It's painfully obvious that this is both your first time writing a sexual scene and that you do not read many of them yourself. Least, not any good ones. It was nine ways of awkward, and there was nothing good or okay about it. It was pretty poor, to be truthful. A general rule of sex, unless it is being done solely for purposes of impregnating the mare, should involve some form or sort of foreplay. Magic is definitely NOT a substitute to this. (I actually can't believe you used magic to get her aroused truthfully. I facepalmed so fucking hard when I read that) It's not a rule, more of a guideline, really. However, you should do some more reading of some sex scenes from other stories, or just completely remove sex from the story. As it stands now, you're only going to shoot yourself in the foot.
If you're not up to reading, if you do something along the lines of one playing with the other, then flip it, then the act of sex, while not great, it'll work a LOT better than this pathetic scene did. It... was painful to read.
I'm sorry you were disappointed by this chapter. I'll try harder to make the clop better in the future.
Just wanted to clarify a few things.
1. It was not my intention to use magic to make Celestia aroused. She did that naturally by thinking...certain thoughts.
2. The reason it feels awkward is because the scene is awkward for Thunder. He's new to this and doesn't know the intricacies of love-making. That will be addressed in the future.
Again, I'm sorry to anger you. I just wanted to show you where I was coming from.
Thanks for reading and I hope you give the story another chance.
I was brought here by this upstanding gentleman(2977285), and I have to say that this is... Well... Sub par. I am by no means a prolific clop writer, but I can say that this was poorly executed to be kind. You had very little in the way of actual description of the act, and that is, for clop, the most important part. What you need to realize, is that clop needs to be descriptive in order to get the point across. If you had glazed over the sex by simply saying: "And then they had sex." you would've accomplished the exact same thing. Also, as spacecowboy pointed out, using magic as a means of getting aroused is... It's really pretty awful in nearly every way. It cheapens the act, and makes it clear that Celestia isn't really interested. If she was, she wouldn't need magic to become aroused at the prospect of sex. The total sex scene is no more than five hundred words, being generous, and it lacks any form of real arousal on either party's side. The point you need to make when writing clop is that there is something passionate taking place. Or, failing that, erotic. This had neither. If you need a good example of some clop, feel free to look up some of Fonder Words, by Jet Howitzer. I wrote, and edited, that piece, and it's not the best out there, but at least it's got more substance than this.
Please, for the love of whatever deity you choose, improve your clop writing skills before trying another clop piece.
2977673 Okay, we need to dive deeper it seems and further clarify as to why this scene failed. I see you tried to give some explanations behind your choice of why you went about it this way, but I feel like I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't properly elaborate further. Mind, I'm not doing this out of any sort of pettiness, but attempting to address extremely valid concerns that you can hopefully look at and learn from. I had a few mentor figures when I first went about writing sex, so I had people to fall back on and help guide me. Simply looking to hopefully offer some further insight. Also, I was not angry. To address your replies first.
1. It was not my intention to use magic to make Celestia aroused. She did that naturally by thinking...certain thoughts.
"Just a minute." she said as she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. Small droplets of clear liquid began to form as her folds reddened, her scent becoming heady and full of promise. "There. I'm ready."
Okay, so it wasn't quite magic. However, arousal, especially to the point where 'droplets of clear liquid' become visible, simple does not happen within a breath. Arousal is something that a woman has to work up towards if she's not fully there yet. while guys have the plus of being able to see/think something sexy and almost immediately become hard, for a female to get to the point where they have liquid flowing... it takes foreplay and time. Guy typically gets off MUCH quicker than the woman, which is why foreplay is crucial. To use an analogy, a woman's 'wetness' is very much NOT like a faucet. There is no on and off switch, it's a gradual transition.
2. The reason it feels awkward is because the scene is awkward for Thunder. He's new to this and doesn't know the intricacies of love-making. That will be addressed in the future.
If this is true, then the exact opposite should have occurred, given the more than obvious showing that Celestia has quite the library of sexual knowledge on hand. He's not the first consort, and presumably not the last either. Going right into the act as they did is the worst, uncomfortable way to approach sex for a first time. This is another reason foreplay is extremely important. Beyond the fact it allows you to explore your partner's body, it also eases them into becoming more comfortable with each other. It's basically a way to get rid of all the potential discomfort that one might feel during their first time.
