Destination: Thataway!

by Hawattie

Fourth Wall? Never Heard of It.

A whizzing sound accompanied the flight of my heavy wooden crossbow bolt as it soared through the air. With a satisfying thunk, it buried itself several inches deep into the practice target I had aimed for.

However instead of landing within the small black circle in the center of the target like I'd been hoping for, the bolt had struck the large white ring at the very edge of the bulls-eye. To make matters even worse; that was the first of the fifteen bolts I'd fired to actually come into contact with the target at all.

Man, I suck at shooting.

I dejectedly loaded another bolt into my crossbow, ready for another go, when a sudden clapping sound surprised me enough to drop my weapon. The sudden force of the crossbow colliding with the ground caused it to discharge its payload. To my surprise, and to the surprise of my unexpected guest, the bolt landed home in the dead center of the target with another satisfying thunk.

I stared at the bolt in slack-jawed disbelief for a bit, then glanced at my visitor briefly, then continued staring at the bolt, then did a double take when I realized who my visitor was.

"I was going to make a sarcastic comment about 'practice makes perfect'," Fphant said in an equally surprised tone as I felt, "and then that happened." He waved a limb towards the perfect shot.

"Yeah," I agreed. Wait, why was I surprised my mirage friend was here again? Oh yeah! We're like, a dozen miles underground in the middle of a secret base patrolled by militaristic children.

How the hay did he get down here? How the hay did he know I was here? How the hay do I expect to get answers by asking you guys?

The world may never know... unless I ask Fphant.

"Hey Fphant," I asked, "how the hay did you get down here? And how did you know I was down here in the first place?" Seriously, did he like get the sorceress to use her freaky magic to put a tracking spell on me then teleport him down here or something?

"Heh, about that," Fphant said sheepishly, scratching the back of his head, "we sort of convinced the sorceress that we'd let her experiment on you if she helped us find you."

What is with me and predicting what my friends are about to say? Why do I keep asking you questions? I really need to stop that...

"No way," I told him firmly, "I already told y'all that I'm not getting tested on if it involves pain!" Seriously, what do these guys not get about me being allergic to pain?

"Unfortunately," a new voice, one I quickly identified as belonging to the sorceress, said from behind me, "you don't have a choice." Dammit, when'd she get here?

Oh yeah, she's the one who got them here. Silly me, how could I forget the weak plot explanation I learned about just a minute ago?

And there I go, asking you questions again...

"And why is that?" I question with a bit more bravado than I felt. For a bit of extra intimidation, and to make myself feel a little cooler, I picked up my dropped crossbow and loaded a new bolt.

"Because if you don't come with me quietly, then I'll just have to keep your little friend hostage," the sorceress explained with an evil grin. Little friend? Who do I know that would fit that description...

It couldn't be Fphant, he's like, taller than both of us...

It couldn't be Bond, he's just over in the other room drinking himself into a stupor...

It couldn't be... Oh, I've got it! But why would she take him hostage?

"Why do you think I'd care if you took that one Doctor pony with the suspicious bush and the blue box hostage?" I questioned. "Does he have some sort of cosmic significance I'm currently unaware of but will figure out in a couple chapters?"

Oh the glorious sound of hoof meeting face, how I have missed thee.

"No, you moron." Ooh, shemad. "I was referring to that imbecile of a barkeep you foolishly brought into my domain."

"Hm? Oh, you mean Unique?"

"Yes," she deadpanned. "Who else?" You'd be surprised.

"You know," I said nonchalantly, trying to change the subject, "it's generally not a good idea to threaten the protagonist's friends." I took aim with the crossbow. "They tend to find a way to win in the end."

The sorceress's confused look changed to one which yelled "really?" when I leveled my weapon at her. "I've seen you shoot that thing," she said, "if it wasn't for gravity, you couldn't hit the ground. Am I supposed to be scared?" Her horn began to glow as she started to charge some sort of spell.

"Of course not!" I replied with a cocky grin. "I'd never hurt one of the mane characters!" Hey look, the confused look's back! "I just needed to distract you long enough for Fphant to sneak up behind you!"

The sorceress whirled around, horn blazing, expecting some sort of ambush. She was greeted with an empty stone wall devoid of stealthy mirages.

I just gave a smile and a wave to Fphant who was still where I'd first seen him wearing a completely perplexed expression. Or maybe he had to pee, it's hard to tell with that one.

"I don't know what you're trying to pull," the sorceress said threateningly as she turned back to face me, "but it's not going to work."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Oh really? You don't even know what I'm trying to do, but you're sure it won't work?"

"Well no," she admitted with a slight blush. Woohoo! I actually got a mare to blush! Ten points to me. "But I don't need to know what your plan is to foil it!"

"Do you even have a plan?" Fphant whispered into my ear.

"No," I whispered back, "but that's beside the point."

"You know, I can hear you," the sorceress deadpans. Stupid cheating magic. "And now that I know you have no plan to stop me, would you kindly return to my tower quietly so we can resume our experimentation?"

"Pfft, hay no!" I scoff. "The fact that I don't have a plan means nothing!" I idly twirled my crossbow around my hoof. Cool! I didn't know I could do that! "Have you even met me? I'm Captain Jack Spa- wait, wrong line." And cue the confused look again! Man, I am on a roll! "Whatever, the point is I don't need no stinkin' plan."

"And why is that, oh 'Captain Jack Harkness'?" the sorceress snarks.

"Sparrow," I correct her, "though Harkness is cool too, I'm not into the whole WWII look. But I digress, even though I personally prefer Pirates to Torchwood, I'm going to pull this wicked escape off because of one simple thing I have which you lack."

The sorceress rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll bite. What do you have that I lack?"

I smirked. She really doesn't know, does she? Ah well, she'll find out soon. "An awesome catch-phrase and the element of surprise!"

"That's two th-" she began to protest before my hoof collided with her head.

There might have been a couple explosions in the background and some epic music playing while Fphant watched from the sidelines with complete adoration dominating his features. Either adoration or confusion, one of the two. Like I said, it's hard to tell with that one.

"That was actually kind of epic," Fphant admitted. I hauled the sorceress's unconscious form onto my back; it wouldn't do to just leave her lying there.

"Yeah, it kind of was." Together we started to walk towards the exit. "I honestly didn't expect it to work out that well."

"Me neither," Fphant agrees with no hesitation. Gee, way to have faith in me buddy. "By the way, you mentioned a catch-phrase... is this new, or have I just not been paying attention?"

"Meh, I was just saying whatever came into my head," I admitted. "Although there is one word that seems to follow me around a lot, and it might fit the bill."

"What's that?" Funny, for a bit there it sounded like Fphant actually cared about what I had to say. I must be imagining things.

I paused my movement and cleared my throat to set the mood. "It's kind of funny, really," I said, "all these people around me saying the same word all the time. It isn't even a real word really, just some slang thing I thought of at random back when I first got this body."

Fphant stopped with me. "Now you've got me interested. What word are you talking about here?"

"Are you sure you don't know what it is? I'm pretty sure you've heard me say it a couple times."

"Dude, just tell me."

I nodded my head in the direction we were headed to indicate we should keep moving. "Thataway."

Author's Note:

I just looked back at my older chapters and realized that Fphant was totally the one to say "Thataway" in chapter ten. Ah well, I'll just chalk it up to he was drunk at the time and doesn't remember saying it.
In unrelated news, a baby duckling swam through a river yesterday.
In related news, I've decided that unless someone gives me a strong reason otherwise I'm gonna throw the whole "main character in video games" idea into the main story-line.

Also, longest chapter yet! Yay!

Stay awesome. Try not to die.