Destination: Thataway!

by Hawattie

Seventeen and a half is my favorite number.

The next several minutes were spent wandering the labyrinthine corridors of the foal mafia's base. Every few turns I'd run into a new foal, who I'd ask for directions. None of their directions were any help; if I had to guess I'd say they were trying to confuse me.

Silly foals, it takes more than faulty directions to get me lost! I am almighty, I always make it to where I want to go to... and stuff!

Despite all odds, I did eventually make it to the armory. And what an armory it was! The hangar-sized room was split into sections based on weapon type. Along one wall were dozens of wicked-looking melee implements, all the way from the simple dagger to the gigantic bucking scythe/axe thing covered in spikes, flames, and pixie skulls.

There's no kill like overkill, am I right?

Further down was a handful of mannequins displaying every type of armor ever made for every species imaginable. I don't know why the foal mafia had plate-mail for diamond dogs or leather armor for dragons seeing as how they were an all-pony organization, but they did. I chose to not question their choice and just admire the shinyness.

On the other wall was a collection of ranged tools. I saw bows, I saw slings, I saw a pile of sharpened rocks next to a ballista. They had it all. There was a surprising shortage of party cannons though...

Ah well, you can't win 'em all.

Standing in the middle of the armory was my reason for being here; the armorer. The well-dressed purple pony had waited patiently as I gawked at his collection before approaching me.

"You must be our newest asset" he said. Ooh, he has a cool voice. I wish I had a voice like that. He also had a Scottish accent, but it was just meh; his voice was way cooler.

"Indeed I am," I replied sluggishly, man, I wish I had a voice like his, "and you are?"

"I'm the combination of armorer and tactical mind around here, the name's Bond. James Bond." Nice introduction. I should come up with something like that. "Twinkle sent word that you would be coming here to be briefed and outfitted." Wait, boss pony's name is Twinkle? I like boss pony better personally.

"Something like that," I said, still in awe at his awesome voice. "You have a cool voice."

Wait, did I just say that out loud? Dang, I sound like a creeper. Que facehoof.

To my surprise, Bond let out a hearty chuckle. "Yes," he straightened his bow tie with a smug grin, I mentioned he had a bow tie, right? I didn't? Oh, well he was wearing a full tux, it looked snazzy. Oh, and he had some scuba gear hanging off his belt too. I bet he could do a great costume change if he wanted to. "I do tend to get that a lot. Although it is generally not put quite so bluntly."

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.

...

Somepony coughed in the background.

...

"Anyways," Bond broke the awkward silence, "you're probably wondering what it is you need to do."

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, that'd be nice to know."

"Well, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate a nearby tower, known colloquially as 'the sorceress's tower', and ascertain whether or not she has any of the very rare, and very valuable invisible statues made by Starswirl him-"

"Done!" I cut him off.

"Pardon?"

"I said I'm done with the mission." I explained, geeze, for a guy with a cool voice and an awesome introduction, he's a little thick. "I've already been to the sorceress's tower and yes, she does have some of those invisible Starswirl statues."

He looked rather shocked. "Are you quite certain?"

"Yup." I nod. "Seen 'em with my own two eyes."

"You've seen her invisible statues?" He looks and sounds skeptical, almost as if he doesn't believe me.

"That's what I said."

He gives me one of those unbelieving looks. I seem to get those a lot, almost as much as the "you're a moron" look my friends are so fond of. "You've seen her invisible statues," he deadpans. I nodded vigorously. What doesn't he get? I'm being pretty clear... I think.

"Yeah," I clarified, "I got a pretty good look at them while walking through the sorceress's pit of despair. They really fit in with the decor down there."

If he was shocked before, now he was downright flabbergasted. "Let me get this straight. You not only can see things which are invisible, but you survived a trip to the eighth deadliest place in the known world and talk about it like it was a walk in the park?"

"Hmm, yeah. Sounds about right."

"You are impossible." I can't tell if he's impressed or exasperated. I'm gonna go with exasperated to be on the safe side.

"I get that a lot."

Bond just looked at me for a couple seconds before declaring, "I need a drink."

"Wait!" I called after his retreating form, "What am I supposed to do now?"

He paused and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Just," he sighed, "find some gear that suits you. You're going to need it."

Hmm, find some gear you say? I can get behind that idea. Now, what to pick?

As Bond reached the liquor cabinet stached in the corner of the room I heard him grumble something about "being too old for this." Pff, that guy hardly looks a day over... I paused to get a really good look at him... sixty. Meh, he could be worse.

"Hey Bond," I called to him, "where do you keep the crossbows?"

He looked up from his drink long enough to point. "Thataway."

Author's Note:

What do y'all think of my Bond? I imagine him as a Sean Connery Bond, but that's just me.
Did you know, James Bond is a timelord?

Yes, I am going to give the main character a crossbow. No, he will not know how to use it. Also, it will be a very unique crossbow. *grins evilly*

Stay awesome. Try not to die.

Comments

[Mystic Deadman]

Coincidentally, seventeen happens to be my lucky number.
Crossbows and an oblivious pony make quite the combination, I hope.
Time Lord Bond actually explains quite a lot...