Now, to new things to hopefully help you improve.
The word choice you have also is very... awkward and clumsy. Especially for a third person narrative. If it were first person, well, maybe a virgin could be forgiven for using the most flowery language possible to describe everything. However, things like petals for describing the vagina in a third person perspective... yikes. Same goes for using marehood and stallionhood. And if repetitiveness is an issue, describe the sensations associated with the action, rather than trying to use nouns and replacements for said nouns.
The Length. Sex is about passion most times. You can't convey that very well in such a short word count that you allocated here. The first time I ever wrote a sex scene, it was 1,400 words. I was told by multiple readers that it felt too short. Between two people (or ponies in this instance) having sex, if you're under 1500 words, there's something somewhere that's an issue. Most scenes you see will be 2,000 words minimum easily. I've also seen some that have gone for 6,000+ words. Me, personally, I believe 1,000-1,500 words per character involved in the sex is a good target for length.
Now, some sources and stories that might help you get a better idea of things. I'll include a mix of stories and oneshots to mix things up as well.
Firstly, the group Clopfics is a great place to get help in terms of style, phrasing, what have you, anything in terms of clop. Might be useful to ask around when you go to write the next one, since it sounds like you plan to keep sex in the story.
Some suggested reading...
Kinds of Love - 3rd person story with F/M, F/F and I believe there was one M/M. Really big focus on the exploration of new things, this might help a lot. With it being the same POV, it lines up well. Love's Been A Bit Hard On Me - 3rd person story with a harem, magical dicks included. I respect this writer a lot, and he has a great handle on how to write sex. Twilight's Plan - Another 3rd person story. Twilight and Luna, sex is a bit of 'vanilla' (nothing beyond sex) and there's some bondage in here as well. Decent enough grasp on writing sex too. To Love The Moon - 3rd person story again. Sex is a bit more sparse, but it's good. Also has somepony's 'first time' in it. Futa Your Luna - 3rd person Oneshot. Heat Of The Moment - 3rd person Oneshot The Moon's Embrace - 3rd person Oneshot
Hopefully you take away some useful knowledge from this for your future endeavors in writing sex. There's a surprisingly large amount of involvement behind something that seems so simple to do. Good luck
2977285 Pretty much everything Spcecowboy said. There was... no romance. No emotion. If you wish to convey the awkwardness Thunder is feeling, go with it. Explore that a bit. Celestia has an idea of what the heck should happen, so let her have a more active role. Sex is fun and silly, and, yeah, awkward at first. Roll with that and it would read better than... Zero to tab A into Slot B repeat end. As an aside, getting aroused in two seconds by thinking? doooesn't really happen, which is why it reads like Celestia magicked herself. Takes a bit more than two seconds for anyone, guys or girls, and you're missing out on half the fun if you go right into rutting
I think you can only improve! If, however, you'd rather not go into clop, and that's an understandable and okay decision. Writing sexytimes isn't everyone's cup of tea. If so then perhaps the standby of "Fading to black" might be a better choice.
I'll have to agree that the sex scene of this chapter was kinda awkward. And I don't mean that in terms of it being somewhat short - you can make it as long or short as you like, so long as the mood and feel is properly conveyed. A longer one isn't necessarily a better one, and this story easily holds its ground without elaborate clop taking place up front and center.
However, the content that was there did feel a bit ... dry, shall we say. What surprised me the most was that there wasn't any foreplay involved, at all. I understand it being Thunder's first time and thus the whole ordeal being awkward for him, but surely he knows at least that much - at the very least, I would have expected Celestia herself to initiate some form of foreplay to get the two comfortable and in the mood, to ease Thunder in to the process exactly because it's his first time so there is less awkward stiffness involved in the notion.
Instead, it was a pretty dry event of her plopping down on the bed, telling Thunder to hop on, and he did. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. The scene didn't convey a lot of emotions, and not much in terms of mood, so that's one thing you should definitely work on in any future context of such nature - try and establish the mood more, add more details to the emotions, sensations and thoughts, and try and coax real feelings out of the scene, lest it feel rather mechanical, as if the characters were merely going through the motions without much of a commitment to the act.
