Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCV · 10:16pm Feb 20th, 2020
Wish you people would quit using WEBM files for cover art. Those things are so friggen annoying.
And we’re back with another week of review goodness. The past couple weeks have been pretty good for me writing-wise. When I started this month my daily wordcount average was at around 1,500, which isn’t bad at all. But today I find myself closing in on 1,900. That might not seem like much to most of you, but believe me, you run the numbers and it translates into a very productive February. Here’s hoping I can keep it up for a while.
In the meantime, I’ve been looking at my progress for Bulletproof Heart: Famous Last Words. The more I look at it, the more I think it would be beneficial to release it in two parts. I even know exactly where I’d want to end the first part, as that’s a pretty easy decision to make. The only catch is that I’ll have to go into my planning docs and reorganize some events so that Part 1 and Part 2 aren’t wildly disproportionate in size relative to one another. I intend to go through that reorganization as soon as I finish the current chapter, which hopefully won’t be too much longer.
Of course, this means the next BPH will be released a lot sooner than I’ve been expecting. But don’t go getting all excited just yet; I’ll still have to write the remainder, then go back through the story and correct anything written prior so it aligns with the rearrangement, then get a pack of prereaders to tell me everything I did wrong, and I still need to get the cover art. There’s a lot to do yet. Even so, it’s starting to look like 2020 is the year we’ll finally see that sequel come out.
In the meantime, who wants some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Aubade by TheJediMasterEd
Somewhere Out There by Allonsbro
Heart Nom by N00813
The Element of Harmony by Imperaxum
The Party Is Over by SpaceCommie
Minuette's Lesson by Airstream
Don't Grow Up Too Fast, My Child by Flutterpriest
There Something Wriggles by Slate Sadpony
At the Swimmin' Hole by SockPuppet
The Unexpected Adventures of Sparky Selene, Professional Pornstar by AliceLiz
Total Word Count: 85,231
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 3
None: 0
Aubade
3,781 Words
By TheJediMasterEd
When Pinkie grew attracted to eccentric noblepony Bertie, a few ponies were alarmed. Most notably, Bertie’s butler and (presumed) father figure Hooves and Pinkie’s former teacher and concerned friend, Cheerilee. Imagine their mutual surprise when, in trying to look after the younger ponies, they find something special in one another.
This was adorable. Just plain up adorable. It centers on the relationship of Cheerilee and Hooves (not that Hooves), which by the time the story has begun is quite… “heated”. Focusing heavily on Show, Aubade provides us with a delightful display of atmosphere, mood, and personality. Make no mistake, this is a love story, but it is a well made love story. It manages to squeeze into ~4,000 words what would require most authors three times as much space without the story ever feeling rushed or hard to follow.
This is excellent. Anyone looking for an example of how to properly use Show, here’s your story.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Beneath your feet, what Treasures — Pretty Good
Somewhere Out There
1,105 Words
By Allonsbro
Two ponies look to the moon and wonder if their lover is doing the same.
The moment I saw the title and the cover art, I knew what this would be about. The moment I read the description, I knew Allonsbro had probably made a big mistake. The story is as direct and blatant as can be and likely doesn’t need any greater summary than what is stated above. It ends up, as anticipated, with the two ponies singing the titular song.
Now, I’m going to give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume they know the origins of the song. But for you young whippersnappers with your Playstation 360’s and Twitterbooks, Somewhere Out there originated from the 1986 Steven Spielburg/Don Bluth film An American Tale, which was a staple of my childhood. The movie is about a mouse child who immigrates from the Ukraine in 1886, gets separated from his family, and survives on his own in New York while seeking out said family. The song is one of the most memorable moments in the movie and – here’s the thing – is sung by the boy and his sister. So it’s a song about siblings hoping to see one another again. The song still holds up well today and, if you know the story behind it, can be very touching.
But it can also easily be confused as a traditional love song.
I think the mistake Allonsbro made was to try and take something that will mean a lot to the people who get its origins and reduced it to a mere 1,000-word love story. At worst it’s gimmicky and at best it’s a genuine but misplaced attempt at being a tribute to something big. And it’s clear that Allonsbro expects us to know the song and, more than likely, it’s origins given how the story is written.
