Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCVII · 9:15pm Mar 12th, 2020
Before we get to anything else: my friend and yours, Wanderer D, needs some help. Go read his blog and contribute to his fundraiser if you can. He’s around 3/4ths to his goal and it would be awesome if we could get him all the way there.
They canceled the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo. The largest agricultural exposition in the world, to say nothing for its benefits for the local economy, and an icon of local culture. Gone, just like that. While I think the panic over COVID-19 is out of proportion to the danger, I totally understand the decision. It's just... depressing, y'know?
Blech. This has been a less-than-positive week. I’ll be glad to see it behind me. On that note, let’s do some reviews, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
Voidrunner by The DM
Nosflutteratu by Charcoal Quill
Honest Diamonds by Applety
First Day Terror by Mark Garg von Herbalist
The Strange Music of Octavia by Redback Spino
Nightmares by Kodeake
Hair of the Sister Who Bit You by Rao the Red Sun
Fiery Incantation by SapphireStarlightPony
Glimmery Glam by _Moonshot
The Encore of Clover the Clever by Ice Star
Total Word Count: 225,096
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 6
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Voidrunner
168,952 Words
By The DM
Alternative Title: Humans: We’re Just Better Than You
The most undisciplined, unprofessional, under-qualified ship in the entire UNSC space fleet just landed on Equestria. Luckily for the ponies, they come in peace.
I’m always wary of crossovers. I’ve read some truly excellent ones, but I am well aware of how easily they can go downhill. Voidrunner – I have no idea why it’s called that – is a HALO crossover. I don’t know much about HALO. I played through the entirety of one game, HALO 2, and my interaction with the rest is the rare multiplayer match I played with my cousins who were really into that kind of thing. So my lore is poor, to say the least.
I’ve no idea if any characters from the games (or other media) are making an appearance here. However, I get the impression that The DM mostly just made his own characters and set the story in a combined MLP/HALO universe. Which I’m cool with. It’s one of the safer ways to handle crossovers.
Anyway, the story mostly follows the perspective of Captain Daniel of the UNSC Tuscany, which is on an exploratory mission to a potentially colonizable planet. The planet ends up being the world of MLP, Avalon (which, I should point out, is a stellar name for the pony world that I regret not having thought of first). Promptly breaking an untold number of first contact protocols (not least of which include accidentally running over Rainbow Dash with his ship), he and his crew soon become the UNSC’s liaison with the collective peoples of Equestria. Coincidentally, this happens just as the Gryphon Empire and their Minotaur allies have decided to make a bid for global domination.
The concept is decent enough, I suppose. Indeed, it was the concept that drew my interest to read this in the first place. But the more I read, the more frustrated I was. It quickly became apparent that The DM’s concept of storytelling stems from poor video game plotlines with little awareness or appreciation for the medium the crossover is being presented with. The setting alone is almost completely ignored in favor of what the author wants to happen, which leads to so many missteps I could never include all of them in this review.
The theme for this story, as far as I can tell, is “Humans are better than all other races at anything ever with the lone exception of video games, and then only if playing against Princess Luna.” Captain Daniel and his crew regularly show complete disregard for protocol and rules and yet continuously get away with all of it (up to and including what might be considered a war crime) with little more than a slap on the wrist from their superiors. It seems they can do this because they are generally superior to every creature that already exists on Avalon.
In comparison, ponies are shown as being blatantly and consistently incompetent at practically anything they set out to do. If ever a pony is shown trying to achieve anything, especially something they’re supposed to be experts in, the humans will promptly school them in a way to do it better. This is not because of advanced technology, no, it’s just that ponies suck. Be it flying, prisoner interrogation, a bomb search, creativity, strategy, tactics, diplomacy, bare-knuckle brawling, cooking, logistics, you name it, this story will time and time again demonstrate that humans are superior. Within the first few chapters, Captain Daniel and his crew are practically running Equestria, with Celestia and Luna constantly deferring to their opinions and commands in every situation. It’s downright insulting to the capability of the races of Avalon in general.
Speaking of insulting capabilities, The DM clearly never considered the consequences of their decisions. In this story it is established that Celestia does move Avalon’s star using only her magic. Now, I know the show demonstrates regularly that Celestia and Luna couldn’t defend themselves if the universe depended upon it, but this isn’t the canon universe. The DM has gone out of his way to specify that Celestia moves a literal star. The sheer might required to achieve such a feat is beyond comprehension. Realistically speaking, Celestia should be the most powerful entity in the HALO universe – not counting Princess Luna, who alludes to the fact that, yes, she makes the night sky in Avalon, which in turn implies she moves the stars. By all rights, these two ponies should be gods compared to the humans, and their technology should earn them little more than an eye roll.
