I read. I write. I edit. I Twidash. But above all else, I'm just a regular guy. Shoot me a PM if you have a question.
Twilight's lived in Canterlot castle as a princess for years now, but something's changed. The guards give her funny looks behind her back, and it seems liked Celestia' started avoiding her. Her marefriend, Rainbow Dash, assures her nothing's wrong; that she's just over-thinking things. But she knows something changed, and it all started when Rainbow took her vacation from the Wonderbolts to spend some time with Twilight in Canterlot.
Ignores all canon after Twilight's Coronation.
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This is soooo good. For the longest time I thought maybe the whole lesbian relationship was the problem. I wasn't till Twilight fell asleep that I realized the other option. Such perfect timing.
Hmm... It's well written that's for sure but I can't help feeling as if it's 'just another Twilight coping badly with RD's passing shipfic'... Maybe it's because there's a lot of these kinds of fics out there but I already suspected Dash was already dead since they talked about the guards and after Celestia's scene, I knew what had happened to RD.
Still. Kudos for a well written chapter, this is the first time I've seen one of these stories write about the Princesses attempts to snap Twilight out of it, so I'm kinda looking forward to it.
How interesting, I'm curious to see what it takes for twilight to wake up to reality.
I'm not sure if theres a good way to break it to someone that a loved one is dead.
Is there ever going to be a Twidash where both Twilight and Rainbow Dash are alicorns? I assume they are rare, as I have not seen one yet.
5881421
Click this. Right here. The ending involves TwiDash alicorns.
Well, if you were using this as a practice in foreshadowing, you did a very good job at it. I had a hunch at the beginning with Rainbow's statue and Dash herself appearing next to Twilight, mostly because I couldn't for the life of me figure out any sort of reason why she would get a statue.
Kudos also for keeping my interest throughout the story. This isn't the first story of this type I've seen or read that deals with Twilight unable to cope with a character death, with some kind of immortality thing mixed in. Also one thing, and this is just a bit nitpicking, but it doesn't feel right to have Twilight call Rainbow "Dashie." I don't know, I don't think I ever wrote it like that because it always sounded somewhat cheesy and not something she'd say ya know?
But overall, you did a fine job building up to the reveal at the end. Great work!
DJRD
Yeah, as soon as dash showed up after that statue was mentioned, I knew exactly where this was going.
Your foreshadowing has gotten better, and I hope to see more from ya.
I saw two things wrong here:
After the first "Just" you have four ellipsis. Minus one.
"eve" should be "even"
Well, that's all the mistakes I saw... that and I don't know what the hell just happened. But I want a sequel, or a prequel, or a pre-sequel
5881406 Twi knows she's dead, she just won't let Rainbow go.
5881538 But that's a dead story
5881421 Um, I've read one, but it's rated mature...
5882036 I am twenty four years old. I can handle mature.
5882039 Same here *high five*, now, let me look for it and i'll link you in Private
5882044 Very well.
Wow, and I thought Celestia was just being overprotective...
This was very nicely done.
Although I try to stay away from sad fics, I do like the immortalized Twilicorn ship fic idea. It certainly puts Twilicorn shipping to a different level.
I Did Not Need My Skill As A Prophet To Know How This Was Going To End. I Could Tell From The Foreshadowing Alone.
Best Regards,
Prophet_Of_Madness
Not bad at all! A few nitpicks, first of all,
Perhaps you meant of? Second, I loved how you started, the guards' small ticks, but remember,you need to get progressively more obvious with your foreshadowing. I caught on to what was happening when Celestia mentioned Rainbow the way she did, I would have exchanged that scene with the morning guard scene to try and keep the reader guessing. Good job regardless,though you may want to find a proofreader for grammar, I didn't read through this thoroughly enough to catch more than what I did.
fucking sad twidash stories not being obvious until half way through the fucking thing! making me feel and stuff!
Dang, that's sad.
Wait... So the reason the guards were whispering behind her back, and Celestia was avoiding her was because the whole time Twilight thought Dash was alive, in her world? While in reality, Dash died? Being immortal sucks. The feels are coming in.
I NEVER read sad stories for a reason *even if I write them sometimes
*... You made me cry!! How dare you, you mean writer!! QAQ
Ok, now to the serious part, that was just the drama of the day
I loved the story! Too sad, but so cute, and it made me think about a lot of stuff, good job, dear Sr.!
