shiftylookingcow
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I like the premise, I'll keep an eye on this for a little while. Quick tip: get away from second person narration as quickly as you can, there is almost no way you can make it sound good unless your writing it from the "readers" perspective, and the reader is an actual charachtar.
Everyone seems oddly ok with suddenly being in a completely unknown land and a building appearing from nowhere, yet this guy freaks out the moment it looks like his sister wasn't in bed. Admittedly, if my little brother wasn't in his bed when I was watching him, I might freak out, but I wouldn't actually be worried until I looked in the obvious places like the bathroom or the kitchen and still didn't find him.
6584641 The pilot is supposed to be in third person in order to introduce the characters and what goes on. The entire story is mostly going to be in first person, and maybe third person if there's a lot going on around a simple character, or if it'd be better to tell the part of the story from outside a person's point of view.
6584715 I was just pointing out the several times tar ration sort of interrupted itself, asked the reader a question, then answered it, where it probably would have flowed better to just incorporate the details in your answer into the uninterrupted narrative.
In this chapter, only three people leave the house and they all think they're still somewhere on Earth. And Jeff did bring a lot of guns for target practice, so they're well protected.
Traevon is putting the solar generator together with Jack and Hiroto.
Jonathan is 8. I don't think an 8 year old boy would find anything weird about this situation at all. Especially since he's never left the house at all. As far as he know, things are normal.
Traevon is the oldest brother and has experience with being in charge. It makes since that he'd be the most responsible. And you'll find out later that he has a pretty leveled head compared to everyone else.
I've already done the character development. I've marked down their likes, their dislikes, favorite food, fears, and other traits to add to the characters.
Keep up with the tips though. They're helping more than you know.
6584745 Oh that. That was supposed to be for hilarity purposes. Nothing like a writer with a sense of humor.
He is channelling the power of celestia!
I've started on the next three chapters everyone!
6586778
. Celestia has the inner troll in her too.
Spathi? Star Control fan?
6604043 Hah! Someone gets it.
6604137 One of the best space opera games. Ever.
Good chapter but there where spelling errors all threw out it. I recommend proof reading it and fixing it asap.
6615762 If you've read the author's notes, you would see that I am pretty big on spelling and grammar. I did proof read it. However, I'm only human. I'm bound to make mistakes. I do appreciate you pointing out flaws in the story, though. I only ask that you could point out the misspelled words next time so I could correct them before it ruins someone else's reading experience. I'll look for it this time and give thanks to you in the author's note.
Oh, and if you're talking about the last part, where Xavier is sick, I pretty much just typed things in the dialect of someone with a stuffed nose. You won't be able to pronounce your 'n's and 'm's.
Also, I believe you meant to say "There were spelling errors throughout the chapter." Not trying to be rude, but it'd be good to have proper grammar and spelling before correcting someone else's.
I'm glad you liked the chapter otherwise. I'll keep doing my best to keep you and the other readers satisfied.
These relationships are kinda rushed
, and not just AJ and Jack, same with RD and Xavier. I mean sure the stuff you mentioned in your authors notes made sense, but with the bad 1st impression RD made, she wouldn't just want to be in a relationship with that person, espessially someone they just met. And Xavier, being in a totally new world full of talking, candy coloured ponies, wouldn't be looking for a new relationship so soon.
6619920 Who said Xavier is looking to be in a relationship right now? In fact, where does it say Rainbow and Xavier are in a relationship? I think you're misinterpreting things. I really don't think I'm rushing things, because that's exactly what I'm trying not to do. Applejack is the only exception because I think she can pull it off. Some people can. As Jack said, Rainbow is Xavier's best friend on the female side. If you've read the author's note, Xavier is still trying to figure out how it would or could work between a human and a pony, therefore he's not really set on the idea of dating a pony. Too many unknowns to go through with it. And the thing is, there hasn't been a Rainbow POV yet, so we have no clue what is going on through her head, from the audience's perspective. I can assure you though, there are many things going through Xavier's mind, and the want for a relationship isn't one of them at the moment. I hope that clarifies things.
6621816 Ok fair enough
, and no offense about my previous statement
. I've just read so many romance stories were characters get in a relationship in less then a week, or even a couple of days of meeting eachother, and it's so annoying and unrealistic. There needs to be chemistry, and character development building though out the story, to make the characters want to be together. When authors have them be a couple just like that, it just makes the relationship seem bland and anticlimactic. Your doing good though, keep it up.
