RandomString
Joined 18th Dec, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- ShotgunNeko · 36k words · 720 51 · 12k views
- RandomString · 4.9k words · 433 27 · 8.9k views
- GoG ToXiC · 3.7k words · 420 12 · 13k views
- OnTheTrot · 21k words · 178 24 · 5.5k views
- sniper125 · 3.8k words · 306 23 · 6.6k views
- cherryfourier · 30k words · 782 47 · 12k views
- Shakespearicles · 4.5k words · 693 35 · 12k views
- Selene Bright · 8.1k words · 246 15 · 5.2k views
Featured In19
Shipping 💖11,670 stories ·9,742 members
Clopfics11,546 stories ·15,813 members
The Fillyfoolers3,946 stories ·3,487 members
The Writers' Group56,394 stories ·9,291 members
TwiLuna877 stories ·3,797 members
Luna Is The Best Pony4,630 stories ·7,265 members
- Time Travel358 stories ·739 members
Twilight is Best Pony6,371 stories ·3,071 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.205 seconds
Total duration
920 users online
375,349 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
2355965
Thanks
Can you suggest anything I should be focussing on, or just overall polish?
i can find nothing bad with this but there is always room for improvement
there needs to be a sequel.
This was a nice story, a good first one.
It felt however a little lacking. You had a nice build up with Twilight making the redo-spell, but then she hardly use it.
Would have been nice to see more of her shenanigans, Twilight trying to bypass the guards and how she tries different ways of seducing Luna.
The clop part was remarkably, since it was in complete darkness for the most part and still it managed to be both sexy and arousing.
It showed you are very good at using all senses to build up a surrounding, which is needed in a good story.
So this was a good first story and hopefully the start of many more (hoping for a new story/chapter about round 2)
I liked what I got, but the first part of the story had me expecting Groundhog Day with Twilight in Bill Murray's role. (With a tiny bit of Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time for good measure.) You don't need to rewrite this story, but I think you should hold on to that idea and expand on it. Maybe you can write a follow-up story where Twilight uses it to seduce Celestia, or even helps one of her friends in a similar task. ("Spitfire rejected you again, Dash? Guess you'd better start from this morning again.")
Hot damn. I don't usually favorite oneshots, and I especially don't favorite oneshot clopfics but...hot damn. One of the best Twiluna clops I've read. It was actually stimulating.
I noticed a few grammatical errors but other than that, you're golden
2357147>>2358508>>2360833
Thanks guys. I need to explain about the save points. This fic started out as a fanfic of a fanfic - I decided to explore the Hard Reset 'weathervane' action between Twilight and Luna. It was fun taking Eakin's setup and trying to write a story that met the points given (no sheets on the bed, pillow on the ceiling, weathervane etc.) so the background came from there. That's why Luna's room was dark and why there was a hint of a Groundhog Day theme.
I then realised that messing with someone else's universe without permission is just rude and getting permission could be problematic, so I rewrote the thing to stand on its own. One thing I found amusing about Hard Reset was that Twilight managed to seduce Luna in a single loop, so I wrote some jokes around that. I liked the jokes, so I kept some of them in the rewrite and so introduced the save points to keep the jokes going. So yeah - save points were massively under-utilised. Could have been fun to explore them more thoroughly, but it would have ended up being a much longer piece and I didn't want to try and bite off more than I could chew on a first try.
2357333>>2361787
Thank you
2361941
Thanks. I hate grammatical errors - I just can't see them, no matter how hard I look.
2358070
I was thinking of a sequel, and Elric has given me even more good ideas, but Round 2 wouldn't be as satisfying for me - I liked Luna and Twilight both trying to get the upper hand but that would be lost in a dream setting - Luna controls dreams. Maybe someday.
I'm more enamoured with a different idea at the moment - Twilight plays a game with Luna where she casts an amnesia spell on herself so that she forgets everything that happened after the thousandth sun celebration. She finds herself in the castle of the royal sisters being playfully stalked by Nightmare Moon who mysteriously knows all her secrets and desires. It wouldn't be dark, but it would be a lot more kinky than what is here. Also, humanised. Definitely not everybody's cup of tea.
Shut up, you did well.
For your 'second' fic, this was pretty good. A mite weird in pacing, and it could take some editing, but good.
2374065
Thanks. The pacing did feel a little off - I was trying to go for 'dream' pacing, with Luna pushing the story along so that she could get to the 'good bit' - but that didn't seem to work.