That aside ... noooo, how can Twilight not know about the full extent of the consort's duties? You can not let it simply slip by that way - she simply has to find out one way or another (Luna telling her, her stumbling on Celestia and/or Luna during the act, anything!), this is too good to pass up - imagine the manic frenzy she would work herself into by assuming that similar 'interactions' are expected of her and Thunder as well. Ponyville would be upside down before long from whatever shenanigans she would get up to in her frazzled state of mind, Discord would have nothing on it :P
Again, this was just an attempt to simulate someone's first time going through the act. It was supposed to feel awkward and somewhat uncomfortable for Thunder.
I do have better and more emotional clop chapters planned out in my head. Just this one isn't everyone's cup of tea. I really hope you'll stay on for the remainder of the story though. Thanks for the feedback and have a good one.
Regarding A Consort's Duty... I wanted to note here that all the comments on this chapter prior to this one were made on a previously posted version, which bluntly wasn't very good.
As the proofreader for this story I have apologized to the author for not taking the risk of telling them clearly or directly enough how I felt about that previous version when I did my initial read-through. I also want to apologize to the readers for chickening out like that. The author and I have worked it out and together have vastly rewritten the chapter. I believe what we put together now is much better and I, at least, look forward to any comments you may have.
Thanks for reading, and peace be with you. SongCoyote
After the read, I will grant that it is MUCH less tense than the first attempt. I personally think the clop bits were a bit awkward, but hey you know what? it was his first time. and first times are usually VERY awkward. (except in hentai.) It's a bit of a weird transition reading a story as REAL as this, but I know for certain that the sex scenes WILL get better! Thunder just has to pick up on how to behave in the bedroom. (and so should celestia.) They should both keep this in mind: sex isn't a science. It's actually the other extreme. it's a situation where logic, reason, and common sense don't need to matter anymore. Jut two bodies engaged in mutual pleasure for themselves and pleasuring the other. This makes them feel so incredibly good that the feelings begin to emerge even stronger.
At least thats the way I've seen it.
All in all, good read, and a gret preveiw for whats to come! Keep writing! I expect a lot more to come!
Celestia smiled and nuzzled him gently. “Indeed you did, Thunder, and not just because you are... a little larger than average.” “Oh! I…” he hesitated in embarrassment. 'Take the compliment!' said his helpful brain. “G-good! I-I’m glad you liked it!”
...Kind of a let-down.
For a first time, that went rather well. I wonder what it will be like for him and Luna. I think it's going to be a bit before that happens though.
mhe
It's painfully obvious that this is both your first time writing a sexual scene and that you do not read many of them yourself. Least, not any good ones. It was nine ways of awkward, and there was nothing good or okay about it. It was pretty poor, to be truthful. A general rule of sex, unless it is being done solely for purposes of impregnating the mare, should involve some form or sort of foreplay. Magic is definitely NOT a substitute to this. (I actually can't believe you used magic to get her aroused truthfully. I facepalmed so fucking hard when I read that) It's not a rule, more of a guideline, really. However, you should do some more reading of some sex scenes from other stories, or just completely remove sex from the story. As it stands now, you're only going to shoot yourself in the foot.
If you're not up to reading, if you do something along the lines of one playing with the other, then flip it, then the act of sex, while not great, it'll work a LOT better than this pathetic scene did. It... was painful to read.
Yeah... that was really... awkwardly written. Not going to lie about it. It could use a lot of work. I basically agree with what spacecowboy said.
2977285
I'm sorry you were disappointed by this chapter. I'll try harder to make the clop better in the future.
Just wanted to clarify a few things.
1. It was not my intention to use magic to make Celestia aroused. She did that naturally by thinking...certain thoughts.
2. The reason it feels awkward is because the scene is awkward for Thunder. He's new to this and doesn't know the intricacies of love-making. That will be addressed in the future.
Again, I'm sorry to anger you. I just wanted to show you where I was coming from.
Thanks for reading and I hope you give the story another chance.
I was brought here by this upstanding gentleman(2977285), and I have to say that this is... Well... Sub par. I am by no means a prolific clop writer, but I can say that this was poorly executed to be kind. You had very little in the way of actual description of the act, and that is, for clop, the most important part. What you need to realize, is that clop needs to be descriptive in order to get the point across. If you had glazed over the sex by simply saying: "And then they had sex." you would've accomplished the exact same thing. Also, as spacecowboy pointed out, using magic as a means of getting aroused is... It's really pretty awful in nearly every way. It cheapens the act, and makes it clear that Celestia isn't really interested. If she was, she wouldn't need magic to become aroused at the prospect of sex. The total sex scene is no more than five hundred words, being generous, and it lacks any form of real arousal on either party's side. The point you need to make when writing clop is that there is something passionate taking place. Or, failing that, erotic. This had neither. If you need a good example of some clop, feel free to look up some of Fonder Words, by Jet Howitzer. I wrote, and edited, that piece, and it's not the best out there, but at least it's got more substance than this.