6621851 Exactly! Funny thing is, I was just saying the same thing in a forum yesterday about another fiction I was reading. The very first chapter upon arrival, the writer's character fell for Twilight Sparkle upon first sight
. And yeah it's been a little over a week before the Jacks started their relationship. If you've read carefully, they do have a bit of chemistry. Jack respects and appreciates AJ's line of work. I've read many good fictions that paired anons/humans with AJ, and in most of those fictions, that's all Applejack wanted along with keeping her family's farm running. Those humans/anons most of the time were previously farmers or loved the country life. I just decided to mix things up a bit. He also loves her cooking. His comment about her making her future husband happy may or may not have sparked her interest in him. And AJ said she needed someone to keep her in check as well and make sure she doesn't overwork it and make sure she doesn't cause trouble for anyone as well as embarrass herself. As Xavier said, they both have been spending a lot of time together, even in that short amount of time.
And I'm already almost half way done with the next chapter, which will include the episode Griffin Brushoff. How do you think the humans will treat Gilda?
6622144 WOW, you REALLY put a lot of thought into the relationships in this story
, you really do know what your doing
. As for Gilda..... Will the humans be having extra large chicken wings by the end of the chapter?
6622482 As you said, things need to be a bit realistic than some of the fictions I've read. There will be no Mary/Gary Sues in this story either. I'm generally a heavy thinker.
Huh, I thought for sure they'd be having fried griffin by the end of the chapter?
Ah well, maybe next time
6625885 It was tempting until I saw her in Season 5.
6626135 Oh yeah, forgot about episode
. Also considering that 80-90% of Equestria's population is female, making herds and polygamy acceptable, I say go for making herds/harems for the humans. Plus with SO many mares to choose from, it be interesting to see who gets who
.
6626206 The real challenge is shipping a pony with Jeff.
But I guess I'll go ahead and make herding a thing since it makes sense, but I'm gonna make it more realistic and make it something the human males would have to adjust to.
hue man is a thing
portal-studios.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/sushi425x235.jpg
6626996 I'd like to say that was an intended reference, but I'd be lying. Completely coincidental.
WOW, amazing job making Trixie the victim and AJ, RB, and Rarity the bad guys. Bravo Shifty, Brav-O.
media.giphy.com/media/GQnsaAWZ8ty00/giphy.gif
P.S. Trixie should totally return to be with Xavier
Tell me, when did you start writing this?
Goooooood.
I can't get enough of this.
YES. finally a story where a human and his house gets teleported to equestria. lets see what will happen in chapter 2..
interesting.... a bit too fast though.
6634024 I said the same thing but trust me, he's taking a more steady a realistic approach then most writers.
6634024 Can you please be more specific?
6633746 October 30th. Still writing. I'm nearing the gala 'sode.
6633676 They really were the main antagonist. Had they either kept their damn mouths shut and moved on, Spike included, Snips and Snails wouldn't have gotten a giant bear to attack the town, Trixie would've never had career troubles and wouldn't have came back for revenge later on. They kinda created the troubles themselves. Am I right or am I right?
6634310 Well when your right, your right.
gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Ryan-Gosling-Shrug.gif
You forgot to add brackets at the end of some dialogs, and didn't finish your preview of next episode. Other then that another great chapter.
6639240 Yeah, I saw the preview thing. My laptop kinda did the whole "automatic restarts for updates" thing and couldn't save it.
If you could point out where I forgot to add the brackets so I can fix it please?
I'm glad you liked the chapter though. Jeff's POV is tough to write.
6639257
Thats the only 1 so far, I could have sworn there was another?
6639351 Yeah, that one was probably better off without quotes. Fixed. Thanks.
6633880 There's another HiE fiction where a human and his entire barn gets transported to Equestria. I don't think the author updated it in a while. Could be dead. The story I mean.
saw a few spelling mistakes, but chapter was good.
6643127 Please point it out. It very much could be well intentional depending on what the spelling mistakes are.
6643145 i cant remember where, but it was like a few the's were mispelt. it wasnt much. (latest chapter)
6643196 Then I can't change it at the moment. It's possible that the misspelling is intentional.
6643295 yeha. good chapter tho
6643329 Yeah, I try to keep things interesting. it came out funnier than originally planned. Glad you like it though.
Hypocrisy, thy name is bitchface
This is good. Real good I like where this is going. Keep up the good work