That's the reason why I follow you
5887335 Well have you at least read Remembrance Day by Grand_Moff_Pony?
5885053 *evil grin*
5887200 No, Twilight just didn't want to let her go and, yeah...
I thought
even
_____________
Wow ... so all of her friends died ... that's utterly depressing. A part of me wants to see Celestia's talk with Twilight, but this being a one shot I'm resigned to that question being unanswered. Even if it would be interesting to see. Still good fic.
Wait, ehat about that alleged incident where the guards tackled Rainbow when she kissed her? Was that before she died?
I knew it she was dead!
or am i turning crazy???
I don't mean to sound like a dick man, but I saw it coming basically from the beginning. The biggest clue towards it was probably even the mention of the statue in the beginning. The description instantly put the image of Rainbow Dash in my mind, and well, the rest just confirmed what I already knew.
Keep at it though mate, good foreshadowing needs a lot of subtlety, unfortunately some stuff just screamed out "RAINBOW DASH IS DEAD." If I didn't already know, I would have by the time you got to the whole immortality talk, and Twi being bothered by Rainbow's talk about death.
While it was a bit obvious that Rainbow Dash was dead, I could tell from the statue and story tags, it was still a good story and I definitely enjoyed it. On a side-note I did not expect them all to be dead and it was 70+ years in the future. I just assumed Dash died in some Wonderbolt related accident and Twilight refused to let go. Good practice at foreshadowing and keep practicing!
Good story, well written and didn't make me cringe or roll my eyes even once. Very well done, been a while since I read a story that didn't in some way make me cringe :)
That said maybe I can share some of my own thoughts that maybe you or someone that reads this comment can use.
I think the sad tag covers the story more than well enough that you don't need the dark tag at all. Not only does the dark tag not fit but in many ways the dark tag gives away a lot of the story. It's important to tag a story correctly and not under-tag but the same is true for over-tagging a story.
I think that for foreshadowing to work you need to kinda 'lie' to your readers. Not out right lies of course but omissions are perhaps important. Also when it comes to the emotions and thoughts of the main character, keep in mind that she can be lying to herself and because you are telling the story from her pov that means that she is lying to your readers. I already figured it out midway through the 2nd paragraph, due to her being sad but there not being a reason for her to be sad. You need something to throw off your readers early on, rather than tip them off early on. A way to cement the idea that nothing is wrong early means that any indication that things are NOT right soon after will give the feeling of 'something is wrong but don't know what' rather than 'oh something big is wrong and I think I know what'.
That said some people are harder to trick and depending on what stories they frequently read can be tipped of sooner or later or not at all.
Edit: Oh btw I did not pick up on the fact that the other element bearers were dead at all and is a good example of omission. When the story talked about the other statues at the end, only then did I realize it.
6207394
The beginning is, undoubtedly, the weakest part of this. Were I to rewrite it, the only clue I'd give in the first couple paragraphs is the halo thing on the statue. That being said, the reason the beginning was so weak was because this started as nothing more than a practice in foreshadowing. I rewrote the beginning numerous times using different clues. Originally this was supposed to last about 3 paragraphs before the reveal, which is why it seems so obvious. When it grew into a full story, I just never went back to give it a proper opening. It was kind of a spur of the moment type of thing.
I still need a lot of practice in many fields like foreshadowing, but the progress through the story is, to me, plain as day. The beginning was pretty blatant, honestly, but towards the end I started to get a little more subtle, while still also building up tot he reveal. I didn't do perfect, but considering what it was, I'm happy with the progress.
Also yes, I know I tend to use the dark tag a bit liberally. I blame my over-active imagination; most of my dar tags are added to open-ended stories to cover my own "what if" fantasies.
Honestly I'm surprised so many people seemed to like it.
A story has many components. Speaking for myself the quality of the writing is one of the more important components and is why I made specific mention of how generally well written this story is and is perhaps a reason why others like it too. I can fill in plot holes and suspend disbelief and run with ideas but I have a lot of trouble getting through bad writing, because reasons :P
What... the... fuck...
That was so awesome!
... What?
But, tomorrow doesn't exist, now does it? It's technically always today!