Ah well, I'll work on it. Thanks for the feedback
Messy? Where?
The dream sequence was weird paced, but that is expected since it is a dream.
Just keep writing. You have potential, it would be sad to see it disappear.
However, I was mostly laughing my ass of through most of the dream. (Damn, why is it there no Trolluna pic)
>Twilight thought he could see a distant spot of light
He?
>Twilight was loving every one the squeaks
I think you missed a word
>I did’t mean...
y u not put n ;__;
2362105
Oh, Hard Reset. I was wondering where you got the idea for checkpoints. Good thing she couldn't get stuck in these time loops, eh? As for changing anything, just a few grammar errors, but I won't try to tell them on my phone, maybe on the laptop tomorrow instead.
>the magic flow even intensified as a the policemare's tongue
You have an extra a
>the mares drove the dildos into the others' marehoods
My outer grammar nazi says that the apostrophe should be before the s, but my inner grammar nazi is unsure and wants the entire sentence to be changed
yes, I want to see Twi help her friends, that could be hilarious. Nice job with the chapter, I don't think the dream's pace was too weird, Luna just wanted to skip to the "good bit" so she hit fast-forwards. It's just a waeird pace if it happened outside of the dream.
2376609
Gah - thanks for that. Corrected. I need to come up with a better way to audit my own work (or find an editor).
The 'he' thing was because I wrote this on an iPad and the keyboard loves ignoring a few letters here and there. Thought I'd caught them all, but obviously not.
2376687
Thanks Abronie - it would be appreciated
2375593
Thanks
it's nice to know that some people are enjoying the humour - I really wasn't sure if it was working or if I should drop it (and the comedy tag) entirely.
2376690
Thanks for those. Corrected the first one. The second line was indeed clunky - I've tried to rewrite it for clarity. I really appreciate you pointing those out to me - thanks
2376781
Thanks for the feedback. I don't have any concrete ideas for the next chapter. I'll probably have Twilight get back to Ponyville and deal with the consequences of the memory spell she left for herself. As for helping her friends, I haven't decided on the OTP yet - RariJack and AppleDash both work well for me and I need to work out which one will work better with this story.
2377843
2377883 Better
So they are a bit into roleplay?^^ How about nightmare moon won and wants to make celestias student her slave? As a comedy bonus you could let celestia stumble upon them
I have one suggestion to make and that is, wait for Twilight and Luna to fall in love. Too often I find stories where 10 seconds after a sweaty muskfest between two ponies ends, they've already declared their eternal love for one another. I think there is a vast distinction between infatuation/lust and love, and that it is very often ignored. In the real world, it can take months for couples to declare love for one another. Basically, I recommend trying to imagine the ponies as people for a second and think about if it would make sense for them to do what their doing. Hope that helps.
2383667
Thanks, techtwotiger. It is a very good point, and I am clearly guilty of having both parties going too fast.
I was planning on having them spending time together for purposes other than sex and that would hopefully solidify the relationship, but it is early days yet. They've been a couple for what, twelve hours maybe?
I shall try and keep it in mind.
Did Pinkie just play hide and seek Twilights mental figment?
How?...
...I mean it's not...
......it's a spell...
...rules and logic...
*Mind runs error reports and shuts down. Then the Mind reboots all higher mental functions and proceed to kick conscious into submission for trying to figure out Pinkie Pie!*
Edit: Li'l Twi is best Twi
2457091>>2458863
Thanks guys - I really appreciate the feedback. I was worried about Li'l Twi - I need her for plot reasons, but I can see her getting very annoying very quickly. I'm trying to minimize her 'screen time'.
I find thus so ?!$&ing funny (I don't know how you feel about cussing so I cencered myself... You're welcome) you keep making me laugh.
Your process of writing is wonderful, and hey in my opinion roleplays can lead to many many chapters
2469856>>2469604
Thanks guys - really appreciate all the feedback. It is very useful and encouraging.
Pinkie Pie.
I lol'd. Do you plan on another chapter?
2481057
Working on it at the moment but I'm not happy with it. It's getting rather long and will need some heavy trimming once it's done. I'm not happy with the quality either.
2484311
Indeed. Well, here's hoping you get it the way you like it ^-^
Wow this was hilarious! You deserve an upvote, a fave and a follow.
When Twilight asked the most silly ever question that was sure to get a rejection… I laughed so hard. It was something that only a pony who really wanted her back would give nice reply to. Then I realisd the answer and it took a while to calm down as by then I was in complete hysterics! It was classic!