Please, for the love of whatever deity you choose, improve your clop writing skills before trying another clop piece.
Sursum Aeternum!
-Jet Howitzer
I like it when he was just like 'ya know what? Screw it!
2977673
Okay, we need to dive deeper it seems and further clarify as to why this scene failed. I see you tried to give some explanations behind your choice of why you went about it this way, but I feel like I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't properly elaborate further. Mind, I'm not doing this out of any sort of pettiness, but attempting to address extremely valid concerns that you can hopefully look at and learn from. I had a few mentor figures when I first went about writing sex, so I had people to fall back on and help guide me. Simply looking to hopefully offer some further insight. Also, I was not angry. To address your replies first.
Okay, so it wasn't quite magic. However, arousal, especially to the point where 'droplets of clear liquid' become visible, simple does not happen within a breath. Arousal is something that a woman has to work up towards if she's not fully there yet. while guys have the plus of being able to see/think something sexy and almost immediately become hard, for a female to get to the point where they have liquid flowing... it takes foreplay and time. Guy typically gets off MUCH quicker than the woman, which is why foreplay is crucial. To use an analogy, a woman's 'wetness' is very much NOT like a faucet. There is no on and off switch, it's a gradual transition.
If this is true, then the exact opposite should have occurred, given the more than obvious showing that Celestia has quite the library of sexual knowledge on hand. He's not the first consort, and presumably not the last either. Going right into the act as they did is the worst, uncomfortable way to approach sex for a first time. This is another reason foreplay is extremely important. Beyond the fact it allows you to explore your partner's body, it also eases them into becoming more comfortable with each other. It's basically a way to get rid of all the potential discomfort that one might feel during their first time.
Now, to new things to hopefully help you improve.
The word choice you have also is very... awkward and clumsy. Especially for a third person narrative. If it were first person, well, maybe a virgin could be forgiven for using the most flowery language possible to describe everything. However, things like petals for describing the vagina in a third person perspective... yikes. Same goes for using marehood and stallionhood. And if repetitiveness is an issue, describe the sensations associated with the action, rather than trying to use nouns and replacements for said nouns.
The Length. Sex is about passion most times. You can't convey that very well in such a short word count that you allocated here. The first time I ever wrote a sex scene, it was 1,400 words. I was told by multiple readers that it felt too short. Between two people (or ponies in this instance) having sex, if you're under 1500 words, there's something somewhere that's an issue. Most scenes you see will be 2,000 words minimum easily. I've also seen some that have gone for 6,000+ words. Me, personally, I believe 1,000-1,500 words per character involved in the sex is a good target for length.
Now, some sources and stories that might help you get a better idea of things. I'll include a mix of stories and oneshots to mix things up as well.
Firstly, the group Clopfics is a great place to get help in terms of style, phrasing, what have you, anything in terms of clop. Might be useful to ask around when you go to write the next one, since it sounds like you plan to keep sex in the story.
Some suggested reading...
Kinds of Love - 3rd person story with F/M, F/F and I believe there was one M/M. Really big focus on the exploration of new things, this might help a lot. With it being the same POV, it lines up well.
Love's Been A Bit Hard On Me - 3rd person story with a harem, magical dicks included. I respect this writer a lot, and he has a great handle on how to write sex.
Twilight's Plan - Another 3rd person story. Twilight and Luna, sex is a bit of 'vanilla' (nothing beyond sex) and there's some bondage in here as well. Decent enough grasp on writing sex too.
To Love The Moon - 3rd person story again. Sex is a bit more sparse, but it's good. Also has somepony's 'first time' in it.
Futa Your Luna - 3rd person Oneshot.
Heat Of The Moment - 3rd person Oneshot
The Moon's Embrace - 3rd person Oneshot
Hopefully you take away some useful knowledge from this for your future endeavors in writing sex. There's a surprisingly large amount of involvement behind something that seems so simple to do. Good luck
2977285
Pretty much everything Spcecowboy said. There was... no romance. No emotion.