But you can’t take something with this much background depth, put it in a romance with no real purpose and which does nothing, and expect it to amount to much. We don’t have time to know Lovestruck and Crescent, we have no reason to root for them or be touched by their circumstances (which indeed aren’t much to write home about), and them singing the song feels arbitrary.
In summation: you can’t attach something big to something that isn’t and expect it to make that thing big, too. The story doesn’t stand on its own merits. Allonsbro would have been better served spending another couple thousand words showing who these characters really are rather than throwing the song in and hoping it would make all the difference. For anyone who doesn’t know the song? This story has nothing going for it. And that’s a problem.
All that being said, I can’t blame Allonsbro for wanting to create a story around the song. That alone isn’t a bad idea. But I’d recommend being a little more ambitious about it and, perhaps, honoring the source material a little more. Two ponies in love separated for a brief time by a job doesn’t hold a candle to two siblings lost in an unknown and cruel world with no guarantee of ever seeing one another again.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Card for Twist — Worth It
Through luck and skill, Greg the Changeling has managed to avoid the worst impact of the Love Bomb that ejected his kin from Canterlot. Now on his own not far from the city, he’s desperate to find something to feed off of. In a small town he enters a candy shop and, to his surprise, meets a pony that isn’t instantly terrified of him.
This was… curious. It’s largely about two creatures from opposite sides of a long-established conflict defying their expected roles to form a new friendship. The intention is fine, but I’m skeptical about the delivery. It felt too… coincidental? No, that’s not the right word. Contrived is closer, but still not accurate. Regardless, it struck me as though the sudden friendship and even subtle romantic interest existed only because the author decided it must be so, rather than any realistic connection between the two characters.
I could see this working over a long period of time, but as is it moves too quickly to be believable. Couple that with copious technical issues and I’m sorry to say this did little for me. On the plus side, I know this author is capable of better as the material they’ve released since is quite good.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Schemering Sintel — WHYRTY?
A Dragon Whispers Her Name — Pretty Good
The Element of Harmony
7,209 Words
By Imperaxum
Now this is a curious story. Set some unclear time in the future, it shows us a world where there are no princesses and magic is fading from the world. Ponies are, on the whole, lesser beings, to the point that the majority are now “common ponies” with no magic whatsoever. We begin in a Baltimare metropolis with a factory worker telling stories to his little sister before being callously conscripted for war on foreign soil.
By the second sentence, an overwhelming unease and sense of wrongness pervades the story. This uncomfortable sensation only gets worse and worse with every paragraph. It’s made all the more so by how hard it is to grasp why the world is this way. Oh, there’s a story relating to the Tree of Harmony, sure, but there’s an impression that the decline began before that story, possibly due to a loss of leadership and followers of the Elements. Whatever happened, it seems that the race of ponies is dying a slow, unawares death.
Then the ending comes, with the sign of hope and, essentially, revival. But even then, it’s not at all clear just what is going on. What is the Element of Harmony? How has this change come about? Why did things get so bad in the first place?
The frustration stems from a simple decision on the author’s part: we are seeing things from the perspective of a common, unimportant grunt, not some leader who is neck deep in the major elements of the confrontation (no pun intended). And since our unimportant grunt knows nothing about the ‘whats’ and ‘whys’ of these events, neither do we. It’s a curious decision on the author’s part, one which potential readers will either adore or loathe. Either way, it’s very well-written, even if it could have used a proof-reader’s pass.
The Need-To-Know crowd will turn their noses up at this, but I encourage everyone to at least give it a go. It’s a very different story, and for that I give it credit. But whether you’ll like it or not will heavily depend on your personal preferences.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
We're All Grey — Worth It
The Party Is Over
1,412 Words
By SpaceCommie
For reasons that will forever remain a mystery, Twilight Sparkle explains entropy to Pinkie Pie, in particular how it will ultimately lead to the end of all things. Because it’s Pinkie Pie, she has to explain it using parties as a metaphor. Pinkie… doesn’t take it well.
This strikes me as being at its core a character study of Pinkie Pie. It is silly, but also somewhat serious in equal measure. I mean, it’s Pinkie Pie considering the eventual heat death of the universe. What else do you expect? SpaceCommie does a pretty good job channeling Pinkie Pie, which is the story’s primary selling point.