And yet, somehow, they can’t even defend themselves against one measly little gryphon attack. I can’t tell you just how much “not buying it” I have for this story.
Then there’s this absurd suggestion that the gryphons, who don’t even have modern technology, are a legitimate threat that the humans with their spacefaring warship in orbit overhead can’t immediately turn into so many craters with a yawn. Worse, the gryphons all get front row seats as the humans, on two separate occasions, destroy a half-dozen of their military airships in the blink of an eye, and still act like they have a fighting chance. And let’s not forget that the gryphons and minotaur are suddenly, randomly, engaging in a bid for global domination after 900 years of peace, coincidentally coinciding with the arrival of the Tuscany. The author essentially manufactures threats for the humans by rewriting all sense of reality regarding spacefaring vs. semi-modern races in order to produce an illusion of conflict.
I haven’t even started on the plot holes, yet. Hey, remember that moment when the gryphons used magic-infused clouds to severely damage that one human spaceship? Apparently, The DM doesn’t, because five minutes later over a dozen similar spaceships fly through the same clouds without a scratch.
There’s also the tired clichés, such as Luna’s “oh, woe is me, the ponies don’t love me! But hey, these humans are way friendlier (because humans >>> ponies), I’ll spend all my time with them from now on!”
Then we get to the video-gamey feel of the events, as nobody reacts to anything with a modicum of realism. This is most obvious in a mid-story flashback where some soldiers are pinned down by the Covenant in a desperate fight for survival. One soldier is brutally killed, and what does the guy next to him do? He cracks a joke. Because that’s exactly the kind of reaction we have when a comrade-in-arms two feet away from us takes a bullet to the head.
Then we get to the clunky writing style. It is regularly repetitive, frequently mistakes its homophones, struggles with comma placement, and leans on Tell like a crutch.
I’m sorry to say it, but I didn’t enjoy this. In fact, I spent most of the time frustrated. I have a sudden appreciation for the arguments of the naysayers of Frequency, as I think I now know how they feel. I give kudos to the author for writing something so large and finishing the story, and I can appreciate the overarching intentions. But this is not a story for anyone who thinks even remotely about the realities of what is happening, pays attention to the background, or cares about realistic character behavior.
If you’re an attentive reader, you will notice a lot of issues, and that will severely hinder your appreciation of this story. Then again, if you’re looking to see a lot of contrived action sequences and just don’t want to pay attention to the details of whatever is happening from chapter-to-chapter, you may get something out of this. But for me, this was an all-around miss.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Nosflutteratu
14,793 Words
By Charcoal Quill
It’s been a perfectly fine, pleasant day in Ponyville. Almost a week since anything untoward has happened. Twilight, wanting to keep that streak of peace and quiet going, decides to spend the day with Fluttershy. But while having lunch with her friend, she discovers that Fluttershy is a vampire. Even stranger still, everyone already knows this. Now Twilight has to wrap her head around this new fact.
I have a number of themes and concepts that I enjoy disproportionately more than others. I think of them as my guilty pleasures. Weird tales, Big Mac Gets All The Mares, and Shipfics, just to name a few. One particular guilty pleasure that I only rarely indulge in: Fluttershy is a vampire. So naturally, I couldn’t not read this story.
The first thing I note about this story is how surprisingly show-like it is. No, that’s not accurate; more like how ‘normal’, I suppose. It really is a slice-of-life piece before anything else, with a few dashes of comedy. It mostly focuses on Twilight… well, twilighting (fun fact: Google considers “twilighting” a word now). She goes through the usual motions of panic, excessive research, ridiculous conclusions, and talking to each of her friends one at a time about the subject.
I thoroughly enjoyed the result. I mean, really, Charcoal Quill did the best they could to cover as many bases as possible. Rarity wearing shipping goggles and practicing her marshmelodrama, Applejack telling it like it is, Pinkie being Pinkie and surprisingly wise at the same time, Rainbow going beyond the call of duty for her best friend, Twilight driving herself to almost do something stupid in her near-panic, and Fluttershy being the most adorably shy and innocent creature of the night you’ve ever met. But really, the conversation with Pinkie Pie was my favorite scene, it was just so well done in terms of character voice.
The only caveat in all of this is that the story was written in December 2012, so it of course doesn’t account for anything beyond, say, Apple Family Reunion. Character personalities, particularly Fluttershy’s, are still stuck in Season 3. But Charcoal Quill caught their Season 3 personalities more or less perfectly, so as long as you can acknowledge the timing it should all be good.