Best pickup line ever, out of any clopfic I've read, hooves down, easy. Also... nice touch on the gaming refrence... saving and reloading made me immedaly think of the likes of Skyrim
Its a lot faster in pace than the stories (clopfics) I write but is an outstanding TwiLuna story so far. The kinky stuff itself was mild and certainly made more interesting by the dark that Twilight found herself in. Admittedly I was so absorbed in the story I didn't notice any errors etc.
)
I wonder... is it too much to hope for a tiny mention of Flutterdash in this story...
Seeing as how Twilight and Luna focused it is in chapter one, It would seem like a no... (but hey, I can hope.
Time to continue reading....
I don't care if some think this is a bit rough around the edges, its a fun story. Excellent first time fan fic!
This is still exelent!
Great chapter two. I could immediacy tell that Twilight was in a dream and that Luna had sorta invaded it... the scene was sooo funny. now all thats needed is for Celestia to walk in to greet her sis to find the two snuggling in bed (or...not... if they happen to be engaged...)
For chapter 3 and 4... I gotta say, its still great! and probably getting better too.
I can't wait for more.
and from there… I was laughing so hard I ran out of breath for a bit… Raritys reaction was epic! Fluttershy's was expected.
...and more laughs ensured. That whole part was great and I enjoyed the tiny alicorn filly fragment. Her and Pinkie were very believable together. For a moment I dreaded that Pinkie would make immature commentes the way through Twilights confession, but no. It was wonderful just how you did it.
I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this. It doesn't take itself entierly seriously, the comedy is something I don't think I've seen before but it feels like a good epic story that I really want to keep reading. it's also great that its clear TwiLuna with no thrid party to ruin their fun in any way, shape or form. Playing in dreams is cool too. I might have to try that in one of my own stories. I look foward to seeing what Twilight wakes up to and what her first full day in Ponyville is like.
So far... i'd say this would be one of my fave TwiLuna stories.
2494666
Wow - thanks for all the great feedback and compliments, FlutterDash7.
I'll do my best to keep it coming.
2494666 I agree entirely, submerged fainting couch, brilliant! Twilight's next day in Ponyville will be putting up with more of her figment rambling at her. Actually this works out great, Luna and Twilight can have a long distance relationship, but still spend time with eachother, and it's time that twilight can't really use for anything else productive. It's such a wonderful situation, the only issue is that Luna can't spend all Twilight's dream time with her cause she has to attend to other ponies dreams as well.
And now I have a boner and a mental image of Twilight and Luna kissing eagerly before Twi pushes Luna into a stream of chocolate while smiling happily.
More please?
Ooohhh, getting a little fetishy I see.
2499702
Not too much so, I hope. I'm hoping that even if people are a little put off by the clop, they might still enjoy the story as a whole (and vice versa, for that matter).
2495403
Twilight will be heading back to the factory later, but it'll be a much shorter visit. I have a rough plan to explore a few areas - having a dreamscape to play in gives Luna a lot of options, with far less consequences than real life, so it'd be a shame to not have a look around.
2495232
Longer term (i.e. beyond the extents of this story), I see the relationship settling down to a couple of dream play dates a week (not always with sex, obviously) with the occasional face-to-face meetups when time and scheduling allows. Plus lots of letters.
In the story, it'll be a lot more intense, for plot and pacing reasons. Plus Luna has a dependency issue that she needs to work through (not sure if that's coming across, but it's what I'm going for).
Her little hallucination leapt onto the desk and poked the book with her muzzle. She looked up at Twilight and told her authoritatively, "It's a book."
Reaction: oh my god!!! Actual was rolling on the floor laughing so hard.
2377843 fimfiction: the only place were being a grammar Nazi is appreciated and helpful
That came intirely out of left field....... But I @&$?ing loved it!
Oh, I think you're doing marvelously.
I have to agree with kesh -- you are doing well. Things are falling apart for Twi quite nicely.
2537032>>2537043
Thanks guys, but you didn't see the thousands of words I deleted when I realised I'd written myself into a corner or experience the irritation of having to replot this thing for a third time.
You'll also note that the clop:story ratio is all over the place with the different chapters, which isn't the way I wanted it. Ah well, I'm doing this for the learning experience, and I'm certainly getting that.
I like it so far.
It's almost like a drug-induced Discord hallucination put into words.
Now comes the hardest part of telling your relationship Twilight Sparkle: Telling your family.
"Oh fuck"
made my day
2542977
even better was the last line of the chapter.