I enjoyed this. It’s more or less exactly what I expected, which is not a bad thing at all. Give it a go if you want to see Pinkie Pie… well, being Pinkie Pie. Also: thank Celestia for the ever-patient Mrs. Cake.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Chompers — Pretty Good
The Pinkie Paradox — Needs Work
Minuette's Lesson
4,367 Words
By Airstream
Sweetie arrives at Rarity’s with a pretty serious injury. Her creator and big sister knows all the things to do to get her back at 100%. Unfortunately, Sweetie has developed some questions, questions Rarity’s been dreading for quite some time.
There’s nothing new about this story’s concept. Android gets built, android gets hurt, android starts questioning the nature of its existence and whether it is really ‘alive’. If you’ve never heard of this before, you clearly don’t do a lot of science fiction. In terms of originality, this story has nothing going for it.
What the story does have going for it is both in its setting and delivery. Airstream doesn’t go into deep detail about this AU, but provides enough to keep me curious. The idea of Rarity is an inventor, roboticist, and expert on artificial intelligence is fascinating all on its own, and I’d love to see a story exploring this in more detail. What little we do get suggests a more advanced Equestria with an entirely different take on the events of the show. The possibilities are significant.
Also important is just how Rarity goes about discussing the subject with Sweetie. I feel Airstream approached this wonderfully, with a story that remains interesting and well-directed. Rarity and Sweetie are effectively voiced and the story turns into a touching sisterly bonding moment. Even if the central premise is ancient, Minuette’s Lesson reminds us that some concepts are common for a reason.
A touching little story. I see no reason not to rate it well.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Dusk's Dangerous Game — Pretty Good
Lines and Webs — Pretty Good
Stormsinger — Pretty Good
Don't Grow Up Too Fast, My Child
1,822 Words
By Flutterpriest
In this little slice-of-life fic, Cadance is woken up in the middle of the night by Flurry Heart’s cries. While tending to the child, it dawns upon Cadance just how big Flurry already is… and how big she will become.
This is little more than a mother thinking of the future that may be in store for her child. It’s short, sweet, and touching. Not really original, but it’s concept is relatable to just about anyone with an appreciation for the constant passage of time or, if we want to be direct, parents.
There’s not much to this, but there doesn’t need to be. Read it if you’re up for a little bit of motherly fluff.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Adopting Fluttershy — Worth It
There Something Wriggles
7,421 Words
Slate Sadpony failed to provide cover art.
When Fluttershy discovers a supposedly mythical creature known as the floogle, she tries to stop a local development project from destroying their natural habitat. Rainbow Dash overhears the ensuing argument with Mayor Mare and decides to intervene.
This story was… Well, it’s honestly hard to describe in one word. Its course is disjointed, bringing up seemingly unrelated topics and never really going anywhere. It starts off with Rainbow supporting Fluttershy, then with an underground hunt for the floogles, then a flood, then a conversation with Twilight, then… yeah, it’s a long, winding path. The ultimate point is something along the lines of “don’t hurt the environment”, along with some worldbuilding regarding why Ponyville is such an unusual place.
I feel that Slate Sadpony could have approached this from a different angle. As it stands, the story is just a series of events, with no one event seeming more important than any other. There’s no starting hook, no rising action, and certainly no climax. And with a narrative that lacks any sort of wit or creative flare, I worry people would even find it boring. Which is a shame, because there are certainly ways to make the topic at hand (hoof?) interesting and fun.
All in all, a bit of a miss for me. If Slate Sadpony could adjust their writing just a smidge to make the narrative more interesting and kept the plotline a bit more focused, then maybe we’ll see some good things out of this author. But this story?
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Life Is Not Fair — Worth It
At the Swimmin' Hole
1,166 Words
By SockPuppet
Requested by Super Trampoline
The Apple Family has to explain to the authorities why Apple Bloom is currently in the hospital.
This is a feghoot, and a cringe-worthy one at that. I think a certain doctor is going to find himself in need of his own hospital’s services after a quip like that.
There’s not much to this one. 99.99% of it is setup for the feghoot, as these things go. It’s decently written in general, it just has a singular purpose. If you can get behind that and don’t mind the pun-ishment (I’m not sorry), then by all means give it a go.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Now that they’ve all graduated, the Rainbooms have to consider the next step of their individual lives. This in mind, most of the girls are travelling for the summer for jobs or other career-centric things. All of them, that is, except for Sunset and Twilight. Feeling like she needs to expand her horizons a bit, Twilight starts looking for a summer job outside her comfort zone. This leads her to applying for and landing a “modeling job” in Miami.