I went into this expecting something silly. What I got was a surprisingly good look at the given scenario, taken more seriously and with greater skill that I ever would have anticipated. This definitely deserves all the attention it’s garnered. If you’re not among the ~34k people who have read this as of this review, do yourself a favor and give it a go.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Honest Diamonds
6,092 Words
By Applety
Shortly after the near-disastrous fashion show in Honest Apple, Rarity overhears Apple Bloom complaining that Applejack has sequestered herself in the west orchard and refuses to come home. Curious and worried, she heads out to see what is wrong with her friend.
This is about as cliché a romance story as you can get. Seriously, just start listing to yourself the tropes. I guarantee you’ll identify a large number of them as they appear in this story. Denial of attraction for both parties, refusal to rely on others for help, the teary-eyed confession, and so on. Really, if you’ve read any traditional romance, you know what happens in this one. Which means that Applety needs to really bring their A-game in the writing department to sell this.
Alas, they do not.
The story is telly in the extreme, making little to no use of visuals. It’s also annoyingly and consistently repetitive. I don’t know how many times the narrative repeated what the dialogue already told us, almost word-for-word at times. The narrative is plain, and little effort is made to produce mood or atmosphere.
RariJack is the OTP. But even the OTP can’t be sold with plotlines so common they become boring coupled by a narrative that makes no effort to sell it. Applety needs to learn how to Show events in stories, how to develop the atmosphere and mood of a piece to descriptions and narrative voice, and find ways to make the plot into something other than the most basic, tired elements of the given genre.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
First Day Terror
3,038 Words
Mark Garg von Herbalist failed to provide cover art.
Fluttershy is starting her first day at Hearty’s Jr., a fast food burger joint, and her supervisor thinks it’s a good idea to put her on the to-go front. This would be fine if her very first customer wasn’t the most belligerent asshole that ever wanted a burger.
This is, essentially, the author showing the reader the horror that is the restaurant business. I’ve never worked in the fast food industry, my experience was more of the sit-down variety, but I can say with confidence that I never want to do it again. Mark Garg captures only some of the issues I’ve known, specifically managerial idiocy and disrespectful clientele, but captures them well.
As much as you’ll feel bad for Fluttershy, and I’m sure every person who reads this will wish they could be there to make her feel better, I’m far more interested in knowing what the second most desirable girl in Canterlot High is going to do. A shame we weren’t allowed to see it.
...I’m also wondering who the first most desirable girl would be, at least by the second’s estimate.
I’d like to hope this story would be a wake-up call for potential readers to be more respectful to their waiters, but that’s probably too much to ask for. Those of us who know what it’s like, though, will probably get something out of this. I’m curious to read the sequels, if only to find out how Fluttershy deals with these kinds of things once she has some experience under her belt.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Strange Music of Octavia
3,293 Words
By Redback Spino
In this Weird Tale, we are introduced to a nameless narrator who, as a student at Canterlot Academy, made his home on a little known street and became neighbors with Octavia Melody. Every night, Octavia would play some strange music that he swore could never come from any real instrument.
As is typical of this genre, the Need to Know crowd will be repulsed by questions unanswered. This story, intended as a tribute to H.P. Lovecraft, will answer nothing. It’s all creepiness and oddities in which Octavia plays her music for some indecipherable reason to some equally indecipherable horror.
The story’s buildup is pretty slow, such that you’ve been through at least half of it before things start getting legit creepy. Even so, I think it does decently as a piece of Weird fiction. Not as good as some of the stories in this sub-genre I’ve read, but certainly decent enough on its own merits. Give it a read if you're feeling like something dark and mysterious.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
DownFall — WHYRTY?
Who's That Knocking at the Door? — Pretty Good
Nightmares
1,217 Words
Kodeake failed to provide cover art.
Twilight keeps having nightmares about all her friends dying in the grip of Lord Tirek. Sometimes she wakes up and can’t distinguish the nightmare from reality. She did save her friends… didn’t she?
This story is little more than a reveal piece. On the one hand, I don’t feel like it did enough to emphasize the situation – that is to say, the atmosphere and mood of the events. On the other, maybe I’m being too critical considering what the author does give us, which by itself is pretty serious. I just can’t help but feel Kodeake’s methods are too direct to have the impact they are going for.