I understood what happend at this point
and it took 10 minutes for me to calm my feelings and not start crying
out of ten, like and fav.
10
Best of luck
Even now after all this time it still makes me cry
Ok, now you have to make an alternate ending where either the memory spell doesn't work, or she regains her memory. It must happen. I command it. That fucking bitch doesn't get to mind fuck someone and get away with it.
7235108 I definitely, absolutely and vociferously agree.
Yes, Twilight was lost to her grief, but she has the right to be. Rainbow was her wife, and Celestia had absolutely NO right to wipe her mind like that.
That's why I hate her in stories like this.
It's also why I will never, even if I knuckle under, follow canon (fat chance; I don't like Twi AS an alicorn, even though I've pretty much accepted this nonsense at this point) and make Twi an alicorn in my fics (don't hold your collective breaths in that one, though), make her immortal.
Never!!!
But anyway, putting this story back on "Tracking".
Just in case.
7235108 Agreed. Ever heard of grief counseling, Celestia? It tends to work, and it's a heap more ethical than the invasion and rape of somebody's mind.
Just a thought.
7235138 And it's a good thought.
She's just so used to doing what she wants to (and damn the consequences!), when she wants to do it, that she just ignores everything, and everyone, else.
Makes me wonder how Luna would react to what she did to Twilight.
7235108
7235129
7235138 Okay so..... everyone's ignoring that Twilight LITERALLY was going to be driven insane by this right? That eventually we would've had another Nightmare Moon on a more COLOSSAL scale since she more then likely would've tried Necromancy to raise the dead..... this was the only way that Twilight would've moved on. Oh and as of counseling? She would've said what the counselor would've wanted to hear. Twilight is smart like that. Say what you will but Twilight would NOT have moved on with her life. At all.
7235173 I'm not ignoring anything. Grief counseling is meant to deal with such problems. The idea would be helping Twilight cope with the loss of her wife through coming to terms with her situation.
Not, you know, forcibly violating her mind and erasing her memories.
You can claim Twilight would just have lied to a counselor, but such people aren't idiots, and honestly we have literally no way of knowing. That's a poor attempt to justify mind rape.
Which can never be justified anyway.
7235150 Not kindly, I should think. I could see maybe Discord telling her, or re-inserting Twilight's memories.
7235184 Oh sure. Then lets leave the self destructing lavender Alicorn with enough power to kill a power sucking minotaur roaming around who's smart enough to not only cover her tracks but also vanish like a ghost. She would ignore what the counselor is saying because then that would be tampering with her memories of Rainbow Dash. They TRIED being reasonable at first but she didn't care. She wanted to go insane because 'I love Rainbow' and was completely selfish.
Ugh. Ew. No.
Firstly, I thought we were done with these stupid "Twilight outlives her friends" fics.
Second, seriously, that ending? Celestia literally erases her best memories of RD from Twilight's mind? That is in no way the right thing to do. Have you never heard of therapy?
Sheesh.
7235173 No, I'm not, and its' the principle of the thing here. What Sunbutt did was mind rape, pure and simple.
She can shed all the tears that she wants to, but the fact remains that she knowingly violated the mind and memories of the pony that she supposedly loves and cares for.
Sorry, that's just the way I feel, so this is one thing that you and I (and some others, apparently) are just going to have to agree to disagree on.
7235184 Yeah, I agree,
And I didn't think of Discord (who'd probably be just as cheesed off at her as Luna would be), but that could be.
7235189 Evidently not, despite what the show's producers (who would know this sort of thing more than we would, I would think) have said.
And I totally agree with you on the ending.
7235187 And if you're talking about Tirek, he was a centaur, not a minotaur.
7235206 Okay. Apparently people want a Zombie Apocalypse lead by a Lich Twilight. That's cool. Totally ignoring that this was because Twilight was incapable of moving on but okay.
7235208 Either way. Same rules apply.
7235211 As I said, agree to disagree.
I'm not getting into a fight with you over our varying opinions on this point, Vamp. I like you too much for that.
7235215 Sorry. I'm kind of a purist.
Considering the time between Rainbow's death and when Celestia 'fixed' the problem, it really comes across as Celestia being unable to see Twilight suffering decides to erase Twilight's memories because she (Celestia) is feeling bad.
Three months of depression is nothing, especially when you factor in it's someone's wife/husband.