that I'd noticed it. To my dismay, the indistinct thing moved to stay just outside my field of view.

I turned my head swiftly in an attempt to catch the thing off guard, but the thing resolutely stayed just ahead of my gaze.

"Fine," I pouted, "be enigmatic. See if I care!" I huffily crossed my arms and pointedly looked away from the indistinct thing. Of course as soon as I said that the thing decided to move into my field of view.

What a jerk.

The thing turned out to be a framed painting, it depicted a white fence in the middle of a grassy field...

~~~

A whitewashed wooden fence dominated my field of view. The sturdy wooden construction was the only break in the endless grass field I found myself in. Well there was a group of human kids applying a fresh coat of whitewash to the fence a few meters away slowly working their way closer as they applied the paint. They ignored me so I paid them no mind.

I turned around to see if there was anything behind me and, lo and behold! There was nothing but more grass! What a shocker. I decided that watching a group of humans whitewash a fence was the best entertainment around so I turned to face them. In the fifteen seconds I'd spent facing away the kids had moved a grand total of three inches.

I watched them for what felt like hours. Boring, I know, but since my only other option was literally watching the grass grow I feel like I made the right decision.

Eventually they reached the stretch of fence directly in front of where I rested. Without warning, one of the humans reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple. Slowly, deliberately, the boy took two bites out of the fruit the tossed it over his shoulder.

It should come as no surprise to you that the apple hit me right between the eyes. "Ow!" I exclaimed. "Watch where you're throwing... things..." I trailed off. A cluster of gravestones stood where the group of humans were not three seconds earlier. I stared, slack-jawed, as the centermost gravestone turned to face me. Etched into the face of the stone was an elementary school classroom complete with those little desk-chair things and a chalkboard at the front...

~~~

"Can anyone tell me what the first rule of successful villainy is?" the skeleton at the front of the room asked. The words "Mr Bones" were scrawled across the blackboard behind him. The skeletal teacher was surprisingly lifelike. His voice sounded normal, I could see his ribcage expand and contract in time with his barely audible breathing... If not for the lack of flesh, I could almost mistake him for a normal pony. Almost.

I was seated at one of the many desks arranged throughout the classroom. Surrounding me were aged-down versions of many infamous villains I remembered from the history class I never took. A young Nightmare Moon doodled pictures of the stars to my left while a small King Sombra idly sucked on a crystal to my right. I felt absurdly out of place being an adult in an elementary school class. I could barely fit into the desk!

To my surprise it was a young Discord who raised his hand first. I don't know what it was about the childish draconequus, but he was cute enough that I just wanted to pinch his cheek. "Yes Discord?" Mr Bones called on the adorable menace.

Speaking with a slight lisp around his proportionally large snaggletooth Discord said, "Is it 'try not to kill anyone's parents'?"

Mr Bones chuckled lightly. "Close, but not quite. That's actually the third rule of being a successful villain. The first rule is to keep your victory monologue to fifteen seconds or less." Mr Bones proceeded to snap his own rib off to use as a stick of chalk on the chalkboard.

For several seconds the sound of Mr Bones's chalky bone scratching away on the board filled the room. Eventually the sounds stopped and the teacher stepped away from the board to reveal what he'd written. The number one followed by the first rule of successful villainy, then the number two with a gap for future words to be written in, and finally the number three with the rule Discord had said.

"Of course," Mr Bones said, "that brings us to the second rule." The sound of chalk on chalkboard filled the room once again as Mr Bones filled in the empty space on the chalkboard.