Not a bad story, per se. I’d argue it’s probably the best I’ve read by this author so far. But I feel Kodeake still leans too much on Tell to be as effective as they could be.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Just a Joke — Worth It
Tomorrow — Worth It
She Said No — Needs Work
Hair of the Sister Who Bit You
1,909 Words
By Rao the Red Sun
Apple Bloom grabs some of the family’s cider to share with her friends during a sleepover at Rarity’s. What she doesn’t know is that Applejack put in that bottle some 40-proof… well, Applejack. Now it’s morning and Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash are preparing to help the girls through their very first hangover.
Going into this, I had no idea what to expect. The description only states that Applejack made a mistake, but not what, so you’re forced to go in blind. This is one instance where I think a bit more transparency would have helped get the story some attention.
But in the end, the story doesn’t really do anything. Applejack feels guilty, the CMC are miserable. The end. There’s some bits in there about how AJ was trying to recreate something her parents liked to do in their off time (i.e. make alcohol), but it doesn’t amount to much. I’m not entirely sure if there was supposed to be a theme or purpose to the story. It just… sort of… happens.
On the one hand, I really like how Rao writes the characters and uses Show to demonstrate mood and action. But we need something that represents an actual story before I’d be willing to rate this highly on my bookshelves.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Inquiry — Worth It
Fiery Incantation
18,569 Words
By SapphireStarlightPony
A strange curse has descended upon Ponyville, leading to ponies turning into dragons. Applejack takes it upon herself to organize some sort of response, since all the usual ponies who should be doing that are otherwise occupied.
This is one of those stories where silly things happen for silly reasons, often with characters behaving in quirky and nonsensical ways just to up the humor factor. If it were an episode, I’d compare it to something like Over a Barrel or A Bird in the Hoof. Good examples include characters not recognizing one another for no apparent reason, Granny Smith conveniently forgetting about the curse despite being a dragon herself, and Spike not caring at all about the ongoing crisis.
In Spike’s defense, Ponyville suffers a crisis about once a week, so…
Anyway, this is a story that you should absolutely not take seriously. A lot of the things that happen make no sense (apparently the Everfree Forest is between the Golden Oaks Library and Sweet Apple Acres, for example), plot threads are left dangling all over the place (Fluttershy and the Crusaders chief among them), and the question of how this was allowed to happen in the first place remains completely unanswered (and shows a horrifying breach in National Security). If you want to enjoy it, you’d best turn your brain off, because any thinking about anything happening in the story will immediately kill the fun for you.
Provided you can remove your thinking cap for a while, you might find this entertaining. Personally, I prefer my humor to make sense. That said, watching Rarity’s marshmelodrama was highly entertaining. I do kinda wish Pinkie could have had more time as a dragon so we could see what kind of antics she’d get up to. And the CMC. And I doubt anyone will say “no” to a Dragon Derpy that breathes bubbles instead of fire. So yeah, the story certainly has its moments.
I’m willing to put this on the middle ground. It’s nonsensical aspects throw me off, but I think it makes up for it in overall charm.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Featherfall — Pretty Good
The Sanctuary of Lights — Worth It
Glimmery Glam
2,202 Words
By _Moonshot
Requested by Super Trampoline
When Starlight Glimmer gets turned to… well, not exactly stone, Twilight calls upon rock expert Maud Pie and sand expert Desert Star for a cure.
This is a feghoot, and quite the feghoot it is. Did it make me cringe? Yes. Did it make me smile? Also yes. When it comes to feghoots, do you need anything else? No, no you don’t. The setup is a little long, but I think most readers will be forgiving. And it’s written well enough on the whole that it makes me interested in seeing some more from this author’s library.
Well done, _Moonshot. Well done, indeed.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Encore of Clover the Clever
5,031 Words
By Ice Star
Sequel to The Symphony of Dawn
Clover the Clever should be dead. Seeing as she’s an atheist, the only logical thing would be for her to become nothing. Instead, she finds she is still ‘something’, and has apparently entered an afterlife of sorts. She is not pleased with this.
This story is… peculiar. It spends most of its time having Clover thrust around the afterlife, denying any of it is real (in the Gods’ faces, no less), and generally being a narrow-sighted, inflexible individual with few apparent redeeming qualities. Then one of the Gods, after telling Clover she is entirely unqualified to do a certain job, proceeds to offer her that job.
I’m not sure what Ice Star was trying to do here. It’s possible that Clover is meant to be gradually coming to accept her new circumstance and reality, but there’s nothing in the story itself to suggest as such. Clover doesn’t seem to grow at all by the time the story is over, which is why Elysium’s proposal at the end is so perplexing.