If you wish to convey the awkwardness Thunder is feeling, go with it. Explore that a bit. Celestia has an idea of what the heck should happen, so let her have a more active role. Sex is fun and silly, and, yeah, awkward at first. Roll with that and it would read better than... Zero to tab A into Slot B repeat end.
As an aside, getting aroused in two seconds by thinking? doooesn't really happen, which is why it reads like Celestia magicked herself. Takes a bit more than two seconds for anyone, guys or girls, and you're missing out on half the fun if you go right into rutting
I think you can only improve! If, however, you'd rather not go into clop, and that's an understandable and okay decision. Writing sexytimes isn't everyone's cup of tea. If so then perhaps the standby of "Fading to black" might be a better choice.
I'll have to agree that the sex scene of this chapter was kinda awkward. And I don't mean that in terms of it being somewhat short - you can make it as long or short as you like, so long as the mood and feel is properly conveyed. A longer one isn't necessarily a better one, and this story easily holds its ground without elaborate clop taking place up front and center.
However, the content that was there did feel a bit ... dry, shall we say. What surprised me the most was that there wasn't any foreplay involved, at all. I understand it being Thunder's first time and thus the whole ordeal being awkward for him, but surely he knows at least that much - at the very least, I would have expected Celestia herself to initiate some form of foreplay to get the two comfortable and in the mood, to ease Thunder in to the process exactly because it's his first time so there is less awkward stiffness involved in the notion.
Instead, it was a pretty dry event of her plopping down on the bed, telling Thunder to hop on, and he did. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. The scene didn't convey a lot of emotions, and not much in terms of mood, so that's one thing you should definitely work on in any future context of such nature - try and establish the mood more, add more details to the emotions, sensations and thoughts, and try and coax real feelings out of the scene, lest it feel rather mechanical, as if the characters were merely going through the motions without much of a commitment to the act.
That aside ... noooo, how can Twilight not know about the full extent of the consort's duties? You can not let it simply slip by that way - she simply has to find out one way or another (Luna telling her, her stumbling on Celestia and/or Luna during the act, anything!), this is too good to pass up - imagine the manic frenzy she would work herself into by assuming that similar 'interactions' are expected of her and Thunder as well. Ponyville would be upside down before long from whatever shenanigans she would get up to in her frazzled state of mind, Discord would have nothing on it :P
2977984
Thank you for your comments and opinions.
Again, this was just an attempt to simulate someone's first time going through the act. It was supposed to feel awkward and somewhat uncomfortable for Thunder.
I do have better and more emotional clop chapters planned out in my head. Just this one isn't everyone's cup of tea. I really hope you'll stay on for the remainder of the story though. Thanks for the feedback and have a good one.
2977984
Ok. Here's another idea.
If I take the chapter down and improve it with all of the suggestions you say, would any of you have any objection?
Regarding A Consort's Duty...
I wanted to note here that all the comments on this chapter prior to this one were made on a previously posted version, which bluntly wasn't very good.
As the proofreader for this story I have apologized to the author for not taking the risk of telling them clearly or directly enough how I felt about that previous version when I did my initial read-through. I also want to apologize to the readers for chickening out like that. The author and I have worked it out and together have vastly rewritten the chapter. I believe what we put together now is much better and I, at least, look forward to any comments you may have.
Thanks for reading, and peace be with you.
SongCoyote
After the read, I will grant that it is MUCH less tense than the first attempt. I personally think the clop bits were a bit awkward, but hey you know what? it was his first time. and first times are usually VERY awkward. (except in hentai.) It's a bit of a weird transition reading a story as REAL as this, but I know for certain that the sex scenes WILL get better! Thunder just has to pick up on how to behave in the bedroom. (and so should celestia.) They should both keep this in mind: sex isn't a science. It's actually the other extreme. it's a situation where logic, reason, and common sense don't need to matter anymore. Jut two bodies engaged in mutual pleasure for themselves and pleasuring the other. This makes them feel so incredibly good that the feelings begin to emerge even stronger.
At least thats the way I've seen it.
All in all, good read, and a gret preveiw for whats to come! Keep writing! I expect a lot more to come!
take the compliment...take it and dont ruin it