When he stepped away I could see what he'd written. "The second rule is to always be at least one step ahead of the 'hero'." Oddly enough, he'd drawn a chess game in progress and strangely I recognized both of the players...
~~~

A chessboard, pieces set up mid-game, lay between Ner'Galad and myself. As I took stock of my surroundings -we appeared to be in a library- Ner plucked one of the two black rooks and moved it towards my side of the board. "Check," the evil necromancer declared.

I glanced at Ner. His gaze was focused intently on the game in front of him. I half expected him to start monologuing. When it became abundantly clear he wasn't going to say anything I actually looked at the chess board.

One thing that was abundantly clear was that I was losing. There were more than twice as many of Ner's black pieces as there were of my white ones. The rook Ner had just moved was indeed threatening my king. The white king was still in its starting position with the black rook bearing down on it from three spaces to the left.

I only had one move, so I took it. With the tip of my hoof I nudged the king forward a single space, opening up my bishop to be taken by Ner's rook. I felt a sort of ache inside my chest as I watched my bishop float over to Ner's collection of my fallen pieces, almost as if that bishop was a metaphor for something dear to me which Ner had taken away.

Either that or I was upset about all-but losing a chess game I didn't even remember starting.

With my bishop out of the way, Ner was free to move one of his pawns all the way to my edge of the board. As is the rule, Ner removed the pawn to be replaced with a more powerful piece. Ner's magic gripped the black queen, I don't remember taking it but I'm glad I did; I was losing bad enough as it was, but he paused as if thinking.

A moment passed where Ner considered the queen in his magic. Finally he set the piece down. "No, I have a better idea," he said just barely loud enough for me to hear. He grabbed the bishop he had just taken and before my eyes the white piece darkened until it was completely black. Ner's eyes twinkled with amusement. "Yes, that will do nicely," he said before setting the piece down on the board.

A bright flash of light dazed me for a moment. When I regained my vision I found myself standing on a large white tile surrounded by other intermittent black and white tiles. Life-sized chess pieces surrounded me and a colossal Ner'Galad smiled down from above. "Very nicely indeed," the giant boomed.

My normally colorful coat had dulled to a pale grey color. My slight movements as I looked around caused the jet-black chains wrapped around my form to clink against each other. I was the new black bishop.

The grinding noise of stone on stone filled my ears. I watched as the only remaining knight on the board slid across the black and white tiles. The white horse that vaguely reminded me of the sorceress came to a stop diagonally from me. Both Ner and I looked at the positioning of the pieces on the board. It was completely safe for Ner to move his bishop to take my knight.

So he did.

The black chains encircling me tugged me across the intervening tiles. My forelegs were tugged up. I felt the handle of my axe appear in my hooves. My legs were swiftly tugged down. My weapon followed through, cleaving through the white stone.

A white pawn, its shape strangely reminiscent of a mug of ale, slid into my path. Again I was able to take it with no repercussions. The pawn fared no better than the knight did.

A rook moved into position across from me. If I didn't move it would take me just like I had taken the knight and the pawn. Ner didn't make a move for a long while. I saw the move he should make; it would keep me alive and put the white king into check again, then allow the rook he'd used to take my bishop to get checkmate. I'm sure he saw it too. I also saw him consider sacrificing me and just using his other bishop to win instead.

I'd seen what I did to the solid stone chess pieces when I captured them. I didn't want to see what happened when the reverse happened.

The tugging of my chains told me which choice Ner made. I let out a relieved sigh when I realized I wasn't going to get clobbered by a rook.

I slid to a stop face to face with a white bishop. My breath caught in my throat. Ner had moved me the wrong way. The human shaped bishop pulled a long gun from its back. Panicked, I looked up to Ner. Why had he thrown me away? The only answer I got was a grim little smile.

Ner had never intended to keep me alive.

A deafening bang rent the silence. A massive impact forced me off my hooves, sending me to the ground. The expressionless white bishop stepped slowly onto the square I previously occupied. It deliberately aimed its gun, this time directly at my forehead.

I barely had time to register Ner'Galad's voice before the bishop fired. "Checkmate."

Author's Note:

Wow, it feels like it's been forever since I've posted a chapter here... four months is a long time.
I might be posting faster again, then again I might not. Don't get your hopes up.

Yes, this chapter is rife with metaphors. Some are more blatant than others. And yes, it didn't end in "thataway".
The reason I'm gonna give is that Ner's playing mind games with the main character and prevented him from inserting his signature ending as a show of dominance and control.
It totally isn't because I was unwilling/unable to re-write the ending of the chapter so that ending with "thataway" doesn't sound incredibly stilted and derail the narrative's flow. Nope. Ner's playing mind games and that's final. Besides, 39/40 isn't that bad.

Also woo! I borked the 50k words barrier! And it only took --checks first post date-- uh... almost a year! --does a double take-- Has it really been almost a year? Wow.
Please leave suggestions, or comments, or corrections, or anything. I will be your best friend forever* if you do!

Oh, I nearly forgot! Those two internet muffins I offered up back in November were never claimed. You wouldn't want them now anyways, seeing as how they were never baked to last for five months. Anyways, chapter 38's title; "Miscellaneous junk strikes the avid follower of a specific event" roughly translates to "Shit hits the fan." Since no one won (or tried to win, *cries*) my admittedly very hard contest, it looks like I get to keep my internet muffins. I shall name them Stinky and Precious.

*forever here means some time in between two days and a few** years.
**a few here means a number between one and one million.

Stay Awesome. Try not to die.

Comments

[Hawattie]

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Covering the bill with fake money is good and all... until you need to skip town because of the angry mob led by disgruntled shopkeepers.