It could be that Ice Star wrote this purely for the worldbuilding aspect and Clover’s actions were merely an excuse to make that happen. I can’t say for sure. All I can say is that I left this story more confused than anything. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a bad story. Perhaps if I’d read the primary series the story was based on I’d understand things a bit better. Good news, then, that the first story in that series is coming up relatively soon for review.
I won’t rate this highly, but neither will I rate it low. I’d rather put it on the middle ground and trust that this will make more sense in time.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Autophobia — Pretty Good
Tear the Sky Asunder — Pretty Good
Bathophobia — Worth It
Defining Features — Worth It
The Symphony of Dawn — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Troubles Over Hot Chocolate by Regocomics
From One Unicorn to Another by Comet Burst
Under the Willow by Orbiting Kettle
Parting Ways by Lady Froey
Rain by Piece Bot
Full.Stop by LackLustre
I'm All Alone by FourShadow
Twilight vs. The Narrator by Snake Staff
Boot Hoot's by Doug Graves
The Edge of Madness by SaltyJustice
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Well, know that your time spent reading Voidrunner was not in vain, as I got a kick out of you conveying your dissatisfaction.
Actually, I kinda wonder why you reviewed Encore of Clover before the first in the primary series. Or at least before reading it. To be fair, I'm honesty not sure if I would have done any different though.
It's funny, I saw Nosflutteratu on the list and went, "Oh yeah, that was good, as I recall."
Yet not only have I never actually read the story, it wasn't even on my RIL. c.c; Thanks for helping me correct that oversight!
Another week where I haven't read any, but at least I'm familiar with a couple of the authors.
5219048
I must acknowledge that negative reviews do tend to be the most fun to read.
5219095
That would be because Symphony of Dawn has nothing in its description alerting potential readers to the fact it is connected to a larger series.
5219098
I know that feeling. Sometimes I'll see a story is written by an author and I'll be like "Yeah, that guy's good!" Then I check my archives and am surprised to find I haven't read anything by them.
5219155
Sounds like you need to read more. Who needs a job, family, and social life when you have ponies?
5219372
It's shameful people are treating this thing as they are. It's not like getting it is a death sentence. If you're young and healthy in the most general sense imaginable, there's practically zero risk even if you do catch it. The flu is more dangerous, and people actively avoid taking vaccines for that, yet they're treating this thing like it's already killed millions.
Like I said, it just feels like it's being treated way disproportionate to its actual threat. I understand people don't want to get sick, but we're not talking about the plague, here.
5219400
But that's why we have people like you, who read that stuff for me and talk about it in convenient summary form!
5219406
I don't think that's accurate.
For starters, the latest numbers we have out of South Korea, which is a first world country with a lot of modern medical treatment and full cooperation with the CDC and WHO, is showing a .7% fatality rate. The yearly flu floats at below .1%. So yes, this is seven times deadlier than the flu. Anyone who's immunocompromised or has a condition like asthma, to say nothing of a heavy smoker, is at severe risk.
There's another aspect of it to consider. About 20% of people who catch it in these first-world countries are ending up in dire enough straights that they're sent to an ICU. And with a disease as contagious as this is, combined with how it spreads (you're contagious for five days before you show any symptoms, which is frankly horrifying) and the fact that this is a new disease, so no one has any antibodies, leading to a near 100% infection rate. means this thing can sweep through people like a wildfire a dry field.
And that's the problem. Because someone who's infected and doesn't even know it infects their cousin with asthma, or their friend with cancer. Then 20% of the people they've exposed need to go to the ICU, and 20% of the people they've seen need to go to the ICU, and suddenly there's a massive rush on hospitals. 20% of the US is sixty million people. We do not have the medical capacity for that, especially if it were to happen in a single few-week period. Which means many of those people that couldn't make it to an ICU would probably die.
We effectively are talking about a plague because almost everyone is going to catch this based on current infection rates. It's not a question of "if" but "when" and that's why the WHO and CDC are taking steps to slow the spread. The state governor and CDC were very clear about this yesterday: It won't stop it, but it will make it take longer and stagger the effects so that medical services and industry aren't utterly overwhelmed.
Sands, the definition of a plague is just "a contagious disease that causes a fever or infects the lungs." Covid-19 actually does fit that.
5222196
No, no, thank you for writing it! The writing it is always harder than the reviewing, trust me on this.
This was an awesome surprise to come back to after about three months in hiatus :O
I am totally honored about the rating, haha. That was the first story I've written, like ever... didn't even know the first thing about storytelling back then
Thank you so much for the kind words and for taking time to review it. I sincerely appreciate it!