2355965

Thanks

Can you suggest anything I should be focussing on, or just overall polish?

i can find nothing bad with this but there is always room for improvement

there needs to be a sequel.

This was a nice story, a good first one.

It felt however a little lacking. You had a nice build up with Twilight making the redo-spell, but then she hardly use it.
Would have been nice to see more of her shenanigans, Twilight trying to bypass the guards and how she tries different ways of seducing Luna.
The clop part was remarkably, since it was in complete darkness for the most part and still it managed to be both sexy and arousing.
It showed you are very good at using all senses to build up a surrounding, which is needed in a good story.

So this was a good first story and hopefully the start of many more (hoping for a new story/chapter about round 2)

I liked what I got, but the first part of the story had me expecting Groundhog Day with Twilight in Bill Murray's role. (With a tiny bit of Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time for good measure.) You don't need to rewrite this story, but I think you should hold on to that idea and expand on it. Maybe you can write a follow-up story where Twilight uses it to seduce Celestia, or even helps one of her friends in a similar task. ("Spitfire rejected you again, Dash? Guess you'd better start from this morning again.")

Hot damn. I don't usually favorite oneshots, and I especially don't favorite oneshot clopfics but...hot damn. One of the best Twiluna clops I've read. It was actually stimulating.

I noticed a few grammatical errors but other than that, you're golden

2357147>>2358508>>2360833

Thanks guys. I need to explain about the save points. This fic started out as a fanfic of a fanfic - I decided to explore the Hard Reset 'weathervane' action between Twilight and Luna. It was fun taking Eakin's setup and trying to write a story that met the points given (no sheets on the bed, pillow on the ceiling, weathervane etc.) so the background came from there. That's why Luna's room was dark and why there was a hint of a Groundhog Day theme.

I then realised that messing with someone else's universe without permission is just rude and getting permission could be problematic, so I rewrote the thing to stand on its own. One thing I found amusing about Hard Reset was that Twilight managed to seduce Luna in a single loop, so I wrote some jokes around that. I liked the jokes, so I kept some of them in the rewrite and so introduced the save points to keep the jokes going. So yeah - save points were massively under-utilised. Could have been fun to explore them more thoroughly, but it would have ended up being a much longer piece and I didn't want to try and bite off more than I could chew on a first try.

2357333>>2361787

Thank you

2361941
Thanks. I hate grammatical errors - I just can't see them, no matter how hard I look.

2358070

I was thinking of a sequel, and Elric has given me even more good ideas, but Round 2 wouldn't be as satisfying for me - I liked Luna and Twilight both trying to get the upper hand but that would be lost in a dream setting - Luna controls dreams. Maybe someday.

I'm more enamoured with a different idea at the moment - Twilight plays a game with Luna where she casts an amnesia spell on herself so that she forgets everything that happened after the thousandth sun celebration. She finds herself in the castle of the royal sisters being playfully stalked by Nightmare Moon who mysteriously knows all her secrets and desires. It wouldn't be dark, but it would be a lot more kinky than what is here. Also, humanised. Definitely not everybody's cup of tea.

>Twilight thought he could see a distant spot of light
He?

>Twilight was loving every one the squeaks
I think you missed a word

>I did’t mean...
y u not put n ;__;

2362105
Oh, Hard Reset. I was wondering where you got the idea for checkpoints. Good thing she couldn't get stuck in these time loops, eh? As for changing anything, just a few grammar errors, but I won't try to tell them on my phone, maybe on the laptop tomorrow instead.

2376609

Gah - thanks for that. Corrected. I need to come up with a better way to audit my own work (or find an editor).

The 'he' thing was because I wrote this on an iPad and the keyboard loves ignoring a few letters here and there. Thought I'd caught them all, but obviously not.

2376687

Thanks Abronie - it would be appreciated

2377843

Wow this was hilarious! You deserve an upvote, a fave and a follow.

When Twilight asked the most silly ever question that was sure to get a rejection… I laughed so hard. It was something that only a pony who really wanted her back would give nice reply to. Then I realisd the answer and it took a while to calm down as by then I was in complete hysterics! It was classic!
Best pickup line ever, out of any clopfic I've read, hooves down, easy. Also... nice touch on the gaming refrence... saving and reloading made me immedaly think of the likes of Skyrim

Its a lot faster in pace than the stories (clopfics) I write but is an outstanding TwiLuna story so far. The kinky stuff itself was mild and certainly made more interesting by the dark that Twilight found herself in. Admittedly I was so absorbed in the story I didn't notice any errors etc.
I wonder... is it too much to hope for a tiny mention of Flutterdash in this story...
Seeing as how Twilight and Luna focused it is in chapter one, It would seem like a no... (but hey, I can hope. )

Time to continue reading.... I don't care if some think this is a bit rough around the edges, its a fun story. Excellent first time fan fic!

2377843 fimfiction: the only place were being a grammar Nazi is appreciated and helpful

With long and painstaking labour, she developed a spell that would allow her to 'save' and 'reload' her life, keeping all her memories between saves. With this spell, she could relive each day until it was perfectly spent getting closer and closer to Luna’s heart (and bedroom).

Frankly, just with that single story element you made Twilight into a Mary-Sue. Savestates for life? It's like Groundhog day without the drawbacks -- it makes its owner effectively near-omniscient, beyond any canon character in the series (including the princesses and Discord), and also capable of exploiting the tiniest probabilities. As I continue to read, I hope to find that you include a force of conflict that is at least as powerful.. Otherwise it really says "this conflict makes no sense because I could just annihilate it with my weapons of mass research"

I do like the way you implied it turned out to be basically irrelevant to Twilight's goal, though :)

That was the best pick-up line ever!

3405771

Thanks, neon scar . Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

trust twilight to invent a "save" feature spell.

"Feel your way..."

You're the one that I want...!

5145338
Okay, I didn't think anyone would get that reference. Kudos.

5146338 *squee*
And so, Saturday's movie selection has been made!

and would let her though

*through

and ’asking nicely to see if she could speak with Luna’ (74.5%).

i would have given a 98%

That pick line did not work as intended. SHE FAILS!