It’s not until she’s already on the plane halfway there that she realizes she just started a career in pornography.
I jumped on this one as soon as I saw it. Twilight Sparkle? Doing porn? Given that I always thought of Twi as being extremely shy about the very idea of sex, the concept is pretty hard to grasp outside of clop, yet from the what I was seeing it looked like AliceLiz was trying to make a sincere story out of the concept. I just had to check it out and see if the author could pull it off.
The first thing potential readers need to realize – and it really threw me for a loop – is that this isn’t the Equestria Girls world you know. The characters are the same, but there’s no Equestrian portal or magic, much less any girls who were formerly ponies. Aside from maintaining the EqG aesthetic and characters, there’s nothing EqG about the story. Sunset, for example, isn’t a pony from another dimension but a girl who ran away from home at the age of fifteen and has, through dedication, hard work, and her new friends in a new town, managed to survive.
The second thing you have to get over is the setup, which is ridiculous. I want to know how in Luna’s name you can see an ad for a porn job and not know that’s what it is for. Granted, I’ve never gone looking for or seen an ad for a porn job, so who knows, maybe they’re wrapped in innuendo or something. Twilight is shown in this story to be amusingly oblivious. But it still seems far-fetched to me.
But past that, what we get is a curious coming-of-age story in which a nervous and uncertain Twilight convinces herself to give this new job a try. Her roommate for the duration is Adagio, who quickly befriends the newbie and takes her under her wing. Twilight soon comes to realize that the job isn’t as bad as she feared.
Of course, this is a story about a brief career in pornography, so there will be detailed sex scenes (four, I think?). But AliceLiz kept things largely appropriate to the moment, with the scenes more focused on Twilight’s growth through them than the sex itself. They’re also how Twilight comes to discover her sexual orientation, which is a critical element of the story’s development.
In the end, I liked it. The story centers heavily on Twilight’s growth as an individual and her expanding horizons. The drama’s purpose shifts as the story goes along, from Twilight’s lack of confidence to her search for something more meaningful in her sexual encounters to, ultimately, realizing that what she’s looking for was never all that far away. It’s a well-rounded piece with a strong delivery that never loses sight of what it’s meant to be.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
Interview with a Batpony by Gulheru
Nothing Shocks Me Anymore by SusieBeeca
Pinprick by SusieBeeca
Crystal Glass Ceilings by Pineta
Sunset Smirks by Fenton
Simple Gestures by Frost Flower
Unicorns Are Magical by wille179
The Mare by stanku
Mine For The Taking by forbloodysummer
Sunburned by Summer Dancer
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Paul's Thursday Reviews CXC
Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCI
Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCIV
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Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CXCVIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CC
TBD
Thanks!
Damn it all, I have to get back in the horseword groove. Why is writing so hard?
No but seriously congrats.
Thanks Paul!
Hmm, haven't read any of these, but a couple of them sure rang a bell for some reason. Maybe I've just read enough Sweetie Bot that they've all started to run together.
I agree with this statement wholeheartedly, even though I wrote this fic
Thanks so much for the review
There is WEBM cover art?
5206766
I just think of myself telling, say, my mother that I increased my daily writing average by 400 words. She'd have no idea what that means in terms of actual productivity.
5206784
The whole Sweetie Bot thing is not something I'm very familiar with. I think this is only the.... third story I've read in relation to it?
5206788
I run across it every once in a while. I get my images directly from the FIMFiction cover art, using the "View Image" option. When I save those images, they save as whatever type the author uploaded, and sometimes that's WEBM. Of course, my image editing tool (irfanview) can't read WEBMs, so I'm forced to take a screenshot, crop out the image, and then save it as something I can use. Talk about annoying.
5207093
Are you sure you don't mean WEBP?
5207098
You're right, I do mean WebP. Doesn't change the end result for me, though.
5207101
The IrfanView plugin set (from https://www.fosshub.com/IrfanView.html) seems to contain a "WebP" plugin. Have you tried that one?
5207104
I'll have to give that a look whenever I get home from work. Thanks!